Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

First Time Loss

I'm coming to you from the December mom month club. I had my first bfp on 3/25. My doctor said he wouldn't see me until after 10 weeks. I went in and saw him two weeks ago and he thought he heard a heartbeat but couldn't find it for us to listen to. He seemed to think everything was going ok. I went in today for my first ultrasound. They told me the baby stopped growing at around 7 weeks and it is a miscarriage. I started cramping a bit yesterday and worse today. I'm starting to spot a bit but it's mostly brown still. 

I'm 31 and this is my first pregnancy. I'm pretty upset because we told our families on Mother's Day. I wanted to keep it a secret until after we had a doctor's appointment to make sure everything was ok and I thought it was after the 10 week appointment. I am frustrated the doctor didn't do an ultrasound when he couldn't find the heartbeat so I wouldn't have told everyone and spend the last several weeks not knowing. 

I'm not really sure what to expect from this point on physically or emotionally beyond what my first few initial google searches are coming up with. We had a party planned for June 1st to announce it to our friends and now this feels really awkward. I also told my coworkers and don't look forward to telling them otherwise. I'm actually switching jobs after this coming week so might just lie this week-- easier than letting them know and going through that roller coaster of emotions in front of them.

I'm going to read these threads and see what everyone else has been through and hopefully find some companionship and guidance. I'm mostly worried about my husband. I know he's hurting event though he's trying to put on a rough exterior. If you've had a miscarriage in the past, how soon did you start trying after? Were you successful? Any tips on dealing with disappointed family or loved ones when you have to "untell" people? 

Re: First Time Loss

  • Update: My husband went out for the night because he had made other plans previously. I insisted that he go because I don't want us to stop living or to dwell. But we just found out merely hours ago and I'm struggling here. I've only had the brown blood passing and it's starting to turn a little red. No clots or anything yet-- I'm not really sure what to expect if they said it stopped developing at 7 weeks-- what I'm going to be seeing exactly or if it's worth collecting it to have it sent in for tests. Did anyone else collect it an send it in? I was thinking it might not be worth it for our first miscarriage but if it happens again then do it? :(
  • @doctorcrime You should call and ask the doctor if they think there will be enough tissue to collect for testing. Chances are at 7 weeks there will not be. Also, if it's your first MC, unless you were high risk for some reason, they don't usually do testing. 

    I've had 5 MC so I'll try to give you some insight into what I went through.  "untelling" people sucks, but it's WAY preferable to ignoring it and pretending your life is going fine and you haven't experienced a death. It's super super hard at first, but the more you talk about it, the easier it is. Also, it's super helpful later on to have a network of people who know that can help support you when you need it.  

    It's taken me anywhere from 2-3 cycles to over a year to get PG again. You never know what your situation will be. MC really is more common than most people realize, and oftentimes it's just a chromosomal issue or some other non-viable PG that your body recognizes and terminates. Chances are very high that you will go on and get PG again and have a viable PG and no more MCs. There's a smaller chance you'll have a CP or a second early MC and then go on to get PG and have a viable PG.  There's only a miniscule chance that you end up on the shyte end of statistics and end up with RPL and no living children in a few years from now. 
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  • @doctorcrime I’m so sorry for your loss, I didn't want to see anyone else from December BMB end up here.

    After 4 losses I have a lot of varying emotions around all of this and it has evolved over time. A few thoughts from my perspective, for what its worth...

    I had two natural miscarriages, I'm not sure if you can actually collect tissue and send in for testing (would there be contaminants, etc.), I only tested with my D&Cs. My experience was fairly uneventful, though cramps got pretty painful until the main tissue passed (sorry for the graphics). I've heard others had some pretty awful experiences, unfortunately. 

    The chance that you will move on to have healthy and viable pregnancies is very good, so try not to worry too much (easier said than done). At the same time you will probably worry incessantly with your next pregnancy, PGAL brain is a total mind-f*k. It's a loss and painful so allow yourself time to grieve, whatever that means for you. Some people start TTC right away, others take more time, doctors seem to have differing opinions, it's basically whatever is right for you.

