Has anyone had to convince their Catholic husband to do IVF?

Lauren8433

Husband's sperm count is very low- I am fine- 31 yrs old and RE said that we need to do IUI bc of how low his sperm count is.

We did 1 IUI with a frozen bc he travels so much, we can't time it right with my OV. He was pretty ok with doing IUI but just thinks IVF is really messing with god's plan. I am not religious at all so this is hard for me to understand.

 Is there any things you said or found out in any research that can help me convince him that if we really want a baby, that IVF is ok?

 I realize this is a sensitive topic so please no rants- I am like everyone else here- just longing to be a mom.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

Married2003

Tell your DH...if IVF was not meant to be, god would not have given doctors the knowledge to perform it.

Good luck!

Sara Scissors

I am not Catholic, but my DH's family is.  He is not much into his faith, but his mother is big time.  We were really worried what her reaction would be.  She gave my DH the "why don't you keep trying naturally, it will happen" speech several times, but after some explanation of how IVF really works she seems to be more understanding.  We have to keep reminding her we've TTC for nearly two years now, natually, with Clomid/TI and four IUIs.  We're not getting any younger and we want a child.  As my DH explained to her, "it's exactly what happens inside a woman's body, just outside in a lab". 

I think especially with the recent OctoMom in the news, lots of people, Catholic or not have LOTS of misconceptions of what IVF is.  And think it's "bad" because of that.  Maybe he just needs some more information to see it's still in the end you and him coming together to make a baby.  In the end that is most important to us. 

PS--Not sure if you've read The Couple's Guide to IVF, but I would recommend it for you and him.  Great book! 

HTH!
Sara

iluvtom

I had 7 failed IUiI's. Dh had first agreed to 3 IUI's and then we would do IVF, Then there were a ton of excuses and I tried to explain that god made iVf to help people. he was not on board for a long time. It took 22 months TTC and now after IVF #1 we are pregnant and it is no longer an IVf issue. Please be patient and at least continue with IUI's and then maybe he will see if it does not work that IVF may be  a viable option. GL

cocojack10

We are still in the IUI stage, but when I've asked DH if IVF is our next step, he shuts it down b/c of the faith.  I'd be interested to see the responses.

pollykinz

I actually can relate to this a little, even though neither DH nor I are Catholic. He wasn't very happy about moving on to IUI last month, he doesn't think it's "natural". But he did agree to do 3 months of IUI just so I will know we did everything within our means to try for a baby. IVF is not an option for us, I have no IF coverage and all of this has been out of pocket and we've already spent thousands of dollars on this endeavor. He isn't happy about that either, I think he really believes it's not going to happen for us so he thinks we're just wasting money. I just had IUI #2 and I know that if this month is a bust again, next month will be our last chance. I agreed to give up after 3 tries with this, and quite honestly, mentally I think I need to even though I hate the thought of "giving up". The last 2 years have been so hard, and I'm really starting to believe that if it doesn't happen this month or next, that maybe it really isn't meant to be for us - for whatever reason. This is such a hard thing to deal with, and everyone handles it differently. If IVF is what you really want, I hope you can get your DH on the same page with you. Best of luck to you.

nrjf01

I am struggling with this isue right now.  My husband is Catholic, it is actually one of the things that I was very attracted to when we met.  I am also Catholic.  Before getting married we never discussed IVF.  In a way I wish we would have, because honestly this is a big issue for me.  But of course I had no idea at that time that I would have issues conceiving.

My DH is very much against it.  The whole it is not natural, not part of god's plan, what to do with left over embryos, and we are OOP.  We actually do have some money that could pay for it and I am very willing to change my job to get coverage.( I am a nurse and a couple of area hospitals to cover infertility.)  But I am  not going to go through the hassel of changing my job if he is against IVF.    

In the beginning he agreed to do IUIs, but is now giving me a hard time about it.  My dh is a pharma rep and deals with Doctors all day.  For the most part he thinks they are out to get your money.  Especially REs.  We have been with my RE for over a year and had to get our blood work done again for hiv, hep c, all the infectious diseases.  That set him off.  I need him to get it done before we can do this IUI, and he is dragging his feet.  He told me he would do it today. 

My DH has always come through for me in the past and he is a wonderful, awesome person.  I am hoping that with some time he will come around.  He is very much in favor of adoption and still very much feels that this will still happen naturally.  So at this point I am going to take this one day at a time and focus on the cycle that we are doing now. 

