HELP-how to spend holidays with each our families now that we have a baby.

knottiec464dc2d3e7d9ecd

My bf and I are about to have a baby and I have all these important questions in my head which I want to make sure we are on the same page about. One of the questions/concerns I have is how to start spending holidays with our families now that we have a baby.
Usually I would spend holidays with my family and he would spend it with his family. But this time is different because we are literally about to start a family together.
So I asked him what are the plans when baby arrives, how are we going to manage the important holidays dates. His response was basically we do same as before and then he would pick up baby and take with him so he can go with his family and baby. That totally through me off. I find this totally ridiculous and I feel like this is what separated parents do. We are not married, pregnancy was unplanned, but still I think this is not right to do. I couldn’t hide my disappointment and i started crying and let him know that i think we should always stay together on these important dates since we are a starting a family now. We can take turns, example if we do Christmas with his family we do new years with mine. Or we go for a few hours with my fam and then go to his family. The main thing I want is to be together, not separated. He didn’t find it weird to do it his way, and that concerned me more. I told him that now we need to think about us because we are about to have a baby and we need to stay together. He says he wants to of course be with me and baby but he also wants to spend the holidays with his mom. This made me feel as if the fact we are having a baby is not priority enough for him. I am willing to sacrifice a holiday with my family to be with him and his family but i also need him to be willing to sacrifice that. After few minutes me crying and letting him know my concerns he said he has an idea and it’s for us to host the holidays and invite both our families. Which yes it’s a good idea but it doesn’t always have to be that way. We can shift holidays and so on, as well. I would like to know How do usually you manage this ??? Help!

j-redd222

For me, my husbands family lives far away and they aren’t very close anyway so we normally spend holidays with my family, however, my husband gets really sick of the constant travel (6 hours of drive time- 8-9 hours total with stops for the kids to get to my parents). He now wants to spend holidays at our home with our kids building our own traditions and whoever would like to join us more than welcome. Try our situation seems more like my sisters where her husband is really close to his family and they currently separate the holidays (thanksgiving with his family, Christmas with mine). They chose this because of my kids and my sister thinks Christmas is about the joy of children and there’s no kids on his side. Ultimately, they decided to host holidays and invite everyone to their house because they thought ahead to when they have kids and knew this wouldn’t be okay for his family at that time. 

If you don’t like hosting or don’t want to do it all the time I’d say that what your requesting is reasonable, splitting up the holidays so both families get time with you both and the baby is a great option if both of you are on board. I think what would be most jarring for me about his response (if I read it correctly) is that he said you could split holidays but he would take the baby. To me, if you’re going to do holidays separately, you should each split taking your child with you so both of your families can get to know him or her. If you don’t want to spend a holiday away from your child you are able to say directly that that’s not okay with you. If he wants so badly to spend time with his mother he can choose to do that on his own. 

I think this also depends on your intentions with the relationship moving forward as well. Having a baby prompts the questions of if you’ll be spending your lives together because children require coparenting for an extended period of time. Commitment to your relationship I think is really what may have been put into question by the response and that’s worth noting and searching a little further. 

I hope you guys work it out and have a beautiful family filled with wonderful holiday memories!

knottie1a03a0a2d456b0f6

To manage holidays with your new baby and both families, it's important to communicate and compromise. You can alternate holidays between families, like spending Christmas with one and New Year's with the other, or split the day so you visit both families. Hosting holidays and inviting both families is another good option. The key is to stay together as a family and make sure both of you feel heard and valued in the decision. Talk openly with your boyfriend about your feelings and find a solution that works for both of you and your new family.