ID Twin Moms come in!

MommyNoelle

I'm going to chalk this up to hormones, and the anniv. of my first miscarriage today....but I just need to vent and me melodramatic for a bit

I am SO blessed to finally have children (well, soon) and wouldn't trade this miracle for ANYTHING.

But lately I've been feeling depressed about the fact that they will be identical. Crazy talk, right?!?!

I grew up (technically my neighbors) with identical twin girls. And I was constantly exposed to the "Who are you??" and "YOU GUYS LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE" comments they endured. And they always told me how it got old, and they wished they looked different. Their own grandma couldn't tell them apart (and she lived with them!).

 

I understand this is an extreme case, but it left a sad taste in my mouth. And now I just feel sad when I think about what my girls will have to go through.

 

Again, I KNOW I am blessed, and will love them no matter how similar they look. But it's just gotten me down lately.

 

Any ID moms feel like this at some point? 

pea-kay

I do understand. I worry about my boys having identity issues and feeling bad because no one knows who they are, but you know, they won't know any differently. There may be some down sides, but there will also be some AMAZING benefits that will far outweigh the negatives. When I watch my boys play now, they are so funny and love each other so much and it's just heart-melting.

But yeah, I do get what you're saying. I used to worry about it a lot, but I don't anymore. I probably will again as they get older. But what can you do? Just ensure they have the support to each follow their own path.

I was talking to a woman today who is an identical twin and asked her how it was growing up. She said, "I don't know, how was it growing up as a single kid?" (Okay, and she and her sister are very close and she had nothing bad to say about growing up as an ID twin.)

MamaCrystal

I was much more anxious about it when I was pregnant.  Now that they're here and I see their different personalities and little differences in their looks, I have calmed down much more ; ) 

It is a tough thing to wrap your brain around... when I was pregnant I kept wondering if I'd always think it was weird that we pretty much have the same baby twice.  I had trouble picturing TWO babies, and kept picturing 2 copies of the exact same baby.  (Typing it now sounds so silly now that I have my perfect Mary and Grace who are definitely their own little personalities!!)

Anyway, I actually don't even think of them as identicals most of the time anymore.   The only time that I get annoyed and have a "wake up call" of sorts is when our family says "that one" because they don't know who they're looking at.  (My mom is great with them now though and always knows who she's looking at!)  The people close to your twins will appreciate them for their individual personalities.  The people who don't ever get close enough to them to figure it out... well who cares what they think ; )

sfshawna

It's definitely a unique experience to be an ID twin, but like pea-kay said, the benefits far outweigh the negatives. Yes, it does get old when people can't tell you apart, and to always be grouped with your twin. But, on the upside, they will always have each other!! I know that sounds cliche, but it's so true. I'm an identical twin and still am super close with my sister. Needless to say, when I found out I was having twins, I was secretly hoping they'd be ID as well, and they are . I feel like I truly know what they'll experience growing up, and hope they will never have identity issues. Definitely foster their individual interests and they will be just fine. As a side note, I read a great book a while ago called "One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin.". It really addresses the identity issue and gives insight into what it's like to be part of a "set.". Worth reading! Hope that helps

redshoegirl

pea-kay:

I do understand. I worry about my boys having identity issues and feeling bad because no one knows who they are, but you know, they won't know any differently. There may be some down sides, but there will also be some AMAZING benefits that will far outweigh the negatives. When I watch my boys play now, they are so funny and love each other so much and it's just heart-melting.

But yeah, I do get what you're saying. I used to worry about it a lot, but I don't anymore. I probably will again as they get older. But what can you do? Just ensure they have the support to each follow their own path.

Once again pea-kay says exactly what I wanted to say, only better than I could have said it. 

I worried about this when they were first born, but it's faded away as their personalities have become so distinct; they may be "identical" but they're still individuals, and I'll always treat them as such. I'll probably start to worry a little again as they get older - I know I'll be concerned about them being treated as a unit by others, a problem that I know is inevitable because even now people act amazed when I describe their different personalities since "aren't they the same since they're identical twins?" *sigh*

At any rate, I hope they won't struggle too much with identity problems, and I'm going to do everything in my power to help them.

Stina4242

I think it depends on how you raise them.  My SIL's are identical and they only occasionally get annoyed and otherwise just laugh it off.

Raise them to have a good attitude about it and to be individuals and they will be fine.

