Working Moms w/o 6/17 — The Bump
December 2019 Moms

Working Moms w/o 6/17

mrszoobearmrszoobear
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edited June 18 in December 2019 Moms
I thought it would be nice to have a place to rant or rave about work. 

For example I'm very over work right now. My one co worker (who is in the same office space as me) is being hella loud and rude all the time, our company software system is constantly messing up, inventory is at the end of the month. On top of all this I am completely slammed with work because I missed 3 days last week due to being sick from pregnancy symptoms. Ugh. I just don't want to have to deal with any of it but naturally cannot afford to quit before or after pregnancy. 

Re: Working Moms w/o 6/17

  • @mrszoobear this is a good thread idea.  It stinks what you're going through. I've found myself much more irritable during pregnancy and coworkers have been driving me crazy more than usual lately, too!
    I'd love to chat with others about day care plans.  It's a huge source of anxiety for me and I'm already dreading leaving my little one to go back to work!  
    Does anyone have thoughts about home-based vs center-based daycares?  What about choosing a place that is convenient to work vs convenient to home?  (My home and work are about 20 min drive apart.)
    Where I live, every day care already has a waiting list for winter, so while I'd like to have it all settled, that doesn't seem to be a possibility.  😣
    mrszoobear
  • We are  going to use a day care near to home.  We just got on the list for it.  I'm going back to work after 6 weeks but dad will stay at home from weeks 6-12 while I go back to work. 

    I have a terrific job,  but I'm very very burnt out from being the primary earner and I'm eagerly saving for early retirement. 
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  • Anyone in the group own their own business? I really won’t have a maternity leave. Sigh. There are just too many things that only I can do - payroll, taxes, all the brick & mortar expenses with the office. 
  • cpk3535cpk3535
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    edited June 18
    I posted this on a random thread, but this seems like a good spot...  Is anybody toying with switching jobs now?  I’ve shared some background (work with my family, not paid well, thankless, stressful, not our passion) and I think both my husband and I are really ready to jump ship.  Our plan would likely be to sell our current home, and purchase a condo or home in the area we want to return to (giving us a bit of savings to work with), and just start over down there.  Honestly, finding jobs that pay what we make right now would not be hard at all, and we really want to have more independent jobs anyway, so this would really just be a stepping stone toward employment independence.  Any stories or ideas to share?  

    On a side note, one of the reasons I’m trying to be my own boss is because of my health issues with epilepsy.  I’ve lost my driving privileges twice, and sometimes have to take a few days off from driving for precautionary reasons, so being on a regular work schedule is pretty difficult for me. 
    mrszoobear
  • @anniemarie887 @cpk3535 I've been working freelance in the film/tv industry for over a decade now. So I also don't have any sort of maternity leave usually. I'm in the process of trying to get a full-time position right now for the next 5 or 6 months, explicitly so I can bank insurable hours and get government maternity leave (thank you Canada!) but it's even more stressful than job-hunting normally is because I'm worrying about being hired before it becomes visibly obvious that I'm pregnant. 
    me: 37, Ontario, audio editor
    Big Brother Asher, June 2017


    cpk3535mrszoobear
  • Like my job, but hate that maternity leave here is unpaid, especially considering we are a MEDICAL GROUP. My last job was in the academic field (did marketing for a university), we at least got 60% pay. My direct supervisor is great, but HR keeps hinting that they only want me to take 8 weeks. Legally though, I know I'm entitled to 12. Going to ask my doc to put me in for 12 closer to the date.

    Sort of wish we lived in Canada, lol.

    Honestly, hoping maybe my books take off and for the next kid, I don't have to work for a company and can just be a stay-at-home author, haha.
    mrszoobear
  • @blueskychicago12 Personally, I'm not a fan of at home daycares. I know everyone has their preference, but I feel like there's more accountability and safety nets with regular daycares. But I understand the waitlist thing--I called around to probably a dozen daycares before even visiting, just to see if they were worth my time because of waitlists specifically. Narrowed down to 4. And of the 4, only two had availability by the time I actually got to the scheduled visit. The other 2 had waitlists again by the time I visited, they were snatched up that quickly. 
  • cpk3535cpk3535
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    @CapricaAndrea it’s funny that you mention the film and television industry- that’s actually what we came from before moving back to my parents’ business.  That was my worry, too, was that my schedule would be too unruly for kids, but looking back now, I think we could have made it work.  I’ve got plenty of friends who continue to work in entertainment and now have children and seem to be doing just as well as us (if not better, haha).  I’m also a health and wellness teacher/coach, so I want to diversify my job options.  I might be doing a few different things to start with until one really takes off.  

