We finally got a dx

bumpuser511563

DS was evaluated on Friday and he has pdd-nos. That was no surprise because I was prepared by reading books and articles and have come to accept the diagnosis.

I finally told DH the diagnosis. I did not tell him any of my suspicions and I had them for months. DH was quick to blame as to which side of the family it came from and I didn't really answer him on Friday. I told him that if he wants he can ask the psychologist that did the eval or our behavior therapist.The next worry he had was DS's schooling.

DH has been different towards DS like he is mad at DS.

Yesterday, I took DS to Target with me and DS was acting up. I decided to discipline a time out at home. DH straight out told me DS is stupid and would not know how to behave. It is like DH gave up on DS. DH did not eat dinner with us all weekend.

TIA

what??

If this post is true, I'm flabbergaste!  Your DH (I would delete the D here for darling as it seems there is nothing darling about him) called your son stupid!?  I think I would have had to take a metal frying pan right to his head!  I get the logic on why most men have a hard time dealing with this and can show their anger in so many ways.....but to call him stupid is appalling!!

bumpuser511563

My post is true and real. You are right, I should take out the "D" in DH. I knew H would get mad but I did not expect him to take it out on DS.

what??

I'm sorry that I was so rude and really didn't respond to your actual post.  First off, you're a great mom who got your son help so big cudos to you   I just saw "red" when I read your statement re DS.  I can only hope that you hubby will come around....sitting in on your son's therapy session may help.  Hopefully he is involved!  Good luck to you!

malcivar

First. {{hugs}} At least you were somewhat 'ready' for it.

Now, onto the subject of H.  Wow.  That's a bit extreme.  DH was angry at first and trying 8 ways from Sunday to find some way to make this my fault.  He even brought up my sister who is developmentally delayed.  It was the one and only time I've ever responded in kind, reminding him that he has ADHD and his brother has Aspergers so he wins in the 'stuff brought to the party' competition.  Once that was over, I let him work out his anger.  Thankfully he's come around.

Sometimes I notice an extreme sense of urgency when he's trying to get Chris to do something or learn something and he gets very frustrated and will be a little harsher than necessary with him.  I usually step in and then he takes it out on me - nothing too bad though.  It's just a little of that leftover anger/disappointment.  

I'm so sorry H is reacting so strongly right now.  I'll pray that he comes around.   

bumpuser511563

-auntie-:

I'm sorry for the dx and for your husband's reaction.

If he normally isn't a douchebag, try to give him a little slack. Men process this news differently than moms do. If you weren't open about your concerns, this is coming out of the blue for him. Many men are more out in the world and react with abject terror at the thought of their sons not having the full skill set needed to be independent. Often these same dads go uber protective on daughters because that's who dads react to their little girls.

Depression in men often looks like irritability, name calling, blaming and giving up. Make sure he gets the help he needs to cope if you can.

The blames game is a common reaction, too. DH and I played this for a long time; DH pointing at my flaky mother and me giving points to his crew for the rampent dyslexia they don't acknowledge and the late speech/special interest thing they all do. Bottom line, it takes two to tango and two to bring their unique blend of genetic quirks to that dance. Unless you seduced him for the sole purpose of creating a child with a developmental delay, he needs to get over himself.

One thing you can do is involve him in every eval and school meeting. Don't give him the excuse to remain ignorant by opting out of being a hands on parent.

Why didn't you leave DS with his dad and go to Target alone? Target's hard for little kids, harder for little kids with an ASD. It's one thing if you have no choice, but it sounds like you had a dad at home.

A time out at home for an infraction at target isn't likley to be successful in a preschooler on spectrum. This group lives in the here and now. Better to give clear expectation in the form of a Social Story (positive discipline/teaching) than be reactive with punishment at home. Has your behaviorist given you and your DH a behavior mod program designed for your DS?

DS had thrown a fit and wanted to sit in the basket part of the wagon. I told him he will not be allowed in the wagon and if he did he had to sit in the child seat on the cart. I even told him he is not suppose to act like that. I carried him until he decided he wanted to be in the wagon and was calm. I praised him for being good and bought him a toy car.

He then threw clothes from the hanging racks and shelves. He did not want to sit in his carseat when we were leaving.

We have behavior plans set with our behavior therapist and it is still a work in progress for tantrums. We are even trying to work on potty training.

bumpuser511563

-auntie-:

DS had thrown a fit and wanted to sit in the basket part of the wagon. I told him he will not be allowed in the wagon and if he did he had to sit in the child seat on the cart. I even told him he is not suppose to act like that. I carried him until he decided he wanted to be in the wagon and was calm. I praised him for being good and bought him a toy car.

A Social Story (with pictures) about how we behave at Target could be used before you leave for the store. Before. This is the critical part. Talk about where he rides, or if he walks holding your hand (whatever your expectations are) before you leave the house. Talk about how things are on display but we don't touch. Do this every stinkin' time he goes somewhere with you and his behavior should improve. Over time, if he's able to globalize with help, you can reduce your dialog to a code phrase that can be transfered to similar situations like the grocery store.

What a good idea!

bumpuser511563

Thank you, Auntie!

lite-bright

Ohhh boy. Not helpful. I'm sorry his reaction wasn't better.

At the same time, I can't help but think that you've had a lot of time to process if you've been doing reading, etc. and already come to accept the dx; and if you haven't said anything to your DH, this was probably a real blow for him. If he hasn't been part of the process at all or spoken to any of the professionals involved (which it sounds like he hasn't), he may not understand that a dx is part of getting services and there is help to be had; he may be feeling very helpless and is lashing out. It's not acceptable for him to be lashing out the way he is -- but it seems like he needs help, from you, from professionals, or both, to process this in a way that's healthier. 

Anger is one of the grieving stages. It sounds like your DH needs help refocusing that anger so it's not being taken out on you or your DS. Offer him some of the information you've found helpful. He could be a douche, I don't know -- or he may not know where to start and be feeling hopeless about DS's future. He may just need some space to process the dx before he's ready to jump into acceptance. It may come slowly over time. 

Getting a dx can be really overwhelming even if you think you're prepared for it. I'm sure it's even worse if you're not prepared for it at all.

Best of luck to all of you. The initial period after a dx can be very hard, IME.  

 

pastalady

First off I am sorry he is responding like that. He cannot think it could remotely be anyone's fault. If he does he is being an idiot

pastalady

pastalady:

First off I am sorry he is responding like that. He cannot think it could remotely be anyone's fault. If he does he is being an idiot

Sorry bump ate the rest of my reply. I was going to say I can understand being irrationally angry. I did look at DD different for a few days. Like my little girl had been replaced with this ASD little girl. I (hope) never took it out on her. DH told me to collect my *** and move on. I think I was going through the grieving process. DH has AS so he was prepared for the diagnosis and almost was happy. That pissed me off lol!

Give your DH a day or two to be angry (as long as he never takes it out on your DS). If he doesn't get over it, you need to have a long talk. I hope he comes around.