Weekly Randoms 10/5-10/11

fitzfizz

fitzfizz

Not sure if this needs a TW specifically, but just in case **TW** discussion of pregnancy announcements.

I have a general question for the group. I was thinking a lot about it this weekend, especially after multiple people were upset about getting blindsided by other people’s pregnancy announcements. I also want to be clear that my intention is not to offend or upset anyone, just looking for opinions since the goal of everyone in this group is to get KU, and hopefully at some point we all will. 

What do you think would be the best (least upsetting) way to hear about someone’s pregnancy? Obviously it is going to suck either way, but what would minimize the hurt for you? 

Details about my specific situation in spoiler if interested. 

I have one SIL who recently announced her pregnancy on a zoom call on my birthday with me in the front and center surrounded by the rest of my family. I barely made it through the call holding my shit together, and I felt crappy for more than a week about it. Obviously this is a bad way to do it. 

My other SIL recently had a second attempted egg retrieval with no success, so although we are not close, I’m sure she is feeling pretty terrible right now. 

Basically I’m trying to figure out how to best make sure I don’t make SIL #2 feel the same way that SIL #1 made me feel. Thoughts? 

And846

*tw*

Me personally, I'd like to see it on social media so I can "hide" that person for a little while and not see the mass amounts of baby/bump posting to follow. I think it is easier that way since you do not need to have an immediate response to them and you don't necessarily have to keep yourself composed in front of people. As for family/close friends...I'd think a personal call to share the news vs have it blasted out on a zoom or at a family event. 

edit to put response into spoiler

optimisticoctopus

@fitzfizz putting my response in a box just in case **TW

I’ve found that I’m less upset (or upset for less time) when I see announcements of people that I know have been trying for a while, whether they detail their struggles or not. I’m always more upset when people who have been trying for 5 seconds (or not trying at all) get KU and flaunt it like crazy. I’ve always felt that if I knew someone (closely) who was struggling, I would tell them privately before doing a big public or social media announcement. I feel like it’s the surprise sucker punch of an announcement that hurts the most. 

chindimples04

@fitzfizz response in box

Honestly, with close family (BIL AND SILS or siblings), I want them to tell me personally. I’d prefer a phone call so I can decide if it’s a good time for me or not (ie not answer if I’m busy or with people). That way I can quickly end the phone call and have my moment. Finding out in person this weekend was really hard because I had to keep my shit together for a full hour before I could finally have my moment and that hour lasted forever. I personally would not want to see it in social media from close family first. 

Kenneylynn3

*tw*

I would rather get a text if close friend or family member. I can hide and think of a reaction without needing to take any happiness. I'm sorry your sil did that to you. For other friends or such, social media would be done for the same reason. I find a text to be more personable, like me and my feelings were taken into account and they wanted to tell me, but was respectful about it. Instead being told with the rest of the world.... I hope that makes sense.

akoros

*TW* wrt announcements

If it's a close friend or family member, I prefer a heads up ahead of a big announcement (ideally a text or email...could do a phone call if it's someone who understands that I may not be able to give a gushing response). Other than that, I'd probably prefer anything that's not in person, like social media, email, group text, etc, so I can feel what I need to feel and get back to them when I'm ready. Honestly, any time someone lets me know that they at least thought about my feelings for two seconds makes me feel a bit better. With losses, in particular, I feel like most people just pretend it never happened. I know that they do this to avoid getting me upset, but it then makes me feel like I should be "over it" and any related emotions I feel are invalid.

bows22

I had 2 close friends tell me they were pregnant with their 2nd kids in Feb and May. The first one was an oops pregnancy but I was totally thrilled for her. She told me in person but it was in private and not a big announcement. The other was trying but started a year after we did and got pregnant on month #2. She kind of blurted it out over text and it took me off guard (like we were mid convo and she slid it in) and she was pretty far along so it wasn’t like it was new news that she decided all of a sudden to tell me. I’m still struggling with my feelings on this one. Another difference is that when they told me, the first friend acknowledged that it might be hard for me and the second didn’t. Now it’s like I don’t know if she understands why I’m not bringing up her pregnancy a lot and I think that’s contributing to my less than positive feelings. But I think this is something that is so different for every situation (since I’m not even having consistent feelings between these 2 situations). 

chindimples04

Unrelated question: Has anyone in here had Toxic Shock? I’d love to pick your brain if any of you have, too.

emeraldcity1214

TW

I would not like to see it on FB. I think a text would be considerate. That way, they have time to emotionally process it and they don’t need to keep their composure in front of you. 