    @rjgmcmanus I believe you could be an author- don’t doubt yourself.  One of the plethora of projects DH and I are working on is screenwriting a pilot, and honestly, I think it could be one of the most successful possibilities we have on the table at the moment!
    CapricaAndrearjgmcmanus
  • jandawgjandawg
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    @anniemarie887 I am a co-founder of my own business and I also work in theatre. I'm feeling a little lost because I'm not really sure what my work life is going to look like once the baby is born. I made a switch in my theatre career to be more focused on the creative side (and to get away from the awful hours required to stage manager) and I have a couple of freelance jobs lined up that will take me to November. 

    @CapricaAndrea - I too am looking for a full time position to qualify for mat leave. That's gonna make a huge difference on what 2020 looks like. DH won't qualify for benefits as a co-founder either. 

    @blueskychicago12 Emily Oster's book Cribsheet has a whole section on how to make decisions between care options and the data of what we know about the outcomes (though I think the major choice she identifies is between nanny vs daycare).
    CapricaAndrea
  • @cpk3535 Thank you. 😊 It's something I've always wanted and now that I'm on the verge, it's both awesome and scary. It actually seems like it could be real, which is surreal in and of itself. And that's awesome about your pilot! You'll have to let us know how it goes!
  • Definitely happy to be Canadian when it comes to maternity leave!  I’ll be taking 18 months off; with 12 months paid at 97% of my salary spread out over that period. After that, my plan is to take at least two or three years off unpaid, or until this baby is in kindergarten. 

    Very cool that some some of you are in the film industry!  

    @cpk3535 I hope you and DH can find some that makes you happy. I switched jobs a couple of months ago, but my hiring manager knew I was pregnant, and it was within the same government department. 


    CapricaAndreaninrms
  • I got a job offer that I accepted 4 days before my positive test.  I still have not told my new employer and I have a lot of guilt and shame about the timing of this pregnancy due to that.  I'm talking with a counselor about this on Thursday.  Though I'm starting to see that maybe it'll be ok.

    I also, simply, just don't want to be a full time parent.  I don't want to be a full time anything!  :D 

    I have a few friends who successfully found new employment while visibly pregnant.  One gave birth about 6 wks after starting the job. 

    CapricaAndrearjgmcmanusmrszoobear
  • @bakerstreetboys Ummm, that's amazing. I told my husband that if it weren't for the fact that he's military, I'd be pretty much insisting we figure out a way to move to Canada. 

    America is great in so many ways...but maternity leave is one way where we basically suck.
    bakerstreetboysmrszoobear
  • Kudos to those of you looking while pregnant and it can totally be done. I just had a friend who did this 5 months pregnant and negotiated all of the things she wanted as part of her package. She was up front and honest in the process that she was pregnant.

    Looking for something else isn't and option for me, and not something I'm interested in. Thankfully with the business I have, income will still come in while I'm out. What I mean by not getting a maternity leave is that I will legitimately still have work to do. There is no out of office, have someone fill in for me for 12 weeks kind of deal sadly. Thankfully most of what will need to be done can be done remotely at home. I lost an employee and thankfully hired two new employees right as I found out so that the office stays operational and my main, longest tenured employee isn't burned out. The perk of my scenario is that once I am feeling ready, baby will come to work with me. Mentally working through what that looks like for a few months and then my parents aiding with childcare so I can add in two more office days.

  • ashorkeyashorkey
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    Our daycare is kind of a combination of in-home and center. She runs the daycare out of her basement, but is fully licensed and has the basement done up like a preschool center with different stations and rooms. One thing that we really like about it is that all the kids are together still like in-home with the older kids breaking out for pre-school time. Our daughter was able to be around older kids when she was a baby, and now she gets to "help" with the babies. We also live in a weird location so we don't have any daycares really near our home so she's closer to work... but we did also live closer to the daycare when we initially started at it. 

