"You're my Everything!! Why don't I feel connected to you?"

nicademus20

I suppose I can't tell this without something about the birth--I was a preeclampsia HELLP emergency c-section and I was put under for the birth. 
So I went to sleep pregnant and woke up with no memory of giving birth, and no baby. 
Around a day later when I was awake from being Super sleepy with the magnesium sulfate drip, I was wheeled to the NICU where my baby was. 
I hate that I have no memory of giving birth and having to be wheeled in and told "this one is yours". 
The way I could more assume it is mine is when it's arm fluttered the way I felt it do (or a leg) in the womb. 

Skip ahead some time and my body wasn't ready, I wasn't producing breastmilk and was in much more pain and immense stress as my body was working against me. Stress causes less breastmilk, I was trying to force my body into it, it wasn't happening=more stress. 
So we didn't breastfeed. Now, with regret and much heartache, there is a barrier called the bottle between us and I'll never feel 100% like a real mother. 

No memory of birth, coupled with no experience of breastfeeding, and we're off to a horrible start. 

Now, we're nearly 6 months in and I still have trouble saying "You're my baby and I feel like I'm bonded with you". 
What does that mean anyways?!
How we look at each other? 

Then, people say how he looks like his father. 
Doesn't really help me any, but I don't ruin them with my very hard time I'm having feeling like I have no real role in this but am a 100% caregiver. 

What is it like to be 100% a mother? 
How do you feel bonded with your baby? 

lilswed

I had a fairly traumatic birth - separated from my child, couldn’t breastfeed - I felt the same way - I’d look at her sometimes and feel so discouraged and disconnected. 

PP depression is a real thing and you went through a traumatic experience. I talked to my doctor, I went through counseling and dealt with the trauma, we worked through my definition of being a mother, I feel very bonded with my daughter now. I found people I could be real with and who supported me. I hope the same for you.