TTCAL w/o 12/7

fitzfizz

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage, selective termination due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.** 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? 

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Questions?

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? 

fitzfizz

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. TFMR (genetic problem with 2-5% risk of recurrence) at 22 weeks June 2020, CP Nov 2020

Status: WTO but self benched and annoyed

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I’m generally annoyed with life. I hit the one year mark this month and have nothing to show for it. And now I’m having to miss another several months due to wanting to get  a COVID vaccine before getting pregnant. I fully realize this is a self imposed decision, but I’m annoyed that my life has reached this point. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No more testing to do. With the recent loss being so early there is nothing to test, but it is just unlikely that it is from the same genetic problem because it was so early. It is possible though, and that thought is making me nervous deep down. 

Questions? I combined several of the question prompts since I think they were asking the same thing and it got redundant. Thoughts on this format? 

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? I drink coffee for the necessity of caffeine, but I really enjoy flavored teas. There is a Twinnings spiced apple chai tea that has been my go-to comfort beverage for years. 

grogu

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. - 1 MMC in November. Officially 1 month out....

Status: TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? The 1 month mark is really messing with me but at least I have the TWW to distract me I guess? 

Looking forward to our staycation in 2 weeks.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? None. No testing since it was my first loss, just hoping it doesn't happen again.

Questions? None right now. 

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? Hot chocolate is my goto.

@fitzfizz I'm sorry you are feeling anxiety about the possibility for the same genetic issues. I can completely understand those anxieties though. I feel like the not knowing what was wrong is worse than knowing.

I hope you can get the vaccine soon so you can start TTC again asap

pickle-chips

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: One loss at 7 weeks in October 2020.

Status: TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I don't actually know. I was feeling up to trying this cycle, excited even, but now that we are into the TWW I feel a lot of what-ifs and negative talk bubbling up. I keep flip-flopping between Rational Picklechips and Emotional Picklechips...there's no in-between, which is kind of exhausting.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope.

Questions? NATM. I think the idea of combining the how are things/what are you struggling with/what's going well prompt is good. The few times I posted I found they overlapped. 

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? Hot chocolate, tea (earl grey) or hot apple cider, which I guess is just a list of all the hot drinks... @fitzfizz I feel you on the coffee/caffeine front! It's just part of my routine year round, so I don't really thing anything of it. 

@fitzfizz fingers crossed you are able to get the COVID vaccine as soon as possible! Any sense of what timing could look like? It supposedly will be available in the new year here in Canada, but will be going to a priority list of most vulnerable populations first (front-line healthcare workers, seniors, etc.). I'm happy to wait my turn, but looking forward to widespread availability. 

@baby_yoda1986 I am sorry that the one month milestone has been messing with you. What are you plans for your staycation?? Hopefully looking forward to that adds to the TWW distraction!

grogu

@pickle-chips We rented a cabin in the middle of no where on the ocean. I am so excited. I don't feel like pretending everything is okay around my out-laws. 
We just happened to get decent timing this cycle, but I agree with you on the what-ifs etc. I want to be pregnant so badly but I am also terrified of PGAL brain with my severe anxiety.

bumblebee0210

@fitzfizz Sorry you're having a hard time. The one-year mark is a shitty milestone. And I totally understand your choice re:vaccine. I would probably do the same if I weren't totally at the back of the list (college professor). And I am not sure if this is how you're feeling, but as an anxious/type-A person I always want to *do* something when there is a problem. One of the issues with "bad luck RPL" (or "bad luck RPL-ish") is that there is basically nothing to do but wait and try. I'm not saying I would rather have to go through IVF, etc., but there is something frustrating about just doing the same thing over and over with bad outcomes. 

@baby_yoda1986 Yeah-- time since loss is a weird one. Even a month. With both of my losses I just felt so anxious and behind, like I needed to get pregnant again really quickly. Hopefully you won't have to wait much longer!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. most recently a mmc at 11.5 weeks in September

Status: WTO 

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I did not take the recent CD1 very well. I typically get really sad on the day and then get some "new start" energy the following day or two, and I am getting there. But it's just getting exhausting. And it hasn't even been that long since my miscarriage! I just feel over it. On the plus side, it's Hanukkah this week and I am going all out so that is providing a nice distraction. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope.

