A ? from an IF girl...

thebeadinglady

Hi ladies, I hope it won't bother any of you that I came here to ask this question.

I have always wanted to adopt, even when I was single I always assumed I would adopt someday. Then I fell in love with my DH and told him my dreams of adopting. He told me back then that he wasn't sure that he would ever be ok with adoption b/c he was afraid he wouldn't love an adopted child as much as a bio child. He is also afraid his family wouldn't be as accepting of an adopted child. When we got married and started ttc I agreed to try for two years w/o even talking about adoption, and after two years we would talk about it and possibly see a therapist about it. It has been a year now, and I have been thinking about it more and more.  

My question is, were your DHs always on board with the adoption road? If not how to did you come to agree to go down this road?

TIA for any info and advice you can give me.

AuburnBride06

Hi Lady!     Actually, DH has ALWAYS been open to adoption. His Step-Father (who is more like his "real" father), had severe MFI. He and his ex-wife adopted, so DH has an adopted sister. DH's dad, who is a neurosurgeon in Honduras, adopted a baby girl who he had operated on. She had been abandoned. So he has 2 adopted sisters. And DH's best friend, who he roomed with his first year of college, was adopted as an infant. So DH has been around adoption quite a bit. He is very open to it and is really excited. I was actually the one that didn't think would be open to it. But, somehow, God did work on my heart, and as you know, I am really, really excited. I don't know if your DH will get to that point, but I hope he does!  Sorry, that's really not any advice or isight, but I wanted to share. I didn't think I had ever told you about DH being so open to adoption. He said that if we ever stay pregnant, we are not backing out of adoption. We will still try and adopt.   If adoption is for you guys, your DH will change. It will just happen, IMO.    But, I think you should still talk to him about it, and tell him that you want to be a parent, no matter what. And that in your heart, biology is not required. You just have to have lots of communication. And if you get to a point where you just can't deal with the IF treatment anymore, you need to tell him that.

Dr.Loretta

Nope, and I think you'll find a few more who will say the same.

DH was open to it in the abstract, but we never discussed it more than that. As having a bio child became less of a possibility, I came pretty quickly to the realization that I just wanted to be a mom, and didn't need to have a child come out of me to be one.

DH had a lot of concerns. How strong was his desire for a biological child? What was the adoption process like? Could we afford it? Would they poke and prod into our personal lives until nothing was sacred? How would our families feel? What if something went wrong?

It was a slow process--it took about a year. I read Adoption for Dummies and was really excited to share info, but DH saw it as "I want to do this NOW!" I backed off and let him noodle over it for a while, and when he was ready, we started attending informational seminars (mostly by phone or online). At that point his big fear was what the homestudy was like. We talked on the phone extensively with 2 agencies going through it step by step so he could get his answers. Then we were off and running.

It may take some time. But you need to be on the same page.

Good luck.

ksmeg78

My DH was not on board at first. I think the key is that with adoption you have to both be on board before you start and there is nothing you can really do to make another person want to do it. Which is hard, especially if you are a go-getter/goal-setter/type a like me. We spent probably a year kind of talking about it, but DH was not for it. And finally i told him that I loved him, that he was my first priority, but we had to decide for sure because the "will we, won't we" thing was just too hard for me emotionally. Not that we couldn't revisit in a few years, but I wanted to either start the adoption process or agree to not start it for a few years. He said we should both take a month to reflect and pray about it, which we did. He was totally confident at that time I would change my mind. I did not think I would change my mind, but I didn't think he would want to do it. But, and this may be too religious for some, we both think God changed his heart over the course of that month because he did a lot of research and praying and just completely decided he wanted to do it. But that change can't come from another person. He has been completely on board from that time, though his excitement looks way different than mine, so that at times has been a challenge for me to understand.

MainSt

My Dh was also not on board when I first brought it up.  All I asked was that he think about it for a coupld of months and then we would talk about it again.  Of course if he was still against it then that would be the end, I can understand that.  Lucky for us, he thought about it, asked questions, did some research and agreed to go ahead!!

I think the key is to give them time to think about it, no pressure. 

What about having him talk to some other men that have adopted?

GL!

ksmeg78

MainSt:

 

What about having him talk to some other men that have adopted?

 This is a good idea. My DH said he saw some espn documentary on maybe a football coach who adopted and was so blessed by it and that really helped my DH see it both as something people actually do  and something that can turn out very well for the father.

Alicia_22

k-statebride:

MainSt:

 

What about having him talk to some other men that have adopted?

 This is a good idea. My DH said he saw some espn documentary on maybe a football coach who adopted and was so blessed by it and that really helped my DH see it both as something people actually do  and something that can turn out very well for the father.

 Was the documentary on Coach Mark Richt from Georgia? My husband is a HUGE georgia fan ( as am I now! ) and I truly think seeing this documentary one day really helped move him along!!!!

My DH was also not completely on board at first. I talked about it every once in a while but tried to keep that to a minimum. Finally he decided that he was on board with adoption, but he wanted us to have another year together without children before we started the process. About 2 or 3 months later, he told me to go ahead and start the paperwork! If it's meant for you to adopt, he will come around. Just make sure you are both 100% committed before you start the process! While he was coming around, I researched a lot about adoption and ordered the Adoption for Dummies book which helped me learn a lot more about the process and helped me be prepared when we finally started!

ksmeg78

Alicia_22:

 Was the documentary on Coach Mark Richt from Georgia? My husband is a HUGE georgia fan ( as am I now! ) and I truly think seeing this documentary one day really helped move him along!!!!

