GTKY - Unnecessary Commentary Edition

pdx2020

We haven’t done one of these in a minute and it seemed like there were a couple of them in a this week’s thread already. 

So - what are the unnecessary, unhelpful, rude, unexpected, uneducated, annoying, etc. things people have said to you TTC, pregnancy, and postpartum? 

kantobean

Oh, great topic! DD is 3.5 so for a while we were getting “when are you going to have another one?” Thankfully, our parents were very respectful so this would usually come from acquaintances.

When we announced our pregnancy a lot of people said things like “I was wondering when you were going to have another one!” Ok....


also, last baby I was asked at least twice in the postpartum months when I was due. 🙄 So FTMs, prepare yourselves mentally for that possibility.

pdx2020

A couple weeks ago, my boss said: “I can finally see you’re pregnant!”
Me: 🤰🏼

Her: “Nope!” *points at my chest* “Those are huge!”

Me: 🤦🏼‍♀️

WorkingOnMyNightCheese

My personal favorite so far, between both pregnancies:

You know, if you eat too many sweets it'll give you gestational diabetes, right?

SCIENCE SAYS NO, SUSAN.

varimama

I stay home now so most of the awkward things said to me when pregnant with DS haven’t gotten said. 

Probably the weirdest one was when my aunt asked me if I was pregnant during my cousin’s wedding and I said no but I’m fairly confident that is when we conceived and obviously she must have done the math to figure that out 🤣

Last time the most annoying comments I got were at the very end (I worked up through the day I was induced). I had everyone telling me I wasn’t walking enough, eating enough pineapple, etc... then the same people would give DH a hard time for “making” me walk from the parking lot to work (we used to work together). It was a long walk but I liked it, DH would happily have dropped me off. 

Oh and after DS was born everyone would ask if he was sleeping the night... this was extra annoying as he didn’t until after 2. Babies are not supposed to sleep through the night, they need the calories at night for a lot longer than most people seem to realize. 

miss.sally

@varimama I feel like the most commonly asked question once you have a baby is “how are they sleeping?” Like. Babies don’t sleep, people. Ever. It’s just a thing. And I’m not a bad parent because I nurse on demand through the night. Ugh!!! 

We dealt with infertility and multiple miscarriages before our last and I was very open about it so I got a handful of “oh just stop trying and it’ll happen,” or “you’re just thinking about it too much.” 🙄 MIL was the worst. 

I also get asked at least once a month by FIL how much weight I’ve gained so far this pregnancy. I know he means nothing by it but it’s still weird and I don’t know why he cares. Lol. 

kailanae

The most common two for me so far this pregnancy have been:

"When are you due?"
"March"
"Oh wow, really, that far?"

and 

"Do you know if it is a boy or a girl?"
"My third boy!"
"Oh, poor thing - I guess you'll have to try for a fourth to get a girl!"

  

kailanae

@kantobean After DS2 with my diastisis recti I looked pregnant for several months postpartum - it was a big point of stress for me.  Thankfully, a combination of physical therapy and diet tweaks eventually helped there.

@miss.sally we co-sleep and nurse on demand MOTN for the first two years, no sleep training.  It prompts a lot of unwanted sleep advice.

kantobean

@pdx2020 your boss sounds super inappropriate! 

@varimama the sleep questions are the worst. I don’t know whether to lie or tell the truth and then enjoy the pitiful looks and “advice” people give.


i forgot about the very worst one! When I was on maternity leave with DD, my boss’s husband died. I took DD (6 weeks) to the visitation because a) I had no choice really and b) I knew it would cheer my boss up. A random stranger complimented DD and how cute she was and then said, totally unprompted, “I hope you’re not working!” I had 2 more weeks of maternity leave. 😡 

dunder_mifflin

These are all so annoying but it’s also kind of funny what people say to make small talk/ just be busy bodies and be in everyone’s business.

Funny things people keep mentioning is to enjoy sleep now - but don’t rest too much. make sure I eat for two, but make sure not to eat XYZ because apparently the odd can of tuna will just be too much mucury or eat XYZ to make sure baby doesn’t have allergies (does not work like that - science), etc. it’s all fine and well-meaning so it generally doesn’t bother me but sentences that start with “you shouldn’t...” or “you should...” can be irritating.

