Can I get some advice about A visiting her father?

belle204

A's father wants her to go to the beach with him and his other kids. I initially said yes b/c she's been asking to see them. I didn't tell her b/c I didn't want to get her hopes up in case it fell through. But one of them mentioned if and now she is all stoked and asking me every damn day if it's time. /// The shortest version I can give is : he wants me to fly her there Friday (he'll pay her discounted airfare through my pass travel) and they will leave for the beach Monday. He can't or won't give me a concrete date for her to come back. I kind of need to know for work and my sanity. He won't tell me if anyone else is going or who will be around. Mind you, she hasn't been since Christmas '08 and has only seen him a grand total of four times in almost five years. She says she'll be fine w/o me and I can't lie and say I wouldn't enjoy time to myself. However, I'm worried sick over her being so far away for at minimum of a week and it makes me ill he can't even answer questions for peace of mind and just chooses to smart off or argue with me. I also am tired of having to take her there or meet him when he wants to see her. He already half-ass pays child support which I don't ride him about. He thinks I'm a b*tch. I think I'm more than compromising or whatever with him. I'm planning to meet with a lawyer to work on a custody & visitation agreement but I don't even know if it's worthwhile anymore. I just want to do what's best for A ... but I don't know what that is anymore. Does that make sense? Wwyd?

DandelionMom

I would never send my DD without a copy of the return ticket.  He's bsc if he thinks you're a *** for wanting to know when your daughter will be coming home!

ETA: I forgot to mention that I'm really sorry you're still going through crap with this guy.  (((hugs)))

soontobemomma

DandelionMom:

I would never send my DD without a copy of the return ticket.  He's bsc if he thinks you're a *** for wanting to know when your daughter will be coming home!

Ditto this x 100000000

 Sounds like  a lot of tough decisions, but I wouldn't send her on this trip.  He won't tell you who will be around or when she'll be back?  So many things could go wrong.  

GL 

belle204

He calls be a b**** about pretty much everything. I have some choice names for him in return. Thanks. I just don't know how to explain to a child who is constantly asking to se him why she can't go. It makes me sad each time she asks.

Rebekah1021

There is no way I would let her go w/o a return date.

I would even go fly out there to bring her back home. I am not comfortable with this and I am like a 1000 miles from you

femmegem

soontobemomma:

DandelionMom:

I would never send my DD without a copy of the return ticket.  He's bsc if he thinks you're a *** for wanting to know when your daughter will be coming home!

Ditto this x 100000000

 Sounds like  a lot of tough decisions, but I wouldn't send her on this trip.  He won't tell you who will be around or when she'll be back?  So many things could go wrong.  

GL 

Ugh. I'm sorry he's being this way. But I agree with the PPs.

knmommy

I wouldn't let her go, not if she has only ever seen him 4 or 5 times.  She doesn't "know" him and he really doesn't "know her.  I think you just have to tell her it is too far away.  Maybe set a fun date for just the two of you. 

Sorry you're dealing with this, I know how it goes!

belle204

Rebekah, I would definitely be flying back out to pick her up. He said maybe Thur or Fri but "it will be over when he says it's over" ... and not to worry about who is around b/c she will be with him and that's all that matters and that I don't tell him who she I around her so it's not a valid question. (Insert my confused face since I can use emoticons). He's never asked. Moot point.

REOM

belle204:

Rebekah, I would definitely be flying back out to pick her up. He said maybe Thur or Fri but "it will be over when he says it's over" ... and not to worry about who is around b/c she will be with him and that's all that matters and that I don't tell him who she I around her so it's not a valid question. (Insert my confused face since I can use emoticons). He's never asked. Moot point.

Oh no. Sorry buddy, BELLE says when it's over and when it's not...not you!

No way can she go!

Ciarrai

DandelionMom:

I would never send my DD without a copy of the return ticket.  He's bsc if he thinks you're a *** for wanting to know when your daughter will be coming home!

ETA: I forgot to mention that I'm really sorry you're still going through crap with this guy.  (((hugs)))

This. Exactly.  No one is taking my kids anywhere without full disclosure no matter if he's their father or anything else.  

JOEBunny

My initial response is no way.  I am pretty laid back about who my child goes with, but if he could not tell me in writing where he will be, who else was going to be there, and when they would be back, so I could show the police when if he didn't show up (I would also make sure to get a current picture of him before he left), no way would he be taking my baby girl.  She may think she will be fine, but she is 5 and he is a hero in her eyes because all she knows is what fathers are like who are around and want to play with their kids. 

I don't like him.  I do think it is important for her to know him in some way, even if she comes back grossly disappointed, but I have a really hard time with any man who thinks that it is ok to take a little girl he hasn't seen in a year and a half and not tell her mama when he will bring her back. 

lucyfox

I would never ever let her go.  She doesn't know him, he won't give you a return date and it's too far away for you to run get her if she gets scared or whatever.  If he wants to see her he can come visit HER at her home. 

You don't owe him anything and I think sending her would not benefit her anyhow.

championmama

If he's waffling around on important details like when/where/ and how long... I wouldn't send her.  Especially if you don't have a custody agreement in place that says you have to.  Even if it hurts her now, she's better off in the long-run.  I know you don't want to think anything could happen, but you're better safe than sorry.

belle204

Joe, I should clarify that we saw him in June. She just hasn't been to visit him w/o me since '08. I don't like him much most days either. Thanks for your replies ladies. Just a warning that I may dd later.

jettagurl

No way in hell would I send her if he's refusing to tell you who all is going and when she'll be back.  NO WAY. 

And he's only seen her 4 times in 5 years?????  I don't know if I'd even let her go overnight.  

xbrooklyngrl

ditto Jetta - funk that! He may as well be a distant cousin, not a father and there's no way in HELL I am sending my kid with someone that's pretty much a stranger.

Rebekah1021

REOM:

belle204:

Rebekah, I would definitely be flying back out to pick her up. He said maybe Thur or Fri but "it will be over when he says it's over" ... and not to worry about who is around b/c she will be with him and that's all that matters and that I don't tell him who she I around her so it's not a valid question. (Insert my confused face since I can use emoticons). He's never asked. Moot point.

Oh no. Sorry buddy, BELLE says when it's over and when it's not...not you!

No way can she go!

OMG - this. For crying out loud! I want to throat punch him! He must seriously have no common sense. I would say nope, if he wants to see her, he can come and see her.

soyaddict

I would not let her go. I would not feel okay with the situation at all. Yes, he has a right to visit her. Yes, she has a right to get to know her father for better or worse. But this does not need to happy in a manner that is unsettling and possibly unsafe. Unless he has a court order stating he can take her that far away from you and tell you nothing about what they are doing I'd say no. He can see her on your turf.

 

And I say this as someone who deals with a crappy ex you is lousy father to his children as well so I sorta understand what your going through and some of the legalities involved.