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Adoption
Anyone here with multiple miscarriages?
Normally I'm on the trouble TTC board but I've been thinking about adoption more and more. My background is I've had 5 miscarriages (3 at about 5-6 weeks, 2 chemicals) and I don't know how much longer I can fight this fight. I do have a wonderful 3 yo little boy that somehow made it. Im working with an RE, had a septum surgery and have lovenox on stand by for when/if I do get pregnant and have a decent beta. Part of me thinks since I've done it once, I can do it again if I just keep trying and get pregnant enough times. However it is taking it's toll on me and my family. I know I want a sibling for my son, and I want to get to experience another child as well. It's becoming less and less important to me that it's my biological child. Were any of you in my shoes? Are you at peace with your decision to adopt? Did you keep trying on your own as well? Just looking for some stories of hope I guess.... Thanks so much!
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Re: Anyone here with multiple miscarriages?
I've had two m/c's. Info in siggy. We've always wanted to adopt (my stepmother adopted me and my brother -- my biological mother died when I was 4), but our IF just moved our timeline up. We tried simultaneous treatments, but it honestly wasn't for us. Adoption is a different kind of stress, and we personally didn't deal well with it and treatment stress at the same time. I was 110% happier when we scrapped the treatments -- which both surprised and amazed me.
I would recommend finding a great counselor who specifically deals with IF/adoption issues and see them to sort out your feelings before you make a decision one way or another. Best of luck to you!
::raises hand::
I've had 3. At a certain point DH and I talked about a timeline for exploring other options besides fertility treatments, namely adoption. We adjusted the timeline a few times, but we got to a point where we both thought that was going to be a better option for us. It still took DH some time to get comfortable with the idea, but we are now firmly on board and nearing the end of our homestudy.
We are with an agency that wants us to focus on adoption and not fertility treatments, so we are not seeing a dr (we had stopped anyway), but if we happen to get pregnant on our own, we will adjust our plan accordingly.
ETA: We are very much at peace with our decision to adopt. I always said I don't have to have a child come out of me to be a mother. I think DH would love to have a child with his eyes or his nose, but after some discussion he knows deep down that our chances are very slim (1% chance to conceive, very high chance of another m/c) and that he really doesn't want me going through more m/c's. And not to slam the medical community, but we are DONE with REs. They really never seemed to be able to help us, and we started to feel like they were just bumbling along picking something from Column A and Column B in an attempt to circumvent the problem instead of trying to fix it.
I think many of us here share a similar story.
We went through years of treatments, failures, and losses. We've fully embraced adoption and do not miss the intrusion of medicine right now. We didn't try to prevent pregnancy until we were matched (our agency does not allow artificial twinning). In my gut, I knew from an early age that I would be an adoptive parent (I even did a high school research paper about Open Adoption -- uh 19 yrs ago). We just had to reach the same conclusion as a family first.
Best wishes and ask as many questions as you need. I would encourage you to seek counsel from those you love and trust as well as any professionals in your area.
::STANDS UP and Raises Hand:::
Me! I've had several chemical pregnancies, a handful at 6-8 weeks, a few more at 10 weeks- ish. The path of infertility was so hard, it consumed our lives from the inside out and was definatly an emotional rollar coaster. Not to say that adoption isn't, but the general emotions on TOP OF the additional hormones added to my system...ugh. After a few years of trying, and after discovering I had endometrosis in December, we threw in the towel.
We are at peace - most days, with our decision. Of course, you're going to think about a biological child (that's normal) but, we are okay! One thing, that I like, is that I can have sex whenever I want (ha!), and that I don't have the crazy hormones with all the medications and the zillion doctor appointments. My life went from crazy to manageable!
I know that several agencies for adoption will not let you "Try" on your own while you're in their program. So you might want to consider that.
Additionally, I would HIGHLY recommend you seeing a counselor just for a few sessions to work thorugh some of the feelings you're experiencing. When you start the adoption process, one of the FIRST questions they're going to ask you is how you worked through the loss of your miscarriages.
Good luck!
We tried fertility drugs and I had 2 miscarriages after our 2 FET. After the last one, I threw everything from the RE's office away and was done. I had no reservations about adoption (my brother was adopted) so we jumped right in. I'm totally at peace with our decision. We are also ok with Ben being an only child. Unless by some miracle, we will not get pregnant on our own and we spent over $90,000 on fertility treatments and the adoption and we didn't have to take out a loan. If we adopted again, we would and we are in a good financial siuation now.
I'm so sorry about your losses and I hope you find some peace and comfort in whatever decision you make.
I had 5 losses - all before 8 weeks. I also did the RE route with Lovenox, HCG and PIO injections - the whole bit.
After 5 losses, I was done. The hormone therapies made me a crazy person and the MC weren't helping. My DH was really at a loss about how to support me - nothing he did was enough to make up for the pain and it was hurting our marriage. I made a conscious decision to end treatments pretty soon after the last MC and haven't questioned my decision since. The RE offered IVF and some other stuff (surrogacy included), but I wasn't willing to subject myself to the meds again.
Realistically, and your RE may contradict me on this, the likelihood of carrying a pregnancy to term decreases with each susbequent MC. So after 5 losses, I wasn't confident that a term pregnancy was likely to occur - with or without intervention. DH and I discussed it at length - and decided we would rather be childless than to risk losing our marriage.
We took about a year off of thinking about babies/parenting and to process what we'd been through in the previous two years. We went on a trip to Europe and thought about what life would be like if we never became parents. After about a year, we realized we did still want to be parents - even though a biological child was highly unlikely. That was when we started looking into adoption more seriously. Eleven months later, we are homestudy approved and waiting for a placement.
I always tell people: infertility broke our hearts, but adoption healed them and gave us hope.
I have not had a miscarriage but my DH told me before we married that he could not have children.
I have two already I will tell you that after you go through the process and everything involved you could not love a biological child more than you would an adopted child that you have faught for. I love my kids dearly but I did not have to go through nearly the stuff that we are going through for DD.
Welcome, good luck on what ever you chose.
I have had two miscarriages and one stillborn baby at 28 weeks gestation. My husband and I have been considering adoption. We had planned on adopting in about 5 years, now this is just possibly moving up the time frame. We are still in the early stages of considering adoptions. We have attending and information session at the agency we would go through and got some great information. Because we have to wait until we have been married for 2 years to start the process we have until January start the adoption process. My husband and I have decided that if I am not pregnant by January then we will begin the adoption journey.
I am absolutely fine with adoption and completely at peace with it. All I really want is to be a mom and have a family. It really makes no difference to me how that comes about. Adoption or a biological child. I almost prefer adoption because I don't want to go through the stress of a pregnancy. My husband is a little less ready to give up on a biological child, although he is getting there.
Good luck and I am so sorry for all your losses.