Who are you planning on having in the delivery room?

princessandthegator · January 2016

This is probably a ridiculous question, particularly because most of us are barely halfway through this but here's the story:

DH for years said he didn't want anyone in the delivery room but us, which I think makes perfect sense. Fast forward to September when our best friends go into labor and he gets to see the video (shot from behind her shoulder, no nat geo stuff) and sees that her MIL and Mom were there holding her legs and Dad got to be hands free prepping for his baby boy to come out. Now my husband is adamant about the Mom's being in the room. I adore my Mother, we are incredibly close...like REALLY close, he thinks I'm too close to my parents lol. And my Mother in law is like my second Mom, she had only boys so I'm her favorite. But the further I get in this pregnancy, the more I want to share that intimate moment just with DH. It's our first child and our family and friends are so involved in our lives, I feel like we need that momentary family bonding before we're bombarded with people. Am I being ridiculous? I'd love to get advice from STM as to whether or not is was necessary to have extra people there or if it was super beautiful, lifetime movie network cheesy to be alone.

Also, you should know that I will be delivering in Miami, so you only get one nurse and your OB. Not many people in the room (this is why DH is dead set on the Mom assistants).

Linsbins · January 2016

There is no way in hell mil will be in my delivery room. My mil isn't that bad but thats a very vulnerable experience...and I dot want her seeing my hooha. My own mom might be, it depends on the moment. Dh only wants himself in there, so it's been easy to blame it al on him.

PBear93 · January 2016

My husband and any medical personnel that need to be in the room. And that will be the same if I have a VBAC or a RCS.

goldie987 · January 2016

This has been a topic of great discussion for us, DH (and me at one point) had the belief that our parents all had a sort of right to be there for the birth of their grandchild. Now that it's reality and I have to actually think about it, I changed to only my mom and DH (I'm not super close to my MIL) and after I talked to my mom regarding her opinion, changed only to me and DH. To bring it a step further, we live 4-6 hours from all of our family and plan to not tell anyone we're in the hospital until the baby is born so we have a solid couple of hours to bond with the baby before having to share them with our parents. Selfish? Sure, but I won't want to share if they're there right after the baby is born. At least this way they'll get to hold them for a little bit before I demand to have my new baby back (hopefully).

One side note, check the rules of your hospital re: the delivery room. My hospital allows 2 people with the mother-to-be, so even if I wanted to have both my mom and MIL, I wouldn't have been allowed to.

In the end, its your bits that will be on display and you have to be comfortable with everyone that is in there. I am firmly in the "nobody else gets a say in birth attendance" camp, I don't care if it was my MIL's dream to be there or if my SIL really wants this bonding experience (not saying either of these are true for me, just examples), its my body and my choice on this one.

Emztron500 · January 2016

I had my mom at my first birth. My labour was very long and started in the late evening so DH and her took turns going to get some sleep (I laboured from 8pm to 3:30 pm the next day...all of us slept at some point, myself included). It was nice having her there although she wasn't super involved or anything (definitely wasn't holding my legs, haha). My husband was still my main support person except when he was asleep.

This time I can reasonably expect labour to be a lot shorter and I don't think my mom will be there. I will have a doula though and it will be a home birth so myself, my husband, doula, and 2 midwives will be there.

Never for a second considered inviting my MIL. I like her but just no. Too intimate, too intense a moment to share with her.

MsBeachNJ · January 2016

Just me and my DH - I'm very close with my mom but I already had this conversation with her and she understands and fully supports that this is a very intimate time for just our little family... I love my MIL but I would never want her to be in there either... I know they will all be in the waiting room excited & praying for all of us, but that's as close as they'll come until my husband shouts "its a girl!" or "its a boy"! (team green) and we get to share some family bonding time before inviting them in to meet their newest grandchild. Its a personal choice, and one I believe you have every right to feel strongly about.

