Serious question: terminating BF rights/FI adopting

odear

I really have a serious question.  While this has been a topic in recent posts, this is not aimed at anyone in particular.  We have friends in this same situation.

Do the FIs who are so ready to jump in and adopt these children fully understand the potential ramifications of this?  We all like to think that when we get married it is forever, but clearly as many on this board know, it isn't always so.

Do these men understand that if he adopts the child and then you two get divorced somewhere down the line he is now be required to pay CS for that child? 

Our friends were married about 2 years ago and she has a DD from a previous marriage.  The BF has been largely absent, but is still "around", although he lives 1200 miles away.  There was all of this talk about new step-dad adopting DD, but his family sat him down and made sure he realized what it entailed, and that it was much more than just cutting soemeone out and making their own happy family.

fellesferie

It's a hard decision that has both benefits and consequences. Hopefully anyone thinking of adoption does realize the potential problems that could ensue. Not only is there the concern about divorce and child support, but if something happens to the biological parent, the adoptive parent is then responsible for raising that child to adulthood.

The biggest and most overriding concern that my husband and I have about my son (his stepson) is that if something were to happen to me, my child would be expected to live with his father who lives thousands of miles away whom he sees maybe 6 times a year. He'd lose everything he knows and loves. He'd have lost his mom, the man who is effectively his dad, and his grandparents who see him nearly every day. My son's biological father has no practical parenting skills and no real ability to take care of him. If I were to die, my exhusband would send my son to live with his parents, who while nice people, are quite frankly crazy. 

It's not about making a nice happy family where everyone has the last name. For us it's about taking steps to protect my son in the event I cannot. 

Karma1969

My DH's ex (Mom of my SS) has an older Son.  DH was prepared to adopt him since his father wasn't in his life and my DH loved the child so much.  He would have been ok with paying child support.  They ended up breaking up before all of this could go through and is ex decided to not allow the adoption to be finalized.

He still plays a big role in that child's life (who is now a teenager) and I encourage that.  I don't know him that well, but he would always be welcome in our home.  My DH will give him money for extra things and goes to all of his sporting events still.  That is one of teh reasons I love my DH!

hterry85

My (now ex) uncle adopted my cousin when he was a toddler. He was in high school by the time he and my aunt divorced, but I have to give the guy credit, it didn't change his relationship with him at all. He still treats him exactly the same as his bio child w my aunt. I was too young to know what they actually went though to do this, so I don't know how much thought was put into it. But you are right, in that it is a pretty serious decision people shouldn't just jump through. I'm sure not all cases turn out as well as it did for my cousin.

ScissorTailedFlycatcher

My DH's ex was adopted by her step-father when she was little. Her parents later got divorced and are now remarried to new spouses. Her adopted dad, with whom my DH and I get along with wonderfully, still sees her as his daughter. They had custody issues when she was in high school and completely stepped up to the plate. He views her children (my SD and SS) as his grandkids. The only other effect I can think of is that now my kids have 9 grandparents: [deep breath] my parents, DH's parents, ex's mom and her new hubby, adopted dad and his new wife, and ex's BF. Ex's BF came back into the picture when she was 20, so he sees the kids now, too. So with 9 grandparents, can you say, "SPOILED"? We didn't even by the kids Christmas presents for the last two years. Did they notice? Heck no.

angelnscrubs7

fellesferie:

 

The biggest and most overriding concern that my husband and I have about my son (his stepson) is that if something were to happen to me, my child would be expected to live with his father who lives thousands of miles away whom he sees maybe 6 times a year. He'd lose everything he knows and loves. He'd have lost his mom, the man who is effectively his dad, and his grandparents who see him nearly every day. My son's biological father has no practical parenting skills and no real ability to take care of him. If I were to die, my exhusband would send my son to live with his parents, who while nice people, are quite frankly crazy. 

It's not about making a nice happy family where everyone has the last name. For us it's about taking steps to protect my son in the event I cannot. 

 I completely agree with this.

 My DDs BF has been in and out (mostly out) of her life since we got divorced in 2001. He's only around when it's convenient for him, which it's not now because he lives 8 hours away. My DH and I have been talking about him adopting my DD long before we even got married. He has been more of a father to her in the last 3 years than her own BF has been since the divorce. She calls DH "dad", he's the one that goes to her sporting events and cheers her on, he's the one at school Open Houses, choir concerts, etc etc. His family is the one she considers her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. She's not seen any of her BFs family probably since before our divorce. I've been thinking more lately about the adoption because I have twins on the way in a few weeks, and the one thing I would hate, if something happened to me, is having my children torn apart. My DDs BF would move her 8 hours away, not be able to give her the life she deserves (he's a deadbeat who lives with/off of his mom), basically uproot her whole life because he knows it would spite me and my family. He would never put my DDs best interest first.