April 2022 After Dark Thread

acleverusername

A place to share all of your "how to keep TTC sex fun" tips!

thankfullyamama

Omg I love this thread! We BD every day during the fertile window, so usually CD12-18/19 and schedule it which doesn’t sound sexy but it can be because it’s almost like I know it’s coming and I get to prepare and look forward to it! Because we work shift work and opposite at times we have to get super creative with timing but we always make it work! Then outside of the fertile window it’s completely no pressure/ spontaneous so it’s nice to have the mix up!

ejoseph16

So, AF is alive and well currently, and with my super long cycle that just ended, we were in a groove. I got a text this morning that he “needs sexual healing” and in exchange he would give me a foot rub tonight 😂😂😂 

acleverusername

@ejoseph16 did you give him the healing he was seeking? ;-) 

MH and I had to get pretty creative this past cycle because we were determined to make the most of it. Haha. We ended up doing it in the shower with romantic music and candlelight, on the dining room table (know this if I ever invite you over for dinner... it's our "sex table") and I also got him to watch "ethical porn" with me. Lol. I didn't even know there was such thing. And, H had never watched porn with anyone of his previous partners, so I think it's a win over all. We also had drunken sex on his bday and I gave him a hickey on his upper arm. LOOOOL. I feel like I'm in high school all over again (although I didn't start dating until my first year of college, so it's not an accurate comparison). 

acleverusername

Question: what do y'all do with your pets when you're DTD? My dog is pretty attached to us, so I always feel bad leaving her out of the bedroom. She ends up lying up against the door of the bedroom. But it feels weird to put her into her crate next to our bed. 

bearmomma1

@acleverusername our dog will be on his dog bed at the foot of our bed. He snores SO LOUDLY, so we usually have to turn the tv on for some other background noise 🤣
Edited to add: what is ethical porn?? 

mamafox14

@acleverusername oh my god we call my dog the worlds biggest c**kblock haha if we even kiss and he’s in the room he jumps between us and refuses to let anything happen haha. I send him out to the living room and give him a fresh bone to keep him busy for a while, it’s the only way. 

@bearmomma1 typically porn is defined as “ethical” when the actors are well compensated and protected so you know you aren’t watching anything where all parties are not there of their own free will and everyone is regularly tested, has proper workplace rights like any employee would. 

If anyone is an erotica fan my husband and I subscribe to audiodesires.com which is essentially “sexy stories” read out loud and can be a lot of fun if the visual aspect of porn isn’t your jam or if you just like some mood setting listening hehe

acleverusername

@mamafox14 you described ethical porn so much better than I could! Thanks for sharing the audiodesires link! I'll have to check it out. 

ejoseph16

@acleverusername omg our dog literally won’t leave us alone if he’s in our room while DTD, so we sneak upstairs and close the doors so he can’t come in. It makes it so we have to kind of plan ahead, but sometimes we just give one another a head nod, and at least 1 of us will get upstairs before our dog and close the doors, that way the other can go up casually. But usually our dog just stares at us like “oh no… not this again” when the doors are closed. 😂 and yes, he did get his “sexual healing” lol and I got my foot rub, as promised! 

mambo5-2

@acleverusername we kennel our dogs at night because they have a bad habit of eating things so they are fine. The cats however a jerks we have to kick them off the bed

caseys02

@acleverusername my Weim knows to leave as soon as SO gets undressed but my Great Dane is such a giant baby. We have to kick him out and lock the door otherwise it's like a third person on the bed. 

mrsmtothek

Anyone else's DH get SUPER duper cranky without sex? Like if we go 3 days without he is just visibly more pissy and irritable. At this point, being together for 13 years, you'd think I would anticipate this just to avoid unpleasantries but most times it occurs to me like a light bulb moment. "Oh yeah - we should probs have sex"  His mood is immediately remedied after DTD and he's like a whole new person.

mrsmtothek

@acleverusername Our doggo is the biggest creeper on the planet so half the time she winds up being within the vicinity. If I have an opportunity to shoo her away I will, but usually it just happens while she's around

kiki047

@ejoseph16 "sexual healing" bahaha. I love that. 
@mrsmtothek that would be me, except DH is a bit obtuse and won't clue in that maybe a lil nookie might cheer me up. I'll drop hints but most of the time I have to come right out and say it, to which he'll agree but only if we go to bed early so he's not too tired. *eyeroll* 
@acleverusername omg the dining room table. Girlll I have so many fantasies about that but MH is plain vanilla and I can barely even get him going on the couch or anywhere other than bed. Probably because then he can't just roll over and pass out And also we have a massive bay window in our dining room where you can basically see right into the house all the way to the back and the curtains close but they're still pretty sheer. Someday. Maybe. 