    I swear no one in my office has speakerphone/conference call courtesy. There are 4 of us in our office and 3 are doing a training together. Each week (Tuesday mornings) they hop on a conference call together in one of the offices. They turn the phone up to 11 and then sit as far away as possible from it so they have to yell to be heard. This week they left the office door open on top of it! come on have some brains! 
    blueskychicago12
  • Annie, are you a sole proprietor or other entity? I own my own business but it’s a corporation so technically I’m in payroll like everyone else. I get to take government maternity leave, but really all that means is I’ll get money from the state rather than my own company for a few months. But I’m pretty sure I’ll be texting with my staff while in labor!!

    Im nervous about what life is going to look like after baby too in terms of work. I moved to Toronto (to be with my husband) but the company is in California. Right now I go back once a month but I won’t be able to for long. And we just expanded.

    Luckily since my husband is Canadian and works for a Canadian company he gets to take the leave for the baby. But I don’t think he’s going to take more than a couple month 
  • @bicoastalmama sole prop, and in Maryland there is no govt funded maternity leave to pay in. California has some pretty unique labor laws. 
  • I love this thread. I was just talking with a coworker today about how long I was going to take for maternity leave. I’ve not even thought about it. I took 10 weeks with my daughter (6 wk STD, 4 wk vacation) and am considering doing the same this time around, though the full 12 weeks I can take through FMLA would be nice.

    I’m conflicted because I don’t want to fall behind on things at work and the longer you’re gone, the harder it is to come back. The plus side is that I should be out all of December and things slow way down during the holidays, so I’d hopefully not miss too much. My coworker who would be covering for me is newer to the department (been there a year) and just doesn’t have the experience and expertise yet for the role. In fairness, she was put there during a re-org and those that had the tenure and experience I have, left the company.
    mrszoobearblueskychicago12
  • @bakerstreetboys - My jealousy over Canadian maternity leave is so real. I work for a big corporation with shareholders demanding constant revenue increases. They dont offer one single day of maternity leave. 

    On the day care note:

    My cousin had one of those nightmare situations. Their 9 month old died at the daycare. Autopsy results were inconclusive. So I refuse to use them. I don't say this to scare anyone else, it's just the reason I can't. 

    The bigger problem is I still have to work! My husband has Monday's off, my aunt has Fridays off and I have the weekend. If my employer is willing to give me Wednesday's off I can probably swing hiring a nanny for Tuesday and Thursday. But if not, I'm going to have to look into other options. 

    I'm already stressing about taking the 12 weeks off with only STD to help me out.
    blueskychicago12
  • I've heard day care horror stories too, but I literally have no other choice since my husband and I have to work full time 5 days, we have no family nearby to help us, and hiring a full time nanny would bankrupt us.  I also know someone whose baby died of SIDS at home with a nanny, so you can scare yourself with whatever route you choose.  
    My best friend is a stay at home mom and was up in arms lately about, "should I send my 3 year old to preschool 2 days a week or will she miss me too much". I secretly resent her when I think about having to drop off my 3 month old for 9 hours a day.
    rjgmcmanusmrszoobearbookworm492
  • @blueskychicago12 Ugh. We're in the same boat. I work 5 days a week, he's Navy and if he's not in the office, he's traveling. Our nearest family member is 4 hours away, so that's not an option. We basically checked all the reviews and reports, and then narrowed from there. And I just plain don't trust just one person home alone with my child. I hate it, but it's necessary. My only consolation is that we're military, so we're eligible for some assistance, which will make it less difficult. But emotionally, it's still rough.

    Working on editing these books, and then onto submission...and praying someone likes them and wants to publish them and they take off so at least for the next kid, we don't have to deal with daycare and I don't have to deal with an actual job and I can just be on my own schedule, happily writing away and still earning a living, lol.
    mrszoobearblueskychicago12ninrms
  • @blueskychicago12 - Yeah, it is scary all around. We are in the same boat with parents and grandparents living far away. A couple girls I used to babysit are now 19 and out of high school. I'm thinking about having one or both come help me when I'm on maternity leave to see if I am comfortable with them watching the baby. Their parents are family friends and I feel more comfortable with that then a stranger. 

    I'm sorry you have to hear about your friends stay at home mom struggles. I would be jealous too. I have similar feelings towards my boss. His wife is a SAHM and just had there second baby. Despite the fact that my job could 100% be done from home, he refuses to let me do it because it's not "company policy."

    @rjgmcmanus - Good luck with the book! I read a lot of kindle unlimited and there are some great authors who started out writing just because it was there dream job. If nothing else you are putting yourself out there and I feel like that is always a good thing.