@chindimples04 I have never had toxic shock. I rarely use tampons and I stopped using a cup. 

chindimples04

@emeraldcity1214 can I ask why you stopped using a cup? My flow is so heavy that pads just aren’t cutting it (I have already changed it twice today in 4 hours).

emeraldcity1214

@chindimples04 TW in spoiler 

With one of my deliveries the baby came out way too fast and damaged a muscle. To the point I have had to have extensive PT for it. I am currently trying to strengthen my pelvic floor via Mutu System so I don’t end up needing surgery at some point. The damaged muscle will randomly contract at times and cause excruciating pain. To the point I am on the floor in fetal position crying. Tampons and cups have caused these episodes to happen more frequently. So I have avoided them while this muscle heals. It’s been 3 years now and it is much much better but not fully healed. 

I started having extremely heavy periods when I turned 27 or 28. To the point I would fill a super plus tampon in an hour. It was horrible. Then I started adding ground flaxseed to my diet. It is amazing! It took my flow from extremely heavy to a medium flow and shortened it a few days. I make it a priority to get plenty of flaxseed into my diet because of this. 

chindimples04

@emeraldcity1214 interesting! When I contracted toxic shock, they said it was a mixture of changing tampons too often (super plus every 2 hours at 16 years old) and swimming in the Mississippi River on my period. 🤢 So now I avoid the river like it’s the plague and use birth control to avoid periods, except that’s not helpful while TTC. 🤣 I just can’t find any research in using the cup AFTER TSS, just that it’s not linked to it initially. But any foreign object after TSS could risk it again. 

emeraldcity1214

@chindimples04 You should really try the flaxseed. It has been life changing. That’s interest that they said it was from changing them too often. I have always been told you run the risk if you don’t change them often enough. From what I know, cups don’t typically cause TSS but I’m not sure if your risk is elevated after already having it. 

photographerwife

@fitzfizz TW

I think a text is fine too. One of my best friends who just had a baby really caught be off guard with her announcement. It was an accidental pregnancy and her and the baby’s father weren’t together. She knew we had been trying for a while, but didn’t about what the ectopic pregnancy loss that I had 2 months prior to her announcement. It took me a long time to even respond and when I did, I told her what was up and apologized for not being able to be the support she needed right now. She was very understanding throughout the entire pregnancy. She didn’t pressure me at all to help with the shower or anything, which I would have done under different circumstances, and have in the past. It was so hard. It really tore me up, tbh. But her text allowed me to grieve in peace. I would have had to leave, and be a huge sobbing mess if she had told me in person. And I’m still dreading the day that any of my other close friends have an announcement. I think fb is okay too for people that you aren’t as close to. 

chindimples04

@emeraldcity1214 more frequent introduction to a foreign object, I guess. Leaving them in too long is far more common. I’ll definitely try flaxseed. I actually just bought some, ironically!

Kenneylynn3

@emeraldcity1214 can I ask how much flaxseed is recommended for that? 

emeraldcity1214

@Kenneylynn3 I usually just shake a bunch into my morning oatmeal or add some to my shakes. It’s probably a TBS in my oatmeal and 3 TBS in my shakes. I haven’t seen this recommended it’s just something I stumbled upon. I stopped using it between my last two cycles because I changed up some of my eating habits and my period was soooo heavy and I was miserable. So miserable that I have been going out of my way to add it back into my diet. I’m expecting AF any day now so I will keep y’all updated. 

Edit: 2 TBS in my shakes, definitely not 3 😆

fitzfizz

@emeraldcity1214, @Kenneylynn3, and @chindimples04 I’m not sure of benefits for periods, but if you up your flaxseed oil you will have fantastic HDL and lower blood pressure! 

And thanks for the input everyone! Hopefully one day we all get to use this advice to make the world a more comfortable place for anyone who is struggling. 

emeraldcity1214

I haven’t read up on it in awhile so someone correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the flaxseed assisting with the body absorbing the estrogen levels in the body. I tend to be high estrogen and have attributed that to my heavy periods. 

krash_

@chindimples04 you could try the Thinx period underwear. I haven't personally used them but I have a friend with a really heavy flow and she loves them. 

krash_

*TW* TFAS

I just have to share that I had to see myself out of the TFAS thread today. I had a long draft typed up with responses but I deleted it all because I was feeling a little triggered. I didn't want to post this there because I don't think it is anyone's fault and I absolutely think that is the best place for you all to post that but I had a lot of struggles BF the first time (due to DS NICU stay and IUGR) and now after TFAS for 11 months it was just hard to see so many people TTC while still BF. Nothing against any of you who are TTC while BF I just found myself feeling really down about TTC after reading through all of it. Just wanted to share like I said I think that is definitely the right place for that to be discussed. 

legendairymomma

@krash_   TW-tfas

Girl I get you. Like... My littlest is almost 5. I could only BF him for 6 months because I couldn't make enough milk. It's rarely mentioned how difficult it actually is. Then you have the milk goddesses and its hard to not be triggered. 

ashaislurking

@krash_ response in spoiler

The past few weeks it's been really hard for me to participate in the TFAS thread- and I've seen some people who were active in that thread when I first started here who have popped off the thread entirely but haven't graduated yet and I'm curious if it's a similar situation. Some of the TFAS stuff I've been seeing, I can't relate to or struggle heavily with (BF while TTC, seeing so many TFASers leave the group within 1-2 cycles, etc.). Like I mentioned in TFAS a couple weeks ago, one of my close friends tried for 2 months and is KU again so that was really triggering for me. At this point I'm struggling to find my place in the TFAS thread. Sending you lots of hugs if you want them.

chindimples04

@krash_ I can’t figure out how those are work! 🤣 I mean, I get how they work but I can’t wrap my brain around them. My biggest dislike of pads is being able to feel my period happening. More TFAS response in the spoiler.

