Need Advice... (long)

aj5oh00

Hi Ladies,

I need advice.  My husband is from Dayton and I'm from Cincinnati (about an hour apart).  After about a year of dating, my husband (when he was just my boyfriend) decided, on his own without talking to me about it, to move to Cincinnati.  He got his own apartment and I continued living with my parents.  One year later I decided to buy a house and asked him to buy it with me (we were still just dating).  We bought a house about two and half miles from where I grew up.  DH and I chose the house together and he never mentioned not wanting to live in Cincinnati.  Two months later we got engaged and were married 9 months after that. 

About a month after the wedding DH said that he'd like me to consider moving further north so he could be a bit closer to his family.  Keep in mind that in the two years we've lived here, his family has been here a grand total of three times.  We end up driving to Dayton about every other weekend, which I never complain about because family is important and I think we should visit as much as possible.  His mom, stepdad, brother & sister-in-law all have season tickets for the Bengals, so they're here every other weekend, and never even stop by and when we've asked them to have dinner or lunch, they say they don't have time.  I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea because we had both started careers in Cincinnati, we hadn't owned our house long enough to really have any equity and I didn't like the thought of living at least half an hour away from family in any direction.  He dropped the subject, saying he understood and just missed his family.  So, we started visiting more and I encouraged him to go up without me to spend time with his friends.  He even joined some intramural sports leagues in Dayton and started going up there one or two evenings a week. 

Then yesterday I came downstairs when I woke up and he just looks at me and goes "I'm miserable.  We have to move to West Chester (between Dayton & Cincinnati) or I'll never be happy."  How am I supposed to respond to that?  We're trying to have a baby and the thought of moving away from my entire family (my mom being one of my best friends) terrifies me.  What's more is he works about 10 minutes south of the city and I work downtown.  It takes us each about 20 minutes to get to work right now.  If we move, we'll have to travel I-75 and it will take us each 40 or 45 minutes to get to work.  It just seems impractical to me to move north so it's closer to visit his family on weekends but that we'd drive more each day for work and be completely isolated from friends and family. 

Am I crazy?  Am I being unreasonable?  Am I being selfish?  Every time I think about moving I start crying.  I don't want DH to be miserable but he also made the decision to move to Cincinnati in the first place and I don't feel like it's fair for him to expect to move now.  Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.  And be honest...

TIA

yodasmistress

We live in Mt. Airy.  My work is in Delhi.  My sister lives in Price Hill.  My husband's old job (he's currently unemployed) was in Blue Ash.  Several of our friends live in West Chester.  DH's family all lives in Anderson.  We are 20 to 40 minutes from everyone/everything.  We are "next door" to nothing.  We chose to live in Mt. Airy becuase of it's central location. 

If my DH's family lived in Dayton, and we spent a lot of time with them, there is a good possibility that we would live farther north, though probably not all the way in West Chester b/c there is no way in he!! I would drive 45 minutes to work every day.  (275 is actually faster than 75 for that commute in rush hour.)  

 All of that said, I think it is UTTERLY preposterous that your DH consented to buying a house where you currently are just a few years ago and now wants to move.  That seems very immature/ill planned to me.  And in this market, that will certainly have financial ramifications for you.  (Not to mention housing in West Chester is MUCH more expensive than on the south and west sides of the city.) 

psychmusetls

wow hon, that's a tough one!  i mean it doesn't seem to be unreasonable for YH to want to split the distance, but to move, and sell a house with the market the way it is, to not really cut much time from a drive to visit. . .it makes me think that YH is probably miserable about other things in his life.  He might be picking something to obsess about that he thinks he can control.  He could be having depression relating to TTTC, you may want to look into couples counseling.  DH and I went through a really rough patch where we were both obsessing over other things instead of focusing on what was really bothering us, and it almost drove us apart. but once we identified what the real problem was, we united, and are now a stronger couple than we've ever been.  We were HS sweethearts, went to college together, and were married 3 years ago.  It's tough.... but the two of you will figure things out.  ::hugs:: 

krissyh21

I think now in this economy, it is a horrible idea to think about selling a home, especially when you have not owned for very long. If the market is anything like it is where I am, you will end up owing more on the loan then what you can get for a house.

As for commuting, it is something not everyone is up for, espescially if wanting a family where time commuting takes away from valuble time with your children, which one day you WILL have, in the long run.

That said, it really is not fair for you to use the argument that you want to be close to your family, when he does not get to be close to his and is his reason for wanting to move. All other arguments are very resonable though.

Maybe see if you guys can work out a compromise somewhere where you can both be happy.  It is definitly hard, but in all honesty I am not sure 45 minutes is really a huge commute to visit people from time to time.

hawaii123

I think you need to compromise here...your H has tried to make it work and has been driving back and forth so he can be with his family because he wants YOU to be happy.  Unfortunately it just hasn't been enough for him.  I think its fair to move 1/2 way.  Being 1/2 hour from your mom isn't that far.

fallbride110406

We're in a similar but different situation.  All of our family lives in one general area about 45 minutes north of us.  Our best friends are about 45 minutes south of us and my husband right now only has a 15 minute drive to work (I don't work).  We've discussed moving closer to family but the major sticking point has always come back to two things:

We see our families about every other week/every 3 weeks.

My husband drives to work 5 days a week.

Taking those two things into consideration, it's just a bad idea to sacrifice a 15 minute commute to his job to be closer to family we see so infrequently.  The sheer impact on our bank account in just gas would be insane.  I sympathize with you completely and I think it's kind of a low blow for him to bring this up now when he moved to where you live now of his own free will only two years ago.  You will more than likely take a huge financial loss (selling a house with little to no equity, increased gas expenses, etc.) to move closer to family you only see every other weekend. 

Dr.Loretta

Call me crazy, but it sounds like somewhere in the middle might not be that hard, given that you keep your eyes open for jobs that would work that way.

An hour is no big deal to me, even to visit family on the weekends.

That being said, I hated living where we are, for quite a while. I had to suck it up and not talk about it with DH all the time. It's gotten better, it's still not ideal.

I think he needs to articulate WHY he is so miserable only an hour away from his family. That just sounds odd. I'm 3000 miles away from mine.

aj5oh00

Thanks ladies...you all make some really great points.  I think the most important thing is that we need to talk more.  It just really caught me off guard and I didn't know how to react.  I appreciate the honesty...you ladies are the best!