    Telling people was was hard, but you realize who your support system is quickly and you need them. My mom was great and my girlfriends who have lived this nightmare knew just what to say. But I also found that some people don't how to react and it can be hurtful. I probably used to be that way too, so I get it, but in my situation I actually lost friendships because of it. Rather than just having a conversation with me these people retreated and I let them. One woman actually told a mutual friend she thought I was angry and hated her for having a baby when I had lost mine. Yes, did I want to rip her face off when she held her 3 month old at Christmas brunch saying "we are just so lucky, it's so crazy what can happen". Of course I did, thanks for the reminder I should have a 10 month old little girl here celebrating her first Christmas. People will say insensitive things, but that doesn't mean I hate her because I got the short stick on the chromosomal lottery.

    Sorry I rambled a bit, I guess I needed to get some sh*t out today. Like I said, one person's experience, but hopefully you find it helpful in some way. Sending lots of love your way for healing and successful future pregnancies.
  • ****TW Honest Description Below****

    I had spotting for 4 days that slowly increased in heaviness, redness, and clots. On day 4, my breasts stopped hurting and shrunk. On day 5, I started feeling a rhythmic pulling sensation. It didn't hurt. Just felt weird. But, around 2am, I woke to severe pains, on par with transitional labor. GET KOTEX. SERIOUSLY KOTEX. I was soaking through my Always Infinity pads in 20m or less. And yes, it hurt. I don't want to wake my partner, but he woke anyway because I kept squeezing his arm. The worst part was over in about 4 hours, and it settled down into a medium flow after about 6 - 8. I took advil for the cramps once things settled down. I had some clots and moderate cramping for the next few days, finally passing a really large one at WALMART OF ALL PLACES!!  After that, it all kind of came to a stop. That's when the morning sickness went away, too. The whole process took just over a week. It started on a Thursday and the last clot was passed on the following Saturday. I lightly spot for about a week after that. 2 weeks after that last clot, I ovulated. My first period was 14 days later, heavy and painful, but normal otherwise.

    Really, your body takes over. Operates on instinct. For me, it was the emotional recovery that's been the hardest. Not a day goes by that I don't have a flashback. Having a natural miscarriage is TRAUMATIC. It is a hard physical experience to go through, and then you're blind sided by the emotional trauma. I'm pregnant again, 4 months later, and I hate that I can't shake the sense of impending doom. That I'm just like... Why? It'll just happen again. What's the point? And then I'm bawling my eyes out pleading with every Deity out there to not take this ONE. And... I'm not religious!

