I'm totally out of control- sorry long

ladyphoto

Sorry for a long post, but I am lost.

I am 39 years old having my fourth child.  My first three were with my first husband and I am thrilled to have this child with my husband of two years.  He's 55 and we knew now or never- I love him very much and he is a good, decent man and I do believe is my soul mate, but I am having doubts and issues around him and my family.  I don't know how much is my crazy hormones and how much is reality.

My family:  they live 2000 miles away and all live near each other.  I have lived on teh East coast for the past 15 years.  It is always me doing all of teh traveling, spending all of the money, etc to se them- they never come here for any holidays, spend their money or vacation to see me, you get teh idea.  I sent them all an email the other day telling them how hurt I am about how one sided it all has been, and how I want them all to make me a priority as well.  Well, only my brother responded at all- and he didn't really get it, but at least he was sympathetic and tried.  My parents and sister didnt' even dinify my feelings with a single word.  I'm hurt and now I feel abandoned and like I have to start to let them go.  That makes me sad- I have always loved my family very much but am tired of how one sided it has always seemed.

My husband:  economy?  rough times?  Not sure.  He has been through three jobs in the past year and a half- these are very high level jobs that are difficult to get- he's smart, educated, and brilliant in what he does, but he is also bi-polar, and I am now worried the his lay offs have been personal and not business decisions.  I have no way to know for sure.

Here we are, expecting our first and only baby together- he is again out of work, we are about to begin foreclosing on our 8 acre farm where we live, both cars have been up for reposession, I have little to no money even to buy groceries.  I know he will find work again- he always does- but for how long?  I am tired of living this way... I'm depressed and really losing all hope.

I actually called adoption agencies the other day to get educated on that process- which made me cry like crazy because i want this baby!

I know you guys can't give me the answers, but I am really scared- I feel lost and out of control- and I feel alone- especially with the reaction my family gave me to my heartfelt email I sent out.  I'm totally devestated now.

any thoughts?

Rebecca

YaraC

Wow, Rebecca, I'm really sorry that you are going through all of this. That is a lot to be dealing with right now even without a little one on the way. You must have been feeling really desperate to have made that call. If you have insurance that covers any counseling, I think that might be a good idea to get some. Just to have someone to talk to about everything.

As for your family, I think all families have the people who do the traveling and those who won't. My sister lives 3000 miles away and has for about 15 years now. She came to visit me for the first time 2 years ago and hasn't been back. I've been there countless times. The same with DH's family, he has one brother who despite living only two hours away has never been to our home, even though DH has lived there for 13 years.  It's hurtful but I just don't think these people will ever get it.

Your financial situation is rough and I wish I had some answers for you. Do you work? Do you make enough that you could support yourself and your kids?  If you aren't able to keep your current home, can you find a place to live on your salary so that you aren't so dependent on your husband's salary for day to day and can use his future income to pay off debt. It may be a lower standard of living but perhaps a less stressful one. I don't know. I don't think there is an easy answer, I'm just really sorry for what you are going through.

We are always here to listen and hopefully some of these ladies will have better advice than I do. 

ladyphoto

Thanks Laura.

Yes I agree that there is just always one set that seems to travel more than the others- it seems you have lived through that same thing yourself.  It is very hurtful- and it was hard for me to finally accept- but I have now.  The reality is I am unwilling to be the only one, so, my only choice is to let distance fall between us- so be it- the road, planes, phones, and emails go two ways... but that was a harsh reality to accept for me.

My work?  I have my own photography studio and business.  Been in business for about 8 years- and while I have done very good in the past, my business is down 70% now due to the economy.  I'm an extra income type of business- first to fall in bad times- so I'm just waiting it out.  Unfortunately, I am not much help to hubby- in fact- basically, we've lost my income too- which makes it all worse.

We're trying to sell our house and downsize, but in this price bracket, good luck...that's why ultimately, we will probably lose all of our equity and go route of foreclosure- unless it sells first.

It's just hard.  I've always been a hard worker, ethical person, had nice things in life, etc, and I find myself at the worste financial state of my whole life at 39!  I just never expected it.

I do have insurance, and I agree, talking with someone is probably a good idea before I go crazy.

Thanks for listening

Rebecca

madladybride

Hello Rebecca,

  I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with Laura that you should try talking to someone. While you do have a lot of negative things going on that anyone in your situation would be worried about, your pregnancy hormones are probably adding to it all.

  Perhaps as a photographer, you could do some freelance work for a newspaper or university? I'm sure these markets are probably pretty hard to get into with the economy the way it is...

Also, what about taking a temp job to tide you over, or even teaching photography at a community college (either a for-credit class or a personal enrichment class)? If worse came to worse, you could try being seasonal help at a department or craft store. (At one point in my life, with a Master's degree from a respected university and job experience, I had to work two part-time jobs - one at Joann fabrics and another at a warehouse folding t-shirts. I needed to pay for my car and my insurance. It was a really good "life lesson" for me, but my pride took a hit.) While I realize that none of my suggestions are ideal, maybe they will help you ease your fears, or at least give you something positive to direct your energy towards.

 

Good luck and take care.

calico39

Rebecca,?

I'm very sorry you are dealing with so much stress with a baby on the way. I'll third the idea of counseling if it is available to you. It sounds like you REALLY need someone to talk to.

I have no idea on your husband's job losses. Many people are losing jobs these days. But there are also unfortunately prejudices against people with medical conditions. Is it possible he needs meds or an adjustment if he is already taking them?

I do know as far as the financial stress you are not alone. Many people in this economy are finding themselves struggling financially at 39, 49 or older. ??

I'm sorry your family was not more supportive. I think some families think it's the responsibility of the ?one who moved "away" to come back and visit. I understand it is hurtful. My mother has never been to my house, and I only live 200 miles away.( She doesn't like to drive on the interstate)?

?I don't have much to offer, but i wanted to say I sincerely hope that things get better for you soon.?