Any advice? (Step)Grandparent Issue

jenbar

I have just entered my third trimester and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my little girl! However, recently some family issues have come up that I would like some "outsiders" opinions on. My goal is to make sure I  try to see the situaiton from all angles. Sorry if this is long!

My mother passed away when I was 16 (12 years ago).  My father remarried about 7 years ago and I am grateful he has found someone to spend his life with. I get along well with her, but have always considered her my father's wife, not my stepmother. I was an adult and had moved away by the time they got together and have never built a close relationship with her, nor have my brothers and sisters who were also grown and living on their own by the time they got married. My family, including my 10 year old nephew, has always called her by her first name "K". However, recently, she has begun referring to herself as grandma K. Even my nephew was caught a bit offguard by this, as he has always known her as K. With the upcoming birth of my baby, I feel as if K is trying to solidify her grandmother role and throwing it out there now. I find myself uncomfortable with this. I want my children to have the understanding that their grandmother, unfortunately, is no longer alive, but they have their grandfather and his wife to build a relationship with. I had this discussion with my father and he basically said he wished I would reconsider, that enough time had passed and he wished I could accept K as his wife- not my issue.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that K not take the official title as grandmother, especially since she has not up until this point and it has not been an issue? Is there a  better way to handle this?

Any advice/opinions are much appreciated. Again, sorry this post is longwinded!! 

 

briez01

I don't really have any advice but, Im going through almost the same situation.

My MIL is re-married to a man, that DH has never considered his "Step- father." He has always been "S" to us. He has grand Children and they Call her G-ba (grandma by association). All of a sudden MIL started calling him Grandpa S. DH and I can't stand it but we don't say anything because we dont want to p-off MIL.

DH and I will say things to DD like "S is funny isn't he." or "Is S making funny faces at you?" Just to try to see if they will fianlly catch on we don't want to call him "GRANDPA S"  So far its not working. lol

My dad and DH dad are Grandpa, Not S.

MelZull

I guess I am on the other side of things. A quick summary of my story. When I was 18 my parents divorced after my mom shocked us all by moving out. Five years ago my dad met an amazing woman and they have been married for 2 years now. We refer to her as Grandma Sandy, just like my Dad is Grandpa to all of SM biological grandkids and I refer to them as my nieces and nephews even though they are not blood related and we have only been a family for a few years now.  My mom is very much in the picture and she is also Grandma. This is something that never even seemed up for debate. Sandy may only be my Dads wife of a few years, but she is Grandma in every way. She loves my girls and treats them just like they were her own blood.

Fishie

Aren't these situations tough?!  My dad's mom passed away before I was born, and my grandpa remarried when I was 2.  My dad and his 4 siblings never considered his new wife as their stepmother, as they were all adults when he remarried.  We (the grandkids) never referred to his wife as grandma; she was just "Gerry".  Part of that was probably due to the fact that nobody in my dad's family ever really cared for her, and she really only wanted my grandpa to spend time with her grown kids and grandkids, rather than his own.  Good luck to you!

Jen748

MelZull:

I guess I am on the other side of things. A quick summary of my story. When I was 18 my parents divorced after my mom shocked us all by moving out. Five years ago my dad met an amazing woman and they have been married for 2 years now. We refer to her as Grandma Sandy, just like my Dad is Grandpa to all of SM biological grandkids and I refer to them as my nieces and nephews even though they are not blood related and we have only been a family for a few years now.  My mom is very much in the picture and she is also Grandma. This is something that never even seemed up for debate. Sandy may only be my Dads wife of a few years, but she is Grandma in every way. She loves my girls and treats them just like they were her own blood.

Very similar situation here...FIL and MIL divorced when DH was in high school...he cheated on her and it was not a happy time. Fast forward a few years...FIL meets a woman (not the affair lady) and they fall in love...get married, the usual. She is Gma Angie to Sammie and we don't make a distinction that she is just his wife...Sam just has an extra Gma!

MagieG

I don't have kids yet and my spouses and my parents are still married so I know that my thoughts might not be warranted here. However, I biologically only have my grandmas left but married a man with 3 sets of grandparents because of divorce. I believe you can never have too many grandparents. Just because your father's new wife wants to be Grandma K doesn't mean that your mother loses her role as Grandma even if she is not physically present. K may be having some feelings of not fufilling a life stage that many of us hope to have even if it is not through her biological daughter. I try to celebrate all of the grandmother's and grandfather's that have been present in my life. Good luck with your situation. I hope you can find a positive solution for you!