Depression & Pregnancy

doctorcrime

This thread will be a place to discuss depression and pregnancy, whether it be antepartum or concerns about postpatrum depression about December 2019 moms. It may be a helpful place to discuss any issues with depression in the past and concerns going into pregnancy and changes in hormones. It may also be helpful to share tips and strategies you've used in the past or heard of. A safe place to share your struggles and concerns. 

blueskychicago12

@doctorcrime Thank you for starting this thread!  I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a teen, although it has been well controlled with an SSRI for years.  When I decided to TTC, I tried going off of my SSRI under my doctor's supervision, but my depression and anxiety returned in a big way.  After consulting with a reproductive psychiatrist, I made the decision to stay on the SSRI during pregnancy.  I feel some guilt about it, but also know that I need to take care of myself so I can be my best for my little one.  I'm feeling pretty good so far emotionally, but I'm trying to be very proactive and stay on top of things so I can promptly deal with any emotional issues that may arise.
I recommend the book What No One Tells You: A Guide to Your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood to other moms.  It has helped normalize a lot of what I'm feeling, which has reduced a lot of my anxieties.

doctorcrime

@blueskychicago12 What SSRI are you on if I may ask? I have taken a few antidepressants but Wellbutrin was the only one that was really effective. I went off of it in January when we started TTC. I was doing okay for a while but I'm not feeling so great in recent weeks mentally. It's hard to discern if it feels like old feelings coming back or if I'm just hyper focused on work stresses mixed with other life stresses. I only see my psychiatrist twice a year and wont see him again until June. Debating if it is worth trying to go back on something.

blueskychicago12

@doctorcrime I take Paroxetine, which is not considered one of the best options during pregnancy, traditionally.  My psychiatrist talked me through the research and and put my mind at ease about a lot of it.  She also recommended the website Mother to Baby, which provides a lot of good info about the risks of specific medications during pregnancy.  If it's a practical option for you insurance wise, I would definitely recommend consulting with a psychiatrist who specializes in reproductive issues.  I found mine on the psychologytoday.com web search.

Poppy16

Thanks for starting this! I struggle with anxiety and postpartum anxiety/depression. For me, it looks like mood swings and rage, which isn’t a good thing when you have a bunch of kids. I had PPA/D after each of my births, and it takes about a year for me to feel normal again. My last birth was 3 years ago, and it was pretty awful. When I found out I was pregnant again this time, that was my first thought, about how I’m going to deal with the PPA/D this time. I’ve also been SO anxious about this pregnancy, partly because I’ve had a previous loss, and partly bc I just overthink everything. 

About a year ago, I saw a doctor that specializes in hormone imbalances, and she did a full lab work-up on me, and found I was very low in progesterone, and a few other other things. She recommended a bunch of supplements, and they helped a lot (a progesterone supplement, magnesium, zinc, Vit D, Omega Oils, and some others). I’m really hoping to get her recommendations on how to avoid PPA/D this time around. 

blueskychicago12

@Poppy16 I'm an overthinker, too.  I'm finding it doesn't mix so well with pregnancy, so I'm trying to do a lot of self-care and meditation.  I also see a psychiatrist.  It's great that you found a doctor you like, who had some helpful suggestions.

j3nn1b33

I suffered from ppd after my son was born, but it was most likely triggered by my bipolar/anxiety. I am on medications and I see a therapist, psychiatrist, and of course my regular doctor. I am really hoping that it won't happen again, but we have a plan in place just in case. I also have an amazing support system, which helps. All of the medications I am currently on are surprisingly pregnancy safe and breastfeeding safe.

beeker2

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression and am having a really hard time ever since I found out I was pregnant. Motherhood has never been a dream of mine and there were preventative measures in place and while I know how it could happen I just don't understand why it had to happen to me so while my husband is thrilled, I feel like I'm rapidly sinking into an all-consuming darkness.