Questions? I like it. 

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? Black tea with milk in the morning, mint tea or rooibus at night. 

kiki047

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC at 11w Nov '20

Status: About to start our mock transfer cycle for a January FET 

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? Better, I think. This past weekend would've been our DD for our March FET, and other than the odd sad moment I think we did OK. I tried not to build it up in my head too much but every once in a while it sneaks back in. I also pressured my RE to move my mock cycle up a month, and I'm pretty sure his staff hates me for rearranging their schedules but he was more than happy to do that for me so I don't feel like I'm "wasting" a month, and that'll hopefully make me feel like I'm *doing* something over the holidays, especially because Dec 27th will be the official 3 year mark since I went off BCP to start TTGP. Woof. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? See above. 

Questions? I like this format better @fitzfizz, thank you for taking the initiative to do that. 

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? Hot chocolate, extra cream. Question - do you guys make your hot chocolate with milk or water? I make mine with water but add cream. 

kiki047

@fitzfizz oh girl, mad respect for you for wanting to wait for the vaccine. Will you get priority access because you're in healthcare? I hope you don't have to wait long because this has been such a tough year on you already  
@baby_yoda1986 I think our losses were right around the same time and you're right, that one month mark is hard to swallow. I saw this on IG and it really resonated with me. Maybe it will help you too *hugs* 

@pickle-chips your SN is my favourite to say . Rational picklechips and Emotional picklechips are probably hanging out with Rational Kiki and Emotional Kiki (Angry Kiki just screams into her pillow). I'm sorry there's no safe, middle ground for you. That's how I've always felt about TTC in general. Between WTO, FW, and TWW, there was no "safe zone" and I was just always on edge. Do you have things to keep you busy during the TWW?
@bumblebee0210 I'm so sorry about CD1, hugs! Do you have any special traditions to celebrate Hanukkah? 

inthewoods23

@fitzfizz frankly if you hadn't pointed out changing the format a bit I wouldn't have even noticed    so it's fine with me! It sucks that a number of us are hitting those milestones. It sucks even more because it's around all the holidays!

@baby_yoda1986 high five for hot chocolate!! It's even my fave during the hot summer days your staycation sounds amazing!

@pickle-chips I hate the back and forth emotions too. The thought of MC creeps back in every so often. Like is it going to happen every time now? Such an irrational thought, but we won't ever know until the next time.

@bumblebee0210 I think I've had that too with my AFs. CD1 sucks, but then CD2 and on is like "alright lets do this!". I'm curious how I will be in 2 weeks when (or if) AF arrives. I seem to have this weird expectation that I was doing my thing, then the MC was like dropping the ball and now all I have to do is pick it back up and be back on track. And I know a couple unicorns (one also after a loss) so I just expect it to go the same for me. I hope I'm not building it up too much in my head. I also feel a sense of impatience wanting to get back on track. Likely because I know a few cycles from now would mean no 2021 baby.

@kiki047 glad to hear things felt okay this weekend for you. My cancelled FET would have been for a DD on the 18th. I'll likely forget about it. I think both May this year and September went by without me realizing. Maybe covid helped distract. Hoping everything goes smooth for you with the mock transfer and then the real FET in January! Also I've always made my hot chocolate with water. I think that's what it says on the Swiss Miss packets I've always had. The Starbucks stuff I'm drinking now says milk but I still opt for water since I don't always have oat milk in the house.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 1st loss in October at 8 weeks

Status: O day today I believe/TWW for the rest of the week

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? Things have been going well. No issues during the FW. I'm trying to make FW feel less scheduled. Like I didn't pressure DH to start on CD12 or 14 to do EOD. I think getting the -1 and 0 for timing is our best bet anyway since that's what happened last time.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Well, there was the peak OPK yesterday evening lol that's a test result

Questions? Not today

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? For years it has always been hot chocolate. Within the last few years I've also very much enjoyed apple cider on the regular once fall hits. Last year or early this year before the pandemic is when I found out apple cider soothes my angry soul. Somehow it's calming so I like to have it regularly.

notawhoops

@fitzfizz It sucks being benched, self imposed or not. I hope you're able to get a vaccine soon

@baby_yoda1986 Enjoy your staycation! A cabin in the middle of the ocean sounds so peaceful.

