I dont know how to deal any more, i need help.
Crying for help
I need to talk to somebody.
I just cant keep it together anymore.
I dont know if it qualifies as really a postpartum thing I dont know if it is or not. I just really need to find someone to talk to that knows where im coming from or what im going through, A few days after DS was born i got really sick I was helicopter-ed and placed in the ICU I developed TTP (google it) and My body shut down. I had to be intubated twice and had kidney failure. They basically didn't know if i was going to make it or not on a few occasions i came reall close to death. Much more to it all but its too long of a story. I missed the first 3 weeks of DS's life. I held him 3 times before I got sick as he was in the NICU and they didnt know what was wrong with me, so i couldnt see him.
We are all fine now both perfectly healthy, I gave up 3 weeks fo a lifetime together. The first few months were hard adjusting to being a mom and generally getting better i was still sick for a long time after i got home.
Its just that once i physically got better it came to a point we just had to get on with our lives and start living it . Now almost 10 months later im having a sudden paralyzing hard time with it. No one wants to talk about it anymore because its too hard to think about too sad. But while my family can all relate to what they went through together no one knows where im coming from. WHat it was like to wake up with your wrists restrained to the bed and a tube down your throat thinking you must be paralyzed so drugged up you dont remember the last three weeks of your life. I need to find someone who has been intubated or who missed their babies first few weeks who didnt get to have those moments.
Ive held so much of it in and i just cant anymore commercials of new babies dont just make me sad they make me sob. The though of my newly pregnant sister in law being able to give birth and have completely a normal post birth life is so heart breaking because its so unfair i break down. I want to be happy for them and she is only 8 weeks along but I get histarical thinking and judt massive pain in my chest and cant contain my breakdown. Im horrible for having their happiness get me upset which only makes me more upset if that can make any sense.
A woman at work brought her 3 week old baby in and was swaying like it was nothing and it was so painfull to watch.
Ive been battling this sadness internally anytime i try to talk to DS about he just tries to question dont you love James hes right here its ok we are all ok. But i havent dealt with it all. With almost dying with missing out on so much. I dont know where to turn to but i cant keep holding it in the littlest things start to trigger things and the sadness is overwhelming. I dont know what to do and as august gets closer its only going to get worse.
No one wants to relive the pain trauma and sadness
I want to be happy Im grateful for all that i have where i am. I try to live in the moment and enjoy each one but I just have the hole this empty aching place inside that i cant talk through and there is a cloud engulfing me more and more day to day.
I dont know why im even posting here or if any one will read this I guess i just dont know where else to turn or where else to fine anyone to tell me im not crazy to feel this was and to listen / help,
Thank you for listening. for giving me a place to write it all out and off my chest.
Re: I dont know how to deal any more, i need help.
((hugs))
that's a lot of stuff to deal with. you aren't crazy. i found it super helpful to talk to other people, impartial 3rd party types. i went to a support group, and i also did talk therapy. i think you might really benefit from telling your story and how it makes you feel to a therapist. hearing your own words bounce off of someone who is not connected to you personally and have them be interested and ask questions about things you may not have thought about is so so helpful.
while my story is not like yours, i feel like i missed out on my sons early months due to PPD/PPA bonding issues. I don't have many pictures of him from then, and i don't have a lot of happy memories, so i can sort of relate. i do have twinges of jealousy when i hear about new moms who immediately love their babies and are so happy. it seems so unfair.
I agree. I'm sorry sorry you're going through this.