My story

Rachel2315

I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life.  In high school I had a very bad eating disorder.  I did recover and normalize my eating patterns but suffered from depression on and off through college.  I was somebody who hated medication so I would start a prescription and then end up going off of it when I felt better.

Leading up to TTC I quit taking anti depressants.  I was in a good place in my life and yes, I was still dysthmic but not truly depressed.  I had good days most of the time, but there was always kind of a haze on my happiness.  

I should add that I truly think I am a hypochondriac. I am obsessed with all things medical and if I hear of a disease, I think I have it.  If I have a pain, I immediately jump to worst case scenario.  I have a huge fear of death (as do most people) but that leads me to fear all disease.  As well as flying on airplanes (this is not significant, just  a fact about me).

We got pregnant fairly fast.  From the moment I saw those two lines I jumped to the worst possible scenario and googled everything about miscarriage rates, signs of miscarriage, etc.

Then I had a miscarriage.  Then I TTC right away and got KU right after my miscarriage.  Holy anxiety.  I thought about miscarriage constantly.  I didn't connect with my pregnancy at all, until 20 weeks.  Then I found he was a boy and fell in love with him.  From 20 weeks - 24 weeks (viability day) were the longest weeks of my life.  I had such a countdown to that magic 24 marker.  

Unfortunately, it didn't get better after week 24.  I was constantly thinking I had decreased movement from the baby, or that my water was leaking (it wasn't), or that I had a uterine infection.  I was a mess.  

After week 32, I started to feel a little less anxiety.  Until I got to be overdue.  Then a nestie passed away during/after childbirth and I, of course, assumed that the same thing would happen to me.  So I was so anxious about the birthing process b/c I was convinced one or both of us were doomed.

Things went fine.  I had a great birth experience. (Except for the OB turning off my epi so I could push med free, this was not in in my plan and made me want to slap him).

So, now, of course, I am consumed with PP anxiety related to my son.  I constantly am checking his breathing.  Or googling SIDs statistics.  Or reading SIDs stories (the internet is NOT My friend).  I have an angel care monitor.  I refuse to let DS sleep anywhere at night but our room.  I am basing our choice on daycare on the fact that the day care center (vs an in home) will not ever allow him to sleep on his stomach b/c they are afraid of SIDs related lawsuits.  I just bought some goofy mattress cover from New Zealand for chrissakes, b/c its supposedly helps decrease the chance of SIDs.  I know its illogical.  But a miscarriage at one point was my worst possible outcome, and it happened, so now I am terrified and think that if that can happen, so can SIDs.  

I am on Zoloft. I have Lorezapm to use PRN but I've never taken one.  (It is a comfort to have them around).  I do have some very good times when I can let myself breathe easier.  Then I read a story online or see something in the news and it sends me spiraling.  

So that's my story.  I am obsessed with SIDs and am terrified of losing my son.  Both my OB and my therapist are aware. 

sam19

I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing. Do you think your medication and therapy are helping your anxiety?

just_peachy

"haze over my happiness" is so accurate!

that's how i feel about a lot of things in my life.

Glad you found this board and pray for some relief for you and other soon