Sorry for the long response.  Hang in there!!!

ladychicago

we're catholic... and while we're not to the IVF stage yet, we've had that discussion.   and my BIL and SIL have been through IVF several times, so our catholic family is familiar with all of this.

in the end, for many of us, it comes down to respecting the embryos that are created (meaning not letting them be destroyed in the lab, but finding respectful ways to handle any frozen embryos left over from the IVF process that won't be used for future children).    and also realizing that while an embryo can be created in a lab, only God can create life (in fact someone here on TTTC said this and it really struck a cord with me).    even with perfect lab conditions and perfect embryos, there is no guarantee that you will become pregnant.   that's where i believe God's hand comes into play - creating and sustaining the life of those embryos in the womb.

however, this is still a struggle for dh and I, and I also would never want to be in a position to force my dh to do something he fundamentally wasn't comfortable with.   and that has been heartbreaking for me.   but i also don't want to go down that road unless both of us are on board 100%.    so good luck!    i hope your conversations go well.

berryblndgirl

I am going to be in the minority here because both DH and I have moral reservations about IVF. We are both Catholic, and I've read a lot of the church's teachings about IVF. I don't agree with everything the church has to say about IVF, but there are some things I do agree with. I don't have a problem with other people choosing to do IVF, but it's not something that either of us feel comfortable doing ourselves at this point.

I would suggest that you have along discussion about what exactly bothers your DH about IVF. Is it strictly because of the Catholic church's view on it, or does he himself have some moral reservations? What are those reservations? 

I think having a long talk with your doctor and a priest would also be a good idea.

If your DH is strongly opposed to IVF, I don't think you should try to convince him to do it. You both need to be on the same page. It is also possible that you maybe able to reach some sort of compromise by doing natural cycle IVF or minimal dose stimulation IVF.

aug5

My Dh is catholic.  We are moving on to IVF in June after 4 iuis.  It was not a decision either of us entered into lightly but it is a decision that we have decided is best for us.  We talked about what would happen if we had infertility problems before we got married, but who ever thinks it will happen to you.  We also talked before the IUIs but again who ever thinks they will get to IVF. Once the time came to discuss IVF with the doctor, neither my DH or I were ready to quit trying. 

The hardest part for myself is that my husband's family has let us know that they the IUIs in their opinion are against their church's teachings and so we have not discussed it any further with them.  My family could not be more supportive and is even helping us with money.  I feel bad for DH that he can't share this hard experience with his family.  

 I am very religious but not catholic.  My thought on ivf is God gives us a way to try to have a baby and that is a gift from him.  

 Hang in there.  

mvp12

DH and I are both Catholic.   Our next step is IUI, then IVF.  We discussed it and we are both fine with it. My mom (who will be helping us out bc we are OOP) is not really for it.  She is concerned about the extra embryos.  She says thinks that the all embryos created should all be transfered.  She also thinks its wrong to freeze embryos. I 100% disagree with her.  I am educating her on what actually occurs and the fact that they don't take 3 eggs, make them embryos than transfer them. She is coming around.  

Also, I explained to her that the Catholic church is against IUI and is even against using the masturbation technique for the SA. If you want to take it a step further, the Catholic church is also against birth control.

I believe with IVF you are helping to create life and not destroy it. I also plan on using the embryos created and freezing the extra ones.  If I don't want more children then i will donate to a couple that needs them.

jlcrane78

Can I just print this entire post and keep it for future reference?  My husband is not Catholic, but he is Christian and highly anti-IVF.  I am Christian and very much ok with IVF.  We've had a ton of discussions about it lately, and our interpretation of the "big picture" is vastly different.  He sees IVF as doctors trying to play God.  He can't see past what happens after the doctors have done all they can do in their role.  I see IVF as allowing doctors to facilitate the process but ultimately leaving it in God's hands whether or not it all works.  He refuses to accept his child being born in a petri dish.  I think there is so much more involved than where the egg is fertilized, and he needs to get beyond that.  I've encouraged him to listen to a doctor tell us more before he makes any concrete decisions, but he is not having it.  I'm having a difficult time with it because we are such opposites in our feelings.  I don't know if convincing him is possible, and it hurts to even think that I would go childless if that's what it came down to.

nrjf01

jlcrane, I am in the exact place that you are.  I think dealing with this only makes IF that much harder.  If we did IVF and it still did not work, it would make it easier for me to just except my infertility and move onto adoption, but not evening trying when we have come this far.  So very frusterating that DH are opposite in our views.  Again, I am going to try to just focus on the now and deal with this on a another day.