TW- mainly so far have received just horrifying labour stories, or really sad stories of “I know someone who...” found out baby wouldn’t survive their first year after their 20 week scan, or stories of knowing someone who had a stillbirth at 30 weeks, knowing someone who had tough medical complications in pregnancy, etc. and maybe it’s because I work in Healthcare and work with a lot of nurses who often see these medical issues or outcomes objectively, but it just boggles my mind that people think it’s appropriate to share these with me. luckily I’m not a very anxious person and I can handle hearing most of what I have heard, but imagine if I had gone through something similar and people didn’t know? That would be re-traumatizing.

chichiphin

the one silver lining of my entire office knowing about my **tw** loss at 15 weeks earlier this year is that NONE of them say shit to me about this pregnancy about dos/do nots while pregnant. I can tell though that SIL and MIL will be repeat offenders about "what is best" for baby when she arrives... can't wait. The one shocking thing though thus far was my own mother judging the shit out of me for wanting to sleep train as early as feasible. She thought I was a monster for not letting baby sleep in our bed - which is INSANE because I don't have many memories of my mother being too attached to me or that way at all

stassischroeder

I've been lucky enough to not receive too many unsolicited comments during either pregnancy, but the comments once the baby is born are... fun. 

@varimama I second the "are they sleeping through the night?" question. I mostly just laughed in their faces. 

My other favorite was "is he a good baby?" Like.... what does that even mean? Yes, he's good at crying, pooping, eating, and other baby things. Or are you asking if he's an "easy" or content baby? As long as I'm continuously bouncing him on a yoga ball and don't put him down like EVER, then yes he's a "good" baby. 

treetop19

@kantobean, I got the 'when are you due?'  comments postpartum, too as a FTM.. my belly didn't deflate all that quickly and one day, I was wearing a particularly unflattering shirt.   I was attending an event to write a news story when an old man came up to me with a twinkle in his eye, and said 'I see you have something going on."  I was like.. 'excuse me?"  he pointed at my belly.  I laughed and said, 'no, she's already born, she's 2.5 months now.'   he said 'are you sure you're not?  my wife had 6 kids, I think I know a baby bump when I see one."   (yeah, guy, because I don't know if I've just had a baby or not... I can't quite recall if she's still in there)

@miss.sally, I got the misplaced 'advice' when dealing with miscarriage, too.. my least favorite had to be 'I guess it just wasn't meant to be.'  because, other people's babies were clearly 'meant to be' (like my alcoholic teenage SIL's baby)  but mine wasn't.  

@dunder_mifflin, I remember people giving me crap as a FTM too, and the 'you'd better sleep now' comment was a big one.  at the time I thought people were just being silly, but, turns out.. yeah, they were right.  lol.  my favorite one was from my friend, a 4th time mom, who said 'it's all fun and games until you go into labor. then it gets real.'  she was right too.   

I haven't gotten any unsolicited comments this time around (yet), but when pregnant with DS I heard a lot of 'it has to be a guy, you're carrying high'  and 'you're due in Feb?  it looks like you're due any minute now.'   

miss.sally

@treetop19 I got the “it wasn’t meant to be” also. Or “god will give you a baby when it’s your time”

I know people usually mean well. But ugh! 

orbmaker

To me, the most offensive comments are about my weight. Whether they're like, "Oh, you look great! You're all baby!" or my (female) nurse manager TOUCHING MY BUTT during my last pregnancy and telling me I was getting a "chunky booty" or something like that (I've luckily half-repressed this memory).

kantobean

@treetop19 ahhh that story made me cringe! Why can men be so ridiculous?

Just today a student who’s not even in my class asked “are you feeling any kicks yet?” And then rubbed my stomach. Awkward. Especially since when I do feel kicks, they’re basically like an inch above my crotch. 

stacey6689

Today I got “Your pregnant right? I didn’t want to ask but I noticed you gained weight and I was like she’s not normally that fat so I asked your friend” Omg I just can’t with people. 🙄

