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Parenting after 35
It's decision time (long)
DH and I decided we we would discuss whether to try for another child when Caroline turned 6 months, well that is only about 3 weeks away. I'm trying to go through the pros and cons.
Pros:
1. I want another baby. I love DD and being a mother more than I thought was possible (and I always thought I would love it). I want to do it all again, pregnancy, the newborn phase, all of it.
2. I would like for DD to have a sibling close in age. She has a 10 y/o brother (DH's son) but he is much older and only here half the time. I want her to have that day to day relationship with all that it entails.
3. The only way to prevent me from becoming a helicopter mom is to split my attention. Both kids would be better off this way.
Cons:
1. Finances- DH and I are doing well financially but adding another baby in daycare would be very hard. It would be about 2/3 of my take-home salary. Not too mention teachers salaries around here are frozen for the forseeable future so DH won't be getting a raise anytime soon.
2. Age: Less about mine, though that can't be ignored, more about DH's. He's 43 and would like to be able to retire at some point. I'm not sure that he wouldn't still be able to, if the economy improves and our retirement accounts go back up. But he always feels like he is the oldest dad anywhere we go.
3. DH: While DH will do anything to make me happy, I know that he hopes my decision will be to stop at one. In addition to the age thing, this would be kid number 3 for him and he's not in love with the idea of going through it all for the third time. Like I said he'll do it for me but I want it to be something we both want.
How did you make your decision about more kids? If you wanted more in your heart but chose not to have more for practical reasons, how did you come to terms with it? Did you grieve?
TIA
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Re: It's decision time (long)
I just love you, Laura. One of my "Pros" was the helicopter mom, too
We made the decision to not have another. I am 41 and would be 42 when I delivered. DH is about to turn 42. In addition to Jace, we have his two daughters (7 and 9) who spend 3 nights a week with us and 4 nights with their mom. 3 kids is a lot. 3 kids = expensive. Although I feel like you do about the love I have for LO, etc, it just seemed like there were more "cons" on the list re: expanding our family.
I am sure you and DH will make the right decision for your family
Mine too. lol. Glad I'm in good company.
While I'd hesitate to say there are more cons than pros, the fact that you think you're DH would be reluctant to have another is a biggie! Maybe talk to him to get a better feel for what he's thinking.
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haha - I never thought of the helicopter mom thing, but it is so true. I was probably too busy obsessing over Olivia to think of it. lol.
While I know that you have to take "practical" things into account when thinking of these things, I hesitate to nix another baby for financial reasons. I am one of those people that believes that everything will work itself out, (so far I haven't had to resort to living in a cardboard box), and I would hate hate hate to look back on my life one day and regret not having more children for practical reasons. Like I said, I know it is tough and probably not responsible to not take money and retirement and security into account, but I just tend to listen more to my heart in these situations. There is no easy answer.
haha - I never thought of the helicopter mom thing, but it is so true. I was probably too busy obsessing over Olivia to think of it. lol.
While I know that you have to take "practical" things into account when thinking of these things, I hesitate to nix another baby for financial reasons. I am one of those people that believes that everything will work itself out, (so far I haven't had to resort to living in a cardboard box), and I would hate hate hate to look back on my life one day and regret not having more children for practical reasons. Like I said, I know it is tough and probably not responsible to not take money and retirement and security into account, but I just tend to listen more to my heart in these situations. There is no easy answer.
We made to the decision to have another and Finn was born when I turned 40. Although our finances aren't great, we knew we could afford to feed, clothe, and love another so that was what was important to us. DH came from a family with three other brothers. It was important to him for Noah to have a sibling close in age to grow up with. He loves his relationships with his brothers and was thrilled when he found out we were having a second boy.
Age wasn't a factor at all, our lives pretty much revolve around our kids so we aren't really thinking about retirement. My age was a factor when we started but the boys are 23 months apart and we are done now. If we were in better shape financially, I would consider a third. I hated pregancy but seeing my boys start to interact with eachother is the most incredible thing. Noah told me that Finny was his best friend the other day, I loved that. They get so much delight out of eachother, it's amazing. I don't feel like I split my time between them really or feel that one or the other gets left out. It's amazing to have more than one and the love you have for each of them as individuals is insane. I couldn't imagine only having one.
I would have grieved to not have another. I am sad now that we have stopped but I would never have made the decision to not have a second. We jumped in and went for it, most definitely with our hearts. We wanted children and we were going to figure out how to swing it. I have read that you don't regret the kids you had, only the ones you didn't.
Part of me really wants to have another and another and another because like you, I love being a mom... but - for me personally - I have NO desire to be pg again... I'm not 100% saying we're done, but I'm pretty sure we are (and both DH and I are on the same page).
When I first started coming to terms with all of this, with possibly only have one child, I was really upset and sad - but mainly at MYSELF because I thought there was something wrong with me!! But... then I realized that I just feel SO.INCREDIBLY.BLESSED every stinkin' day to have S that's it's OK to love her and her only to pieces.
I guess.
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That's kind of the way I'm thinking. Even DH said that he would never regret another child.
Of course, even though we said 6 months, I haven't gotten AF back yet, so until she returns, it doesn't matter what our decision is.
Laura - I would say that really your biggest hurdle (or "con") is DH's feelings about it. I totally get the money thing - trust me I do. I am the breadwinner in our family but I also agree with PP that the finance thing has a way of working out...you may have to sacrifice on family vacations or always having the nicest, newest things but from the sounds of it, that doesn't sound like it would be much of a sacrifice for you given how much you long to have another LO.
