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Infertility
Religion and faith
I know this is kind of a serious topic, but it's really on my mind and I'm wondering if anyone here has any insights or words of wisdom.
Sometimes it feels like my H and i are being punished for something. It's been almost 2.5 years of so much heartache. Every time things look up, something else happens in life, either with IF or just life in general, that seems to knock us down.
Neither of us are really practicing our faith since we've been adults, but we both pray when we feel we need help or strength. When we started treatments, we started praying. We're coming up on 1 year since our first treatment cycle and I'm exhausted and having a hard time keeping my faith. I know this is touchy to say, and I am being brutally honest, but I am doubting all I have believed in all my life. Are we being punished for something? Does anyone hear our prayers? Why are bad people blessed with children while couples like all of us are left in despair and pain?
Sorry this is so serious and long. Does anyone else find themselves challenged with these feelings? I'm really trying to push through it and keep my faith and hope. It's just so hard when time and time again life smacks you down.
dx'd with severe endo and poor egg quality
3 IUIs were all BFN
IVF #1 = c/p
IVF #2 = BFN
IVF #3 = beautiful baby girl born 2/2011;
8/2011 Surprise BFP - natural m/c at 8w;
TTC #2 2011-2012; 2 IUIs = BFN; IVF #1 = BFP 9dp5dt beta = 328; 11dp5dt = 650; 13dp5dt = 1114; 18dp5dt = 4747
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Religion and faith
I wonder all of the time what I ever did that was so, so awful. I know I'm not perfect and I know I've made mistakes, but...I'm not sure what I did that made me deserve this.
And, if I'm being honest, I've questioned my faith for quite some time now..even before IF. While I know IF make many people stronger in their faith, for me, it has just put another crack in mine.
TI, IUIs, IVF = c/ps and BFNs
Religion and IF are difficult. I struggle to determine how to keep my faith and what I believe, and to move on with IVF. DH and I, as much as we are similar, do not agree on Pro-life/Pro-Choice, and he is struggling more than me.
I know that the biggest issue is DH's MFI from his surgery. It kills me to see someone who is so faithful be hit with something like this. I don't know how to support him-I know he doesn't deserve this!
Does anyone else find themselves challenged with these feelings?
Absolutely, and we haven't even started IVF yet. I think it's completely natural to let frustration/anger/sadness/etc cloud your beliefs, but as long as you can bounce back on a new day with even a tiny bit of hope.......then you're doing ok.
IVF 1 April 2011 - Cancelled
IVF 1.5 July 2011 - MC
IVF 2 October 2011 - BFP!
*Identical Twin Boys born June 2012*
Here we go again...IVF 3 is underway!
I'm sorry you feel like this. I understand where you are coming from though I try to look at it in a different way (for sanity's sake). I don't feel that God can control everything that happens to us. Fortunately and unfortunately we were given free will. We get to choose who we love and what we do in life. This also comes with responsibility. There are things that I have done in my life that compound my IF issues and though that stinks its true for me. I feel that God only wants the best for us but he can't intervene all the time because of free will (I don't know if I'm explaining myself well)
Also, when DH got cancer for the second time (first time with me) I was devastated. I reacted in a "woe is me" fashion and was simply miserable. We were only 20 at the time and our relationship was immature. That situation is what brought us together and I don't believe we'd be together had it not been for that situation. Am I glad that he had to go through that? No. Certainly not. But did it make me realize that I wanted to marry him no matter what we faced together.
I, like you, see so many crappy parents. Parents who use drugs and take their children for grant. That will NEVER be us. EVER. I try to hold onto that.
((HUGS)) to you. It's just so hard.
I have this same exact thought
Thanks ladies. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one... sometimes I feel so bad about feeling so doubtful, it makes me feel worse than just the IF alone.
But then again, sometimes I want to scream. Loud.