SMLmom · January 2016

My mom and my husband just like the first time around. It worked well. They both went on "breaks" and were helpful in different ways when I was in a lot of pain. My mom went away for a bit after my daughter was born (it's all a foggy memory) so my hubs and I had some alone time, but similarly my father-in-law was waiting anxiously in the visitors room and came in very shortly after the birth.
I would NOT want my in laws in the room while I was going through such a personal experience. My dad and I aren't that close and honestly he didn't meet my daughter till quite some time after she was born. My hubs and my mom have seen me through everything and I was glad they could both share this too.

fishwife799 · January 2016

If they weren't there to put it in, they won't be there when it comes out... That's my motto. I did have my SIL there for my first delivery but just me and DH for my second. This will be the same.

alysemci · January 2016

I loved it being just me and my husband, the nurse and the midwife. A lot of people being in the room would stress me out. I want to be quiet and by myself. My husband watched movies until it was time to push and I only called the nurse and midwife in when my body started pushing on its own. Also my husband I can tell to stfu if I'm feeling over stimulated. I get aggravated and annoyed when I'm in pain so I love space and being alone. My husband held a leg, my nurse held the other and the midwife pulled him out where he went directly on my chest within seconds so there wasn't a need for my husband to be hands free. He cut the cord and was the first to hold him after the baby came off my chest (which you should do for the first hour if possible). It really depends on your personality, I am also creepily close with my mom but I didn't feel I needed her at that moment. She came 15 minutes after I had him though (at 4 am)

princessandthegator · January 2016

Thank you! I feel bad having my Mom and not my Mother in law, and I'd rather have neither than both lol. I don't mind them coming in and out but when it's really time for her to be here, I'd like to just be the two of us.

Huskerfanz · January 2016

Just H and me were at DS's delivery and I loved it that way. It will be just H again.

I've thought about my sister or my mom being in the recovery room since H will probably go to the NICU with the babies. But, I want my mom to watch my DS so I don't know yet.

tjenkins528 · January 2016

For DS, my mom was in the room with me until I got uncomfortable with contractions. When we got close to pushing, she left and it was just DH and a nurse for the next few hours. I say do what you're comfortable with, but I'm definitely not as close with my MIL. My mom came in when they were finishing cleaning me up and MIL came the next morning (had DS at midnight).

ahernandez16 · January 2016

I'm just planning on me and DH being in the room. I honestly don't even want DH to call people and tell them we're at the hospital until it nears go time. I don't really want visitors while I'm in labor and I want some alone time with just the 3 of us before the influx of visitors.

My mom is a drama queen and stresses me out because she likes to control 100% of the situations her kids are involved in. She once threw a fit in the ER when I was like 22 and in the hospital for what I thought was a broken leg because the doctor's wouldn't let her back in the room with me because I was an adult. They said I could authorize her to come back but I said no, lol. She thinks it's her right as a grandparent, but I just can't get down with that. I'll be stressed out enough. And my MIL doesn't need to see all that business going on down there, nor does she want to. Thank God.

LizM61409 · January 2016

Just me and dh in the delivery room. That part we agree on. Additionally, I don't want anyone else even in the building bc I know they'll just hover, and I'm pushing for not even telling anyone I'm in labor until after the baby is out. I don't want our phones blowing up during the whole thing, and I want prolly the first few hours to be no visitors, which I'm guessing is a lot easier to pull off if they don't even know you're there. DH wants to tell people when I'm in labor.

AmberLiz99 · January 2016

Just me and dh. Every time. I have no desire for anyone else to be in there (aside from the midwife and nurses of course).

PressLove · January 2016

Just me and DH. I didn't even want anyone in the waiting room. Although I was in labor for 33 hrs. (12 at home), DH took breaks and would go eat. I didn't need/want anyone else.

Another option- have the moms there for the inactive part of labor. When it's go time, kick everyone out, except DH. When my BFF had her third kid, her DH, mom, dad, and I were there. I left before the good part.

crdo · January 2016

DH and the medical staff. The end.