I am the type of person who at the very least, needs to be in control of my own life. This whole experience has forced me into a position where I am completely out of control. Everyone else can do whatever they want but I am very hard on myself.

I am an active person who values exercise and healthy eating as part of my mental health. I was in control of my body, I was stable, maintained, content and happy. Over the SHORT course of only 8 weeks I have gained 7 pounds despite increasing my workouts to 2 hours every day and tracking my calories and fighting back food cravings and hunger so as not to overeat. I feel like I'm trying so hard and and I'm so tired. I'm fighting and struggling every second of every day to be in control and I just keep looking in the mirror and see what a failure I am when I have barely even begun.

I am unable to go to the bathroom which has been sickening and frustrating. Literally feel like my insides are nothing but crap. I've been drinking prune juice, and Metamucil and taking stool softeners and there's nothing. I'm so stressed and uncomfortable. It's too warm for coats here but I have to hide my poop swollen abdomen under sweaters and coats and spanks. I can't breathe, I'm sweating all the time, I don't have the money or the space to buy more dress pants; I just bought dress pants. I feel seconds away from screaming or tearing out my hair or going mad, 24/7.

Speaking of 24/7, how can I spend an entire day feeling and fighting exhaustion and tears and wanting to curl into a ball and disappear then the moment I lay down, I'm wide awake....for hours....thinking of all the things I'm incapable of, or all the feelings I don't have, or the money we DEFINITELY don't have and how much I want to wish this or pray this on to someone else because I'm really not deserving or worthy.

I know I know, "You have a husband, he can support you." I love him and he has many good qualities but my brain doesn't work that way. It's not what I need. I have a therapist but it seems so fake...like going through the motions or talking to puppets...following some sort of script.

There are so many other things.

What am I going to do? I just don't know what I'm going to do.

blueskychicago12

@babydubbs1 This is a huge life change we are going through, and it's natural to have a lot of conflicting emotions, especially if this isn't something you planned.  Not to mention all the hormonal changes that can affect us emotionally, as well.  
Do you have a friend or family member who you can confide in about how you are feeling?  It's important to share with your doctor, as well, so he or she can help you get support.  Sometimes it can be tough to find the right therapist, and it could be worth trying someone else whom you might feel more comfortable with.
We are here to support you, too.  You don't have to do this alone.

ninrms

@babydubbs1 I'm so, so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and out of control. I'd like to echo what @blueskychicago12 said...is there someone you can confide in? Someone you've been able to talk to in the past, or someone who might be a good ear? I'll also agree that finding the right therapist is hard. How long have you seen your current one, if I can ask? Would it be worth it to try to find someone you connect with a bit better? I know the idea might seem exhausting, on top of everything else you're going through, but it could be really worth it. Sending you love and support!!

Poppy16

@babydubbs1, I can sympathize with a lot of what your wrote. Even though I’ve been through pregnancy and know what to expect, it really wasn’t in my plan this time around. hope you’re able to find someone to talk to, that can help you through these feelings. 

beeker2

Oh thank you @blueskychicago12 , @ninrms , and @Poppy16 . I am sorry for losing it. I am taking this hard but as is the nature of anxiety and depression, my brain makes it harder on me (and others) than it should be. I'm grateful for all the support and kind words. I do wish I had a friend or family member but if I'm being honest, I would be afraid to tell my friends how I really feel. I'm not sure they would accept it or understand and since most of them already have several children and have spoken positively to me of their experiences, I am afraid of offending them. My family are good people but very religious. Only faith can solve your problems, which I believe is a good message and I need to try harder to trust in something bigger than myself and let go of control (if you couldn't tell already), but it is difficult to open up to family members as their perspective and advice is very singular and while they try to help, their good intentions and one-note solutions tend to make me feel a bit worse. *sigh* I may just be making up excuses to protect myself as I feel ashamed for many of the feelings I have. It would be hard to say out loud or look someone in the eye who you know and have them know for the rest of your life that you have felt or think this way. This was an outlet for me to get some of the darkness off my chest and I appreciate it being here and for you reading and responding and listening. I know there is no real solution but I'm touched by the kindness of strangers in the world and it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Thank you for being there. And again, sorry for the crazies.