@pickle-chips The TWW can be such a mindf**k. Sending you positive vibes.

@bumblebee0210 I'm sorry about CD1. I'm glad you're able to distract yourself with some Hanukkah preparations.

@kiki047 I'm glad they were able to move up your mock transfer. Hope everything goes smoothly for you.

@inthewoods23 I hope your timing works out and the TWW goes by quickly.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Loss history in siggy. I'm 43 and throwing in the towel once (if?) AF arrives

Status: WFAF? WTO? TWW? I'm either CD 41 (from day of m/c) or CD 22 (from 5-day spotting mid cycle).

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? I have no idea what is going on with my body. I don't temp but I do check my RHR everyday. I *might* have O'd on the 29th but who knows. Dec. 13 will mark one year from my first BFP that started me on this "maybe we're not done having kids" journey. Here we are, 4 bfps and 4 losses in the last 12 months. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I have one more pee stick so I'll POAS on Dec. 13 to mark the one year. If it's a BFN, I'm calling to see what's going on as I'll be over 6 weeks post m/c.

Questions? 

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? It doesn't really get cold enough to warrant a warm beverage here but I guess hot chocolate if I had to choose.

Kenneylynn3

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

4 losses, most recent Aug 2020 miscarriage at 8 weeks

Status:

TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? 

Things are going. I've been struggling with being an active participant in here. It's been 6 months since we started trying and I thought I'd be pregnant by now. I was a unicorn and got pregnant 1st cycle, just to have a miscarriage. I didn't realize how difficult hitting the 6 month mark would be, hoping the holidays distract.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Nope

Questions?

No, but I like the format @fitzfizz

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days?

Haha, depends on my mood? I like black tea, apple cider (the package kind) or coffee. Occasionally a hot cocoa, but rarely.

Kenneylynn3

@fitzfizz I'm sorry you benched yourself. I don't believe I have that willpower. I understand your reasons 100%. I'd be annoyed with myself too.
@baby_yoda1986 milestones can be so difficult. Enjoy your staycation.
@pickle-chips FX for you. TTC is such a hurry up and wait game.
@bumblebee0210 bummer for CD1. Hope your Hanukkah plans go well.
@kiki047 yay for RE being understanding and moving up your mock cycle.
@inthewoods23 agree with apple cider having a calming effect.
@notawhoops limbo is never a fun place to be. Hoping AF shows soon or you get a bfp. 

fitzfizz

@baby_yoda1986 Sorry the one month milestone is hitting you hard. A secluded cabin by the ocean sounds amazing though! 

@pickle-chips So much yes to flip-flopping between emotional and rational. TTC has brought out emotional fitzfizz in a lot of crazy ways that rational fitzfizz has to try to talk down. Regarding the vaccine, I only decided to wait because I will likely be able to get the first dose this month. If that gets delayed for some reason we will go back to trying. 

@bumblebee0210 Yeah, what you said basically encompasses how I’m feeling about hitting the 1 year mark this month. I absolutely am not saying this is worse than dealing with infertility, it is just a whole other can of awful because there is nothing to do. I am not a go-with-the-flow person and I hate having nothing to target. Happy Hanukkah! 

@kiki047 Hot chocolate made with whole milk is definitely the best! I have learned how to make it with the milk steamer attachment on my espresso maker and it is the best. I’m sorry you are hitting those milestones this month. I hope the mock transfer takes your mind off of it in a good way! In a way taking this month off is oddly liberating. I have had so much disappointment this year that it is kind of nice knowing I won’t be disappointed this month. I can enjoy Christmas (including wine!) knowing that I’m not pregnant and that isn’t disappointing because I wasn’t trying. 