    I'm also glad you can get some assistance. We are stuck in the middle where we make too much money for childcare assistance if I keep my job but would qualify if I wasn't working. But if I'm not working I dont need childcare! Grrr. We couldn't afford more than two days of childcare a week or it would make just as much sense for me to quit my job. If my work doesn't work with me as far as days/hours/at home work after the baby, it might come to that. We would have to scale back on so much though.
    rjgmcmanusblueskychicago12
  • rjgmcmanusrjgmcmanus
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    edited June 19
    @mrszoobear That's insane, and I feel like I've heard that story from so many friends--if they work, they make too much money for assistance, but if they don't work, they'd qualify, but then WHY would they need childcare? I feel like it puts so many families in a tight spot unnecessarily.

    We almost thought we'd be in that same predicament until one of our Navy wife friends told us about the supplement program. She said that for officers' families, which we are and which she is, so she knows how it works, they typically cover one week of the month--which is a HUGE deal when a full month without assistance would be over a grand. That knocks it into the $750ish range per month. I guess enlisted get more coverage, but that makes sense, since they're not earning as much as officers. Unfortunately, there is a wait list for assistance, but we applied early enough that we should see it by the time baby comes around. We're also lucky to live in a military-friendly city, so our particular daycare that we're currently registered for offers a 5% military discount on top of the assistance program.

    But yeah. Before I knew about all this, there were some serious thoughts about me maybe only working part-time. Daycare is no joke.
    mrszoobearblueskychicago12
  • Anyone have experience or concerns with pumping after returning to work? I'm trying to read up my rights because I'm already a little stressed about it.  I'm a special ed teacher of a self-contained class, and my students are with me all day (no planning periods).  I do have classroom aides, so it would be feasible to slip away a few times a day, but I'm also hoping no one gives me a hard time about getting "extra breaks".  I know there are laws to protect pumping in the workplace, but I also know that sometimes a lack of support from bosses/co-workers can make things very difficult.
    mrszoobear
  • rjgmcmanusrjgmcmanus
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    edited June 21
    @blueskychicago12 I'm trying to figure that out too...not so much the rights part, I'm not worried about that, we have a pretty good culture at work. But more the physically WHERE part. I hate the idea of using a bathroom, it seems so gross. We work mostly in cubes, and the few offices have huge glass windows looking in from the halls. But, since I work for a physician group, we do have exam rooms in the building as well, so worst case scenario, I lock myself one for a bit...but I don't know how to go about getting permission for that, or how that will work on busy days. 
    mrszoobear
  • @rjgmcmanus I’m a writer too! How cool. :) Is this your first baby?
    rjgmcmanus
  • @knottie120a516c3695a7f6 It is! We're completely elated and totally nervous all at once, haha. You?
  • This might be an Unpopular opinion but I'm planning to formula feed when I go back to work after 6ish wks. 

    My reasons:
    - I'm struggling with my mental health already and the extra pressure to breastfeed "right" I think will be triggering for me. I also want to be able to focus on work while at work and not stress

    - dad wants to help take night shifts and feeds as well.  Yes,  I could pump but see first bullet point. 

    -I read a lot about if formula is detrimental to the baby and from what I've read,  not much.  It is worth the tradeoff for our family

    - our daycare cost includes the cost of formula while baby is there 

    - we can afford the cost of formula during this time
    rjgmcmanusCapricaAndreaninrms
  • @bookworm492 - There is nothing wrong with formula feeding. I hate that we live in a culture that shames moms for not breastfeeding but also doesn't want to see anyone breastfeeding. It's a huge double standard. 

    You need to do what is right for you and your family. Your baby is going to get the nutrition they need either way. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for that.

    I do plan on breastfeeding as long as I can stand to pump at work. But this is my first baby, for all I know I might not be able to breastfeed. Not everyone can physically and emotionally. And that is perfectly okay.
    bookworm492rjgmcmanusCapricaAndreaninrms
  • @bookworm492 Girl, you do you. I think you're doing what's best for your family, and that's what's most important. Personally, I'm going to try to breastfeed for a bit even after going back to work, but I also know some women who have had a difficult time doing so, and if that happens to me, no worries, onto formula. But I've also made it loud and clear that the second the kid cuts his first tooth, breastfeeding is being cut off, because that sounds painful and is not something I want to experience. That's been an unpopular opinion when I've told some other people about it, because they're appalled that I won't go the first full year of baby's life. But ultimately, it's what's best for the immediate family and baby, NOT what other people think. I think your plan is perfect for you.
    mrszoobearbookworm492ninrms
  • mrszoobearmrszoobear
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    edited June 21
    I had a conversation with my GM and our HR dept. They still refuse to let me work from home even 3 days a week (dramatic eye roll). But they did say I could work 9 hour days Mon,Tues,Thur & Friday while taking Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday off.