I'm of a similar feeling @LizM61409 in that I am debating about when/if to tell immediate family I'm in labor, because I don't want our phones to explode with everyone asking for updates. Worse, I will be livid if anything winds up on Facebook before DH and I post to announce baby's arrival, if we even decide to do so. Most of our immediate family is within an hour or two from our chosen hospital, so I don't want a gaggle of people waiting for what could be forever in the waiting room.

Also, I want time for DH, baby, and myself to bond, begin breastfeeding if possible, and get me repaired and cleaned up before anyone comes in. Which takes what, at least a couple of hours (assuming vaginal birth), STMs?

mkemommy · January 2016

H will be there and my sister will more than likely be there too. I was in the delivery room for her first born (for her second born I was supposed to be there but the baby came in like 20 minutes and I had an hour commute to the hospital). I love my mom but I know she isn't really one for blood, birth, death or sickness.

mrsb8244 · January 2016

I'm really struggling with this. I briefly asked DH his opinion the other day but we disagree so I dropped it quickly. He wants it to be just him and I which I understand and think that would be really nice. However, I'm extremely close with my mom and I think it would be nice to have her in the room. Especially because I want DH to stay with the baby after delivery no matter what and it would be nice to have my mom by my side still to deliver the placenta and all that fun stuff. Obviously all this goes out the window if I have to have a c-section

ETA: We did agree on the fact that our parents and siblings are welcome to be in and out of the room if they feel like being at the hospital through the laboring process. The above was just regarding the actual delivery

jpocnj · January 2016

I'm not comfortable having anyone in the delivery room aside for DH or any necessary medical professionals. I kind of feel like if I wouldn't normally show you my hooha, you don't need to see it at that time either.

I don't want anyone waiting at the hospital either because while I understand that it's a special moment for grandparents, aunts, uncles etc, I think it's 100 times more special for husband and wife and that you should have some time to cherish those first minutes without interruption or anyone else trying to take pictures or hold your new baby.

And when it comes down to it, DH gets to have an opinion in the matter, but since I'm the one being exposed and doing all of the work I get the final say in what goes down.

mamabird24 · January 2016

I delivered both my girls at a teaching hospital, so I always had lots of people in my room. Both times just DH was with me (DD2 was a c-sec so there was no option for anyone else even if I wanted) but I don't recall him doing much in the way of helping lol he was there next to me, that I remember, but he didn't even cut the cord when they asked him, I think he was mostly in shock at what just happened lol ultimately, I feel like it's your decision since you're the one going through all this, but it's also best to make sure you guys are on the same page about it. This time around it'll just be DH and I again, maybe DD1 but I'm not sure about that yet.

Mr0616 · January 2016

Just me and DH. I'm super close to my mom too so she will probably be there during the inactive part. She had no opinion on it when I asked her. We have been through the shitty parts of chemo/radiation and surgery together so we don't have anything to hold back, but I would just be more comfortable with me and DH.

gauge1234 · January 2016

Not a ridiculous question at all! I have been thinking about the birth from the moment I was pregnant.

At this point I am planning on DH, my midwife, and possibly a doula.

My MIL wants to come to help but I don't want anyone else there. I feel really private about it at this point. And I want the time with DH and our new little one.

I am going to go as far as to tell people they need to not come to the hospital until they are invited. The thought of people sitting in the waiting room stresses the crap out of me.

Thankfully we all know each other and it won't be a surprise for me to take a strong lead on this. It is my body and I get to choose

I hope everyone advocates for themselves to have the best birth experience possible.

PS - I am going to be asking for white roses and candles. This is making me feel like a celebrity with the specific list of demands lol.

likeabel · January 2016

With DS we didn't want anyone in the room. I told my in laws I was planning on laboring completely naked so they better stay out! Growing up my mother was always adamant that only me and my future husband should be in the delivery room. When she was in labor with my sister her MIL/FIL walked in while she was pushing and she felt extremely violated. (And still tells the story 38 years later)

We planned on not telling anyone I was in labor until DS was born but I ended up being induced at 41 weeks so everyone knew. We were at the hospital for 46 hours before my csection and occasionally updated my mom/MIL and they took control of updating everyone else.

