:-( (very Long & whiny)

jaysgirljulie · June 2010

Every since Ryan was born I've been having a really hard time w/ PPD. I've been going to PPD meetings for new moms at the hospital and my midwife perscribed me depression meds. I have not returned to work yet because she keeps writing me out until I feel better and so that Ryan and I can bond. I'm still not feeling like other new moms feel towards their kids but I'm really trying. I joined a fancy gym with a really great childcare program. My thoughts were that I could start working out and hopefully get some endorphins running through my body to help me feel better. Also I would get two hours a day to myself while Ryan is being watched (DH does help w/LO when he gets home but that's when I can finally clean, do laundry, grocery shop, shower...).

Well surprise surprise, big fat freaking FAIL! Today was the first day. I worked out for 1 1/2 hours and then came to check on him. They said he was fussy but was just waking up from a nap. That didn't surprise me, he's always fussy. I get in the shower all happy from my workout and because of the fact that I get to take more than a five minute shower. I just about finished shaving one leg and my name was paged over the intercom. I rinsed off and got dressed really quick and went to the childcare center where Ryan is crying hysterically. When I held him he calmed down for about 30 seconds and then started screaming even louder than before. OMG, I've never seen him cry like this before! Usually when he cries we can get him to stop somewhat quickly but today was crying so hard, loud and long I was about to take him to the emergency room.

He finally did calm down and then started smiling like he didn't have a care in the world. By then I was the one upset because I thought something was really wrong with him. Also I felt so humiliated becasue everyone was staring and I don't blame them. They probably thought he was being tortured or something. The director of the childcare center was there and she was trying to help any way she could. She was very nice and helpful. I asked if it's common for babies to do that there and she said that sometimes babies do cry but she had never seen a baby act like that before.

We come home and he's just fine, which I am glad but at the same time, WTF!

I have about had it! I feel like this kid is holding me hostage. Now that he does take short naps I get to use the rest room, pump, and eat -if I'm quick about it. The rest of the time is spent with me trying to keep him from crying. He wants nothing to do with any toys, with being put down, he hates when we read books and esp being sung to. He screams in the car, and just about all the time so we usually never leave the house.

This may sound mean but I'm starting to wonder if it's me that has issues after all. I think he does! I'm trying my very best and it isn't freaking good enough! I would do anything to make my kid happy. He is about the most unhappy baby ever. I've brought him to the doctor before and after some trial and error she thinks he is just a high needs baby and this is just his personality. I'm thinking she's right because he's been screaming like this since the minute he was born. .

At least I know it's not just me. He acts like this with everyone, even worse actually with others. Lisa just posted about how she could see being a SAHM. I wish I felt that way too.Part of me wants to go back to work and work all the time and make DH deal with it, pay a daycare to raise my kid for me. I love him and it makes me so sad that I can't make him happy and I feel such guilt for wishing I got a different kid, one who wasn't so miserable. Last week we went to a reunion for my maternity group care and got to see all the other babies. Ryan is not like any of those other babies, how much easier life would be if he was anything like them. I'm the happiest woman in the world on the rare days when Ryan is in a good mood but most of the time he can smile so sweet and the next breath he's back to being miserable.

Vent over. Thanks for listeining. Any suggestions other than asking for the strongest depression drug out there?

redshoegirl · June 2010

Oh honey - big, huge hugs for you. I know what you're going through must be unimaginably hard and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

You said he wants to be held all the time - does having him in a wrap or a carrier work so that at least you can do other stuff while you're holding him? I know this wouldn't work to give you alone time without caring for a baby, but I'm thinking of while you're home so at least you don't feel like such a hostage - that way you could eat, throw on a load of laundry, whatever. I take it a swing/bouncer doesn't work?

I know you've talked to your doctor before, but do you think it might be worth trying with her again (or maybe even a different doctor)? I'm wondering if perhaps he has really bad silent reflux or something like that which is making him (and in turn, you) miserable all the time.

Also, I know this is NOT the same as having a high needs baby, but for what it's worth, sometimes I feel the same about having twins. Really my boys are pretty easy babies, but with two of them it's just SO demanding - sometimes I look at other mothers and just want to cry because all I can think is how much easier it would be if I only had one. I feel insanely guilty for thinking that, and I'd never give either of them up, but I can't help but think about how much easier it would be with just one. I'm NOT trying to make you feel guilty for complaining because you don't have multiples (especially since I think you actually have it rougher than I do) - I just want you to know that you're not alone in sometimes secretly wishing/wondering what it would be like if things were different.

