Can someone in the tact department assist me, please?

Brideofranken

um.

so my ma lives like, 1300 miles away. she is great, but overbearing. when she visits, she stays at our house, and she never likes to stay for less than 2 weeks. usually 2.5-3.

this is too effing long.

I love her, and we get along famously when we;re not in the same house 24/7, but she doesn't sleep, and my house is not that big. She is kind of rude- like in that she has to have freshly ground coffee, and she has to have it at 5-6 in the morning. If she forgets o grind the coffee the night before, she'll seriously do it right then (my kids sleep until at least 9:30, but not with a coffee grinder roaring at 5am...) She will go and "check on " my daughter from about 6am on, because she "might be up" she does this until she wakes her up.( I know it is because she loves my daughter, I know it isn't with foul intent...) She janks up our groove, and by the time she leaves, it takes us weeks to get back on.

these are just examples- she is not evil or "mean" just kind of oblivious and self involved. and never wrong. and aggressive with her opinions. ( ok, we're a lot alike, and that makes it HARD to be in the same space for very long with no breaks...plus she stresses me out so effing much with her CONSTANT NITPICKING that I take it out on the hubs and we fight...

I have mentioned to her before that maybe shorter visits would be healthier, since we seem to fight a lot when we're cooped up together like that, and that our house is just so small...etc...but to no avail. she is already planning another visit ( for 3+ weeks!!!!) and she was just here last month for 2)

She doesn't take hints, but she DOES take great offense to even the slightest hint of insult.

( here's an example: she took down my coat rack and replace dit with something bigger- she said it was b/c there was no room on it, and this one was better (there was no room on it because my father packed 4 coats and hung them all up. since they do not live here, and therefore we do not have 5-6 extra coats hanging all the time- we were fine with the one I JUST installed....( cute cast iron wall hanging swivelly hooks from anthropologie. which she replaced with some damn target rack...)

ok- so when I said what the hell- where is my coat rack?!? she got super upset because she was TRYINT TO HELP ME, and hers was so much better, and I don't like anything she ever does, and why does she bother?!?!

lady, I never asked for help redecorating my home. Do I come to yours and start tearing sh!t out of your walls, and re-arranging them according to how I feel it would better suit me?

nope.

 

so....that kind of person, is what I am dealing with.  For my sanity, please advise on what would be the best way to tell her one week is enough, without ripping her heart out and throwing it at her.

 

oh, and sorry for the extended length of this post! Thanks in advance. I can't believe its not butt hair.

Brideofranken

I want to include this, because it is funny enough to elaborate on, but still irrelevant:

my dad really DID bring 4 coats, and they were all EXACTLY the same coat, but in 4 different colors. 2 of the colors were blue. one was tan and one was green.

I sh!t you not.

vtgirl

Knowing what type of person your mom is, I would think she would likely take offense to the suggestion that she stay a shorter period of time, but you might just have to bite the bullet and tell her- one week!

I guess you could put it on the kids and explain how it gets them all out of routine, etc having guests there, but more than likely she will be slightly hurt, and hopefully get over it before her visit. I am sorry you are in such a tough spot!

emilykristene2006

I have anxiety issues... so that would be my excuse.

I would start by telling her that you have been sick with worry about talking to her about this. Tell her that you do not like to hurt her feelings but this conversation has been needing to happen. I would tell her that you realize you both like things a certain way, but it really stresses you when she tries to change the way you have done things in your home. When you are stressed you take it out on your family. Then just tell her things that really bother you.

GL with it. You could also just rent a room for you and let her stay with the kids!

femmegem

Oh, sweet BoF. I feel your pain in many ways (she types from the office in her parents' house). Adults just aren't meant to live with their parents, even for 3 weeks at a time.

I don't have any words of wisdom other than to just be frank but kind. It's hard. My mom is extremely passive-aggressive and tends to find insult in the most innocuous comments I make, so I could honestly use some help in the parental communication area myself.

ETA: One thing I always remind myself of when I deal with my mom is that I'm responsible for my own actions, not her reaction. I try to be as honest but kind as possible, and if she's offended, she's offended. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her.

Zenya

I'd just be honest.  SHe might be pissed off but that's OK. You're an adult and so is she. This is your home and you make the rules.

Brideofranken

will you tell her?

emilykristene2006

Give me her number. I'll do it!

Brideofranken

she does not care a lick for the whacking out of our schedule- she thinks my daughter should sleep with her b/c she doesn't see her enough ( I do not oblige this, but she really has NO respect for the personal habits or routine of others...when I confront her- did I mention she goes in the  guest room and cries, and wont come out until I go in and apologize and accept unto my shoulders a great guilt trip....sigh...can't wait.

Kapalua

femmegem:

ETA: One thing I always remind myself of when I deal with my mom is that I'm responsible for my own actions, not her reaction. I try to be as honest but kind as possible, and if she's offended, she's offended. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her.

this is brilliant advice...and something I should practice.  My mom gives me so much anxiety it's scary, and we too live far apart and they overstay their welcome.  So, I have nothing but empathy. 

Brideofranken

I just feel like I am constantly letting her down...I refused to attend my own graduation, I eloped, I had babies several states away...all of this kills her. but ffs.

 

SumnerBride

femmegem:

Oh, sweet BoF. I feel your pain in many ways (she types from the office in her parents' house). Adults just aren't meant to live with their parents, even for 3 weeks at a time.