I’m really sorry if anything I said was triggering. I totally understand how difficult breastfeeding can be. We had a difficult journey while I battled PPA and PPD for most of the first year. And I honestly never thought we’d still be BFing. Maybe we can start a separate, month TTC while breastfeeding board, and keep breastfeeding conversations there? Just trying to make it a safe space for everyone. ❤️

Kenneylynn3

@krash_ TFAS response in spoiler

I'm so sorry you needed to leave TFAS and our conversation triggered you. Maybe instead of creating another thread we can use a *tw bf related*? 
I'm not going to say I know your struggles, as we had struggles but it's different for everyone. My intention wasn't to make it an unsafe space. I will try to keep this in mind in future conversations to make it a safe space for everyone.

photographerwife

@ashaislurking  TW TFAS

I agree. Staying in tfas is too much for me too. Not only because I don’t quite relate to the bf content or anything any more but everyone is in and out so quick. And when I was there, I was hoping to have a sibling in that 2 year range like my siblings are. And here I am, with an almost 3 year old In a couple of weeks and no end do ttc in sight. I know I’m blessed to have even one child, but it’s hard trying to accept my families reality over what I always hoped for.  It’s a struggle to even post to the dallies too, tbh.

krash_

Thank you all for the support. I don't expect us to make another thread or add more trigger warnings. Secondary IF is just it's own special kind of mind f*ck on top of TTC. 

@photographerwife

We were hoping for a 2.5 year age gap and that has definitely come and gone, I even gave us a few months wiggle room expecting it to take 3-6 months of TTC. 

gingermama29

@photographerwife
*TW* TFAS

I'm in the exact same boat. I used to post in TFAS all the time and haven't in months. It's been really hard watching the turnover on top of not achieving the age gap I was hoping for. I've also been struggling with the dailies lately, though some of that is because work is so crazy busy.

bows22

 @photographerwife@gingermama29

bows22

And to switch gears to randoms....

krash_

Ok there's too many spoilers on this thread now. 

@bows22 I'm dying at that GIF! 

daisy528

@bows22 that GIF made me laugh outloud at my desk  

photographerwife

@bows22 I love Jim Carrey! He’s such a weirdo! Did you see his snl skit about the debate? He’s played Biden and it was hilarious. 

photographerwife

@krash_ I agree. I think the board is fine. TFAS isn’t for all of us. Just like TTCAL or IF doesn’t fit everyone during every chapter. I think they’re all fine as they are, imo. 

bows22

@photographerwife we never watch SNL except during election time so yes I did watch it and it was hilarious! I didn’t realize he was going to be Biden and it was so so good. They were both perfect. It was almost a little too real haha. 

fingerscrossed1

Would love everyone's advice: is kombucha ok to drink during TWW? What about during pregnancy?

fitzfizz

@fingerscrossed1 It really just depends whether you are OK with small amounts of alcohol and caffeine in pregnancy. In the TWW many people subscribe to the “drink till it’s pink” philosophy, and some people are OK with light occasional alcohol in pregnancy. Personally I would abstain from alcohol during the initial 10 weeks of embryogenesis, after that was OK by my OB for small amounts here and there. For caffeine, most doctors consider that fine in small quantities in all stages of pregnancy, so also would be fine in TWW. One other consideration in pregnancy is that not all kombucha is pasteurized, and you definitely want pasteurized in pregnancy. 

@bows22 Your gif is awesome! 

fingerscrossed1

@fitzfizz thank you for your thoughts!

_orchid_

Just a thought, because I was feeling the same way about the dailies/TFAS as time kept passing for me: what about a weekly TTC6+Months thread? Part of the reason I started being less active at the end of the summer was because I kind of felt like I didn't "fit" anywhere- the dailies were hard to do each day bc it was a reminder that I was 12, 13, 14, 15+ months in, and TFAS was tough bc some of the people posting there had a LO at the start of my time TTC this round. I didn't feel right posting in the IF thread bc I didn't have an official diagnosis. No one made me feel unwelcome- this was all on me. I felt like once I hit the 6 month mark my feelings about TTC changed, and it might be nice to have a spot to commiserate about that. Just a thought. 

legendairymomma

@_orchid_ yes!! I totally love that idea.