@inthewoods23 Yay for O! I hope the post-loss juju works out for you and this cycle is all the luck you need! 

@notawhoops Where do you live that it is never cold enough for a hot beverage? I’m in the deep south and even now I’m snuggled up by the fireplace enjoying my coffee. 

@kenneylynn3 To borrow @pickle-chips terminology, rational Fitzfizz is like “you can’t self isolate, you work with COVID patients, you need to do the responsible thing and get the vaccine before getting KU again” but emotional fitzfizz wants to get a little tipsy and forget we are supposed to be TTA because all I want is a baby. Hence, I am annoyed with myself. How are things going with the search for a mew donor? 

bumblebee0210

@pickle-chips I feel the rational/emotional roller-coaster super hard. It's like the cartoon angel/devil on the shoulders.
@kiki047 It sounds like you have a great doctor, and it's good to have something positive to focus on. We are just starting out building up our Hanukkah traditions. I converted so I grew up with Christmas, so it's both fun and intimidating to start from scratch. We are doing "themed nights" this year and I put candles all over the house so that's been really nice. 
@inthewoods23 I do that math *all the time*-- we just booked an August lake house and I was like wait for me to get my period so I know I won't be in labor then... and then I get sad like no summer babies, no fall baby, no 2021 baby... 
@notawhoops I'm sorry you're at this weird crossroads. I hope whatever happens you can find some closure. 
@Kenneylynn3 I'm sorry you're getting frustrated. Honestly I think the days getting darker and the pandemic dragging on is not helping the general feeling of disappointment with TTC. Hoping you have some fun holiday stuff planned. 

pickle-chips

@baby_yoda1986 a cabin by the ocean sounds amazing—waves crashing on the shore, solitude, maybe a woodstove?

@bumblebee0210 I'm glad that Hanukkah is providing a happy distraction for you this week! Enjoy going all out Is there something in particular you are most looking forward to as you start to create your own traditions?

@kiki047 does waiting for our new mattress to be delivered count as a distraction? I make my hot chocolate with whole milk (I agree with @fitzfizz, it's the best!), but I'm also one of those people that takes coffee with my cream. I am sorry that December has those milestones, but I hope the sense of doing something over the holidays and moving forward helps to assuage Emotional/Angry Kiki.

@inthewoods23 I'm glad things have been going well and I hope that carries over into the TWW. I agree, apple cider feels almost medicinal. 

@notawhoops I am so sorry for your losses and that you find yourself in this limbo. I hope that you get clarity soon. Sending positive vibes back your way. 

@Kenneylynn3 that's a perfect description of the TWW. And I find it can even depend on the hour. Some days I'm like, meh what CD is it? Other days I check my phone like 30 times in an hour to see if there is any more data I can add. I am sorry that you find yourself at the 6 month mark. Fingers crossed for you (and all of us!) in the TWW at the moment. 

@fitzfizz this month—that's kind of surreal! I hope there is no hold up and that you can get your vaccine schedule going soon. 

keikilove

Hey ladies, I want to apologize for participating every now & then, and then disappearing. This feels like the most sacred thread in all of TTGP so if my sporadic involvement feels offensive to anyone, please do let me know here or send me a PM. I will understand. 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: An unexplained late loss at 18 weeks in October 2018, early loss at 6 weeks in January 2019, 8 CPs in 2019-2020 

Status: Just finished egg retrieval in first week of December, waiting to do a frozen embryo transfer in January.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? Things are fine. I almost don’t know what to do with this month “off” of trying after so many months consumed with TTC. Like you, @fitzfizz, I’m beginning to embrace the positives such as getting to enjoy a glass of wine at Christmas without any guilt.  

I have been struggling with something a bit upsetting regarding loss. Putting it in a Spoiler because it is very sensitive, involving discussion of pictures of late losses. (No pics in spoiler.)

