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Stay at Home Moms
gokeyoke987
member
Can't shake negative comment...long
gokeyoke987
member
Hello! I'm a SAHM to my son, Sam, who is 9 months old...I LOVE being home with him, but lately I feel so devalued by others (not my husband or family, more random people)
For instance, I can't shake off a comment that I read on a friend's blog (from one of her friends)
My friend was defending why she works full time and doesn't stay home (I have no problem with this), and this other person commented that not only do working moms do everything that we do, but that they do it in 4 hours.
This just infuriated me. I wanted to say that there is daycare for a reason! Its not like I sit around all day long, I chase after a screaming, crying, or laughing 9-month-old baby. I change diapers, I feed him, I read to him, etc. Yes, there are perks, I do get to meet girlfriends for lunch, I do get to visit my mom...but I am still caring for him the entire time! Not only that, I would love to have a day where I could work at a desk like I use to! I would love that adult conversation and time in the car to just be alone...we are not sitting around all day. But I CHOSE this life and know I am so blessed 
I also have another friend that very much devalues staying at home and I guess I just feel down about it, and feel that from others often as well.
Ugh, sorry I realize that this is a rant, but I just can't shake my irritation with this comment! I guess I'm just looking for some positive feedback, someone else who understands what I mean. Thanks
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can't shake negative comment...long
DO NOT let this bother you. That comment was left to make your friend feel better because EVERYONE feels insecure about their decision in some way. Frankly, I don't let comments like that bother me at all. I know what I do and they don't. I used to be a WM and I knew full well that I was missing things with DS during the week. Don't get me wrong, I am pro-child care because he LOVED it there and learned quite a bit. But he also loves being here with me and learns here in different ways. Neither choice is wrong and the day that everyone can see that will be a GREAT day for society.
Short answer- that comment was not geared to bash you. Erase it from your memory.
I agree with this.
To the op though, you say there is daycare for a reason like a working mom can just drop their child off at daycare to go home and clean house. Doesn't work like that. I've been a working mom, and am going back to it shortly (not by choice, but circumstances) and it is hard. Very hard. There is less time to get things done around home when working and when you do those things, a lot of times it can make you feel bad because you should be spending the precious time with your lo but you can't just let the state of your house go to complete $hit. I'm not saying staying home is easy either by any means. They both have challenges. Just different challenges.
I think it's one of those situations where everyone assumes that they are working harder than the next person. Until she's walked in your shoes, she'll never understand how hard you work. For example, I don't think my dh truly understood what I do all day until he was laid off. He was out of work for 3 mo and then got a job in which he now works from home (and has been for the last 6 mo)... so he has now been home for 9 months and he can now truly see how hard it is to be home. Even when he first lost his job he only saw the 'bright' side to SAH... playing with the kids, making yummy lunches etc.. now that the 'honeymoon' phase of being home has worn off, he truly sees how much work it is and how he doesn't have a free second to himself and how the kids are always noisy and getting into stuff etc. I think it takes walking in someone elses shoes to 'get it'.... which means that your friends may never really understand. All I can say is to not let it bother you. No matter whether you are a full time SAHM or full time working mom or a WAHM... it's never easy! I wish more people would realize that and not spend so much time judging others decisions and assuming that the grass is always greener on the other side.
You know that what you are doing is right for your family and that's all that matters. And even if your friends don't understand what you're going through.... WE DO!
That's what's so wonderful about this forum.
Ditto that they both have challenges, just different challenges.
And, the comment was right in a way. I can't fathom working outside the house all day, coming home and trying to spend as much quality time with my child as possible, and THEN trying to fit in all the housework, cooking, what have you in a few hours. It is just a fact - stay at home moms have way more time to do these things. It doesn't mean our job is "easier", but it is what it is. I have been a SAHM since DS was born, and of course we have had days/weeks/months of barely being able to get anything done (no napping, teething, potty training, whatever) but the vast majority of the time I am able to have the house clean, chores done, dinner made,and errands completed before DH comes home from work and we are able to avoid doing all of that on weekends. To me that is actually one of the "perks" of being a SAHM.
GOD you said it!! I would love to have a day to sit behind a desk!!!! being a stay at home mom is so much harder then anyone thinks!!!
we have to go have lunch with girlfriends or visit our mothers or we would talk to no one all day!!!! I go nuts and start talking to my self.
I have been on both sides and all I keep saying to my self is "the grass is always green on the other side" REALLY...when I was at work, I wanted to be at home and now I am home I some times wish I was at work.
Like the other ladies said, it's always greener on the other side. The whole working mom vs. the SAHM is a never-ending p*ssing contest.
The only thing that bothers me is that "we do it in 4 hours" comment. I was a working mom back in the day. Our house was rarely messy simply because no one was home during the day to mess it up. Come home, spend time together, eat a meal, spend more time together, kid in bed, clean up, go to bed, start it all over. These days, messes are made every 5 minutes, lol.
I think when negative comments are made in one direction or the other, the person who made it is feeling insecure in their own position. By putting down what you can't have (or chose not to do), you feel better about it. :::shrug:::
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
neither one is easy. they both have perks and downfalls.
stay true to your decision, it's a good one. other people are usually jealous of what you have or regret their decision in some way and can't admit it.
your child is better off with family than daycare no matter how good the care is. the socializing benefit of daycare can come in other ways.
hang in there!
Haters.
)
Hi!
I lurk on this board because I work full time now, but will be a SAHM during the summer.
What I can tell you, is that as a mom who (mostly) works outside of the home, I often feel pressure to justify my reasons for working. I get comments all the time about the things I am missing, germs my child is picking up, the time I will never get back, etc.
Whether you're at home FT, PT or whenever, being a mom is hard! The grass is never greener.
I'm sorry you felt hurt by those comments! Try to ignore them and know that WM's get crap, too!
I've been both. And no, you don't fit everything a SAHM does into a shorter timeframe. But you do fit in the laundry, meal planning, cooking, shoppingm cleaning, etc. into a shorter timeframe. The only thing you don't have to fit in is the actual childcare.
(However, i will say that a WM's home needs to be cleaned less often).
your child is better off with family than daycare no matter how good the care is. the socializing benefit of daycare can come in other ways.
I will have to respectfully disagree with this rather ignorant comment. While socialization can come in many forms, it is quite laughable to presume that one's child is better off with family than daycare. There are pros and cons of both situations. And both situations are usually drastically different.
I will have to disagree as well, and not respectfully
The whole point of a family is to be a family. Three of my kids have been in daycare at one time or another for a few different reasons so my comment is not ignorant of the pros and cons of daycare. They were in very good daycares but were getting a few mixed messages on behavior (i.e. the way we would like them to carry themselves, interract with others, etc) that were different than ours. Not saying bad or wrong. Just different. The socializing with children other than family members was the great benefit.
We contend that the families values are important to us and should be taught congruant to the whole family dynamic. They can then apply what we have taught them to the outside world. Core values will outlast the random peer pressure if taught consistently.
There...does that sound less ignorant...