Also, anyone else super frustrated with the “too big for normal jeans, not big enough for maternity” phase??? It’s a dead give away when I start dressing completely unlike myself, and pull out the ultra conservative Baptist homeschooler style skirt from way back in my wardrobe. I’m very upset about reliving those memories. 😂 I need better in-between clothes 😭
@annemarie96 yes girl!! Even leggings are too tight on me right now! I'm counting on baggie shirts to be my saving grace right now and keeping my pants unbuttoned and just pulling a ponytail through the button hole to allow them some give.
@annemarie96 Same!! Being in-between sizes this early is driving me nuts. I tried every pair of pants I own and exactly one pair still buttons... Gonna have to get creative for work clothes
@annemarie96 omg I've never heard anyone else say it, I love skirts but it's hard to find one that doesn't give me PTSD lol! I love dresses and %98 of my wardrobe is just dresses but everything I buy has to be checked for the "tired lifeless eyed conservative cult girl" vibes which is way too specific but I'm hyper aware of it since it was my life experience. That said I only wear Blanqi jeans and the postpartum jeans having a stretchy waistband would probably make them double as maternity jeans for quite a few months. I did just buy a ton of different styles of maternity underwear because when I lost weight this last postpartum I threw out all of the oversize stretchy things I had for my last pregnancy and waistbands are the death of me these days🤦🏻♀️ Have you tried a bellyband to give your old jeans a few more weeks of life?
@kalesix3 oh my god. Your in laws sound evil about your daughter 😞 So, I won't say I have a terrible relationship with my in laws, because outside of this I really don't have too many gripes. But this one thing drives me so batty. DHs grandma is very much a product of her times, and she herself didn't have any girls and I think is definitely trying to live vicariously through granddaughters. And part of why I'm terrified of having a girl is that maybe she would treat her differently than the boys and I would have to strangle her (joking..sorta). I couldn't give fewer effs personally about the sex of my children. But her disappointment at us having two sons, when she herself had two sons just made me feel so bad for DHs dad and uncle. Like what's wrong with your boys? Why do you love them so little? Ugh. It sucks so bad.
@annemarie96 right there with you! I'm pretty sure we're due date buddies and I look so pregnant, it's embarrassing. I've resorted to skirts as often as possible but it definitely tickles the catholic shame from my childhood lol.
@thescarletmom my mom was like that with boys, they were so special and so precious and she would get so enraged and angry whenever she'd have another girl, she had 6 girls and 4 boys including twin boys so she really should have been happy but she haaaaated girls and the in laws comments trigger me more than I should let them because I'm so hyper sensitive to people's needless gender disappointment and mistreatment of the "wrong" gender of kiddo, like that's how you screw kids up for life, it's abusive plain and simple. I'm sad for you having to witness that, there's a good chance the dynamic between your kids and how they were treated would get extremely unfair and weird it sounds like and I think that's such a depressing situation to be in as parents. The older generations need to get a life and stop acting like everyone is here to live their fantasies vicariously through. I want to start a revolution lol. I'm sick of it!
As crazy as my family is, you guys are making me really thankful they don’t prefer one sex over another and get mean. That is so abusive. 😭😭 I’ve been hesitant to buy anything like a belly band, and this might be my last pregnancy so I just don’t want to spend much money on things like that! I might ask around to borrow one!
@kalesix3 my mother prefers boys too. She would think I’m a horrible person to point it out to her (maybe she can’t handle the guilt) but she def treats boys with more patience, love and affection. She treats girls as an annoyance. Low patience. I haven’t told her I’m pregnant yet. Because I know she’s gonna say “let’s hope for a beautiful boy” or some BS like that!
My DHs grandma talks all day long about how our boys are so rough and tumble, noisy, messy, play with cars, gets into everything, etc and how *SIL* (DHs 11 yo sister and the golden child in her eyes) was never anything like that at all. Which is infuriating because 1) my boys aren't the way she makes them sound. They're just kids. They're also incredibly gentle and snuggly and sweet and love art. And 2) SIL is not some perfect prim and proper girl that never acts like a CHILD. And it's the comparison and insisting that there's any significant difference between the kids on that basis alone that just makes my blood boil.
@pregnantinthepnw I know exactly what you're talking about and it's so sad, I'm sorry you're in the same boat. I hope a miracle happens when you do tell her and she says something positive instead of toxic.
@thescarletmom I am enraged for you and I don't even know these people, it's just so wrong and abusive to treat kids that way. Besides I always think of non-binary and trans kids too, even if you were to have a girl, who's to say she'd actually be a girl down the road? Would family members just cut them off for not being the perfect female child? Idk I personally know several individuals who transitioned to be the gender their parents were disappointed that they weren't and it causes so much trauma.
