BTDT - Questions for STM+s/Advice to FTMs

Kathryn0903

Saw this on the May board. Thought it could be useful for the FTMs here.

Being a FTM can be overwhelming. If you have questions for STM's, ask away! Also feel free to give FTMs any advice!

babyrummom

When did you all first feel your baby move when you were pregnant with your first?

Kathryn0903

@babyrummom a few weeks before 20 weeks. At first, I wasn't sure, but once I was feeling the same things for awhile, I knew it was baby.

coaster102516

I started feeling my first around 17 weeks but not from the outside until around 20. 

mercury94

I feel like I felt my first closer to 20 weeks. It was pretty late. 

literatureandink

How excruciatingly horrible is birth...and how messy...and did you poop...and did you tear??

peonyblossom12

@literatureandink, I had IV pain meds at first with my first and felt all the pain but loopy and hated it, I ended up getting an epidural (I had always planned on one). With my second I went straight for the epi and only got it when I did because the doctor was on floor doing someone elses. I had prgressed to 6-7 on my own both times. I can't speak to going the whole way without intervention, I was started on Pitocin as soon as I checked in because dispite my water breaking at home I was not having any contractions.
I've never pooped during delivery, and if you do you won't be the first or the last. Don't sweat it.
My first I had to be cut, her cord was wrapped and not allowing her to descend so my OB had to cut the cord before she was actually out. With my second I tore because she came so fast, but recovery was no big deal.

Kathryn0903

@literatureandink birth itself wasn't horrible. I was induced and had the epidural pretty much immediately, so I really didn't feel much. No pooping and only a small tear. I honestly thought recovery was worse with dealing with a spinal headache from the epidural(very rare) and having major constipation along with bp issues.

kfs2016

@literatureandink Your question just made me really think back on my DD's birth and it's such a special memory. I did a natural hospital birth and there were definitely a few hours towards the end that were pretty painful. When I reached the point of asking for meds I was transitioning and almost ready to push. For me I struggled more with the length (19 hours) than the pain. I was just so tired and hungry. I'm not gonna lie the contractions are intense and painful, but given the right state of mind along with different positions you get though it.

I honestly could not lay in bed during a contraction it was way more painful. I spent my time in the tub or on the yoga ball. Also one tip I got from the triage nurse was to wiggle my toes during contractions as it helps you not to tense up...that was huge! It gave me something to focus on and something to physically do to distract me. 

I did poop, but I didn't really know. They clean it up so fast it's like it never happened. Kinda embarrassing when I think back, but at the time I could care less. I wanted to be done. 

No tearing, but the midwife was definitely helping stretch things slowly during the pushing and my DD had a little head!

I use to think I was more scared going into the 2nd birth because I knew what was coming,  but honestly entering my 2nd trimester and finally getting over the morning sickness I feeling much more confident and ready for this birth. These last 2 months of 24 hour nausea and vomiting are 100 times worse than giving birth!

Sorry for the novel, my daughter turned 3 yesterday and my husband and have been reminiscing about her birth lately!  

nicoleyolee

Are there any baby items you would NOT recommend buying second hand?? 

mercury94

@literatureandink Reader’s Digest version. Pretty sure I pooped. DH basically refuses to confirm. With the epidural, I could still feel some of it, but honestly, I was so relieved after 36 hours of labor to be pushing the baby out that I don’t remember that part being too bad. I had 3 tears. One second degree. The one on my clitoris hurt the worst. But, I felt okay after a week or two. The bleeding stopped at about 3 weeks. 

@nicoleyolee Don’t buy the car seat second hand. They expire. Plus, they shouldn’t be used again if they’ve been in a wreck. I did accept a car seat from my brother, but I know it’s not expired and has not been in an accident. If you get a breast pump secondhand, you have to replace all the tubing, etc., so not sure it saves much money. I know most American insurance companies cover a new breast pump. We skipped the wipe warmer altogether and I almost never used the bottle warmer. DS didn’t mind room temperature formula. 

smallbutmighty77

@literatureandink 40hrs from the time the contractions were close together and intense to the time the doctor decided she wasnt coming on her own and we went c section. 
I was home for the first 12hrs, my epidural failed at the hospital and my pitocin to progress disconnected from the iv and soaked my bed instead. 
But once the drugs did kick in for the c section I was fine but I did get super nauseous during both and threw up during my second c section and it sucked!! The drugs also knock me out for like 3 hrs after.