5 REs + 3 surgical hysteroscopies for septum/lap + 3 failed IUIs
IVF w/ICSI/AH & acu = BFP!, unexplained spontaneous m/c @ 8w2d (our little girl),
FET w/acu = BFP!, B/G twins!, lost MP @19w, dx w/funneling cervix @20w,
twins nearly lost to IC @21w, saved by rescue cerclage, 17P & 16w of bedrest
Our twins born @36w4d via CS when A came foot first
Thankful for every day
I have conversations in my head with Jesus (I'm not crazy, I swear) and I ask him all the time why this is happening (or should I say not happening) to us. I too think about what I must have done to deserve this. Then usually I hear of someone or think of someone in a worse situation than us, feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself, and try to concentrate on how fortunate we are outside of IF. Its tough though. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but the previous posters are right, you aren't alone. I question things like this several times a day.
My thoughts:
No matter what struggles we are faced with in life, it is natural to have religious doubts. I think society makes us think that beacause we have faith we should "be rewarded" and nothing bad should happen to us.
I can't speak for many religions, but I don't think there is anything in the Bible that says because you have faith in God and accept Salvation through his Son Jesus you will not hurt, have medical issues, have bad things happen to you.
We are promised eternal life, not an easy mortal life.
I hope you are able to make it through this journey with a closer relationship to your husband, a stronger Faith in God, and that you will be able to raise the child that your heart desires.
I wonder about this from time to time. When I start feeling down, I rede or reflect on Job. If is horrible, but I can't imagine what he went through. At least for me, I have my DH to lean on. Even though our IF is due to me (no MFI), he doesn't blame me, think that I did something wrong or that I deserve IF. He stands by me and supports me every step of the way. We are definitely in this together.
Job lost everything. His children were killed his crops were bad and his health was failing him. Even his wife told him he should curse God and die. Yet, he persevered. Eventually, his health recovered, his crops recovered and he had more children. But, that does not erase the loss.
I guess what I am trying to say is similar to one of the PPs. I don't think we cause IF. I don't think God gives it to us. I think that our life has free choice and evil is in the world. Consequently we get tested and our faith gets tested. I look at IF as a test. You don't pass by getting PG. You pass by surviving with your faith in tact (by this I mean by still having your faith; doubting doesn't mean you've lost your faith).
~SAIF/PAIF/Everyone Welcome~
Me= 37 and DH = 41
Dx: DOR, Endo, APA+ (really high beta 2 glycoprotein antibody and high everything else tested), heterozygous MTHFR mutation, positive for lupus anticoagulant, high FSH, low AMH and both tubes blocked (per HSG on 3/8/11)
IVF #1 - long lupron (with HGH, intralipids, lovenox and BA); 4 retrieved, 3 fertilized; ET 2 blasts and 1 frozen = BFN
IVF #2 - a version of antagonist with EPP (with HGH, intralipids, lovenox and BA); 6 retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized, 2 blasts and 1 frozen blast transferred on day 5 = BFN.
IVF #3 April was postponed to May, May was canceled. June/July was canceled. Had a cyst aspiration and then began IVF #3 in August. ER on 8/22; ET on 8/24 with AH. +HPT on 9/5. Beta #1 (11dpo) = 3; Beta #2 (15dpo) = 29; Beta #3 (17dpo) = 60; Beta #4 (19 dpo) = 118. Heartbeat at 6 weeks 6 days =132. Lil is here!
TTC#2: Trigger + TI = BFN; Clomid + Trigger + IUI = BFN.
IVF #4: BCP + MDLF + Lovenox = 7R, 1F = Transferred 1 6-cell embryo on day 3 = BFN
IVF #5: MDLF + Lovenox = 4R, 1F = Transferred 1 10-cell compacting embryo on day 3 = BFN
IVF #6: (New RE): Long Antagonist November 2014 (transferred two 8 cell grade 1 embryos and froze one blast) = BFN
FET#1: BFN
I think about it all of the time. I feel like every time I turn around something else is going wrong. I get chronic kidney stones, and had 3 surgeries in a year. The pain from them is horrendous so I live in fear of them.