I don't have any words of wisdom other than to just be frank but kind. It's hard. My mom is extremely passive-aggressive and tends to find insult in the most innocuous comments I make, so I could honestly use some help in the parental communication area myself.

ETA: One thing I always remind myself of when I deal with my mom is that I'm responsible for my own actions, not her reaction. I try to be as honest but kind as possible, and if she's offended, she's offended. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her.

This exactly.

Just be honest and kind.  Her response is her issue.

Brideofranken

so then you guys don't think I am supposed to just suck it up and wait it out? my husband thinks it would be too mean to just come out and say that 1 week visits are long enough...he thinks it is just our cross to bear...

Kapalua

Brideofranken:

I just feel like I am constantly letting her down...I refused to attend my own graduation, I eloped, I had babies several states away...all of this kills her. but ffs.

 

uhhh, maybe this is our issue...I did all these things, too!  Makes sense.

Zenya

Brideofranken:

she does not care a lick for the whacking out of our schedule- she thinks my daughter should sleep with her b/c she doesn't see her enough ( I do not oblige this, but she really has NO respect for the personal habits or routine of others...when I confront her- did I mention she goes in the  guest room and cries, and wont come out until I go in and apologize and accept unto my shoulders a great guilt trip....sigh...can't wait.

I totally agree with whoever (femmegen, I think) who said that you can't control her behavior.  I mean really - that is completely ridiculous.  Let her be childish.  Once her behavior stops working for her then she'll change it.

Your #1 responsibility now is your family (kids, DH).  Do what is best for them!

CubbyMama

(sympathetically) LMAO...the coat thing is classic!

Could you book some type of vacation/trip/etc. for a week after she's scheduled to arrive and let her know it can't be changed, and you guys will be leaving town on X date?  Or is it already arranged and she'd know you made it that way just to get rid of her?  I'm a chicken and I'd do something roundabout like that.

femmegem

Kapalua:

femmegem:

ETA: One thing I always remind myself of when I deal with my mom is that I'm responsible for my own actions, not her reaction. I try to be as honest but kind as possible, and if she's offended, she's offended. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her.

this is brilliant advice...and something I should practice.  My mom gives me so much anxiety it's scary, and we too live far apart and they overstay their welcome.  So, I have nothing but empathy. 

I'm not very good at it, to be perfectly honest with you, but I try. It's hard for me not to fall back into being passive aggressive when I'm around my mom.

femmegem

Kapalua:

femmegem:

ETA: One thing I always remind myself of when I deal with my mom is that I'm responsible for my own actions, not her reaction. I try to be as honest but kind as possible, and if she's offended, she's offended. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around her.

this is brilliant advice...and something I should practice.  My mom gives me so much anxiety it's scary, and we too live far apart and they overstay their welcome.  So, I have nothing but empathy. 

I'm not very good at it, to be perfectly honest with you, but I try. It's hard for me not to fall back into being passive aggressive when I'm around my mom.

Zenya

Brideofranken:

so then you guys don't think I am supposed to just suck it up and wait it out? my husband thinks it would be too mean to just come out and say that 1 week visits are long enough...he thinks it is just our cross to bear...

your dh is seriously OK with her visiting for that long?  That's crazy to me.  I wouldn't want anyone there for that length of time! 

Brideofranken

I actually suggested we go there- but then she needed to know exactly when b/c she would plan a trip before and after it so she "got enough" of the kids.

I decided I don't want to go there now- I thought it would prevent her from coming here, but NOPE

Brideofranken

Zenya:

Brideofranken:

so then you guys don't think I am supposed to just suck it up and wait it out? my husband thinks it would be too mean to just come out and say that 1 week visits are long enough...he thinks it is just our cross to bear...

your dh is seriously OK with her visiting for that long?  That's crazy to me.  I wouldn't want anyone there for that length of time! 

he works constantly and is verrrry laid back.

I also try to take her and the kids on outings so that he gets chill time when he IS around- then I get jealous and totally take it out on him...

Ciarrai

Don't give excuses or reasons.  Just say that you'd love to have her from June 20th through June 26th and does that work in her schedule?  If she says no or she wants other days, just say "ok, but we can only do XX through XX" and leave it at that.  She'll be pissed, but she'll get over it and you both will be happier with the shorter visit.

MommyofAlissa

Is there anyway of planning to go away and then spring it on her like "OMG, we just HAVE to go to such and such because X happened!" It doesn't help the problem in the long term but buys you more time to approach the subject.

cnybride2be

Brideofranken:

she does not care a lick for the whacking out of our schedule- she thinks my daughter should sleep with her b/c she doesn't see her enough ( I do not oblige this, but she really has NO respect for the personal habits or routine of others...when I confront her- did I mention she goes in the  guest room and cries, and wont come out until I go in and apologize and accept unto my shoulders a great guilt trip....sigh...can't wait.

sorry reading through these way late and i got nothing advice worthy but this part totally reminded me of the mom/mil on everybody loves raymond!

MarchMom06

Sister, I hear you. My ILs come for a minimum of 3 months (read that as 90 DAYS!!) due to visa issues & live with us. They are wonderful, but we don't speak fluently in our mutual languages, which causes major misunderstandings & frustrations.

I would love to say that I would do what femme does, but I'm a total sucker & don't handle that kind of thing well, even with my own mother. I usually just suck it up & deal.

kittycarr

They're your parents, they're not going to be around forever, just deal.  As bad as it sucks, the stories you just told, just deal.  You'll miss it all when it's gone.

XOXOXO