Toddlers: 24 Months+

Update to Mom involvement!

OK! So I sent DH my "poll" and he said I asked the wrong question lol

Because I just said T or T and didnt add that were going to a downtown Boo-gie Bash and she wants to come there with us also..(Its M's bday too and A's 1st halloween)..also she likes to come over and give them baths, or maybe go if we go to the park or 1st hair cuts (which we havent yet) she wants to go.  Even vacations.....

So how about these things???  Normal for 1st time grandparent or excessive?

Re: Update to Mom involvement!

  • I only post here sporadically but I had to respond. Your mom sounds like my MIL. My parents live 1.5 hours away and see DD 2-3 times a month depending on schedules. They are still married and have other things they like to do. My MIL has been a single mom since my DH and his bro were about 4 and 5. She is VERY involved in my BIL's family life and tries to be the same in ours but we have boundaries like, "no you cannot come over and clean our bathrooms but thank you". Since she is single and DH has a small family she gets invited to all of the events like ToT and stuff but she also knows her limits. We do not invite her everywhere because DH and I both feel as if there are things we as parents want to enjoy only.

    That being said, some grandparents feel the need to re-experience their children through their grandchildren. My parents go overboard at times, as does my MIL but for different reasons. I think my MIL's stems a lot out of loneliness and it sounds like your mom's may too. My DD is my MIL's 3rd grandchild, tho, which makes it a little easier on I can see where your mom's attention and need can get a lot annoying.

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  • I think that since it is DD#1's birthday that it makes sense.  the giving baths thing sounds a bit excessive, but the real question does it bother you and your DH? Obviously it bothers your DH, so maybe you need to just tell your mom to scale back a bit.

    Honestly though, my mom coming over to give DD a bath while I was able to relax sounds heavenly.

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  • I always WANT my mom there for those things, but we have a very close relationship.  She would never just invite herself, or expect me to invite her.. I just always do!  So your DH doesn't feel like she needs to be around for all of that or what?
  • What's the root of your H's real gripe here?  Because it's hard to fault a grandma for wanting to help out with her grandchildren and be a part of their lives.  So whatever he doesn't like about it is coming from some side effect of her involvement:

    Is it that he doesn't like having his MIL in his personal space so much? Understandable.  Would you want his mom with you on every special occasion?

    Is it that he doesn't like the influence he has on the children?  If so, why? What's his specific gripe?

    Is it that he's worried she takes too much of your attention away from him?  Could be that when she's around, you function in "daughter" mode instead of "wife" mode.

    Is it that he'd really like to spend time with his kids at these events, and when Grandma is around, they tend to be focused on her, not him?  My kids ADORE their grandmother and would much rather do stuff with her than with boring old Mom and Dad.  Sometimes we want them to ourselves for special events so that we don't get ditched by them!

    I'd try to get at the underlying issue here.  Maybe it can be resolved in a way that allows your mom to still be with the kids for special times, but addresses your H's real concern.

    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
  • ok so vacations maybe a bit much. I mean if my parents went on all our vacas I would get a little sick of them but having said that we have gone on vacations with my whole family. we spent a week at disneyland last year and r going again in december for aidens 3rd bday. is ur dh close to his parents? my dh thinks he is but they divorced when he was young and the family grew up split between wisconsin and texas. so I'df they talk a few times a year and see each other once a year that is his idea of close. I grew up with 15 cousins and family gatherings every weekend. we do everything together. my mom and I take aiden to elmo shows and such without dh and he is ok with that. he doesn't mind sharing holidays either. he knows its great for aiden to have nana around.
  • She sounds pretty normal for a grandparent to me. My mom & Mil like to be involved with our daughters too. I let them but I also have boundaries. Sometimes we like to do things as a family & would not like the additional company. They understand that.

    That being said, I do tend to complain more when it's my mil who wants to come to things oppose to my mom coming to things. 

    I think your mom wanted to hang on M's birthday & A's 1st halloween is completely normal. Why wouldn't she want to come? It sounds fun.