I am having a hard time finding a job and when I finally was offered one, the offer was taken away because of how much I'd be paid (even though I tried to negotiate to go lower).
IF is kicking my ass and my brother is now having his 2nd "oops" and in a CRAPPY situation. My cousin is in even worse of a situation and just had her 2nd oops. I feel like everyone else around me is pregnant.
I just don't understand why EVERYTHING is so hard for me. I am overweight and I run at least 4 times a week and don't feel like it changes anything. I take immaculate care of my teeth and I have horrible issues with them because of genetics. I just feel like nothing I do is right and I wonder what the heck I did to deserve this.
It has seriously affected my faith. I am trying to be faithful, but honestly it is hard. When can I catch a break??? I am tired of being told "you go through this because you are strong enough to". I am tired of being strong. I just want SOMETHING to be easy for me!
I find that IF really tests your faith. My H and I were the same and you and did really practice our faith but prayed a lot. we recently just started going back to church and i am finding it is helping me keep strong and not stray from my faith. I think it is natural that during such a stressful time we begin to question faith in general.
Stay strong and remember ... God does not give us a mountain we can not climb...
GL!!!!
This exactly! I question my faith and find it difficult to attend church anymore. I still go, just not as religiously as I used too. Everything is so focused around family and unquestionably following church teachings. It just doesn't feel like a place I belong anymore.
Dx MFI, AMA, Endo, AMH .16
Lap 10/09 Removed endometrioma, stage IV endo and adhesions
Lap 2/10 Endometrioma cysts & adhesions returned.
Ivf #1 4/10 Antagonist, ET Cancelled.
IVF #2 2/11 A/ACP+E2V C/P
IVF #3 6/11 Letrozole/Antagonist BFN
IVF #4 11/11 Low stim Antagonist BFN
Lap 3/12 Lap & Selective HSG
Many cycles of Letrozole and LP HCG w/TI and LDN
IVF #5 8/12 Low stim BFN
IUI #1 10/12 BFN br> S&PAIFW
Currently pg with our 1st after 6.5 yrs of IF (thank you IVF)
My IF/Everything Blog
There's No Crying in Baseball
***My posts are always SAIFW**
I have questioned my faith many times in my life. What I have learned through these struggles...I only pray for hte strength to accept God's Will..whatever that is. I really have stopped praying for a BFP or a job for my husband or anyTHING...I pray to accept his will!
Don't get me wrong I still question and get frustrated!
What an amazing bunch of insightful women you all are. Thank you for the responses and support.
I do feel something like what you're feeling. Part of my issue is I wasn't married until later on - not my choice, just the hand life dealt me. I've always strongly felt a child should have two parents, so I didn't want to TTC until I was in a solid, stable marriage. Now my age is a huge issue and I feel like doing the responsible thing has come back to bite me. But then, people deal with negative consequences of doing the right thing all the time.
Because of all the atrocities commited against children by their parents every day, I refuse to believe there is a higher power chooses who should have children and who doesn't. I guess our being atheists makes that refusal simpler; I know I don't feel guilty about my anger.
DX: Premature ovarian failure
::::SAIFW::::: People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. - Rebecca West
WE'VE BEEN MATCHED WITH A SWEET LITTLE BOY!! -4/5/11
My thoughts:
My faith is really important to me (and to my H), but sometimes IF has made me question or doubt God's goodness. I have friends who get pregnant without planning or preparing in any way, and we've planned and saved and can't even really try for a baby right now. It's frustrating, to say the least.
But...I don't think God works by giving good things to the people who deserve them most. IF isn't the only situation where I can see that. I think God gives me what is best for me, in order to turn me into the person he wants me to be. I wouldn't always choose those circumstances, but I believe he knows what's best for me, even if I don't understand.
That's how I try to be patient and keep my faith through IF.