And the age thing - I understand...I am 37 and DH is 47 and he has the same reservations. However, I don't think DH would let that stop him from having another one.
But if your DH really doesnt want another child but does so just for you, I would would be worried about DH resenting me (or the child) down the road....especially when the aforementioned necessary sacrifices start materializing. Then again, you also don't want to feel resentment towards DH for denying you a 2nd child.
Its a really tough decision....and Im sorry there's no cut & dry answer. Sounds like you just need to talk it out with DH and be comfortable with whatever decision you arrive at.
If I had gotten knocked up earlier I am sure I would want another child. Now I look back at all of the years we didn't have kids and wonder "what if?" However, as much as I would love another child, I know that ship has sailed. DH has been a trooper about the whole thing. I cannot imagine going through another pregnancy or how tired we would be dealing with two kids.
We have finally figured out how to fit Matty into our lives or more appropriately, how we fit into the chaos Matty has brought. I am not sure how we would handle another and still keep our marriage healthy.
So as much as I would love another child, I know for us, we are better off now not to have one. Any sadness I feel in not having another I just turn into love and appreciate for the beautiful son I have now.
My biggest concern for you would be your DH's reluctance in having another child. While I thought that no one ever regretted having children I actually know someone who says additional children was a mistake for her and her husband. So maybe it is one of those things that people do not admit.
Wow that is a difficult one. I think you two should have a very open and honest discussion about whether a baby is wanted by both. You do not want to be in a situation where resentment builds up because the decision was made by one despite the needs/wants of the other. Good luck. I know I was not any help; sorry.
Orchid was planned by Hawtie, not by me (long dramatic stupid story). I was super duper angry at first, but I fell in-love with her as I was carrying her in my womb and of course now she is my baby princess.
Yeah, we will be having an open discussion about it. I'm just trying to process my own thoughts about it, wondering how others made the decision. Maybe try to come to terms with not having another if that is our decision.
DH would never regret a child, he just is apprehensive about going through the work of a baby, again. On the other hand, this morning as soon as C woke up she practically crawled over me (yes, she was in our bed) to get to him, in that moment, you've never seen anyone happier to be a father.
aaaawwwwwwwwwe. i know exactly how he must have looked at that moment, because I see it on Hawtie's face every time Orchid runs to him!! It warms your soul. As she gets older she will go to him more and more often and he will eat it up! :-D
It is never an easy decision and age (unfortunately) plays a big role in our decision. When G was born, I didn't want anymore. Now that she is 6 months, I have gone back and forth with wanting another one.
I was talking to someone and they said don't have another one for you but for her. It really made me think. I have a brother and we aren't really close. So, I go back and forth with does another sibling guarantee closeness?....No it does not. But in the same breath she would always have someone she may be close with.
My DH would prefer not to have another one but always says it's up to me. I am able to stay at home and with another one we would still be OK.
Sorry to hijack your post with my own thoughts but there is just no easy answer. Good luck Laura with your decision!!
Our two daughters are almost 21 months apart. Our oldest arrived when I was 39 and the second at age 41.
Like the others said, I would think the biggest hurdle is your DH's reluctance. Having our second child put a lot more pressure on our relationship and marriage (especially b/c ours were so close together). And DH was fully on board with having another one! We don't have financial pressure but we do have the situation where DH travels frequently and works incredibly long hours, leaving me the parent in charge more times than not. I am a SAHM.
What I noticed after we had a second child is that it does force you to split your attention between your children, but definitely in a good way. I believe everyone in our family, especially our oldest, benefitted from our younger daughter's arrival.
The hugest positive with having another child is the sibling relationship between them. Our girls really do love each other and keep each other company. They play well together most of the time. I LOVE watching them interact - it's just the greatest!
In the beginning, it was super hard for me to move from one to two children. I thought I would collapse from exhaustion and sleep deprivation most days. But now that they are ages 4 and 2, it's totally worth it and I'm soooo glad we have them both.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
This.
Since most of MY decision to stop at one is due to lack of finances (we can't afford day care for ONE child, much less two), I don't think it's wrong to make that decision based on financial reasons. But it shouldn't be one's ONLY reason.
I still think that 6 months postpartum is too soon to make such a life-changing decision?no matter what is chosen. You never know where life will take you. There are surprises in life. And even if you decide now to stop, in a year's time you may change your mind.
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When we first started I we knew we wanted 2. Then we had a big scare with our 1st & thought maybe only 1 - but that thought passed way too quickly. We started trying for #2 when he was 4 months old.. but things took longer (thank god). After #2 was born (I was just laid off from my job of 11 years), we decided let's give it another shot. I just knew that my family did not feel complete. I love my boys, but felt they needed another sibling. I have no regrets with the three loveable handsome boys we have.. they actually make me want to have 1 more ; ) But that is where I am struggling making that decision, husband say no.
I think 6 months is really young to make that decision.. if it was me I would wait until baby was a year. This time around we are waiting until the baby is 2 before we decide on #4. We want to see where we are financially (money is not everything - but with more kids it really does contstrain us a bit) & if I would be able to stay at home longer. I am not sure how I will feel if my husband is still a "no" & I still want to go. I have to respect his wishes & am thankful everyday for the 3 awesome boys we have!