In my Reproductive Immunology group there is a woman who has suffered several late losses (2nd tri). I feel like I’ve been watching her spin out of control as she tries to find answers—which I can definitely relate to. Anyway, she formed a second group for those of us who have specifically experienced 2nd-tri losses: it’s truly a safe place for those who’ve joined. Many of the women have had no one to share with about their late losses. So they are really pouring out their hearts within the safe group. Recently, some of them wanted to post pics of their tiny babies who passed, to honor them. (I do have pictures of our daughter in our hands but I did not share with that group. Our pictures feel very private.) Some of the pictures the women posted were sweet, but some were so sad. One mom wanted reassurance from the group that there was something wrong with her baby, that we all could see it even though the doctors told her he looked normal. We definitely could see that he didn’t look like our babies at 16 or 18 or 20 weeks, and that gave her comfort that he wasn’t meant to survive, that she had done nothing wrong. 

I can see that the group is bringing a lot of the women peace and closure. But for me, it’s actually making me wonder if my little one suffered at all, if the natural killer cells’ attack on the placenta hurt her, or made her short life agonizing in any way. These are terrible thoughts that I’ve been struggling with the past couple of weeks. I’m not even sure if it’s ok to share here or if it’s really too much for everyone. Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest here this time. I won’t bring up this type of thing again if it’s too upsetting.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Just recently diagnosed with a gene match w MH that could be the reason for all the losses. Did bloodwork today to see if the recent LIT treatment we did has made any positive difference. 

Questions? NATM 

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days? Definitely hot chocolate with milk. Apple cider with cinnamon is lovely during the holidays.

notawhoops

@keikilove I will put my response to you in the spoiler. It talks about my first daughters' malformation so it might be sensitive.

I completely understand wondering if your baby suffered in utero. Our first daughter had a malformation and the doctors think part of the sac stuck to her abdomen while it was forming and didn't fully close. We initially thought it could be something we could fix after she was born but during a scan at 16wks, her organs were outside of her body and her lower half also became malformed. 

While the doctors reassured us she was not in any pain, I couldn't help wonder if she was. I also felt so much guilt wondering if I hit my abdomen too hard to cause the sac to touch. While I can't say these thoughts will ever truly go away, I feel some comfort that almost every doctor that knows of the situation of my first pregnancy (a whopping 3) has said that she would have not been in pain.

Thank you for sharing something so private and know that you are not alone.

notawhoops

@fitzfizz Los Angeles. It is starting to get a little chilly but definitely not mittens and hot cocoa chilly like I see in other parts of the country.

bumblebee0210

@keikilove I'm sorry you're having these thoughts. I haven't experienced 2nd tri los, and I know it's really its own beast, but I will say it's ok to bow out of groups that aren't serving you in a particular moment. Sometimes we need to be surrounded by people who get it, and sometimes we really need to not be bombarded with it all the time. Both things are ok--  with this board and with your FB group. I think as far as what you mentioned in your spoiler, you're right that you can never really know. TTC/pregnancy/parenting are so full of uncertainty-- I am constantly trying to be better at just existing peacefully without answers. I know that's not helpful advice, maybe just a reminder that you aren't alone in the struggle. 

inthewoods23

@notawhoops I hope you get some answers soon as to what is going on with your body. So frustrating.

@Kenneylynn3 sorry to hear you are struggling with the 6 month mark. It sucks so much to have a loss as a baseline for months that have passed.

@bumblebee0210 we just did the math again yesterday 😩 because we're considering a major home remodel sometime next year. So it's like shit, we can't be tearing walls down and using power tools next fall with a freaking newborn! DH actually want to do it earlier in the summer instead of fall like we were originally considering. We have time at least before we need to pull the trigger on buying or putting certain steps into motion so we've got some time to find out how far along I'd be or how many months old a LO would be. But man, it really sucks how much we take the unknown baby plans into consideration.

@keikilove I really appreciate you expressing your raw feelings here.

I would ask myself the same questions. Babies hear you in the womb at some point right? So I would think their brain at some point can process pain as well. It's such an odd thing... When do babies in the womb truly connect to our physical world and feel things the way we do? And really, maybe the answer is whatever brings us the most comfort. Maybe they sense it, but don't physically feel it?