    That is really good news! The hubby has Monday's off and my aunt who is willing to watch the baby has Friday's off. That means we will only have to cover 2 days of a nanny. Thank goodness! 

    If I ever find a company with a similar position that is willing to let me work from home, then I would take it in a heartbeat. 
    rjgmcmanusbookworm492ninrms
  • @mrszoobear That's great news! I know it wasn't exactly what you wanted, but I'm happy that it's working out for you! That'll make life so much easier.
    mrszoobear
  • I don't get why employers are so hesitant to allow telecommuting.  It's so easy these days to track productivity.  Those who take advantage can get caught pretty easily. 
    rjgmcmanus
  • @rjgmcmanus STM here! I just wanted to give you some peace of mind about baby teeth and nursing. My 1st started cutting teeth at 3.5mo. She had 4 teeth by 5mo and there was zero affect to our nursing. I was able to nurse her without issue for many many months. She self-weaned right before her 2nd bday. The FEW times she accidentally bit me I let her know that it wasn’t ok, and honestly, she only did that when she was falling asleep at the breast. So I made sure to pay better attention and get her off the breast when I could see she was getting tired! 
    rjgmcmanusCapricaAndrea
  • @rjgmcmanus - Thanks girl! It wasn't the best possible outcome but also not the worst. So I'm pretty happy. 

    @bookworm492 - Thanks, I agree. I wish it were different and maybe one day he will change his mind.
    rjgmcmanus
  • @bookworm492 No judgement from me at all.  I may not breastfeed long myself, depending on how it goes.  I'll probably play it by ear and see what works best for us. 
    @mrszoobear that's good news that you'll be able to take Wednesdays off.  At least they were willing to work with you in that regard.
    mrszoobear
  • ashorkeyashorkey
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    @rjgmcmanus talk to your HR, they are the ones that will most likely be over finding a place for you to pump. It is illegal for them to make you pump in a bathroom! I also encourage you ask if they could provide a mini fridge if possible so you don’t have to worry about their being enough space in the shared fridge. 

    I also second what @triwellnessgirl said about the biting. My daughter only bit a couple of times and when she did I yelped. She got the point quickly as it scared her - she’s also always been very sensitive. She did go through a phase of pretending like she was going to bite but wouldn’t actually because she thought it was funny.  She was around 1 when that happened if I remember correctly. 
    rjgmcmanusmrszoobeartriwellnessgirl
  • @ashorkey - Yes, logically I know that I am by no means an old mom. I'm also super aware that it has a lot to do with the type of place I live. Originally, my husband and I were planning to have our baby around age 30 but life happens and you roll with it.

    I have always been more in line with your average city thinking while living in farm country. I wouldn't give up living here for anything. I love my small town (its why I never left). I love that everyone knows everyone, I love that if I need some urgently after the hardware store closes I can call Jim and he will open it up just to help me get my water heater fixed, and I love knowing the girls I went to high school with will be the same people cutting my hair or teaching my daughter in 2nd grade.

    But it does have the common drawbacks of most small towns. Small mindedness, everyone knows your business and everyone has a loud opinion on what you should do and when you should do it.
  • cpk3535cpk3535
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    edited June 23
    I also agree with the biting comments from @triwellnessgirl and @ashorkey- I nursed my daughter until she was about 2 1/2 (very infrequently at the end) and she was great about not biting except when falling asleep sometimes.  Overall, not a high risk as far as I experienced.  

    But I also agree that doing whatever works best for you is the way to go.  I know several moms who said that nursing was too painful in the beginning for them to get over, or my SIL said her nipples were too large for the baby to latch and stopped trying after the first few attempts.  I was fortunate to have my baby nearby me when she needed to eat.  If I had had to rely on pumping, it didn’t work well for me, and I frequently got very little out when I tried it.  Who knows?  Just listen to yourself on this one ❤️
    rjgmcmanustriwellnessgirl
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