Yes I am pretty sure that is the one! He was also in this Christian football movie we saw, which we didn't actually think was that great of a movie, but the fact that he was willing to be in I think made us think well of him and DH already knew of him and liked him anyhow.

str8ota

H and I had this discussion before we were married because I knew that I was high-risk (at the time we didn't realize how high) and that having children is very important to me but at the same time we didn't know if it would be a problem or not.  He was supportive though I don't think it was his 1st choice but when I had emergency surgery from an erupted ectopic that is when he was 100% on board if that's what it would take for us to have children.  I have noticed that since we have started this process he has been a little more laid-back, I know each time I'm pregnant he tried not to show it but I can tell how freaked out he is.

Amy720

DH was on board with it even before I was ready.  He would have went straight to it before even trying to conceive a bio. child.  He really wanted me not to try IVF because he was concerned for my health, but after the IUI's and the failed adoption, I just had to try it.  He was very patient and supported me through the 2 miscarriages that was a result of the IVF procedures, but was very glad when we stopped and went back to adoption.

Jermysgirl

We both have adoption in our families, so DH was on board from day one.  I would agree that he should talk to other adoptive dads to see how they feel.

Go_Dawgs

I have never really wanted to be pregnant.  I always assumed that one day I would be because I knew I wanted kids, but I have a lot of fears about pregnancy and childbirth, and just feel no desire to go through it.  I work quite a bit with kids in the foster system and I've seen so many people who have adopted or become guardians for a child they are not biologically related to, and these children are very loved.  So I've always felt that I will be very open for adoption if for some reason I can't have infertility issues.

We ended up moving on to adoption without even TTC.  We had two reasons.  One is because I can't get health insurance coverage with maternity benefits (long story, but I've exhausted all options).  I'm not willing to chance the financial risks of getting pregnant without maternity coverage.  Second, I started charting because I have PCOS and just wanted to learn more about my cycle before TTC.  Well, it turns out that I don't ovulate.  Maybe I could easily get pregnant just using a simple drug like Clomid, but without health insurance I'm not willing to even try. 

We're ready to start a family.  When I first brought adoption up to DH, he was open minded.  He definitely has some reservations, but the all day training we went to with a local agency answered so many of his questions and made him feel much more comfortable with adopting.  I think he would still prefer to have a bio child.  I honestly couldn't care less whether my child shares my genes.  While he wishes that TTC right now were a possibility, he also understands why I really don't feel a strong desire to be pregnant and am so comfortable with adoption.  I know my DH well, and know for certain that once he holds that baby in his arms, and especially once he or she is smiling or laughing at him, any question he has about biology mattering will go out the window that that child will have him wrapped around his or her little finger.

One thing I'm even very interested in is fostering to adopt, and my DH has been pretty adamant that he is not interested.  However, after our all day training with an agency, I was shocked when he told me that he actually feels conflicted about whether we should participate in the newborn program, or the program to adopt a child from foster care.  So the training really had an impact on him.  We decided that we will adopt an infant first, but would really like to adopt from foster care down the road.

I would see if your DH would be willing to go through training with an agency, and then see how he feels about adoption after that.

Go_Dawgs

Wow, I didn't realize I wrote an entire book.  I kept getting distracted with work and coming back every once in a while to type more, and I didn't know how lengthy it was getting.  Sorry for the novel

thebeadinglady

Thanks for all the replies ladies! I think I will try and seek out some adoptive dads for DH to talk to when the time comes. I wish you all luck on your journeys.

pepomntpat

My DH has always been on board with adoption once we got on board about having kids. He wasn't always sure about that.  It took talking, love, patiences, exposure to my adorable nieces and time for him to decide he was open to both.

WinWed

DH was totally NOT on board when we started. We talked about it on a weekend trip and it totally flipped him out. We hadn't really even wanted kids (either of us) so the subject was pretty amazing.

I have PCOS and am older than the average and I felt this was the only option for me. We actually talked about it for more than a year before he was on board. I think it's very important to have both be on board before you even start to meet with agencies.

Good luck with the discussions. They can be challenging but meaningful!

cindybaf

DH was the one who decided it was time to stop ttc. Although I am off the pill, he does not want me to go through fertility treatments and really would rather not be ttc at all. The day after my last miscarriage he said he blamed himself, and that he never wanted to put me through that again. His words were: I never want to put you through this again.

 It breaks my heart that he blames himself, but because of his feeling this way he has put no pressure on me to pursue biological children. And we got the peace we needed to start pursuing children through adoption. My 'need' for a biological child is not as strong as my need for a child.

lrrb

My DH is very very laid back.  In a good way.  Hes pretty much open to anything which is wonderful.  I think, just like any man, he had some reservations but all in all he was on board.  Plus he hated seeing me go through the pain of IF and so when we had our IVF m/c that was enough and he was 110% ready to move forward with adoption.  So we did.  I think guys are always harder to get in board.  Is there another family you know that has adopted a child that maybe your DH can talk to that man?  Sometimes they just need another male to give them that extra support that we just can't do as woman bc we think sooooo differently than them!

jsmithoregon

Well my DH was because even as we were dating I had endometriosis and PCOS and so the possibility was always there that I may never become pregnant when we try.  We havent tried yet but my doctor already told me I will have to start with Clomid right away instead of wasting time.  So I am very lucky.  I also always believed as a child I would foster children and even adopt, even as a teenager and in my twenties before I knew I may be IF. So God must have had it in his plan for me.