DD trying to fit in-kind of long

Sammysu

I have posted previously about how we recently put DD into a new private school and she loves it, there are only 13 seventh graders!

Well... Turns out the majority of the girls in her class come from farely wealthy families, according to DD. I am a SAHM and DH works a whole lot. Money right now is very tight, though we are not "struggling" per say since all our bills are current and we have savings but... We do have a tight budget now that I am staying home with the kids and that was the sacrifice that we decided on when we made the decision for me to stay home and take care of the girls and our household. We do most of the same things as far as vacations and outings that we did when money wasnt as tight so that the girls would not feel the strain. But, the last week DD is starting to resent DH and I for not being able to give her what she wants to be able to fit in with the other girls, I guess. According to her all the other girls have cell phones and cable and go to Justin Beiber concerts and go online all the time. Her attitude sucks and she is being disrespectful towards DH and I and also to her sisters.

DD had computer privelages before until we caught her at 1am on my laptop on her myspace page (which we never allowed her to have) talking nasty with a boy. So all computer privelages got taken away. I cant afford for her to have a cell phone right now nor does she need one, since I drop off and pick her up everyday from school and she isnt in any sports right now. And we cut our cable since we have Netflix and a computer hook up to our tv so we can watch shows through there.

I told her that things aren't always what they appear to be with her friends and she also doesnt know what happens behind closed doors. Some friends may have been given these things by their grandparents or have the kind of parents that simply use tools for their kids to not have to deal with them.

How would you best handle this situation?

DandelionMom

My oldest DD is only 9 so I can only guess at what things will be like when she's 13.  But we're in a similar situation in that she goes to school with children who have a LOT more money than we'll ever have. 

We've had conversations about financial responsibility and priorities.  We've made a point to find volunteer opportunities so that the girls don't grow up thinking the priveledged lifestyle they have (and the even more priveledged ones they see around us) are necessarily the norm.  And that there are much more important values in the world besides money.  And I don't know if your DD is too old for American Girl things but the Kit Kiderich movie and book are pretty good at illustrating that point.

 

NikkiJ19

SD#1 is in HS now and most of the kids have more money in the family. She has a cell phone but no laptop, ipod touch (just the regular ipod), and doesn't have a closet full of 60.00 tee shirts. Sometimes it bothers her but we remind her she is great no matter what she has or wears. She by no means goes without and all those things are extras. She had on girl really going on and on about her having more money. SD#1 said "What do you mean you have more money? Where is your job? How much do you make an hour? What is your house payment? Oh that's right we all don't have any money our parents do!"

On another note the things DD is doing above are no way to earn a cell phone or computer privilages back!

Sammysu

The cell phone issue alone is based on the fact that DH and I dont see the need for her to have one at this time. She previously had one when I was working  so that DH and I could get ahold of her because she was involved in some after school activities but she is not at the moment and I am the one who drops her off and picks her up and she was constantly leaving it places and not charging it and then trying to connect online as well. So for now that is why we dont agree with the cell phone issue. But, we have openly discussed this with her as all the other issues.

I think you are right about not being able to avoid this issue all together. I need her to understand that she cannot be disrespectful towards DH and I just because of what she thinks is going on with her friends and what she thinks they have or dont have.

She has a ton of clothes and is getting into doing her hair and wearing nice things but she is in private school and they wear uniforms with a very strict uniform policy so she cant "show off" her clothes. I guess she wants to show off a cell phone and brag about what she did online or what cable shows she watched and what concerts she went to. Ugh... the joy of girls. And I get to do this two more times with my other two!

clp1027

It's no better with boys! We're dealing with this too. DS doesn't wear a uniform, but it's always something. I think it's growing pains and overindulgence! I realize that I've created a good part of this monster by giving in to most of his wants, but I really don't remember it being this bad when I was his age.

neverblushed

My own oldest child is 10, so I haven't quite gotten to this stage yet in my own parenting. BUT... I have taught middle school English at a private school for many years, and I'll share with you what I think works well for kids that age based on my teaching experience.

I would suggest avoiding flat-out telling her "NO -- you can't have a cell phone! We can't afford it!"  Instead, I wouldn't answer her right away the moment she approaches and asks for something.  This gives you time, and it tells her you're taking her request seriously and not just telling her "no" out of hand.

Then, actually think about the circumstances under which you would be okay with her having a cell phone (or whatever).  What, if anything, could she do to help you become comfortable with her having a cell phone? or going to a Justin Bieber concert?  or have more freedom with the computer?

Would she have to demonstrate responsibility and earn your trust in certain ways?  Would she have to contribute money?  Would she have to reach a certain age?  Would she have to demonstrate a practical reason for the wanted item?  Then, sit down with her and tell her what you've decided.  Instead of wording your answer, "You CAN'T have a cellphone right now because..."  instead word it "You CAN have a cellphone when you ..."

For instance, my DD would like her own computer.  Her best friend has one in her room. I don't agree with the idea of giving a 10 year old her own, private computer. But I didn't put it to DD in this way.  Instead, I told her that since she's welcome to use the family computer, there's no need for her to have a computer of her own... BUT... when her homework necessitates her having a computer all to herself, we'll explore getting her a laptop or something.

This gives kids a real answer and a goal to work towards.  I think you'll find that your DD has an easier time swallowing the bad news when she feels she can work toward a goal and that she has some control over when she is allowed to have certain privileges.

HTH!

neverblushed

Also -- for your sanity, don't feel guilty about her somehow "needing" these material things to fit in.  A 7th grader may perceive that she "NEEDS" material items to fit in with the other girls.  But adults know that fitting in is not totally dependent on material stuff.

So don't let her talk you into thinking that she can't make friends unless she has certain material things.  If other kids have such materialistic criteria for friendship, they're probably trouble!

Sammysu

Thats a great way of putting it. Thank you all soo much. I needed to hear others views on it. You know how sometimes you dont think about something until it is brought to your attention? I appreciate it!