kagesstarshroom

Ooo I finally have one of these. We had dinner at this boomer lady's house who lives in our town and is super sweet and has been trying to get us to come over for dinner for a while now. Everything was lovely, though she's a little neurotic. Anyway, she was asking us why kept mentioning that we might be moving and I mentioned I was on the job market and she was like "but you're going to want to stay home with the baby once it's born" and started feeding me all this "the bond btw mother and baby is so strong" and "when I had my daughter, all my ivy league degrees didn't matter anymore" and "I came from a wealthy family but we lived on $600 a month" sort of crap and I am like. Lady. We need to pay our bills. We CAN'T pay our bills on one income. I'll have from when I graduate (bc as a grad student I get 0 maternity leave and have to work through all third tri/birthing/having a newborn, though my dept. is understanding and gave me jobs for next semester that will allow for that to be... possible [I hope]) so yeah, from when I graduate in May and then when the Fall semester starts I'll have just me and the baby/only gig work like editing and such but I Can't Not Work or we can't pay our bills, which we already can't pay? She just DID NOT GET THAT. At one point I was like, "okay or we just WON'T pay our bills, but I don't see how that's an option." ..... I should have just said "ok boomer." I was clearly annoyed, but way more pissed than I was giving off. 

....And like sure, I know being a mom is probably magical and it will be hard to go back to work but like... I Can't Not Work, there is no other option, and she was like "oh when the baby comes you'll see--" like, see what?! I hate that whole "you don't know yet" sort of crap. Obviously I don't know yet. But I am practical enough to know that we need to pay our bills, which is already a struggle. Blah.

silverhope

@kagesstarshroom I feel like probably 90+ % of moms work now; I can’t believe she hasn’t caught onto that. It’s definitely the norm (at least arnd here). Also I know a lot of women that *want* to go back to work after maternity leave. They are ready to get that part of their life back and enjoy it.

it’s really annoying when people can’t see others’ points of view. Not everyone is the same and feels the same about things. 

dunder_mifflin

@kagesstarshroom oh my god, that was definitely an “okay boomer” moment! Literally no concept or grasp on how things have changed between boomers and us. And how did someone used to live on $600 a month? That’s literally impossible now! Even my patients on social assistance for disability support get like $1200 and that’s NOT enough to live off. 

kantobean

@kagesstarshroom ugh that drives me crazy! I know myself and I love working. I hated when people would say stuff like this to me. I’m a better mom as a working mom. Besides, in academia you’ll have plenty of long breaks with your kid. That’s what I love about teaching. I get two months a year to experience life as a SAHM kind of. But I would not make it as a real SAHM.

kantobean

Adding:

a parent of one of my students has gotten really into rubbing my belly. It’s weird. I’ve seen her three times this week and she groped me every time. The first time she “asked permission” but didn’t even wait for me to respond before rubbing. It’s weird too, she puts her face down by my belly and it freaks me out!

kagesstarshroom

@kantobean ooo weird indeed! you should say something to her--i'm sure you would do so nicely and in a way that would help her grow from the situation. no need for you to be consistently freaked out. and thanks for weighing in about your experiences about a teacher and a working mom. i feel more validated after everyone's responses here that my frustration at her insistence was valid.

chichiphin

so i went home this weekend and took a small roller suitcase - like one that is small enough to go in an overhead bin. literally EVERYONE kept asking me if I should be lifting my bag. Mind you - I checked it... so all that was needed was getting it off the baggage claim belt & in to a trunk. Come on.

treetop19

@kantobean that is really strange!

@chichiphin, my DH gets like that sometimes, thinking pregnancy is a disability.. we needed to shovel our driveway after the latest snowstorm and he refused to let me do it, like my pregnancy was making me an invalid or something.. lol.

@kagesstarshroom, I got the same 'lecture' from my aunt when I was pregnant with my first, that I should just quit my job and be a SAHM.  Those boomers just come from a different time, I think, when it was possible to live off one income.. whereas now, most moms 'have' to work just to pay the basic bills, and they don't really get that because they never dealt with it.  I personally would have loved being a SAHM but it's never been financially possible for me.   For me it was definitely hard to go back to work after my 8 week leave was up, even though I liked my job... even only taking 8 weeks, we were a month behind in rent ( that job didn't offer any paid leave)  so I knew it was go back to work or be homeless.  lol.  but yeah, the condescending 'you'll see' attitude always annoyed me as a FTM too.  There were a lot of things that I truly didn't know, but definitely figured out right after DD was born. 

kagesstarshroom

@chichiphin This gives me hope lol when I roll my roller bag onto the plane later this month and it is way too heavy for even a non-pg me to lift that someone will just lift it for me bc I am notttt paying to check it bc I am both broke AND cheap lol and it is free to bring on the plane--largest carry-on roller suitcase allowed! I'm transferring in Atlanta, too, so this will have to happen FOUR times--twice on my way to PHL and twice on my way back to Louisiana. ...... but I am sorry everyone was annoying to you. Like, if you are not ABOUT TO lift it, they should just... not say words?

chichiphin

@kagesstarshroom oh dude for the holidays I can GUARANTEE they gate check that sucker for free lol so you won't have to lift it overhead anyway!