I'd say with your first, plan to not tell anyone! If it feels right to update people in the moment then do it. Most likely you won't have this luxury with future births because you'll probably drop your children off with someone and the cat will be out of the bag!

When you're in the moment, you won't care if people are trying to get an update. Just put your phone on silent and ignore them!

You can also tell your nurse if you don't want people there while you're pushing or after a certain point and when it's time they'll deal with kicking people out of the room.

DeePaddy24 · January 2016

This has been a fairly common discussion with DH & I, but I'm not sure if we've actually reached an agreement yet. I know he would like it to just be him in there with me, which I am fine with...but, I'm very close with my mom, & since I'm an only child I feel like this would be a really special moment for her, too. Plus, whenever anything big happens (or whenever I'm in a lot of pain/really sick), I still always turn to my mom. I feel like she would be more level-headed & calm than DH will be. It's tough, though, because I definitely wouldn't want my MIL in the room.
I'm sure we'll make the right decision for us...we've still got time to talk it over.

TunieBee · January 2016

If I actually go into labor on my own (previously late induction resulting in c-section), I will have myh usband and possibly a good girlfriend. However, if I end up having a planned C-section, or unplanned, I will make sure my brother is in the OR along with me and husband so he can be with me in the operating room again once the baby goes with my husband like he did last time.

lm45678 · January 2016

I would rather eat my own foot than have my MIL in the room with me.

But, like you OP, I am very close with my mother - she is my best friend and she also happens to be a nurse who is great in stressful situations. My husband and I go back and forth about whether or not we want her there. Thanks for posting this- it's great to see responses from STM+.

NLewis1 · January 2016

It was just DH and me in the delivery room with our son and I'm glad. I'm glad because we had a traumatic birth and my mother would have been super upset and beside herself which I didn't need at the time.

We didn't get to hold him because he was immediately life flighted to a bigger hospital with a NICU, but had it been a normal birth the bonding time between me, DH and DS would have been the very best. It will just be DH with me again this one around.

If it's just the idea of him being "hands free" - look at it like this. My h held one leg during delivery. Once he was out my legs went back in the stirrups immediately and DH would have been right there to hold DS had that been an option during his birth.

cmac827 · January 2016

When I was younger, I told my mom I wanted her there. She told me it would be a special time with my husband and I would probably change my mind. She was right. I am just having my husband, a doula, my midwife, and a nurse. The birthing center I'm delivering at also says no visitors until after the "magic hour", meaning no one for the first hour after birth. If you insist, they will allow you to have visitors, but discourage it for bonding purposes.

mrsb8244 · January 2016

@DeePaddy24 it is ridiculous how similar you and I (and our DH's) are lol

WinniethePoohsPants · January 2016

Just me and DH for my first born. This new crazy notion that anyone "deserves" to be there while you are giving birth besides you and your birthing medical personnel is completely ridiculous. I'm very close with my mom and my sister, but I've told everyone not to come to the hospital unless invited. Giving birth is stressful enough without an audience.

This article explains my feelings on this very well:
https://www.xojane.com/issues/childbirth-is-not-a-spectator-sport

Emztron500 · January 2016

@MrsB1984 when I had my baby, I held her while placenta was delivered, etc. She was plopped on my tummy as soon as she was born and stayed there for a while, and then when they did grab her to weigh and assess her it was for like 2 minutes and she was right back on me. So I don't think you need to worry about DH going with baby while you're still doing labour stuff unless something is really wrong that requires baby to be taken away from you right away (possible but unlikely).

totsabounding · January 2016

I love my MIL and my mom, but hell no to them holding my legs. And I feel exactly the same way as @gauge1234 when it comes to people in the waiting room. Just me and DH. Everyone else can wait.