(((hugs)))

sanae78 · June 2010

Julie, I feel for you. Reading this almost had me in tears. I felt the same the first couple weeks because Kaya was so fussy too. And the first few days my bff was able to calm her better than I could so I kinda felt rejected by my own baby. Luckily it passed quickly for me and Kaya has become much less fussy. I don't really have any advice but know that you are not alone. How is your hubby with Ryan? And how's he dealing with your feelings? I hope that he's helping you our with Ryan as much as possible so that you can have some time to unwind.

MrsNJSwimmer · June 2010

Oh I'm so sorry. I felt this way too though. The bonding didn't really take right away, and from what I've read, that's ok and pretty normal. If I wasn't so tired all the time, I would have wanted to go back to work about a month in just to get away from him. I know, that sounds horrible, but it's how I felt.

I wonder if you could kind of ease him in at the gym? Maybe work out for 30 minutes, for a week, then the next week go 45, then 1 hour, etc.? I just wonder if it would give him some time to get used to the new environment?

I also agree with Lisa about the reflux. Have you talked to the dr about it? Spitting up isn't always the major sign - my LO doesn't spit up much, but he hated laying down, and was arching his back when eating, etc.

Also, for you, there are different meds - has your doc tried anything else, or just one kind? I know people who have gone through several to find the right one (and I know that that is frustrating to hear, believe me!). Do you have any family around who could give you a break for a few hours?

MauiWedding08 · June 2010

I'm sorry.

I agree with the other posters - try to get back to the doctors. Both yours, to see if there is a medication that might help you more. I know my sister has went through a ton to find the right combo to help her depression and anxiety. And depending on what triggers it (seasonal depression, overwhelmed from school, life changes, etc.) she needs something different. And go back to the ped, or a different ped to see if they have any other advice. I instantly think of digestion issues - either silent reflux or gut flora issues, but who knows. Some babies just have a lot of trouble adjusting to life in the real world. He has reached the 3 month mark and if things are not getting better I think it's really something that should be examined. It's just so difficult they can't tell us what the problem is.

Also like PP, I would try to ramp up the gym time. I'm sure they have seen it all - do not be embarrassed - especially in a childcare environment! And please don't compare yourself and your child to the other babies, the learning curve is rough and each baby/parent combo is unique - you will get into the groove soon

I know what you mean though - Jack got fussy at a restaurant over the weekend and it was stressful, embarrassing, and I felt like everyone was staring and judging as we gathered up our stuff to make a quick exit. The little stinker immediately calmed down on the walk to the car. I almost wanted to take him back in there to show everyone that nothing was wrong with him and we were not awful parents for trying to take him out in public - hah.

mrspresley · June 2010

oh julie, i'm so sorry. i just want to echo what everyone else has said. please don't feel guilty for the feelings that you have. they are normal. i'd definitely see about trying different meds b/c everyone is different and some help more than others. also see if you can figure out if he has silent acid reflux - that came to my mind too when reading your post. even if he is just a "high needs" baby as he gets older he will become more interactive and not just a big lump that cries and demands all your attention. i know that each day seems like an eternity when you are going through this and you kind of think "what are people talking about?!" when they say "enjoy him, they grow up too fast" but i think those people just don't remember what it was like in the beginning!! please feel free to vent here anytime, that is what we are here for... and again, please don't feel bad about feeling the way that you do. i was so ready to go back to work at 6 weeks (even though i didn't) just so i could "get away" so i think it's a very normal way to feel. big hugs to you! with some help i hope things get better soon!

MrsZiz · June 2010

First I am so sorry that you have PPD, I have no idea how you feel. I know after I had B and after my m/c my hormones were running high, I was happy one minute and overwhelmed with emotions the next. I would ask them to change your meds if you can.

Bella was a HIGH HIGH needs baby! For certain! I have no doubt in my mind. People would say "is she ever happy?" or "She just has to be held all of the time" or "can't you just put her down?"... WTF! NO I can't just put her down or I would, if I could I would shower and shave my legs but I can't... my baby NEEDS me 24/7!! HELLO! It pi$$ed me off because everyone had so many suggestions that we'd already tried! What could I do, she wasn't an unhappy baby, once I figured out she was high needs then I adapted to her, it worked for us and made us all happier. Instead of fighting the high needs that she had, I HAD to give in or we'd all be miserable.

