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brideonjuly8
member
Deleted-- thanks!
brideonjuly8
member
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Deleted-- thanks!
Not the same problem as I don't stay home, but we would fight on the weekends and evenings about who did what and who cleaned more, etc. We ended up getting someone to come in twice a month and it did wonders for how we got along. However, your issue sounds more like he just isn't doing day to day stuff like cleaning up his own crap; you're not his mother, you're his wife. And while yes, you probably should take on a bit more since you are at home (I know that would be my expectation of DH and vice versa if one of us stayed home), you shouldn't be solely responsible for it all. He lives there and he's a grown-up. You need a break sometimes too.
I'm really sorry.
That would seriously drive me up the wall. Yes, you stay home, but your primary job is to care for your child, not to clean up after your husband. The fact that he works a lot is seriously no excuse. So do a lot of husbands (mine included) but he needs to respect that fact that YOU are working hard as well and don't need him making your job more difficult.
I'd be hiring the cleaner if I were in your situation (whether he likes it or not), and definitely considering the counseling if you feel it might help. The last thing you need is him making your job harder, and the silent treatment thing, imo, is not a kind or mature way to handle marital disagreements. Good luck.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
Honestly, I'd be more upset about the silent treatment than about the laziness around the house (although that would irk me to no end as well). Seriously, he gives you the silent treatment? That's so disrespectful. If he has a disagreement with you, then he needs to talk it through with you.
I think I'd:
a) Hire the cleaning lady. You deserve to be in a home that makes you happy and comfortable. If your husband's unwilling to help you achieve that, then he can get used to paying someone else to do it.
b) Call a marriage counselor. Adults don't give other adults the silent treatment. Especially spouses. It's no way to express love and respect and it needs to stop, but it'll probably take hearing it from a third party for him to get it.
So I have a lot of passive agressive ideas, since the direct approach doesn't seem to be working. I'd hire a maid to come every other week (best baby present ever from my dh). Get extra cash out of the ATM to pay them, then he can't tell you no.
Don't do his laundry. Pick up his dirty clothes and put them on his side of the bed, his side on the floor, or his closet (if you don't share). Or put them in a black plastic bag and hide them some where until he starts asking where his favorite shirt is and you can say that since he left it on the floor you thought it was an old rag and put it in the trash. Start stacking the left out cans/cups etc on his desk so he can see the actual volume. Pick up your stuff, leave his out until the house is a total disaster and he complains about it and you can say its all his crap and you don't know where it goes.
None of these are very mature, helpful suggestions but doing one or two might make you feel better at least.
You're going to LOL, but I totally did this.
I had the same problem you're describing. So for a month, I collected EVERYTHING that was left out, left on the floor, counter, etc (clothes, trash, shoes, etc) and put them in a box (a big box). When DH would look for x pair of shoes or x pair of pants, I would say I had no idea where they were. He would look mad for them. At the end of the month the huge box of all of his crap, I put in the back of his truck. As he drove down MoPac his stuff started flying out of the back of his truck. He called me and said "what did you put in the box in the back of my truck?!" I said, "all of YOUR stuff that you've left out for the past month!!!". To this day, he's a converted neat-freak.
Nothing like seeing your underware fly out of the back of your truck on MoPac to change a behavior.
Seriously, collect all of the crap, put it in a box for a week, put the box in his car, and let him deal with it.
I think my husband would say something similar about me
First of all, we hired someone to clean the house. It's too much for DH and I'm not willing to do it. So, I finally convinced him to try it and when she was about 1/2 way done he asked how often she was coming back.
I know you said you talked to him, but I would try again. My DH straight up asked me if I thought it was his responsibility to put my water bottles in the recycle bin. Of course it isn't, but I got in the habit of having 2 or 3 (ok, 5) on my nightstand and then they would magically disappear. It was pissing him off, and I just didn't notice it quickly enough. But he also asked me if I thought it was his responsibility to empty my trash. And I do. So I was honest about that and he was shocked. But it would frustrate me when he didn't do it in the same way it would frustrate him that I didn't take care of my bottles.
Bottom line, you need to know what he thinks is your responsibility and what is his. If he thinks your responsibility is cleaning up after everyone, then either you are willing to do it, you're not willing to do it, or you are only willing to do it if you can hire someone to help. My husband straight up told me he sees his responsibility as taking care of the kids, not the house. I didn't see it that way, so we had to recenter and figure out how things were going to be handled. But you can't assume you are on the same page without talking it over- it's just going to frustrate both of you.
Thankfully DH & I have separate closets, that was a great perk to our house. I stopped doing his laundry since I refuse to sort through all the clothes on the floor of his closet. I tell him I am willing to do his laundry if he either puts his stuff in the basket or if he separates it out for me when i'm doing my laundry. Generally neither happens, so he takes care of it himself. When I find miscellanous clothing, shoes, etc around the house, I just throw it in his closet for him to deal with.