MDKC14 · January 2016

I had my mom, my MIL and DH with DS and don't regret any of it. The only thing I may do different this go round is maybe substitute MIL with my best friend who is a photographer because I can only have 3 people in the room per hospital policy.

princessandthegator · January 2016

I'm so glad I'm not the only one with this "dilemma". I don't know if I want people in the waiting room either but people will flip if I don't tell them I'm going into labor. One of my close friends is a paramedic and we have a group chat with another friend in California. She was telling her she'd facetime her and then when I said she can be in the waiting room, she said in her uniform they'd let her into the delivery room. I almost died. Is it selfish to not tell people you've gone into labor? I feel like I'm the only crazy hormonal one in my circle who feels this way, my best friend who I mentioned in the original post had 40 people in the waiting room. Idk, I feel like that's too much. It's too many people vying to see my kid in the first few hours.

crdo · January 2016

@mrsmartinez16: Frankly, your birth, your rules. Selfish in a negative way? Nope. If telling people you're in labor will add to your stress level, then don't do it. People will just have to get over it, understanding this is YOUR choice. Period. If they get upset and actually have the gall to express that to you, that says a lot about their character.

To try and mitigate any drama, you can always set expectations beforehand, firmly explaining whatever you've decided is what's best for you, your partner, and your baby.

ahernandez16 · January 2016

@mrsmartinez16 not selfish at all. My SIL had a baby last year and we were texting about something totally unrelated and in a random reply she said, "Oh, by the way, I had the baby today." I went and said hi when I got out of work and that was that.

I feel the same way as you. I might give in and have people in the waiting room if they want but I honestly kind of hope I go into labor in the middle of the night so I can use the "I didn't want to wake anyone" excuse, haha.

mrsb8244 · January 2016

@Emztron500 that's definitely nice to hear! The only delivery experience I have is I was in the room with a friend of mine a couple years ago and as soon as baby came out they took him to weigh him and do Apgar scores and dad went with baby and I stayed with mom. Can you voice your opinion that you want baby to do kangaroo care right after birth?

colesmom33 · January 2016

With my first, we were planning on having family/close friends in the waiting room that would visit while I was in labor but just me and my DH for the delivery. But I went so fast, by the time anyone got there, I was already pushing. It was nice having my husband there with me but by no means was it a Lifetime movie! For some reason, he just kept feeding me ice chips until I wanted to throw up!

This time, we'll plan for the same thing - family waiting in the waiting room, just me and DH for delivery.

Scout27 · January 2016

I don't want anyone in the room besides DH, midwife and nurse. My mom passed away 13 years ago and even though she and I were very, very close, I still don't think I would want her in the room holding one of my legs. And I'm also very close with my MIL but I don't want her in the room.

We haven't decided about visitors yet but I lean towards not telling people until I'm pushing or getting close. I'm not worried about it ending up on fb but I don't think I'll want to see visitors for a little while after he/she is born.

noslen0519 · January 2016

My first was a planned c-section. DH was there of course and we had the okay to have my mom in the OR as well. I was nervous and upset I needed a c-section so it was comforting for me to have my mom there too. She was adamant about staying out of the way and letting us have our moment, and it was wonderful to have here there to take pictures and share the moment. She still talks about my reaction to finding out it was a girl as being so amazing and something she will never forget. I also appreciated having her there with me while I was being sewn up so DH could go with DD.

There's so much going on (particularly with a c-section) that there really wasn't an intimate feel anyway. As long as she is allowed (and plans go accordingly) I would have her this time too. I think it's a very personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves. =-)

ETA: No MIL!!! She's nice enough, but nope.

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Who are you planning on having in the delivery room?

Re: Who are you planning on having in the delivery room?

Mrs. H

Crohn's Dx: August 2008

Endometriosis Dx: May 2010

Married: 05/19/2012

TTC #1: June 2013

BFP: December 2013

DS: Born 08/29/2014

TTC #2: July 2015

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