What worked for us? Wearing her! The moby and babyhawk were a God send for sure! I could do stuff. I could go for walks and she was quiet, I could do dishes, I could feel semi-normal because I was doing something to help her while I was helping myself by getting off of the couch. She still likes to be worn but not as much as before... she's SO social and loves every one that she comes in contact with. Probiotics helped too a ton. I think she was having stomach issues too. She was very gassy and the gas drops made it worse because they made her constipated which only added to our problem. I was breastfeeding and I tried cutting out diary products which helped a little bit and then I slowly added them back without any issues. Probiotics were given to her every morning and we noticied a difference in a matter of a couple of days. Oh and the swing worked sometimes, on the HIGHEST FASTEST setting possible

She's a much happier girl these days. She's mobile and she loves life. I give into her needs to this day because it's what works for us. I know that sometimes she'll fuss before a nap and that she'll be fine but if she fusses (I'm not talking screaming) for more than 15 mins then she needs to be picked up or she'll go mental It's her, call her high needs, call her spirited, call her what you will, but she's mine and I adore her! She's a total momma's girl. She wants to be near me when I'm off, she'll crawl right under my feet and just hang out while I'm doing something.

Good luck with all of this. I'm sure Ryan may be high needs and that's what's adding to your PPD issues. Once you figure out what works for you guys, I'm sure life will be instantly better.

inamra · June 2010

I'm so sorry =( I know this must be rough. I don't have much to add to all the wonderful responses so far, especially since I'm still early in the parenting stage. But I want you to know that you're doing your best, and that's the best for Ryan. Your care and efforts are more than good enough for your LO and I think he might just be going through a phase right now. I hope you're able to get all the help and support that you need during this rough time and don't be afraid to ask others for help. I really hope things get better. )))HUGS(((

vanilla15 · June 2010

I am so sorry, hon. I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating this all is, but know you are by no means the only one. I don't have any of my own yet, but I know so many friends and family that have had very similar issues. Like pp have said, I would definitely talk to your dr and your pedi (or maybe even a different pedi) just to make sure there is nothing else that can be done. I really don't know much about what makes babies tick & a few of the pp have mentioned reflux, but what about colic? A few of my friends that had fussy babies all attributed it to colic.

I know it will all get better very soon. Just hang in there, and know you can always come here to vent! )))HUGS(((

HulaLove · June 2010

Julie I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Don't feel bad for the way you feel at all. Big hugs to you, you're doing a great job!

I don't have any other advice, the other ladies gave you some great advice. I just wanted to give you a big e-hug and tell you it won't be like this forever.

HulaLove · June 2010

Oh one more thing:
Are you bfing? Maybe he has a milk allergy?

SanHawaii08 · June 2010

no advice here, but just wanted to give you a big hug! he looks so happy and cheerful if your siggy pic...hopefully with all this great advice, you and the pedi can figure out how to make him look like that more often, and you feel better soon. Left Hug

MrsNicole&Brian808 · June 2010

I'm so sorry, Julie! I'm thankful that we are able to share real experiences from real moms here. I'm not where you are yet, but, while I'm a little scared, I'm also glad to have this kind of insight in my back pocket for later. I hope you and Ryan are able to figure out a workable solution together really soon. *hugs*

MrsIH · June 2010

No other advice to add but wanted to send hugs, lots and lots of hugs. It will get better, I promise you. Hang in there xo

myday1708 · June 2010

Just wanted to give you a big hug!! You are a great momma. :-)

mrs.winter · June 2010

Girl, I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. I think we've all been there one time or another and it is very normal.

You are a great mother and are doing your best.

(((HUGS)))

Married2MrWright · June 2010

I am so sorry Julie...it must feel very overwhelming. Good for you for being proactive, talking with your doctor, reaching out for support and taking matters into your own hands with trying to get to the gym, etc.

I also wonder if Ryan might have reflux or something going on...it may be worth looking into further. Also, you're pumping...some babies are sensitive to things that bfing mamas eat...so that may be something to check out too. I know several mamas on the AP board have had to eliminate certain foods to help their LO's. Usually it's soy, dairy, wheat, etc. that is the culprit. Again, worth considering since he's so fussy. I am huge fan of Colic Calm and we still give it to Libby when she's gassy, spitting up and generally miserable.

I also recommend wearing him, if you can. High needs babies do well with being in a wrap carrier or sling. Have you tried it? At the very least you can be hands-free and still hold him. Also, many babies sleep well when being worn. So you could put him on and go for a walk or something. Get your endorphins going and calm him at the same time.

Big hugs mama...you're doing great...keep reaching out and searching for answers. Perhaps this is just a case of something he has to outgrow, but again, if there is something going on and a dietary change, etc. might help it's worth considering.

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