doctorcrime

@babydubbs1 You definitely don't have to apologize. I think many of us have similar thoughts or even thoughts we have problems sharing with others. I can definitely understand not wanting to talk to people close to you about it. It does change the dynamic and is hard to imagine them knowing some of your personal demons. I find myself often also thinking that it isn't "worth it", that I have an idea of how they will respond and it just seems like too much energy and emotion that it's easier to handle it myself or keep it in. It's probably not the healthiest way but I think it's good we have a board like this where we can at least let out some of these feelings and it helps that it's anonymous. I hope things get better soon and you find an outlet-- and just know that you're not alone and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. 

ladyoftulips

@babydubbs1

Thanks for sharing with us. I just felt like telling you that;

1. Your feelings are valid
2. Take it one day at a time
3. It will be well with you.

I'll be praying for you tonight, that you find peace and enter God's rest ♥️ There is this YouTube channel with calming and relaxing music called scripture lullabies, maybe you might like it too:)

spawnsvessel

FTM here and very concerned about how my PTSD, depression, and anxiety are going to affect my pregnancy. My anxiety is already through the roof and the night terrors are real. I can calm my mind during the day for the baby, but at night I can’t control it. I’m worried about my depression spiking because I already have thoughts about being a bad momma. I’m hoping that so will be able to find a therapist that can help me along this journey and after because I have a terrible fear of PPD. But I have been really open with my doctor and tried not to hold it in, because I want to be the healthiest I can for my body and my baby. I just don’t know how to stop the constant worry. TW, would this also be the place to talk about EDs during pregnancy? Because having to eat more is really making mine act up in a scary way. Advice would be helpful.

ninrms

@babydubbs1, How have you been feeling? 

@spawnsvessel Thank you for opening up and sharing! I'm a FTM too, and I'm also concerned about PPD. How often have you seen a therapist in the past? Have you found one to talk to now? Also, good question about EDs. I'm new to these forums, so I'm not sure if it'd warrant another thread, or if it can be lumped in with depression/anxiety/etc. I have struggled with an ED on and off throughout my life (something I've only very recently begun admitting), so I'm not sure I have much advice on that either. Are you able to eat healthily, and it's just a battle, or is your ED getting in the way? If you haven't already, talking to your doctor about your ED might be helpful....sending you love and strength!

spawnsvessel

@ninrms I saw a therapist weekly for about two years and it helped immensely but work caused me to have to taper off to the point where I couldn’t go anymore. My fertility doctor actually recommended me to a couple of therapists that she uses frequently and recommends a lot of patients to, so they understand the whole process and stuff. She said she was really proud of us for reaching out now and trying to get help. So that made me feel a lot better. Are you currently seeing anyone? If not, I highly suggest reaching out for recommendations from your doctor. I’m nervous but I know it will be worth it. I’ve been able to eat regularly so far. But eating more had increased my eating thoughts. DH has been so phenomenal about making sure I have snacks that are clean and will make me feel okay about having to eat so much. I’m trying real hard to not purge, but I fear with morning sickness on the horizon, it is just going to make it worse. Definitely going to talk to therapist about it when we get an appt. I hope your’s calms down. I keep reminding myself it is for Spawn. And we worked so hard to get to this point, my baby is more important than my intrusive thoughts.

doctorcrime

Does anyone take Zoloft or has anyone taken it in the past? I finally had my first appointment with my OB (and an appointment with my psychiatrist) last week. My psychiatrist deferred to whatever the OB said and my OB said he puts pregnant woman on Zoloft and finds that to be the safest with little to minimal risks. I'm having a few other life changes going on so want to see how those play out with my mood before I start something but I am debating going on it.