@kalesix3 exaaaactly. My kids are boys now, but maybe they won't be in 10, 20, 30 years?
It sucks because she's really the ringleader of the whole thing and because it's such a big deal to her, MIL/FIL just go along with it passively. It stings a lot because my husband, her only grandchild for 16 years, just gets left in the dust of that because ever since SIL was born it's all "oh I never thought I'd get a granddaughter/she's so special" and she spends time baking cookies, and going out, and planting in the garden with her. All things my husband has told me she never did with him. When DS2 was born, she wanted a "4 generations" photo with DS2, DH, FIL and herself. She also INSISTED on pulling SIL in to the photo, even though it didnt make sense for the generations, but not DS1?? (he is not biologically my DHs, but we've been together since he first turned 1) They have NEVER left DS1 out of anything in that way before, and it was all because of her. Of course he was only 4 so he was busy playing and didn't notice any of it. But if anything like it ever happens again, I told my husband I would absolutely be starting a fight with his family (and he backed me up). Wow i know I'm really rambling on this topic, but it gets me so heated. While DH totally agrees with me, his dad is in kidney failure and he is a lot more sensitive to any criticism of him these days so I try to avoid rehashing it. I guess I had a big long rant I needed to get out lol.
So my new fave symptom is that I'll be really into eating something and then like mid way through the meal my body is like 'and, we're done '. Like immediate nausea and can't hardly finish the bite. It's so frustrating because I'll have made myself a whole meal and then like... almond crackers it is. Ugh.
@sunny_native14 oh my god same. My stomach has shrunk so significantly, it's so frustrating to know I'll be able to take 10 bites tops of any meal before I'm painfully, nauseatingly full. Even meals I absolutely love and am craving.
@thescarletmom no honestly I'm always the one with the largest amount of family trauma on my other groups and I feel like an outcast because of it, generational trauma is such a hard topic and nobody wants their family members to be toxic but the sad truth is I think many are. So it's honestly been so nice to chat about it, although I'm sad any of us can relate. It's tough. Plus rants are cathartic and we're all here for one another, let it out! I get so heated about it all too. I went no contact with my family 6 years ago and I don't look back because it's so important to me to break the chains and trauma. Once I did that I realized how many family dynamics are keep the status quo type situations. Nobody wants to be confrontational or the black sheep of the family but I don't have anything more to lose so I just call toxic as I see it. It makes the situation so much better when you have a partner who's got your back particularly when it's their side of the family. I'm glad you are both on good terms and don't hold back on taking a stand. Kids will always remember parents who went to bat for them and set hard boundaries with family members who would mistreat them. Nobody wants their babies to grow up without grandparents but it's worse to grow up with relatives who act like they're owed time and love while they contribute nothing besides more trauma.
On a completely different topic I am literally so motion sick today, simply taking a few steps makes my entire stomach churn and I've barely been able to keep anything down. I'm not sure what set me off lol but yikes on bikes.
@kalesix3 Man, I can definitely relate. My childhood was so bad and I’ve just been on this gradual road upward for the last few years, learning how to parent myself while starting to have kids. It’s so daunting sometimes.
My husband is so supportive of me figuring this all out with my family, and learning to set boundaries and everything. It makes all the difference!
I had a good childhood, but my husband has a completely different story. Trauma is no stranger here, and I’ll never look at you as an outcast! please always feel free to share your story if you want to ❤️
@annemarie96 oh gosh parenting yourself and healing your own mother or father wounds while showing up for your kiddos is so freaking hard. I have so much solidarity for that, and I just think about what kind of powerful example our generation can set by doing all that hard heavy work for our kids to see. And seriously a supportive partner truly helps so much! You've got this!
@maddmama 🥲 thank you that's so nice to hear! I love this mini rabbithole we've gone down here in a symptoms thread ❤️ I think everything feels heavier when you're pregnant with family issues, stress etc so having a supportive group you can open up to makes all the difference!
I'm definitely here for the generational cycle breaking! I'm a really private person (I'm working on the whole vulnerability thing) and don't usually talk too much about my family history, but I'll say that it's really nice to be in a space where we can talk openly about these things. I think re-parenting myself while actively breaking cycles of generational trauma in the way I raise my kids has got to be one of the hardest, but most rewarding things I've ever done. It's wonderful to have a group of supportive mamas who understand ❤️
@sunny_native14 that's how I feel too! Having babies really showed me how much more work I had to do and sometimes the reparenting feels neverending but if I can spare my kids even some of the same pain, then it's worth it! We're all in this together ❤️
Okay to avoid tagging 10 people, I'm just going to say I empathize with all of you who had bad experiences with your childhood or parents ❤️ it is so hard, and so isolating, and people will make excuses for your parents over and over and make you feel cruel for protecting yourself. My mom had an aneurysm when I was 7, and was never the same again. She became very emotionally manipulative and does not respect boundaries. My older siblings all don't have any relationship with her. My dad was a "regular" abusive, very violent person, but he died when I was 20. My husband and I go back and forth on cutting my mom out of our lives. He doesn't have a relationship with his mom at all and hasn't for 10+ years, only dad and step mom. So it's definitely a complicated relationship with family and I try to navigate it all delicately without letting anyone treat us poorly. I'm very soft hearted and generally believe people are good, and it might lend me to being more forgiving than I should be, but it doesn't stop me from setting boundaries so I'm okay with it this way for now.
