SO Saturday 10/2

acleverusername

(Haven’t done one of these in a while so it’ll be good to have some of the recently joined members share.)

Let's hear it: how is your SO making you fall in love with them all over again, or making you want to plot their murder in gruesome details?

acleverusername

I'm gonna start cause I've got stuff on my mind. 

Today MH is like: I'm going to make you sausages and butternut squash on the BBQ (we've got a Big Green Egg... our big pandemic cooking appliance purchase). So, around quarter after 5, I'm like... it's probably a good idea to start the charcoals now. And he's like.. yeah, sure... we can eat on the early side. It'll probably take 40-45 min to cook everything. 

Okay, so then he does the same thing he's done before which is... light the OLD charcoal that were in the BBQ, instead of adding new charcoal. And so we're waiting, and waiting, and waiting for the BBQ to come to temp. After a while, he gives up and throws the butternut squash which I packed into a papillote into the oven because the BBQ isn't hot enough. But the sausages are basically pre-cooked, so those stay. 

Needless to say, it's currently 18:30 and we still haven't eaten, so no... we will not be eating on the early side. 

(P.S. I hid my frustration at him the best I could, but I did ask him why he did it that way... cause it's NOT THE FIRST TIME. And he's like "oh because otherwise the BBQ just fills up with coals. There were completely unburnt coals in there." And I'm like... "maybe it's because we have a very humid environment and the coals absorb a lot of water when they're just lying there. So maybe adding a few new ones to the pack will help burn the other ones." And he's like "maybe? I haven't figured it out yet." BUT DUDE... clearly the method you've tried before isn't working!!!!!!!!!!!)

inthewoods23

@acleverusername DH reuses the coals in our grill, but he ALWAYS adds new. Tell YH he's a dummy from me haha

pinkkillersheep

@acleverusername DH has learned that I get severely hangry and it’s in everyone’s best interest to eat at very regular intervals come heck or high water lol
I’ll share a rant from yesterday. As y’all know DH recently almost had to resign, and while I was glad for him that he got the outcome he was hoping for (keeping his current role through the end of the year), I was sad for myself that it means no change in how much he travels and how late he works into the night and on weekends. Literally the next day (yesterday) he forgets we have marriage counseling and doesn’t make it home in time from a day trip for work. This means he joined our virtual session WHILE STILL DRIVING until he could get off the highway and into a parking lot. I was so angry I didn’t even look at the screen the whole session. If nothing else it meant we had our marriage counselor there to moderate a real time argument haha. I know DH felt terrible about it so I was over it by the time he got home. But it was a timely example of how frustrating his work schedule is for me.
Feel like I need to balance this with some positive. We had a wonderful time at the art show today. I appreciate how supportive he was of making time for it today and getting artwork we loved.

acleverusername

@inthewoods23 thanks for understanding! I’ll deliver that message. 

@pinkkillersheep I also get somewhat hangry (although my sister inherited the real hangry gene) but MH knows that I like to be regular with my food. His thing is that he looses track of time like…. ALL the time. His favorite phrase is “I didn’t realize it was so late.” I think 80% of my frustrations with MH are due to him not realizing that it’s late and we should have food cooked by now. Argh! Anyways…

Yours is a much more valid issue. I’m sorry you had to go through that with YH. Did the therapist have some useful insights to offer during the “live fight”? Are you guys doing Gottman style counselling or Emotional Focused Therapy? Have you ever talked to YH about how him working late and deciding to stay at his job is making you feel?

pinkkillersheep

@acleverusername Gottman sounds like a name the counselor has said before so probably that one. DH and I hit a rough patch a few years ago and started seeing this counselor. It was so helpful that we just never stopped even once we worked through the more difficult parts of our relationship. It was good to have a safe space to get angry (we don’t argue often and very rarely get angry, which is actually a problem!) and have someone there to call balls and strikes, so to speak. Work and travel has been a constant source of pain for us, but it’s also not going to change substantially knowing where he wants his career to go. I’m pretty ambitious myself so I get it. He’s very supportive in other ways and our communication about everything has dramatically improved. 

acleverusername

If the term “four horsemen of apocalypse” means anything to you (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness) then it’s gottman for sure. It’s really great to hear that you kept at it once you worked through the rough patch. And also that YH cares about you/loves you enough to have gone in the first place. Lol… when we first started dating, I asked MH to come to therapy with me because I was recovering from a really bad relationship (we started dating less than 3 months after that ended) he said something like “why do I have to pay for the a$$hats that you’ve dated before” (he meant it very lightly / jokingly and didn’t use those exact words.)