nothingbuttherain

@doctorcrime I took Zoloft the last couple months of my last pregnancy and the first 5 months postpartum. My office prefers that because it's the most pregnancy and nursing friendly.  It doesn't work for everyone, but I think it helped take the edge off my depression/ anxiety last time. Haven't needed it yet - last time I had a lot of serious stressors that have since resolved - but I would go back on it if I needed it. 

j3nn1b33

@doctorcrime I have been on zoloft 200mg a day for my previous pregnancy and DS was fine. It was the only thing that helped with my depression and OCD. 

I have officially been weaned off all of my medications for this pregnancy and I am kind of worried. My psychiatrist and midwife agreed it was for the best, but I am a little worried about the decision.

lioness_389

Thank you for starting this! I’ve had some really dark days in this first trimester due to dealing with being so sick all the time. I’ve started to develop negative feelings towards pregnancy and I fear I will also start to have negative feelings towards the baby (ie: resentment towards them for making me so sick). Any suggestions for moving past this? Has anyone felt like this before?

blueskychicago12

@lioness_389 I've been miserable at times these past few weeks, as well.  I think it has been feeling so physically sick but still having to keep up with my obligations and work without being comfortable revealing my pregnancy to anyone outside of a few close family members.  Being sick has left me laying on the sofa during most of my free time and that's been depressing as the weather is getting nicer and I feel cooped up.  At times I have questioned my decision to get pregnant.  But recently I am starting to feel a bit better; more energy and not nauseated every day.  I think once we feel a bit better physically, and maybe once we are comfortable sharing our news with more people in our lives, it might get easier in some ways.  Hang in there!

j3nn1b33

@lioness_389 I felt like that with DS. I actually ended up suffering from PPD. If by the 2nd trimester, your still having negative feelings I would reach out to your primary care doctor. I know how hard it is to have negative feelings and then have to deal with the guilt afterwards. It makes an already difficult situation unbearable at times. It is better to get checked out early so that you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and have a plan in place after birth. 

lioness_389

@blueskychicago12 Oh my gosh exactly!!!! The hardest part about being sick is the world not slowing down enough at work for me to catch up. This past week the weather has been so good and I thought, ‘I want to go to the beach’ then realized that would require me getting out of bed and and immediately got sad again. This was an unplanned pregnancy, so I was really not ready for this part. Thankfully, the vitamin B6 has worked WONDERS and for the first time today I thought about hanging out with friends. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me! We’re going to make it...

lioness_389

@j3nn1b33 Yea I’m experiencing some of the guilt too. I think about all the women who can’t get pregnant and feel bad for not being so overjoyed about being pregnant. Almost like I’m ungrateful. I’ve dealt with depressive thoughts at other times in my life so I’m already thinking about how my mental heath might be impacted after birth. I think I will reach out to my primary care. I’ve also thought about going to therapy again. I just don’t want to look back at this time and be filled with disgust. This is such a special time. I want to be able to enjoy it. Thanks for sharing with me. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

jenn6233

Has anyone ever experienced this depression and been induced because of it? I had this 5 years ago with my first and I was totally brushed off by my midwife as just not liking being pregnant, but this time they’re taking it very seriously. For me it unfortunately gets worse as I progress through the pregnancy 😞

nerdmom0013

I’m getting anxious about my upcoming appointment with my psychiatrist.  It took a lot of trial and error to get my meds right, so I’m worried about any med changes that I might have to make.  I’m on duloxetine, and it’s normally not recommended during the 3rd tri.

blueskychicago12

@nerdmom0013 I felt the same anxiety about discussing my medication with my new ob, although I had already consulted with my psychiatrist, who was reassuring.  I was relieved that my ob was on board with my decision.  I hope the same is true for you.

bookworm492

Ok, this has anonymized my name,  so ....