The bloat bump is real right now at 6w 5d. Also awful indigestion and heart burn at bedtime. And needing some quiet time away from everyone so I'm here checking in while trying to get the dog to 💩
@thescarletmom it's a pet peeve of mine how society is so ridiculously attached to the notion of "family is forever" against all odds. I mean we all know the higher likelihood that abusers and molesters are family members and not random strangers but society refuses to acknowledge it. The worst person is obviously the one who leaves, which makes it so much harder for anyone to leave abusive toxic families. The opposition and judgement you get, internet strangers happy to tell you off in the drop of a hat, call you names and hate you for a decision you were backed into a corner to make, and the victim blaming mentality, it really burns me up. Like no kid wants to admit the people supposed to love them and care for them most in the world failed and abused them and it's even harder to walk away but some of us have no other choice and instead of applauding that, all people do is aim their own insecurities as weapons and hurl hate and insults. Boomers are the worst of it.
@kalesix3 I think deep down it comes from a place of fear and unwillingness to change their own potentially toxic behaviors. If people can just divorce their mothers and fathers, that means that 1) we no longer accept the idea that your parents are the Supreme Authority in your life forever and that they are fallible humans, which upends a lot of people's foundational ideas of family, and 2) that theoretically THEIR child could cut them off if they "aren't careful", which of course is something I think any parent would find incredibly painful. And these things are much too terrible concepts to wrap their minds around, especially for people who don't have shitty parents. It's really very sad, because it doesn't protect anyone but the manipulators and abusers to do this. I absolutely believe human beings are meant to live with close connections to their families and communities, but I don't think any rigid definition of these things is beneficial.
@kalesix3 I saw an interesting take on tik tok, of all places, that has had me really thinking. This poster said they think the reason boomers, in particular, perpetuate this idea that the abusive cycle is fine is because if they accept that it having been done to to you is wrong then they’ll have to grapple with the fact that it having been done to them was wrong too. Since they were raised with little in the way of teaching regarding emotional regulation skills they have no tool box with which to do that.
Obviously we shouldn’t make this our problem or let the cycle continue. It just really resonated with me where I’m at with my family. (I can’t entirely relate to this thread because, even though they did mess up, I know my parents were at least trying their best.) I’m working on forgiving my parents and loved ones for their flaws while continuing to maintain healthy boundaries.
@cassafrass123 I think I saw that same TikTok! It does really make sense and I'm glad it resonated. We can't make it our problem like you said or let the cycle continue but it's nice to dig into the insecurities behind the behavior to understand it better while not brushing it under the rug. Accountability is so important and that why I don't think the bar can't be magically lowered for older generations just because they're older, millennials have it way worse and yet somehow we're managing, we're figuring it out, we're breaking chains left and right and we were given zero tools to do that with either. But I definitely agree it's going to be hard to sit and grapple with how you were treated because of how your parents were treated, it's really messed up.
@thescarletmom bingo! I mean that's a big issue my in laws have always had with me, that I walked away from my own family so I was a bad influence on their precious son and I might manipulate him into doing the same, when in reality if anyone is cutting them off it's their own toxic garbage behavior. But it's easier to be rude and dismissive of me and my pain than it is to have a single ounce of self reflection and so they don't change. It really does feel like a divorce when you go NC with your parents.
@cassafrass123 exactly! To have to wrestle with the idea that their own parents made pretty bad mistakes, would be so counter to their lifelong deeply held beliefs, it would be too much. I know my mom personally has a very unhealthy dynamic with her "respect" for her parents. She's in her 60s and can't bring herself to ever disagree with them on anything. And of course, we can make mistakes as parents (because everyone does) and not be toxic or abusive, and I'm happy for you and your journey with forgiving your parents and accepting that they did their best. Forgiveness and mercy alongside boundaries is of course the happy medium when it's possible.
@kalesix3 right, it's the inability to be introspective and admit any wrong doing. It can be true that you hurt someone/made a mistake/did the wrong thing AND were trying your best. Unintentional harm still matters, and when you repeatedly ignore that it becomes intentional. I can only imagine how impossibly hard the journey has been for you. You can know you're doing the right thing, and still it's so hard and painful - because who WANTS to not have parents? My husband still struggles with his mom, and he hasn't seen or talked to her since he was 14. It's just a tragic thing to experience.