I hope you continue to speak freely as needed about such a difficult topic. Even though I have never experienced what you have gone through, I appreciate hearing your perspective. Sometimes I feel like these sad and difficult conversations are virtual representations of the hugs we would give to each other as we go through this together. We can connect on such a deep level that wouldn't be possible if we didn't express these hard, raw emotions.

Also my damn HSP traits🌷want me to feel deeply right now, and these topics and conversations really fulfill that. I don't really like the word fulfill there, but I think you understand. I guess this is my weird way of saying I am open to talking about anything here.

kiki047

I'll be back later for more tags but I wanted to send some extra love out to my girl @keikilove. 

Thank you, beautiful friend, for trusting us to be open with your feelings and your history. I've known you a long time now, and I know you've always kept your losses pretty close and I can certainly understand and appreciate why. Your pain and your journey are deeply personal and I cannot even begin to fathom what you've been through, but what I can tell you is that you emanate love, warmth, and compassion in everything that you do. As a parent you will always wonder about your baby girl, that may never go away. The one thing I can say for certain is that she was wanted more than anything and loved beyond measure, and that she mattered to so many people, even in her short life. She is a part of you.

Maybe it's the name itself of "natural killer cells" that triggers a defensive response, because that would make me feel uneasy too. But as much as I may envision good antibodies fighting off bad viruses as White Knights in shiny armour, I also know that so much goes on in our bodies that we're completely unaware of, and want to believe that even though I feel like I failed our baby somehow, my body still shielded it from pain and suffering in any way it could. I'm so very sorry that you're left with the weight of that contemplation instead of closure, and as ITW said, I also find that talking about it is therapeutic and in the absence of being able to physically hug you (covid aside) I hope you know you can always talk to us about it.   

fitzfizz

@keikilove I will also spoiler, and say that this is similarly sensitive. 

To start: I want to give you a crying hug right now. I’m going to start as rational fitzfizz and say that medically speaking, if the cause of your loss was an immune attack on the placenta, this would not cause any pain to your baby. The placenta is insensate, and so I truly believe it would not be possible for her to have felt pain from that. 

Regarding your group, I can see how that would be helpful in some ways, but I can also see that it would be really hard to be a part of that. I’m not sure I could be part of those discussions, so if you are feeling like it is making you more anxious, stepping back could be a good idea.

And now for irrational, emotional, and currently sobbing fitzfizz: Although I know it is illogical, I frequently worry that what I did caused her pain. I at least have the knowledge that something concrete was wrong and she never would have survived if we had done things differently, but those thoughts still creep in that I caused her pain when I was supposed to keep her safe. It’s hard to think rationally about these things because nothing about pregnancy loss is rational. I keep trying to logic my way out of these thoughts but it doesn’t work because these thoughts don’t come from a logical place. 

When this was all fresh my therapist had told me to stop trying to logic/doctor it and just let myself feel sad. I don’t know if that helps at all because I’m in a shit place to be explaining the therapist side of things right now, but I guess what I’m getting at is it isn’t going to help to try to focus on what the cells were doing and whether or not she could feel it, because at the end of the day there is nothing that can be done. You love her and that is all that is important. 

pickle-chips

@keikilove there is nothing I can really add to what has already been said by others who have said it all better than I could. So I just want to send you all the love and internet stranger hugs. Could you use the "Snooze the group for 30 days" feature on FB to give yourself a bit of space and control over when and how you see their posts?

bumblebee0210

@inthewoods23  Ugh and then the time passes, you get there with no baby and not even pregnant, and you're like "damn I wish I had just done this renovation/gone on this trip/whatever". I hate the baby math so much. And I love math. 

inthewoods23

Boy do I feel like I can't articulate my thoughts compared to @kiki047 and @fitzfizz! There's so much love and compassion in this group. Loving all the feels