Getting a maid to come once a month was great for us (twice a month when I was pg). DH finally saw how much stress it relieved for me to not feel so rushed to clean.
This. Except I'd do the counseling first, and you can raise the issue of the cleaning person there. I don't think it's fair to totally ignore what he's saying about the cleaners since it involves your finances. I'd be hotter-than-hell pissed if my DH did something like that specifically after I said no.
Bottom line is that he needs to act like an adult. Clean up after himself--you're his wife, not his mother--and cut the silent treatment bull!!
I agree w/ a lot of this. Here's what I would do:
1. Hire a maid if at all possible.
2. See a marriage counselor. (definitely)
3. Don't do his picking up for him. You're not his mother and he shouldn't expect you to pick up all his stuff for him. I know it's gonna be hard, but leave everything he sets down right where it is. Only clean up after yourself. Hopefully he'll begin to see exactly how messy he really is and begin to pick up after himself. It might take a counselor to help him see that. Good luck!!
That's seriously funny. And here I thought I was creative when I saved the Q-tips (that my DH got in the habit of leaving out every morning) and filled his shoes with them one morning before work. Your idea is much funnier.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
OMG. Seriously hahahaha OMG. GENIOUS.
Okay, but the problem here is if I leave just ONE thing out, he'll do the same to me, whether it was left out for an hour or a day. He's very immature and competitive like that. I think he thinks that because I'm NOT a neat freak and some of my stuff gets left out too, he does't have to clean up after himself. I have no doubt that if we went to counseling he would say I'm just as messy as he is. Which I can be when I get lazy and overwhelmed, but I'm the one that has to clean it up and I don't mind cleaning up my own mess, kwim?
You girls are awesome!!!! I need to take some tips. Instead I just pick it all up and don't ever say anything until I blow up. My DH is afterall just as anal as I am, unfortunately I get to it before he does since he works such long hours.
Oh....I have that husband too. When I complain about him leaving his stuff out, he says "Well you do it too." But of course the difference is that I'm cleaning up both mine & his!
i just want to say i feel what you're going through. so many things you said describe my dh too. especially leaving the empty cup thing. my dh will eat something, put the plate in the dishwasher but leave the fork in the sink or on the counter. drives.me.insane.
you've gotten some good advice, so i don't really have much to add. i'm pretty sure if we didn't have cleaning people, dh and i would be in fights constantly about it.
Yeah, you're absolutely right. Spending money when you've agreed not to is just as bad as giving your spouse the silent treatment. Good call.
OMG!!!!!! I LOVE THIS IDEA!
Bride - my husband is the biggest slob too, I could have written this post (only difference is that both my dh and I work). I honestly believe that it's not fair for men to just expect their wives, SAHM or not, to take care of everything in the house. You are right, just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you should have to do all of the cleaning, etc. You're a SAHM - not a SAH cleaner.
My DH and I have gotten into many fights about his lack of cleanliness. I finally made a cleaning schedule that he has been really sticking to because I got so sick of doing everything. It only takes him 10-15 minutes a day but that has made all of the difference. He still leaves all of his clothes on the floor - but I've noticed he picks them up a little more than he used to.
So sorry you're dealing with this.
Honestly, just try sitting down and saying that enough is enough. He's a big boy - it's not fair for you to have to clean up after him all the time. Stop doing it. Let your house turn into a mess - pile his crap up somewhere so he can see the messes he makes. Don't do the laundry for the clothes he leaves out.
When I have been overwhelmed with housework and no help from DH, a few things have helped. One, I get DH to do housework with me. I warn him ahead of time (like on Thursday) that I want him to help me with the house on Saturday. Then, as long as we divide chores and are working at the same time, we don't feel like one is doing more than the other, even though I do most of it. We will often work out a plan for the day, such as "first we will do XYZ in the house, then we will have lunch, then we will rake the yard together, and then we will shower together" (<--- because my DH likes "rewards," even if they are for doing things that he should do anyway). We have also sat down to discuss all of his household duties vs. mine and try our best to stick to them. For example, he takes out the trash and I have to put in a new bag. If one person cooks, the other cleans the dishes.
The second thing that has helped me was doing some things that "trained" DH. They are not always attractive, but they make it easier to deal on a daily basis and they are all easily moved when people are over. Some examples:
1. We have a hamper in our bathroom and it never gets used, so I put TWO in our bedroom. Then he has no excuse not to put his dirty clothes in the hamper.
2. My solution for kitchen trash was to get a nicer Simple Human trash can and have it out in the kitchen. I'd prefer to have the trash stowed away, but I'd rather have a trashcan out than have to deal with all of the trash constantly.
3. We have issues with paper clutter, so I got a nicer-looking paper shredder (with it's own bin) and a separate leather bin (with a lid) for paper recycling. I keep them right by the table where we put our mail. It makes it easy to shred and recycle mail as it comes.
