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Parenting after a Loss
dmsmth
member
please calm my fears: re fear of daycare
dmsmth
member
I have this horrible fear of daycare. I don't know what it is exactly. it could be because I was never in daycare and my mom was always home with me and my siblings, or the fact my coworkers son was put in daycare at 8 weeks and he has been sick soo many times; and I guess I worry I won't be there for all the firsts... First words, step etc. I don't want to miss it. Fear that somebody else will be raising my child, fear that hey will do something to hurt her; fear that all the other little heathens that are there whose parents don't give a dang and are horrible misbehaved will affect my child. I DO NOT want my child to act like that and I don't want there bad behavior to rub off on her (obviosly this is when she is older...)
Honestly, just the thought of daycare almost brings me to tears and is causing somewhat of anxiety for me.
What have you all done to help or any advice?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: please calm my fears: re fear of daycare
First off, step back and take a breath. As the parent of one of those heathens who is letting someone else raise their child, I can tell you that once you find a good quality daycare those things should not happen. Don't you know anyone else to talk to other than one coworker whose kids are in daycare so that you can get a more broad view?
Kids get sick, daycare or not. My sister was home with her twins for 18 months and they were sick. All. The. Time. And guess what? If your kid isn't sick as an infant, they will get sick sooner or later. And later is usually in kindergarten when they are around lots more children.
And don't kid yourself to think that daycare workers "raise" your child. Your children will know who their mother is. Sorry to come off as a snark, but I have almost reached my "Daycare = someone else raising your child" comment limit on this board.
I guess that it all comes down to the fact that if you really can't come to terms with the daycare thing, then you need to figure out a way to not do daycare. Do you have a family member or a friend who will watch your child? Can you manage on H's salary alone?
Ditto Yellowcar. DD enjoys going to daycare, but she's still jumping up and down screaming "My Mommy's here!" and running for her jacket as soon as she sees my car pull into the drive-way.
I had DD with me for almost 5 months (she came to work with me for a bit), it was hard to let her go be with someone else for 8 hours a day. But, she's a social girl and being around other kids was what she needed. Yes, she got sick a lot but she'd get sick at home too (if not then, she'd be really sick once she started school). But, I trust our daycare provider (she's in an in-home daycare setting right now) and she loves our daughter so it's a good situation for us.
When I say heathen I don't mean to come off horrible or anything. I'm pretty much talking about the parents whose kids are not disaplined at home thus they misbehave at daycare - ie: hit, spit, kick, talk back to the teacher etc. I know not every child will have parents that don't have a clue. And there will be a mix of good kids and misbehaving kids...
As for somebody else raising my child, well I'm not doing it, so somebody else is. And I'm sure alot of the uncertainty of that comes from me never being in daycare.
And No, I have NOBODY else who can watch her. As much as my parents would love to watch her they live 6 hours away. Dh's mom can only watch her one day a week because she works p/t; DH's step-mom, doesn't work but said she can't commit to watching her and both his dad and step-dad still work full time jobs. And we can't afford for me to cut out my whole salary. So my options are limited, daycare inhome or daycare in a center.
As for others who have kids in daycare, its my one friend/coworker, and one other girl whos youngest is 3y/o. Another whos daughter goes to an in-home lady she knows from someplace else. My other 2 friends have her dad watch her daughter and the other is a SAHM. So not too many examples of daycare.
And not to mention, I know 2 friends who worked in daycares and they complained about all the misbehaved children and all the kids whose parents didn't give a dang and were pretty much little heathens running amuck, misbehaving w/ no structure or guidlines. And when they would talk to tbhe parents about it they didn't care and thought there child was an angel.
DD#1 born June '09
DD#2 born April '11
TTC #3 as of July '14
I totally understand your fears and agree with them. I keep trying to figure out how I can work less but I think that would take a winning lottery ticket and I don't buy lottery tickets!
My advice is to find a place that you are totally comfortable with, that you agree with their style of discipline (because it will happen) and their educational approach and really, really like the people working there. And you may not find this on your first try - the longer your baby is in daycare, the more you will know what you are looking for. A lot of my friends have changed their daycare choices as their child has grown.
Visit a few daycares. I'm sure there are bad ones, but there are also nice, well-run ones where children spend their whole days in educational experiences that you can't provide for them at home while you're running errands, doing laundry, grocery shopping, etc. They have the opportunity to socialize with other children, and learn to be adaptable in dealing with several adults. They learn things like independent play, sharing, waiting their turn. They build up healthy immune systems.
To be honest, even if I had unlimited funds I would want my child to be in a daycare part-time or at least mommy-free play group situation. The friends I know whose kids are now older have kids who love "school" (daycare) and are really well-behaved and socialized. To be honest, the kids I know who are with one parent all the time seem *really* dependent on that parent. They need mommy to eat, and mommy to sleep, and mommy to play, and poor mommy never gets a break. I think you need to build in at least some mommy-free time for a child so that they love, trust, and depend on you but don't treat you like a walking security blanket.
ITA with PP. I have a three year old DS, and DD is almost 18 months. They are in daycare (actually a Mother's Day Out for five hours a day). They have never been sick outside of ear infections, which obviously is not germ related. DS has been at the same school since he was 10 months old, DD since she was three months. They love their teachers, their teachers love them. They are in a church based care and it's been so ideal for us, they are loved and cared for. When I had my d&c in December the director brought us food and kept sending me cards when things got complicated. Daycares are not bad.