    I think her wanted to go on a family vacation is excessive unless you actually invited her. For that, I would tell her you want to vacay w/just your DH & girls. We have taken both..vacays alone w/the girls & vacays with a bunch of family. We never gone on vacay with just my mom or mil though.

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  • My situation is a LOT like goingbacktocali's.  My DH loves his family, but is fine with only seeing them a few times a year and talking on the phone about once a month.  I would say 90% of my family live close by and I have a big family.  My DH sometimes gets annoyed with my parents, but also realizes the benefits.  They pick DD up from daycare early about once a week and we have date night.  They never come over un-invited and I always ask DH if it is okay to invite my mom along for something or if it is okay if we take DD and do something without him.  He usually is fine with it as long as I ask and it is not last minute.

    Our compromise is that I can see my parents as much as I want as long as I don't expect him to come along every single time.  Most weekends we go over to my parents house on Saturday or Sunday afternoon without DH and he will come along about once a month.  It works for us. 

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  • OK so all great points! YES she is VERY lonely being single, even though I have a twin bro, I guess cause he's a boy and also single its not the same...I get that...I do wish thought he;d get it together so she could swoon over there a bit LOL

    I sat my mom down a while ago and told her she was suffocating us and she HAS really been respectful and backed off a lot.  The baths is becaues i take bath pics and she sees them and thinks it looks like so much fun.  Plus when she plays with them on the floor its just playing, but the park or the bathtub is like something different for her to do with them, kwim?? Different kind of fun...  My mom worked 3 jobs to support twins ALONE so she prob missed out on a lot!  She devours my kids and Im glad shes so close to them.'

    She's not a bad influence so its not that for him, and they prefer us to anyone anyday if were all in the same room so its not that either...I think its like a territorial thing I guess...He wants OUR space and theyre OUR events and WE should be able to enjoy them ALONE!  I get that also but you know if these little things like parks and baths make her happy then why not??

    I just hate always saying "Mind if I invite my Mom?" you know? Like when were doing something that I know she would LOVE to be apart of I always feel SO BAD to not include her....I also feel like this is my turn, she had her turn but mostly I dont mind.

  • She's not a bad influence so its not that for him, and they prefer us to anyone anyday if were all in the same room so its not that either...I think its like a territorial thing I guess...He wants OUR space and theyre OUR events and WE should be able to enjoy them ALONE!  I get that also but you know if these little things like parks and baths make her happy then why not??

    I didn't really think that she was going to be a bad influence -- I just put that possibility in there to cover all the bases.

    I really sympathize with your position in all this. 

    My parents would love to spend a ton of time with our family.  If I don't watch my mom like a hawk, she snaps up all my kids' "firsts".  Sometimes I'm like, "MOM- I would like to be the one to guide my firstborn DD's hand while she (insert big moment of choice here), okay?  You probably held my hand for my first time, being as I'm your oldest kid.  Now I'm the mom and you're the grandma, so move over and share!"

    She's 100% just being an enthusiastic Grandma, and not being a jerk in any way.  In DH's family it's different.  They are a close family, but not a "stop by all the time" family.  And they love my kids, but they're not all that into doing every little thing with them.  My mom would LOVE to ToT with us.  My MIL would LOVE to see the pictures and talk with the kids about it afterward.  So it's a difference in grandparenting style.  Of course, to my DH, his parents' way seems more the "norm" and my parents' way seems to be a little much.  I tend to see my parents' way as normal and his as a little detached.

    DH and I had a similar situation because my mom would stop by our house unannounced "to see the kids" about 2x a week (in addition to the 3 afternoons a week when she's here anyway to BABYSIT them!)  My DH hates this, even though he really gets along well with my mom.  Finally, I just had to tell her she was more than welcome to come by, but she needed to call first.  Doing this was one of the hardest things I've had to say to her, but it was good.  She got the message.

    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
  • Yes Neverblushed, we are on the SAME PAGE!!! ESP for DH's parents because these are Grand kids # 8 & 9, where as for my fam its #1 & 2!!  Its very hard to say those to my mom and have her NOT resent DH because I know she knows its not cause of me, u know?? So sometimes I kinda make it look like it is even though its not.  She "gets" it but still awkward.
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