Lastly, I have had honest conversations about how DH's reliance on me to do everything makes me feel. I have told him that I hate nagging him and that his treating me like I am his mother or housekeeper makes me feel really unsexy and disconnected from him - because I want to feel like we have a partnership in all aspects. I have told him that I am proud of him when he takes some responsibility in our household.
I am not sure how much of this is feasible with S. around, but I hope it helps. And if all else fails, hire a housekeeper and gush about how great it is even if you don't get the world's best cleaner on the first try. It's hard for my DH to grumble about spending $ on something that makes me really happy.
I totally agree with this. Wash what is in the hamper and that's it. If he asks why something isn't clean, you can easily say it was on the floor/bed/counter and you didn't know if it was clean or dirty and make your point.
Unfortunately, you just described me, not my DH. My DH works more than I do and then comes home and cleans up after me.
The best thing we've ever done for our marriage is hire a housekeeper. He still does the dishes and cleans the kitchen during the week, and I do the laundry (when I remember... I know, i am awful).
The only things we used to bicker about were things about picking up or cleaning the house. Now, we have a clean house and BLISS.
Ditto AustinMimi on the double laundry bins. We have one in our bathroom and 10 feet away in our bedroom- one is always within reach.
I've also had a trashcan show up in my closet next to my stack of tags, breast pad wrappers, etc.
Honestly, I think the cleaning is just a symptom of a bigger issue.
You have a job. It's at home with your son. If he worked from home, would he be expected to take on all of the housework? Or would he be responsible for his job duties?
I totally get taking on a larger role because you have more time at home. But it sounds like he thinks his only responsibility is to go to work and bring home the paycheck, while you handle all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
I'm sorry if that sounds really harsh. I just will never think a household where the load isn't shared is acceptable.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
blame his mama. that's what i do. :P she should have taught him to pick-up after himself.
i'm in the same boat as you. it really bothered me when we were first together/married. then i decided i wasn't going to clean his mess. i cleaned around it and left it for him to clean-up. but that method didn't work - all it did was make me get used to having a constantly messy house. and he just sees a mess - doesn't realize that it's HIS mess. feh.
Anyone remember my "cheese wrappers" rant lastyear?
I'm tempted to have my DH read this later. I had a huge blow-up lastweek about the same thing. I won't go as far as to say that DH is a slob, but I seriously feel like I wake up an hour early (and get to see him still sleeping) so that I can straighten the house before the kids and I start our day, and then I realize I'm just cleaning up after HIM. I've asked him nicely and it doesn't change, I get passive-aggressive and he freaks out, I get naggy and of course, that's no good either and I've even told him it hurts my feelings because it's disrespectful of him to assume that I'm going to clear his plate and utensils from the table. He came back with "it's ridiculous that you think I'm disrespecting you on purpose." I've also said I'm not raising my children that way. I don't think there is ever any reason for our room not to be clean. I don't care if the bed is made, but there shouldn't be crap all over the floor, the dresser and the nightstands. I've set out a laundry basket just for him and told him that I'm only washing the clothes in the basket. It sat empty for a couple of weeks and all of his crap was thrown all over the floor. I didn't give in. He ran out of underwear but didn't say anything because I'm sure he knew he was in the wrong. That same day I yelled at him for leaving some band-aid wrappers on the counter NEXT to the trashcan (DS likes to put band-aids on pretend ouchies right now). The knife sharpener thing was left on the counter NEXT to the knife block thing and he had thrown his fast-food cup and napkin in the sink with all the dishes. I cannot stand trash in the sink. After that he ran around cleaning up the house angry, loaded his stuff in the washer, put the rest in the laundry basket (which I had laundered and put away the same day) and he has been "good" for the past 2 weeks or so. I hate to say he's been good because that feels so condescending to me. But, I don't mind cleaning up after the kids or myself and I don't mind doing the majority of the cleaning around the house, but I'm not his mom and I shouldn't have to pick up after him. We don't have problems like this all of the time, but it definitely goes in cycles and appears every once in a while.
He feels that picking up the toys is important and I don't. I think picking up your own trash and having an otherwise clean house (aside from toys) is important. I could care less about some toys on the ground as long as the rest of the house, under and around the toys are clean. I guess I should make more of an effort with the toys since I know it bothers him, but I'm just too tired at the end of the day and the toys that are left out, are left out for a reason because we are usually going to play with the same train track, etc. the next day. I do make the kids clean up for a few minutes every night, so it's not like ALL the toys are still out.
I agree, I wouldn't hire a housecleaner because it sounds like you get the rest of the stuff done. A housecleaner won't be there to pick up cups/crap on a daily basis and would just cost you money. That money should be put toward working on the "silent treatment" issue because it is an issue.
I LOVE richardslove and mlf even more than I did before! You are awesome women!