EmilyLove25

@miss.sally Ugh I hate when people tell you to relax and it will happen… not true for everyone, buddy.

@kailanae OMG I so agree re: the “March is SO far” or “Wow! You have a ways to go!”

@stassischroeder Lol to the good baby. I mean what the hell?

@orbmaker Yes to this. The butt grabbing is insane, but I hate when people think they are complimenting you, but they really shouldn’t be saying ANYTHING… “OMG your stomach is so big but the rest of you is so tiny!” Just don’t say a thing, folks!

AFM I haven’t really had anything this time, but with my first, when I was about 30 weeks, my mother in law said, “so have you scheduled your wax for before delivery?” I said, “what” (legitimately not knowing what she meant) and she said, “Well, you’ll get waxed down there before you deliver, right?”

W.

T.

F.

varimama

@EmilyLove25 haha I can’t believe your MIL said that! I stopped shaving around 20 weeks last time (and this time if I’m being honest) no one mentioned anything at delivery last time about me being too hairy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@kagesstarshroom yup they’ll probably just make you check it free at the gate. I’d make sure you have a small bag with anything you absolutely need, like meds, a change of clothes, etc... sometimes I’ve had them just put them on the plane so you pick it up between flight legs but other times they’ve checked it to the destination. 

@chichiphin I get so annoyed when people don’t think I should be doing normal stuff... I’m pregnant I didn’t loose my arms!

kagesstarshroom

@varimama Oh yeah, I will have my personal item as well as my carry-on, as both are free, and all the good stuff in the personal item in case @chichiphin is right--I hope you both are!! I am usually the last boarding group so as soon as they offer to check a bag under the plane for free, I go up there since there tends not to be room when the last boarding group boards. But it's a good reminder to make sure I've got all the stuff I "need" in that personal item. Thanksss.

kantobean

@EmilyLove25 wtf to getting waxed at 9 months pregnant?! Hell no. Besides, I’m pretty sure anybody who’s delivering baby has seen it all and will not mind a bit of...natural overgrowth...lol. It’s got to be the last thing on their minds. 

@treetop19 oh I would totally use pregnancy to get out of shoveling. We had to rake leaves this weekend and I made a deal with H that I would rake them into piles if he would bag them. My pregnant butt just could not deal with bending over 3695 times to pick up leaves.

chichiphin

@EmilyLove25 omg I would be mortified if my MIL asked me that. I attempted a wax at about 11 weeks this pregnancy to see if I could stomach it and I stopped her after one strip. I could NOT imagine a wax at 30 weeks. 

stassischroeder

@EmilyLove25 @kantobean @chichiphin ... I got a Brazilian wax at 38+ weeks last time    I was getting waxed monthly, so I was just lucky that it fell a week before I delivered. Having said that, there are ZERO people who are involved with your labor and delivery who give any f*cks if you have hair or not. And I absolutely cannot understand people who would be brave enough to ask me about my pubic hair. EVER. Let alone when pregnant. Let alone your MIL!

mommyxthree2020

So I have a WONDERFUL family and support system, and thankfully no one really says anything annoying very often. 

HOWEVER. I got to my parent's house the other night for dinner and my dad says "Hey, Chunky!"....to which I said "Rude!" and he goes "Most pregnant women would LOVE that compliment!"

WHAT?! Hahahaha I can't. I love him dearly. He is so so so silly. SO SILLY. 

EmilyLove25

@mommyxthree2020 I have NEVER met a woman--in any state--who would like to be called Chunky hahahaha

mommyxthree2020

@EmilyLove25 RIGHT?! I seriously couldn't even have a conversation with him about it because I was so appalled at him lol. Like, your wife had SIX CHILDREN and I'm 100% sure she would not have enjoyed that comment lmao

mommyxthree2020

@chichiphin I HATE when people treat me like I'm incapable of living lmao. Like, if I need help I'll ask. I won't shovel or lift heavy stuff. But I for SURE can pick up my purse or push my grocery cart. My sister always criticizes me for "endangering the baby" if I do literally anything.