Feeling Rejected by Mother

jkport27

Hello everyone. I'm new here and I'm hoping to get some positive feedback. My husband and I miscarried our first pregnancy and we've struggled to concieve since (almost 2 years now). Needless to say, this experience has been nothing short of traumatic. Test after test, infertility drugs, failed IUI, trickle in some more bad news...I'm sure you get it.

Anyway, this post isn't about any test or procedure, it's about my mother. For the last several months I have found the space to provide her support as she struggles with tinnitus (multiple conversations a day.) During our conversations I usually kept her updated on where we stood with our infertility doctor or procedure...that's if I had any new information. So imagine my surprise when she cut me off from conversation because "my infertility talk was stressing her out and I just need to meditate and think positive thoughts." I feel rejected and invalidated. I'm feeling extremely resentful towards her and I hate that feeling. She's always been there for me, but not when I need her the most. Not to mention I'm a little peeved I allowed her to vent all those times, googled her condition, listened to testimonies to understand her struggle, only to end up here, without my moms support.

Needless to say, I just am frustrated that others truly don't understand what infertility is like. This is our lives. We eat certain ways, work out certain ways, live our life on standby,etc. Infertility isn't pretty so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to sugar coat my life just to make others feel better.

How are you all dealing with this?! Have you noticed people removing themselves from your life due to your struggles?

enaids

@jkport27 I'm so sorry you're going through that! Support systems are so crucial to a long journey with infertility. I really hope you can get back to a point where y'all are supporting each other through the difficult times ahead. I'm thinking about you during this tough time! 

For me, I had to get real with my mom at one point between our 4th unsuccessful IUI and starting IVF. She was always trying to downplay my concerns like "oh you won't have to do IVF because you're going to get pregnant naturally before then!" She was so overly positive about something that had been negative for over two years. I called her and asked her to listen to me about how she was making me feel. I told her that I was going to need her support when we got to doing IVF, and that when she always sugar coated everything that she was invalidating the intense anxiety, fear, and grieve that I've been experiencing throughout this process. I asked her to see things from my perspective, and empathize with my situation instead of only saying the pleasantry that made her feel better about it. I needed her to be uncomfortable in this with me. I had also previously written a long message to her and my sisters relating infertility to finding a partner. This is something that a lot more people could relate to and it really helped them empathize with this situation. Here's what I had written. Sorry it's long. 

---

Infertility is like...

You finally decide after being single for awhile that you're ready! You're ready to not be single anymore. You're ready to share your life with someone else for better or for worse. You're nervous but excited, and so it begins. 

You meet someone right away, and things get serious quickly. Two weeks in, you are in love. You bask in the hope you're feeling about the future. But two weeks later you're left with nothing but a note written in red that says, "Nope, try again." You've been dumped. You're not left with a reason why, just a simple "No".

You're a strong woman though so you briefly grieve, then you get right back out there ready to try again. You try different dating sites, you change your hair, you try different bars. You try it all. And every month it's the same result. It seems to end in a more excruciating breakup than the last. And each time the hope gets a little harder to find, the excitement gets replaced with frustration. You just want to love and to be loved. Your future feels like it's on hold until you find that someone. 

One month you finally get a proposal (like a positive pregnancy test). It's all you've been waiting for! You did it!...Finally. You can't wait to start telling people and planning all the things. But unfortunately ten days later you're left with another unexplained breakup. You are crushed to your core. You are no longer hopeful and excited about this future. You want to give up altogether, but you can't. You just can't. You try to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and put a smile on while the rest of the world keeps moving forward. But now your heart is guarded, angry, and defensive. It's hard to be excited for all your friends getting married. It's hard to want to put yourself out there again, but you must. You just must. 

And so you start the monthly dating cycle again. You aren't sure how to feel anymore, but emotions are overflowing. All you can think about is the future and how badly you want it to look a certain way. So you keep on trying, no matter how hard that breakup is every month. 

All the while you've got people telling you

Have you tried dating sites or smiling more? (Have you tried...🙄 having sex at different times of the month, taking a vacation, deep breaths, being spontaneous, Robitussin...) 

Maybe if you just work a little harder on yourself, then you'll find him (tell that to all the high school sweethearts and teenage moms 🤬)

Just be patient, he'll find you. Wait for him to come to you. (I'm sorry but finding a partner and getting pregnant are not always fall in your lap fairy tale kind of things🧚‍♀️)

Can't you just be okay with just you? Do you have to have a man? (Just no ❌)

None of this unsolicited advice is helpful. And it can't get you what you want faster whether that's a partner or a pregnancy. It's your own personal failure and rejection to bear, but it's also more than you can bear on your own. So you just hope that people will understand when you can't always be positive about it, that they'll listen when you want to talk about it, that they won't push when you can't talk about it without crying, and give you grace because who doesn't need a little grace. 

ttc3y

@jkport27 I’m so sorry your mother was unable to provide the support you wanted and needed. It’s heartbreaking when you find out that your parents are not emotionally capable to support you anymore. I went through a grieving process when I realized the emotional limitations of my parents (which happened way before I dealt with infertility). Sadly, they are human too and as much as we desire unconditional love from them, sometimes it’s just not there. 

Going through infertility can be a highly emotional process and I resorted to therapy to help me through. Counseling can help process through the difficult emotions and help you not off load on your mom who has reached her limit. I know you provide her with a lot of support too and I guess sometimes the give and take is not equal. Give what you can and take care of yourself. And know you are not alone in this journey.