The cockblock pet talk is making me lolll. Y'all haven't been around long enough to be introduced to our dog "Humpy" (duly named so by dear TTGP alumni @shamrocandroll). He used to make regular appearances in the dailies when HIO actually mattered (not that it doesn't during IVF but now we do it for funsies without the pressure of timing) because not only is he a massive cockblock, he also wants to PARTICIPATE. Nothing like a roll in the hay with a third (hairy) party licking your feet or humping the pillow beside your head, or humping my leg/some other part of me and heavy breathing in my ear. He has massive separation anxiety so when we locked him out of the room he would scratch the paint off the door or howl, both of which stressed me out to the point of not wanting to continue. I will sometimes give him a bone or something else to chew on and then literally run to the bed and tell MH to start his engines because we only have X minutes to git'er done but Humpy can tell when the action starts because at that point he'll try to eat it too fast, likely choke on it and gag/throw up on the floor or worse, bring it into bed with us and try to lie so he's touching me while gnawing on his bone. Siiiiggghhh. I'm happy to say that he is much better in his old age and we got better at being quiet/trying not to bring attention to ourselves, and also having a pocket coil mattress helps when we don't jostle him if he's sleeping. 

I should also note that this was MH's dog that his ex-wife got when they started dating like 13 years ago and now they/we share custody of him, so in a way it's always kinda felt like she was in our bedroom and I really resented the dog for it even though I know it isn't his fault (or hers, but that's another story). I have a line item in FF for the times we have him and I can see how little we HIO when he's around. 

Our cats will sometimes lie in a corner of the bed and get pissy if we accidentally kick them or push them off the bed but they're not in the way. It's worse when they lie somewhere else and just watch. 

*Edited because I tagged Clever but never actually replied lol. 

anniemarie887

I am LOLing as well at this. Our cat is way more likely to awkwardly get on the bed. Years ago the dogs used to get upset, like we thought they thought MH was hurting me (he’s not!) and would bark/whine or try and jump on the bed. We did manage to break them of that habit, and they are often in our room - ignoring what’s going on. LOL

As for locations in the house, our townhouse made for better locations because it had limited windows. Our current home has far too many exposed windows on the main level. And I posted in the OU before I like my showers alone… so alas, our bedroom is mostly it. 

Maybe we should add a “where’s the wildest place you’ve had sex?” Question to the mix!

acleverusername

Gosh... this thread was such a good idea! Lol. 

thankfullyamama

@mrsmtothek lmao you’re definitely not the only one! My H has about a 3-4day capacity and gets cranky cranky without hahaha although he has never said this to me I def see the correlation!

mamafox14

@anniemarie887 the wildest place....ooh probably when we did it on the train tracks. my back hurts just thinking about it now hahahaha

anniemarie887

@mamafox14 OUCH!

kiki047

@mamafox14 whoa, train tracks?! How does that even work? 

I'm curious, how does everyone else feel about HIO when other people are in the house/nearby? I'm not talking about your kids in the next room, but when guests are over or if you're on vacation with others? 

MH initially was horrified at the idea but after we had to move in with our parents while our houses were for sale before we got our own place together, he got over that real quick. Now he thinks it's funny to intentionally try to seduce me at times like when we're at the cottage and my entire family (14 people) are downstairs playing cards and we're supposed to be changing out of swimsuits to get ready for dinner. I still can't tell if they can hear anything downstairs because the cottage is pretty creaky, but they also have loud music going all the time so I really doubt they could. That said, sometimes we're up there for a loong time, longer than it should take anybody to change out of a bathing suit, so I'm sure they suspect something. 

mrsmtothek

@mamafox14 +1 to all the questions about the train tracks, I feel like we need a story lol.

@kiki047 DH actually really gets off on this idea too. I'm not as crazy about it myself, but I know the secrecy, spontaneity, sneaking around bit is so thrilling to him that I indulge in it more. Sneaky sex > scheduled sex.