Temp159135562506975

Fraternal mom butting in

sometimes I wish mine WERE identical... esp now that they are getting older and are almost 10lbs apart in weight and look SO different - people don't seem to believe that they are twins at all!

In some ways I'm really glad I have fraternal and not ID - but sometimes like i said- i do wish they were ID.... I suppose you just need to be happy about the good things you get with whatever you have

I think with ID girls it will be a lot easier to make them look different - with different hair styles, etc.... I would think with ID boys it's harder to help people tell them apart- since there are few choices in hair for boys. 

 

BitterOldHag

I don't even think of mine as twins. Just as brothers. We didn't know they were identical until they were 6 months and I've always been able to tell them apart so other than the genetic stuff it's been no biggee.

And frankly, unless you have b/g twins I think you will always come acoss people who say "which is which?" every time they see them because they can't be bothered to differentiate between them.

BelleBaby

BitterOldHag:

I don't even think of mine as twins. Just as brothers. We didn't know they were identical until they were 6 months and I've always been able to tell them apart so other than the genetic stuff it's been no biggee.

And frankly, unless you have b/g twins I think you will always come acoss people who say "which is which?" every time they see them because they can't be bothered to differentiate between them.

I had someone come up to me over the weekend and ask if the boys were the same age.  I fought the urge to say, nope, I had this one then figured I'd wait about a month to pop out the second.  Here's your sign.

I guess that means my are WAY fraternal if someone can't even tell they're brothers, let alone twins (or the same age!).

PianoPlayingSarah

I know what you are saying but I always think of it this way - the same thing could happen with same sex twins as well.  I have dear friends who are fraternal twins - they look very much alike but are definitely not identical.  We attended jr. high and high school together and people were always getting them confused and calling them by the wrong name. 

At least you are having girls - you can give them completely different haircuts!   

 

macchiatto

I worried about that before finding out our boys were fraternal. I think it might be easier in a way with girls because you can do things like totally different haircuts to make them easier to tell apart. From ID twins I've talked to, there are some challenges to it and it can be frustrating when people don't take the time to learn who is who, but you being aware of it and helping make it as easy as possible for others to tell them apart will really help! Maybe when they're a few years older, even get them necklaces with their first initial on them or something. It can help if you avoid matching outfits (on a regular basis) and matchy names.

pea-kay

Oh yeah, and I'm embarrassed to admit, I have trouble keeping the names straight of my friends' fraternal twins. So yeah. Oops.

macchiatto

pea-kay:

Oh yeah, and I'm embarrassed to admit, I have trouble keeping the names straight of my friends' fraternal twins. So yeah. Oops.

LOL
Good point! I think that can happen with siblings of any ages (I've been called my sisters' names many times in life), but especially of fraternal multiples. Our family and most of our friends remember which name goes with which face, but we actually have one close friend who can NEVER keep it straight, and many acquaintances who can't--even though our boys look different enough that we get "They can't be twins!" comments.

jackieb3858

As an identical twin myself who has identicals, that is something I would never worry about. I had a wonderful experience growing up as an identical twin and never had identity issues. Anyone who is close to them will be able to tell them apart and see their differences. I never see myself as the same as my sister. There are so many advantages that outweigh the negatives.  We are super close to this day and I always had a friend around growing. It was like a built in support system during those awkward years. They will have a bond that few others have or will understand. They are lucky not disadvantaged.

VaFirecracker

From another fraternal point of view. My husband is a fraternal twin and looks NOTHING like his brother, but people still always had them confused. He said people called them "TommyDan" all the time when they were little. Just lumped it all together. They are still close as can be and I think him having that twin experience is why he is SO SO excited for us to be having twins.

MommyNoelle

Thank you ladies SOOOO SO much for the encouraging bits of wisdom and insight. I feel so much better now, & realize how silly it is for me to worry about this.

 

I'm going to have to read that book...it sounds good! 

Temp159135562506975

Gibby and gray are 100% different.... people WOULD get their names mixed up -but we have a fail proof way for people to remember....

GIB is BIG spelled backwards... and Gibby is VERY BIG.

If you are worried about it- don't dress them the same, do different hair, etc.

I find myself dressing the boys alike more now than when they were babies... b/c people don't notice they are twins anymore since Gibby is so much bigger.... dressing them alike people actually believe me when i say they are twins