@bumblebee0210 yeah any major project really has been on hold with our house (excluding the deck that was rebuilt last year, but that was dangerous to be on). The cycle we conceived was the last one before we'd go back to the RE and try a 2nd transfer. DH and I had the tough conversation over how the future would be if we ended up childless not by choice. We had agreed on not doing anything with our house and just looking towards finding a lot and building our dream home. And well, now that plan is out the window since we did actually conceive on our own

keikilove

Y’all, I am not a crier, but your gentle & kind replies have me over here like:

I cannot thank you enough for being understanding & accepting of where I’m at right now. Thank you, thank you, friends.💗
(Right after I posted yesterday I had a long doctor appointment without WiFi & then had a bad headache from the infusion & went straight to sleep. I’m just able to post my tags now; sorry for posting about myself & then belatedly interacting with others.) 

@fitzfizz Thank you endlessly for sharing your personal experiences of loss, and the “what-ifs” that come up despite knowing it couldn’t be any different. You describe it perfectly as trying to “logic” your way out of things—that is how I approach everything in life. It’s a big part of why my participation here has been sporadic—like if I don’t address my losses deeply then I can just move on. Clearly, that isn’t so. It’s a huge relief to hear that you & others share these thoughts. I’m just sorry that so many of us here can relate.💕 I’m also sending big warm hugs to you at your one-year mark. It’s definitely a hard one to hit. I’m so sorry you feel annoyed at being self-benched. It must be super tough to take time off, but it sounds really smart under your circumstances.//Yum to the tea you mentioned! Sounds so good, I want to go look for it in the store. 
@notawhoops I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you also for sharing such personal and private details of your story. Both your & fitzfizz’s insights about potential pain experienced is reassuring. What you said about the thoughts maybe never truly going away was also comforting. I know you haven’t been participating in TTGP that long, and you plan to leave if it’s a bfn this month, but I’ve really appreciated you being here. I’m also AMA with a loss history similar to yours so I’ve felt an affinity since you first posted. I hope you get your bfp.
@bumblebee0210 Your advice was incredibly helpful. The ‘permission’ to bow out or join back in as feelings allow is really a blessing. Hope the Hanukkah celebrations do bring some light & joy to distract you!
@inthewoods23 It was your HSP💗 response that got me crying like Niagara Falls.😭 Thank you so much, friend. It means a lot to me that you’re open to us sharing these deeply personal things with each other here.
@kiki047 Well goodness, if you aren’t just the most eloquent and beautiful and comforting friend! Your words are so soothing, especially what you said about your body shielding the baby from any pain or suffering. I’m so grateful for you, and for everyone here. Talking about this out loud  has been therapeutic indeed. Sending so much love and gratitude to you and everyone in this group.💗

@baby_yoda1986 I’m sorry the one-month mark has been so tough. Milestones are always hard to face. Hoping your TWW is a good distraction indeed. Your vacation sounds like a dream! 

@pickle-chips That’s a perfect way to describe the up-and-down of navigating the emotions. I hope you’re able to find some balance & stability coming up soon. And thank you for the idea to snooze the group—honestly, why hadn’t I already thought of that? 

ETA: @Kenneylynn3 Not sure how I missed tagging you—oops! I hope today is feeling a bit less frustrating for you. I’m sorry that this most recent milestone is feeling that much harder to face. Hopefully you will have success soon—it seems to happen for some right when they’ve reached that point.  

grogu

I started replying  the other day but forgot to post 

@kiki047 Thank you for that IG post, it makes sense but time passing is so hard. I feel better today since I've O'd and I am oddly hopeful with this cycle.

@inthewoods23 fingers crossed your timing does the trick! I need to drink more apple cider. Its so delicious and I always forget about it.

@Kenneylynn3 I am sorry you are at the 6 month mark. All the milestones are so hard sending love.

@pickle-chips definitely a wood stove! I made sure to get one of the cabins with one 

@keikilove I am so sorry you are struggling with those feelings and wonders. I agree with @pickle-chips in possibly snoozing the group to give yourself some space when you need it and checking in if you feel up to it.  

 

emeraldcity1214

I hope everyone is ok if I join in. 