I'm late to the party and can't really add anything thar hasn't been said here. But my husband and I come from a line of trauma ourselves and especially him. I'm so proud with the boundaries he's learned to set with his mom and so grateful he takes my side when she is in the wrong! He basically raised himself and his mother believes everyone should be taking care of her now. She's delusional to say the least! I feel for all of you, as I've been in the same boat as well and am still learning how to advocate for myself when it comes to my family and the dysfunction behind it. You're all super strong and I'm glad soooo many are willing to break the chain and the cycle here, raising strong and confident babies who will know how to love and be loved in the future.
Re: Weekly Symptoms Thread 10/24
That said I only wear Blanqi jeans and the postpartum jeans having a stretchy waistband would probably make them double as maternity jeans for quite a few months. I did just buy a ton of different styles of maternity underwear because when I lost weight this last postpartum I threw out all of the oversize stretchy things I had for my last pregnancy and waistbands are the death of me these days🤦🏻♀️
Have you tried a bellyband to give your old jeans a few more weeks of life?
@annemarie96 right there with you! I'm pretty sure we're due date buddies and I look so pregnant, it's embarrassing. I've resorted to skirts as often as possible but it definitely tickles the catholic shame from my childhood lol.
I’ve been hesitant to buy anything like a belly band, and this might be my last pregnancy so I just don’t want to spend much money on things like that! I might ask around to borrow one!
@thescarletmom I am enraged for you and I don't even know these people, it's just so wrong and abusive to treat kids that way.
Besides I always think of non-binary and trans kids too, even if you were to have a girl, who's to say she'd actually be a girl down the road? Would family members just cut them off for not being the perfect female child? Idk I personally know several individuals who transitioned to be the gender their parents were disappointed that they weren't and it causes so much trauma.
It sucks because she's really the ringleader of the whole thing and because it's such a big deal to her, MIL/FIL just go along with it passively. It stings a lot because my husband, her only grandchild for 16 years, just gets left in the dust of that because ever since SIL was born it's all "oh I never thought I'd get a granddaughter/she's so special" and she spends time baking cookies, and going out, and planting in the garden with her. All things my husband has told me she never did with him. When DS2 was born, she wanted a "4 generations" photo with DS2, DH, FIL and herself. She also INSISTED on pulling SIL in to the photo, even though it didnt make sense for the generations, but not DS1?? (he is not biologically my DHs, but we've been together since he first turned 1) They have NEVER left DS1 out of anything in that way before, and it was all because of her. Of course he was only 4 so he was busy playing and didn't notice any of it. But if anything like it ever happens again, I told my husband I would absolutely be starting a fight with his family (and he backed me up). Wow i know I'm really rambling on this topic, but it gets me so heated. While DH totally agrees with me, his dad is in kidney failure and he is a lot more sensitive to any criticism of him these days so I try to avoid rehashing it. I guess I had a big long rant I needed to get out lol.
On a completely different topic I am literally so motion sick today, simply taking a few steps makes my entire stomach churn and I've barely been able to keep anything down. I'm not sure what set me off lol but yikes on bikes.
And seriously a supportive partner truly helps so much!
You've got this!
@maddmama 🥲 thank you that's so nice to hear! I love this mini rabbithole we've gone down here in a symptoms thread ❤️ I think everything feels heavier when you're pregnant with family issues, stress etc so having a supportive group you can open up to makes all the difference!
Obviously we shouldn’t make this our problem or let the cycle continue. It just really resonated with me where I’m at with my family. (I can’t entirely relate to this thread because, even though they did mess up, I know my parents were at least trying their best.) I’m working on forgiving my parents and loved ones for their flaws while continuing to maintain healthy boundaries.
@thescarletmom bingo! I mean that's a big issue my in laws have always had with me, that I walked away from my own family so I was a bad influence on their precious son and I might manipulate him into doing the same, when in reality if anyone is cutting them off it's their own toxic garbage behavior. But it's easier to be rude and dismissive of me and my pain than it is to have a single ounce of self reflection and so they don't change.
It really does feel like a divorce when you go NC with your parents.
@kalesix3 right, it's the inability to be introspective and admit any wrong doing. It can be true that you hurt someone/made a mistake/did the wrong thing AND were trying your best. Unintentional harm still matters, and when you repeatedly ignore that it becomes intentional. I can only imagine how impossibly hard the journey has been for you. You can know you're doing the right thing, and still it's so hard and painful - because who WANTS to not have parents? My husband still struggles with his mom, and he hasn't seen or talked to her since he was 14. It's just a tragic thing to experience.