KFrob

@literatureandink Labor to me is a very strange sensation.  It's pain, but like weird pain.  The worst part of it for me wasn't even just the pain it was this weird urge to do something but I didn't know what.  Like, I didn't want to sit down, I didn't want to stand up, I didn't want to walk, I didn't want to sit still or move.  I totally get why laboring animals pace around.  I'm team epidural all the way.  I was the crazy screaming lady like they depict on TV.  I probably scared all the other moms.  I was so calm and relaxed after the epi kicked in.  Also!  If you feel like your epi is only on one side, or not completely working tell them.  The anesthesiologist will fix it.  I don't think I pooped with either kid but that's b/c when I first start to labor I poop 426 times so I'm on empty.  

edit to add I didn't tear with either kid, for some reason I felt like I recovered faster with DD2, maybe since labor was shorter and there was less pushing?

babybison

@literatureandink From what I read on the internet, and from ladies on the bump, and movies and TV I was totally expecting the start of labor to be VERY clear. In tv/movies, your water breaks (mine did not) and the forums all said labor cramps are not like Braxton Hicks and you will notice a difference (I did not).
My labor for the first 6 hours or so was not even as bad as the period cramps I got in high school. The found out I was in labor at my regularly scheduled OB appointment.

coaster102516

@literatureandink ummm haha my first birth was perfect and my second was very painful. With my first, epidural worked perfectly, 13 hours from the time labor started to time baby was born, no tearing and did not poop. With my second. I had a botched epidural (happens to like 1% of women) and gave birth naturally. My labor was shorter and went from 6 to 10 in 20 min and she was out 10 min later. The pain was unreal but nothing compared to the spinal headache I got from the botched epidural. I tore but minimal and did poop. They are very discreet though and MH had to tell me. Honestly, you just never know how it is is going to go. 

I’m still on the fence about an epidural with number three. 

emsned

@babyrummom I started feeling the baby move regularly around 17 weeks but couldn’t feel it on the outside or show my husband until 25 weeks.

@literatureandink  I was not prepared for how gross and painful birth would be, but I want to mention it all immediately went away as soon as the baby was out. Nothing else even mattered. 
I had a bad experience with my epidural with my first and experienced severe back pain for several months afterwards, and it wasn’t worth it because it didn’t help. I pushed for 90 minutes after getting to 10 cm and she finally came out. I did tear due to pushing for so long but it healed easily. I also pooped because, yeah, I was pushing as hard as I could for 90 minutes. But they took it away so fast I wouldn’t have even known if my husband didn’t tell me. 
With my second I went natural, pushed twice, he came right out, small superficial tear and no poop. 
Every birth is different and it is painful, but you have immediate relief when you see/hold your baby. 

babybison

Third+ time moms... I heard the post partum recovery/cramps get worse with each kid. Have you guys experienced that?

KFrob

@babybison I also didn't know I was in labor with my first!  It felt like such a super slow build up.  Also, I didn't really notice the cramps being worse but I definitely bled longer.  My OB said you will bleed longer with each kid too.

smallbutmighty77

@babybison I had 2 c sections so I can't say but I was way less swollen the second time. I think though bc my son had so many issues, I just pushed through everything and forgot I had just had surgery too, so mom brain and adrenaline is real. Hoping this time around I can be in a better happier calmer state and heal a bit myself.

Kathryn0903

@babybison I'm so afraid of not knowing I'm in labor. I was induced with my first and had an epidural almost immediately, so I'm scared of going into labor on my own.

aresee

@Kathryn0903 I'm really nervous about that too. My water broke last time when my husband and I were both home, and I didn't start contractions until they induced me at the hospital. It all felt so leisurely (I mean, until the contractions...). I'm nervous about how it's going to go this time, especially if I'm home on my own with my son.

literatureandink

Do you guys think it would be helpful for this post to have a sticky so more questions can be asked/answered as we go?

mercury94

@literatureandink I was just thinking that. I imagine FTMs will have more questions when we get closer. I know I did. 

mercury94

@babybison I went in once last time and got sent back. I was having regular contractions and I felt like my water was leaking. They did some test and said the water wasn’t leaking and I was only at 1, so they sent me home. When I went back 3 days later, I was still having regular contractions and they had gotten stronger. They almost sent me home again, but the baby’s heartbeat was decelerating. So, they did an US to check fluid and it was low. They admitted me and started pitocin the next morning. It was kind of scary, because I knew something was going on and they kind of made me feel like I was crazy when I went to check if I was leaking. I almost didn’t go in when the contractions got stronger because I thought they would just send me home again, but I’m glad I did or I wouldn’t have known the fluid was low. I think that’s where you don’t know if you’re in labor. I had regular contractions for days before they induced, but they weren’t that strong, so I really didn’t know if I was in labor. Now I know that I can just go in if I think something is wrong. The worst thing that happens is they send you home and you get a bill. 