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

This is my second loss. I knew something was off this entire cycle from when my TD picked up my temp shift to the day I saw a faint line. I was going back and forth with an old TTGP grad and she was kind enough to look at my tests with me. I even mentioned to her at 11 DPO that maybe this is a CP. The lines got darker until 12DPO and then I got a lot of cramping and the next day the line was lighter. Yesterday was pretty awful. I cried a lot. Plus In addition to all the cramping and bleeding I was nauseous because apparently I still have enough HCG for symptoms. It was like a cruel joke my body was playing on me. 

Now I get to look forward to Dec 14th. The day I walked into L&D and walked out without my baby. I had a SCH with that pregnancy and she passed away 3 days after an US confirming the SCH had healed and she was doing great. Another cruel thing to happen. 

Status: WTO. The silver lining is that we can start TTC this cycle and ovulation will happen after we get back from my in-laws. 

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with and/or what is going well? 

I have cried a lot but I also feel at peace with this because I knew it in my gut something wasn’t right. I would much rather it happen quick and be done than drag out for weeks and I find out alone at an US. 

Any testing coming up/any recent results? 

None, my temps are down. I’m assuming once the bleeding stops the HCG will be mostly gone and I won’t feel sick anymore. 

Questions? I have never had a CP. a When do you typically ovulate? At your normal time or is it delayed some? 

GTKY: What is your favorite warm beverage for the cold days?  Apple cider 

bumblebee0210

@emeraldcity1214 I'm sorry you find yourself back here. I have had two CPs, and on both I had basically normal cycles with a slightly late O-day (day 14 and 16, when I'm usually more of a day 12/13 type). I may have had a slightly shorter LP in the cycle after my first CP, which lasted a little longer. On both cases, I was also symptomatic (I get nauseated *very* early in pregnancy), but that went away very quickly. 

emeraldcity1214

@bumblebee0210 I’m hoping I’m delayed a few days simply so it doesn’t fall on Christmas. We won’t have any way to HIO those days. 

fitzfizz

@emeraldcity1214 So sorry to see you are back here. I had basically the same thing last month. I’m taking this month off so I can get the COVID vaccine, so I haven’t been charting and can’t be super helpful, but I can say that based on previous cycles I should be ovulating this weekend and my CM does seem to correlate with that. 

notawhoops

@emeraldcity1214 I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had many CP's with O happening on schedule or delayed a day afterward.

emeraldcity1214

I already talked with DH and basically asked that he make time on our trip for us to slip away. He said he would. If we aren’t HIO a bunch when my FW opens I should be able to tell exactly which day is peak and corner him. 😆 

I looked back at my chart after I delivered Abigail (my angel) and I ovulated 3 days after I stopped bleeding. I was much further along so if I didn’t have a delayed ovulation that month I doubt I have it this month either. 

I started using my new sensor this cycle too so it will be interesting to see the range my temps fall in post ovulation. They are much lower with this sensor. 

notawhoops

I used my last pee stick this morning. BFN. I was really hopeful since my RHR has been staying pretty high and I thought I O'd on the 29th, which would put me at 14DPO. Guess it's just my body messing with me.

I started spotting today and feeling a little crampy, which means AF will probably be here by Tuesday.

Pity party and LC mentioned in spoiler.

A year ago, I got a surprise BFP (I was on the pill!). I sobbed in the car because we were done and my kids were 6 and 8. When we realized it was a blessing and started to get excited, it ended. While DH said lets just see what happens, of course I was tracking my cycles and knew roughly when I would O. 

It just sucks that here we are, one year later, 4 BFP's, and 4 losses. I should be picking "1st Christmas" onesies and enjoying the holidays as a family of 5. Why is having a baby so hard for my body?! My doctors have told me that I'm "above average" for getting pregnant, especially "for my age" but that doesn't mean diddlysquat if I can't even make it more than a few weeks. Gah!!!  =(

emeraldcity1214

@notawhoops I’m so sorry. Hugs. 

keikilove

@notawhoops I’m really sorry. I know you mentioned that this may be the end of the road for you. But if you change your mind for any reason, TTGP still welcomes you.