I'm really relating so much to this thread.  We had been ttc, then because I got a job offer we decided to stop and be childfree. My prior job was so stressful and frankly traumatizing that I needed some time to recover and relax.  4 days later I got the+ test. 

I am really struggling to connect with this baby.  I'm not excited at all.  I have had no time to recover from the past year's work issues and it's jumping right into another challenge.  I'm scared I still won't connect with the baby after I deliver and it'll be stuck with me as it's mom. 

CapricaAndrea

@bookworm492 In my last group, there was a mother who felt very much the same as you. On top of that her MIL who she was very close with, passed away right around the time the baby was born and her mind kind of associated the 2 events together so she had a very hard time feeling connected to her daughter. Within a few months, things started improving, and she has a great relationship with her now, as well as a 2nd child who was just born about a month ago.

It's totally normal not to immediately have that "OMG I'm so in love!" feeling when baby arrives (despite what the media would have you believe), and even more-so during pregnancy. Baby is still literally a stranger to you. It takes some time to get to know each other. 

cpk3535

For me, I take an epilepsy medication for seizures (caused by hormones and high anxiety) that already acts as a depressant.  So, plus my hormones surging with pregnancy, I’m still struggling to feel... good, I guess.  I’m feeling more angry with outside factors than I normally do, such as absolutely hating working for my parents, and I’m feeling guilt with this second baby that I’m bringing her into an even worse situation than my first daughter.  

To clarify (sorry, long-winded), my parents own a business that my husband and I are working for.  Before our DD was born almost 9 years ago, we had some hope that we might own it someday, but that has completely gone away.  All of the “benefits” of working for my parents have completely disappeared, and now we’re struggling to find a way out.  I hesitated to bring another child into the picture for so long, fearing things would just get worse in our relationship with my parents, and sure enough, I was right.  Now we’re just to the point that we know we have to move on with our lives.  With this new baby, I’m almost mad at myself for being pregnant in these circumstances, as I already hate what this does to our first daughter.  

I think the worst part is that my husband deals with depression more regularly, and so I’m actually the more upbeat one with high anxiety on a regular basis.  Now that I’m crying about this stuff all the time, I don’t feel very helpful to him or us.  Any suggestions?  Should I see a psychiatrist or something?  Would a doctors recommendation to leave my workplace give me the push I need to leave?

bookworm492

cpk3535 said:

For me, I take an epilepsy medication for seizures (caused by hormones and high anxiety) that already acts as a depressant.  So, plus my hormones surging with pregnancy, I’m still struggling to feel... good, I guess.  I’m feeling more angry with outside factors than I normally do, such as absolutely hating working for my parents, and I’m feeling guilt with this second baby that I’m bringing her into an even worse situation than my first daughter.  

To clarify (sorry, long-winded), my parents own a business that my husband and I are working for.  Before our DD was born almost 9 years ago, we had some hope that we might own it someday, but that has completely gone away.  All of the “benefits” of working for my parents have completely disappeared, and now we’re struggling to find a way out.  I hesitated to bring another child into the picture for so long, fearing things would just get worse in our relationship with my parents, and sure enough, I was right.  Now we’re just to the point that we know we have to move on with our lives.  With this new baby, I’m almost mad at myself for being pregnant in these circumstances, as I already hate what this does to our first daughter.  

I think the worst part is that my husband deals with depression more regularly, and so I’m actually the more upbeat one with high anxiety on a regular basis.  Now that I’m crying about this stuff all the time, I don’t feel very helpful to him or us.  Any suggestions?  Should I see a psychiatrist or something?  Would a doctors recommendation to leave my workplace give me the push I need to leave?

That sounds really rough. Does your doctor or midwife offer any support? My midwife connected me with a behavioral health specialist whom I saw before my exam yesterday.  It's neat because they're all part of the same practice,  I don't go to a obgyn but to a medical home center I think they're called. 