emsned

@babybison the cramps/contractions to shrink my uterus after my second was definitely worse, and I bled longer. But the rest of the recovery was actually easier because I didn’t push for as long or have as bad of a tear as the first time. 

literatureandink

@BumpAdmin may we please get a sticky for this post?

ohemgee-2

@Kathryn0903 I, too, am terrified of going into labour myself. I was induced with my first, and start to finish it was 3 hours with no time for an Epi. I’ll never forget the dr who delivered saying “I hate to see how fast your second is going to come”. I already asked my OB to induce me so I don’t have a baby at home/in car. He said as long as everything is fine (ie:blood pressure) he won’t induce, but will watch me carefully.  I’m pretty sure the stress and anticipation of getting close to my due date and worrying about labour will make my blood pressure high... 

Kathryn0903

Maybe a question for TTMs. Did anyone have preeclampsia their 1st pregnancy? Based on that, did you have any extra monitoring your 2nd pregnancy?

Kathryn0903

Edited to add advice for FTMs!

literatureandink

Thank you @Kathryn0903

mercury94

My go to piece of advice for FTMs:

No one knows what they’re doing. That’s the big secret of parenting. We all just make it up and see what works. So, don’t freak out if you’ve never changed a poopy diaper or dealt with a toddler meltdown. You just fake it until you figure out what works for your kid. 

Kathryn0903

I agree with @mercury94. I had never changed a diaper before having DS. I'm learning as I go.

literatureandink

What was it like learning to deal with hours of crying and lack of sleep? I worry about that most of all.

tfor2

@mercury94 I definitely need to keep reminding myself of this! It's so easy to find myself getting overwhelmed about everything I don't know yet or can't plan for etc.

babybison

@mercury94 is right on target. 
And those Instagram parents aren't like that 100% of the time either. Instagram and Facebook are the highlight reels of their lives, not the everyday.

@literatureandink For me the crying wasn't too bad, luckily my kid didn't have colic. But the lack of sleep really was hard. I was breastfeeding, so I was up to feed him basically 2 hours after he started the previous feeding. And that feeding took 45 minutes. And I have no advice but can't wait to hear what others say!

One thing I remember the nurses saying is that if your baby is crying and you've checked that s/he's fed, and doesn't need a diaper change, and isn't hurt anywhere, it's ok to put the baby down in a safe place and leave the room for a few moments. You're not a bad person if you need some time away from the crying, and your baby is ok. 

kerriann0o114

@literatureandink it wasn't easy, but you just get through it. Some once told me that I would not believe how little sleep I could function on...and they were right. DD was a horrible sleeper until she was about 1.5-2. Now I look back and wonder how I did it, and how I'm gonna do it again. In the early days, I took the advice of "sleep when the baby sleeps." When she napped, so did I. Not sure how I'll pull that off this time around. I can't exactly tell DD to peace out while I nap when the baby is sleeping. 

doraleigh35

@literatureandink I had terrible 3rd Trimester insomnia and I swear that helped me get used to the lack of sleep. DD's first two weeks were spent in the NICU which meant I got zero sleep. I was able to stay in a parent room, but I had to go feed her every 3 hours which consisted of 45mins of trying to BF and then pumping, sleeping for an hour and 1/2 before having to get up and do it all over again. It was so much better once we were home on our own schedule. I just kind of figured it out and it really only seemed rough for a few weeks. I took lots of naps when she did and basically did what I had to, to survive those first two months. She was a pretty good sleeper so I can't really complain.

mercury94

@literatureandink I don’t even remember how I adjusted to it. I just did. There was no choice. One thing that helped me was that DS was in bottles as he refused the boob from the start. That means that DH and I were able to switch off nights once I went back to work. I’m not advocating for formula. Just thinking that, if possible, you might want to have bottled breast milk on hand for the nights when you really need YH to help. 

Kathryn0903

Agree with @mercury94 that having a baby on bottles helps. We formula fed from the start, so DH and I took turns with night feedings. In the beginning when baby was up multiple times, it helped taking turns. Also, when you're so sleep deprived at first, it helps to have something to do while feeding baby whether it be reading or Netflix.

emsned

Being on this app actually helped me stay awake during the night feedings. I use to read through the BMBs at night and then google any questions I had about babies. 
I also found it to be really important to let DH watch the baby or leave the baby in the crib while I showered. Feeling clean and human went a long way for my mental health while living on no sleep. 

babybison

I remember feeling really lonely. When we had visitors, or our moms over to help, I nursed upstairs in the nursery. Between that and being up by myself at night was just spending too much time alone. But like @Kathryn0903 said, I got Netflix on our tablet and it was much better after that. I think I watched the whole series of Downton Abbey in a couple weeks.