They are with us, far more than they are at school, so I don't consider them to be "raised" by anyone other than us. I have never missed a first in almost four years.
As far as behavioral issues, I know badly behaved SAHM, home-schooled children too. They spit, kick, bite, talk back also. But honestly, it's not your place to worry about anyone else's child but your own. You can't control their behavior. There should be some rules in place at the daycare to avoid those situations that you are worried about. Time outs, that sort of thing.
I hope this doesn't come across too grumpy, because it's not intended that way. I think if you were to find a daycare that you are happy with, your fears will be put to rest.
Mama to Lewis Elijah-11/18/05
and Evangeline Mae - 12/06/07
and two angels 3/17/07 at 5w and 12/16/08 - 11w partial molar pregnancy with bonus chemo
Best Kind to Have-blog
No one else is raising my child. Her teacher cares for her in my absence but she does NOT raise her. I provide for her, I spend quality
As far as sickness, my pedi put it this way: kids immune systems have to be built up. That means that, at some point, they have to get sick. Either this happens when they are young and in day care or it happens when they are 4 or 5 and first attending kindergarten.
No one else is raising my child. Her teacher cares for her in my absence but she does NOT raise her. I provide for her, I spend quality
As far as sickness, my pedi put it this way: kids immune systems have to be built up. That means that, at some point, they have to get sick. Either this happens when they are young and in day care or it happens when they are 4 or 5 and first attending kindergarten.
timeD*mn it! I will re-do:
No one else is raising my child. Her teacher cares for her in my absence but she does NOT raise her. I provide for her, I spend quality time with her, I kiss boo boos, I bathe her, I cover her in kisses, I sing lullabies to her...I raise her. I also happen to work outside of the home.
As far as sickness, my pedi put it this way: kids immune systems have to be built up. That means that, at some point, they have to get sick. Either this happens when they are young and in day care or it happens when they are 4 or 5 and first attending kindergarten.
I'm with Dr.G...if I won the lottery, my child would still attend daycare. She may be there on a part time basis, but she would be there. Children need social interaction, children need authority figures other than mommy and daddy, children need educational opportunities. I'm not saying that a SAHM or SAHD cannot provide these things. If they can, then that is great! If they can't, then the child suffers (in my opinion).
My DD loves daycare. She is happy and content all day long, playing with other babies and surrounded by toys. But when myself or DH arrives at the end of the day, she knows who we are. She is so happy to see us.
Find a good, quality daycare that you trust. I trust mine 100%. Unless something drastic happens, DD will attend that center until she starts preschool. Once you find that type of place, you'll feel much better about the situation.
Ditto Dr. G and SuzP!
As much as I complain about Oliver getting sick so much this winter, I know I can only blame daycare in part for that. And it would happen eventually, once he's in school, and it does help their immune system.
I'm going to be a SAHM again starting in June for 2 years while we move to a different state for my husband's job. My biggest worry about this whole thing is taking Oliver out of daycare. He loves it. He has learned so much, and I know the social interaction has been invaluable. My biggest job as a SAHM will be providing him the same kind of stimulation he gets there. And that's a big job. I've got to find playgroups and other activities so that he continues to get that interaction (where, by the way, he'll probably be in contact with sick kids sometimes and get sick himself....it just happens).
Nobody else is raising your child. You are raising your child. But it takes a village. So think of your daycare provider as a partner, so if you pick a good one, that's just one more benefit of daycare. Pick a good one and nobody will hurt your child. You won't miss anything. And your child will always love you best. My favorite part of the day is seeing Oliver's face light up and his big smile and watching him run/crawl run towards me when he sees me come in the room.
Maybe I can offer a different angle. I've worked in two daycares in the past four years, both in infant rooms.?
The infant room teachers I worked with were the MOST caring in both centers. We loved those babies with all our hearts. They weren't just rooms of crying babies fighting for attention. We fed/changed the babies on schedules (but allowed room for the baby to change the schedule). We changed diapers every two hours and fed the babies on a schedule, too. We held the babies as they were fed and talked to them. I mastered the rock/bounce/pat and could calm any fussing baby in minutes. We listened to the parents and offered advice when they asked.
I loved the babies, but never felt I was raising them - I just took care of them (my job) while their moms were off at their jobs. Yes, once we got to the one/two year old rooms, there were some more difficult kids and some biting or other toddle adventures, but we worked through it. I believe the socialization was great for the kids and their language blossomed. They got bumps and fell, but it's a part of growing up.
If you get into the right center/home, daycare can be an extremely positive experience for you and your child. Good luck!?
I agree with Dr G on this. I work from home, but I am so excited to get Leo into preschool in a few years for this reason. I think when he's one I might start looking for some PT daycare too. However, I think when they are little babies, this amount of socialization is not that important - so I'm not sure this will make you feel any better. I think its just a very different situation when you have a newborn- and esp. since you are still pregnant, I think its hard to think about anyone else taking care of your baby. But like a lot of PP said- YOU are the mommy. And while its not daycare, I did just start leaving DS with a babysitter a few times a week and I can tell you that I have soooo much more energy for him afterwards and I think its helping his development to be around another caretaker. HTH.