This one time DH and I were hanging out with his siblings watching a movie, and his totally innocent cuddling suddenly turned *not* so innocent halfway through the movie. We were on a separate couch, the lights were off and the movie was loud, so I'm hoping we were discreet...but I still feel weird/bad/dirty about this years later

tessiesmom26

@kiki047 We weren't ones to usually do it, but we have snuck away at a party to DTD in the bathroom in our late teens years. More recently we had to stay at my parents house during FW and ended up DTD at my parents as to not miss our window. 

DH and I DTD on a mini golf course about 10 years ago. A coworker and her H were challenging us to a "sneakiest" place contest and we won that one. It was late evening and there were people behind us on the course but we took advantage of the corner of the cave and a quicky lol. In my high school years my most risky time was in the back stock room at work with a coworker.  

gingermama29

@kiki047 last year my family vacation lined up with FW so we were HIO with 20 other people in the big house. My family knows we’ve been struggling with IF so I didn’t really care. We were quiet but some of my siblings knew what was going on as they happened to be in the next room over when we emerged from our room. 🤷‍♀️ They’ve been known to disappear or “take naps” and everyone is good with it. My family is also loud AF when we’re talking and playing games because there’s so many of us so I doubt anyone would’ve heard anything.

mamafox14

Okay the train tracks story…long before we were married my husband and I went to an outdoor music festival that took place in an industrial part of town. We were probably 18, had wayyyyyyyyyy too much to drink, and lost all shame/inhibitions haha. We just wandered off and got to business haha but I could still hear all the people so we obviously didn’t wander far 😂 

As far as sex with people in the house, I do what needs to be done haha. We had roommates for a long time so that was pretty normal and we’ve also been dating/sexing since we were sixteen and both still lived at home so we got used to being sneaky.

acleverusername

@mamafox14 OK, but... train tracks was the best place you found? Were these "live" tracks (still being used)? I mean, the inebriation is a good excuse I s'pose. 

Okay, so I told one story in the IF thread (this week's GTKY) but I've just remembered another, more naughty, story. Lol. Myself and 2 other girlfriends (well, actually one of them my sister), all went to Dominican for a "end of college" party trip. 2 of us were very single, and my sister had just met her now-common-law-husband. So she was being a real cockblocker. Me and the other friend on the other hand, lost all of our inhibitions. On our second night, we decided to drink all of the resort's dry of tequila. Bahahaha. We definitely succeeded in several of the smaller bars. Anyways, earlier that day, when we were at the pool, we met a few locals that were vacationing at the resort. Fast forward to the evening, when my friend and I are both quite drunk. In fact my friend proceeded to puke in our room (was sharing with my sister) and my sis was REALLY angry and ended up putting her to bed. In the meanwhile, I took off to the dance club, where the afore-mentioned locals were hanging out. There was a bit of dancing, and a bit of this and a bit of that, and I finally ended up in a linen supply closed with one of them. LOL. And I was on my period. Bahahaha. Wooops. Anywhoo.... he tried to add me to FB later, and I replied to him "what happens in Punta Cana, stays in Punta Cana." 

thankfullyamama

@acleverusername omg that sounds like so much fun! DH and I went to cancun together when we were in university still just dating and the all inclusive drinks sun and music made it hard to NOT want to get down and dirty often lol 

thankfullyamama

DH and I have been together since we were 15 so like we have A LOT of of wild sex stories because we both lived with our parents until we got married at 23! We both did have our own cars though and had two very embarrassing encounters lol

so one was when DH was dropping me off from his house to mine one night when we were like 16 and I had a very strict father who had very strict “have to be home by this time” rule and we decided to stop and have a quicky on the way in a parking lot that goes to like a hiking trail between our parents house. Well it was winter and we had a hot and STEAMY time and I was a little late for my curfew and so when my husband rolled up to my house his car windows were completely fogged up and my dad was standing outside on our porch waiting me me Lmaooo 

another was my DH had to get me from my parents house when we were like 22 and engaged to attend a family gathering at his parents house (he was driving so I could have a few drinks) and we decided to pull into a conservation land area that is quite deserted and get it on before the party but my husbands car battery died and we were stuck! He panicked and pushed his freaking car out of the conservation land area onto the main road and then called his uncle to come boost him. But the jig was up because there was no reason for us to be all the way where we were and it’s a known spot for young people to have sex at in my city lmao so when we finally got back to his house the whole family was there and making bad jokes lol I coped well with a few glasses of wine