    Whatever your path ends up being, make sure you have support. Telling your family will benefit you in the end. I kept it secret from so many people who could have helped me through it, and I ended up having to go through the entire process mostly alone. This time, I told the people I know will hold my hand if things so bad again. I'm glad I did. Because they're also listening to me freak out about being pregnant. *hugs*
  • Oh, and your husband...mine shut off. He didn't want to process it. Wanted to pretend it never happened. I don't let him forget. And, I think we're better as a couple for it. Just remember that everyone grieves in their own way. And, regardless, pregnancy is different for us. We're bonded the second we see two little pink or blue lines. Just be there for each other, and try not to get angry if he shuts off a little. 
  • Thank you all for the responses and kind words. I'm really wondering how long this process is going to be. I started spotting a little brown and cramping on Wednesday/Thursday. The bleeding has picked up since then and has slowly turned redder. I have seen some tissue in the last two days. Just a few minutes ago I saw a larger circular clot. The cramping is picking up and blood seems to be flowing more quickly. Not sure how much there is or when it ends or how to know if this is it. :(
  • @doctorcrime I didn't have a natural miscarriage after my MMC and had a D&C but I would definitely have follow up with an OB to track HCG back down to zero and maybe an ultrasound to make sure everything is gone. You don't want to risk having retained products. I mean I even had a D&C at 9 weeks, baby stopped growing at 7 weeks and it took at least 6 weeks for HCG to be zero. I was benched for 2 cycles. Good luck and I hope the process moves quickly for you, hugs! 
  • @doctorcrime I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It bleeping sucks. Call your doctor, if for no other reason than to confirm and to make sure everything is complete. You do need to have your HGC levels monitored. After a week, mine were down to 18 from ~28K (peak). I kept taking cheapie tests until they were negative. *empathetic hugs*
  • Thanks everyone. I'm not very impressed with my doctor so far. I don't go in until next week to see him. He didn't mention doing an ultrasound to make sure everything is gone. He didn't mention monitoring my HGC levels nor he has he mentioned them at all this entire process which seems weird. He also didn't mention the fact that I have a negative blood type. I have read elsewhere that after a miscarriage I should be getting a shot since I have a negative blood type? No mention of that from him. :neutral:
  • @doctorcrime yes I am Rh-negative also and you should DEFINITELY be getting the rhogam shot after a miscarriage. I got it after both of mine. 
  • @Spartanrd4, how long did you get the shot after? I started cramping/bleeding Thursday/Friday of last week. I think I'm nearing the end of it soon. I don't go back into the doctor until Monday though. 
  • @doctorcrime I had been spotting for 2 days when I went to the ER and found out about the loss, they gave me the shot then. I had a D&C 3 days later and got another shot after the surgery I think. I even got the shot after my recent chemical pregnancy as a precaution. I'm not sure if there is a specific window of time you need to get it. During pregnancy you get it at 28 weeks and then after delivery. If your husband is negative too its not as big of a deal but they still give it to be safe.
  • @doctorcrime, Im coming from the dec grpup as well. First dr appt today, the baby just never grew aparently. No heartbeat, just an unusual blob. Ive been spotting since friday but since i have had subcrionc hemorrhaging before, I didnt think much of it. I feel broken right now. Like you, this is my first. I have no idea what to expect. I go in next tuesday for another ultrasound to see where we are at. 
  • @dmbashaw. I am so sorry to hear that. I hope your process is quick and painless. 
  • Update: Tomorrow will be two weeks since I found out at the first ultrasound. The doctor who was present at the ultrasound stated my doctor had three options 1) try to let everything come out naturally, 2) have the d&c procedure or 3) take a pill that will speed the process along. When I finally spoke to my doctor he only mentioned the first two options. Since then I have been bleeding and believe I passed most of it about a week ago. I've still been bleeding on and off though.

    I went in for a follow up with my doc and he did a very brief exam and then sent me to get the rhogam shot (although I think it was far too late to be effective grrrrr). He also had me set up a trans vaginal ultrasound that I just had today. The technician today said she cant make any official statements but that it looks like there's still material in there and that I will likely have to have a d&c. 

    I'm pretty pissed with my doctor at several  steps along the process including not having me take the rhogam shot sooner. He asked me "did you go to the ER for the shot?" What? That's nothing he ever mentioned for me to do. I'm also not happy that when he gave me my options he didn't mention taking any medicine to speed the process along. I didn't want to have the d&c-- I would have taken a pill to try to speed this. So now I have had bleeding and been uncomfortable for two weeks and may still have to have the procedure. Unreal. 
  • Update 2: I do have to go in for a d&c. Despite passing a lot of materials and bleeding two weeks apparently I haven't passed the sac. Apparently my body doesn't want to let go of the baby. :(
  • @doctorcrime sorry you have to go through that.  It sucks. Hang in there. I’ve had 3 d&c and all three went smoothly with very little down time.  I took it easy for a few days but could resume my activities the next day.  I hope your procedure goes smoothly 
  • Thinking of you @doctorcrime - I just found out yesterday that I'm having my second mmc at 12weeks and will go in for a d&c this afternoon. My first d&c wasn't too bad, you just feel pretty tired after for the first day or so. I hope yours was straightforward and that you can look to moving forward. Thinking of all the ladies who have had to suffer miscarriages. It really sucks all around! I'm thankful we can support each other ♡
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