The specialist told me yesterday that when things in life are going badly outside the pregnancy it's easy to project those negative feelings right onto the fetus/ baby.  I can completely see how that has been the case for me. 

bookworm492

Also cpk3535 any chance of being self employed or finding a new job,  for either you or your husband?  

blueskychicago12

@cpk3535 I'm so sorry you are going through that.  It must be extra stressful since it involves both work and family.  Does your health insurance cover any counseling services?  Maybe a counselor/therapist could be helpful in working through the emotions you are experiencing and developing a plan for moving forward.  

cpk3535

Thank you for reading my posting- I always feel bad dumping this stuff on people...

@bookworm492 Yes, both my husband and I are working on becoming self-employed and/or looking for new jobs.  We have a lot of lofty goals, which are often smothered by depression and guilt from our current workplace.  I think my husband will find something pretty quickly once he reaches out to some friends and acquaintances.  

On my end, despite having my epilepsy since I was a teenager, I’ve always been a worker and never really had the option of being a stay-at-home daughter, wife, or mom.  I think this has to change, hopefully to me working for myself remotely.  I think our little family (me, DH, and DD) are really teaming up for the next phase of life, wherever it takes us, and we just have to keep ourselves top priority.  

@blueskychicago12 and @bookworm492 I’m going to check with my doctor the next visit and see if there’s any way I can see a counselor.  I think it might be outside of the offices I visit for my OB/GYN, but it might be all I can get for now.  For some reason, I’ve never thought of myself as somebody who should go to therapy, but this pregnancy has really brought some things to the surface.  Maybe that’s one reason to look at our new baby as a sort of blessing, turning things around for us.  I’ll fight to the death to make sure my kid(s) are happy, loved, and well cared for.  When my parents act as grandparents, they are okay with DD.  As people I work around, they are beyond horrible.  

Again, thanks for letting me vent, everybody.  I really appreciate the anonymous ability to share on this site.  Lots of love ❤️ 

bookworm492

@cpk3535 please don't feel bad about talking about it.   It's ok!  This experience has taught me a lot and I'll always be supportive of pregnant women here on out.  It's not always a 100% positive thing right off the bat. 

I too just left a horrible work environment, although not family owned. It had a huge impact on my life and I'm still trying to recover from it. Maybe try doing what my counselor said to do, which is really separate your feelings about your nuclear family and upcoming addition from your feelings about your workplace. 

bookworm492

Just wanted to check in and see how folks here are doing.  I'm still struggling.  Some days are better than others. I still just feel really overwhelmed and like I'm not cut out for this.  

I'm still trying my best to take care of myself as I do find staying active and eating healthy helps. 

cpk3535

@bookworm492 Yes, the last few days for me, I’ve been able to get in some yoga, and that’s helped a lot. I also get really down when I’m feeling off- bad food choices, tired, feeling too lazy.  And when things are bugging me, I seem to flare up a lot easier right now, ranting and complaining.  I feel behind on lots of stuff right now, and that’s really hard to get through.  We just have to put ourselves first ❤️  We’re the vessels for these babies, and we are the most important right now!

blueskychicago12

@bookworm492, you're not alone!  I'm also struggling with feeling overwhelmed.  I've been worrying about everything from finding a good daycare to finances and everything in between.  I have a history of anxiety and depression, and I feel like lately I'm not handling things as well as I'm typically able to.  My husband is under a lot of stress at work lately, and we've been arguing a little since neither of us are is at our best.  I'm just going to keep pushing through and do the best I can with everything.  There's bound to be highs and lows throughout this journey.

bookworm492

@blueskychicago12 I'm also in the Chicago areas and daycare here I think has to be one of the worst in the country as far as cost and availability goes.   I think we might have found one,  dad is taking a tour next Thursday.

blueskychicago12

@bookwork492 I hope you love the day care and it works out!  It will be a huge weight off my mind once we get that sorted.  We found a well reviewed home daycare one block from home so I have my fingers crossed for that one.