Judgemental Mother

kp081922

Good morning,

I am 22 and married (my husband is 23, we've been together for 7 years). On a gut feeling, I took a test on Saturday, and have now tested positive 3 days in a row, and have an official doctors appointment tomorrow. This being said, I'm only 3 weeks 5 days, and am starting to stress about how to tell my very judgmental mother. She hates my husband and has spent the last 7 years trying to get rid of him. I graduate with my degree in two months, and I stopped birth control 2 weeks 6 days ago with the knowledge that this could happen, so this was in no way an accident, rather a happy surprise. While I'm scared to tell my father (who has clearly stated that he is not ready to be a grandpa yet because my younger siblings are 5 years old and 10 months old), the prospect of telling my mother absolutely terrifies me. This woman spent how long telling me that due to genetics, I would struggle to have kids, so I should start early, but that I can't get pregnant until she gets a basement under her house (in summer of 2024) so that the grandkids can use it. Do I just go out and say it, or do I try to slowly ease her into this?

Any advice is great, so far only my two sister-in-laws know, one of which has a 5 month old, and the other is 5 months pregnant.

emeraldcity603

You need to assess the health of this relationship. Anyone who inserts this much negativity in your life should have some serious boundaries. If you really want to tell, just do it, and when she starts spewing toxicity at you set a firm boundary and hold firm to it. The thought of a child being around someone who treats their parents like that is really upsetting to me. Think about how her behavior will affect your relationship with your child as they grow. I speak from experience here. It is not good. 

meggyme

Both your parents seem to have very shallow reasons for not wanting you to have kids. If they are serious about not wanting to be grandparents because of these reasons then I don’t think you need to involve them any further. They may feel overwhelmed with the idea so maybe plan to give them some time to adjust but if they are truly angry then I agree that you don’t need them in your life. I also would go into telling them with very low expectations around their ability to be involved.

stashattack

You don't need to tell them anything until you deem it necessary information in their lives. This is your decision to expand YOUR family. They don't get to decide when they get to become grandparents. I know people who hide the entire pregnancy until the baby arrives. IDK how feasible that is for you, but you have options. No one but you and your partner are entitled to that information TBH if that's what you want. 

I'm sorry you have a bad relationship with your parents. I get it. My parents and I have a rocky relationship too. Boundaries, while hard, are well worth it in the end for your mental sanity.

knottie8fff622237191426

You will make it. Don’t worry! The biggest thing right now is to focus on you and your BABY. Your baby is a blessing to you and your husband! Stress is a NO NO in the first trimester especially so hang in there, and be as stress free as possible. This is your life! I hope this helps.