Not having the greatest day here. Getting anxious about telling my employer in a month. And starting to feel like I'll never actually be happy that I chose this path. I'll love my child but wish I had ended up not a parent is how I'm feeling. Some days it just hits me how much my life will change in ways that will be positive for my child and family but negative for me as a person.
@bookworm492 I can totally understand where you’re coming from. In a sense, you’re mourning the loss of your independent self, the one that can freely focus all energy on work and, well, whatever you want to focus on. It’s a weird feeling, and I was there for my first child, too. I felt like I hadn’t achieved what I wanted to in life yet (I still feel that way), but I had no choice but to switch lanes for the sake of my baby.
Over the years with her in my life, I’ve actually become more motivated to accomplish things for the sake of our family and focusing on my health and well-being. Basically, don’t worry that you’re not going to move forward in life anymore- you can still do whatever you want. If anything, having a baby encouraged me to make some bold decisions that my younger, more independent (and hesitant) self would not have made. You become more selfish (in a good way!) for the sake of your family, and it’s frankly quite empowering!
It takes time to adjust to this- I’m now struggling with what’s going to change with baby 2, and again what I haven’t yet accomplished in my life between these two pregnancies. But, I also feel much more (good) selfish, knowing that I can tell some people to leave my family alone, and I can still achieve whatever I want in time. If you want something and it’s meant to happen, it will always work out, and sometimes in surprising ways. ❤️
@cpk3535 thank you. A lot of the time I project the worst. I try to just focus on the day to day, but I don't know if that's genuinely helpful to do or if it just means I'm living in denial.
@bookworm492 I can relate. Part of the reason I waited until my late 30s to get pregnant is because I was terrified of giving up my life as I know it. My husband had been eager for a baby since we got married. Deep down I always felt that I wanted a baby but I always wanted it to be further down the road and then eventually I kind of felt as though it was now or never. I guess I got to a point where I felt comfortable enough that I was ready to accept all the life changes, but I know it's going to be difficult. I'm very independent and I like a lot of time to myself, and I also have done my best to lead a simple life and things have already become immensely more stressful and complicated since becoming pregnant. I guess I'm just trying to let you know that you're not alone in your feelings. But we cant predict how we will feel when the baby arrives, so in that sense, I think it makes sense to take things one day at a time rather than worrying about situations that may not even materialize. Of course it is realistic to consider ways life will be different, but I don't think its denial to focus on the present and deal with issues as they arise.
@blueskychicago12 I could have written so much of this post! Sometimes I feel like my life just started. I can afford some great travels to faraway places and now I have to pause that. But, then again many people travel with children, and my parents said after the first year mark they'd be happy to host the baby if we wanted an adults only trip.
@bookworm492 I love to travel too! That's awesome that your parents offered that. Also, if it makes you feel any better, my brother and his wife have 2 kids under 10 and they have already traveled with them to Japan, Thailand, and Europe. It can be done.
Sorry that I've been lurking instead of posting in this thread. Sending so much support to all you mamas!
@bookworm492 (and @blueskychicago12 )...I can so, so relate. I figured I'd always want kids, and we were actively trying, so this baby is VERY much wanted, but now that I'm actually pregnant, it's..disorienting, almost? Like, oh crap, all those things I love about not having kids are ending. I mean, I made actual jokes about it pre-pregnancy--I'd have spring break or winter break (remember, I'm a teacher), and I'd spend half of it playing video games, and I'd joke that I'm "trying to soak it up/enjoy it before we have kids." Same thing for getting enough sleep.
I think I'm anxious because of the travel thing, too--I did a lot of travelling/moving around in my early 20s, but not so much the last few years, as hubby and I had saved up for a wedding and a house, and I had been feeling a little more..."settled down" than I expected to at this point in my life (even though I'm 30). Add children to that, and the feeling just intensifies. Don't get me wrong--I LOVE my husband, love our house, and feel so lucky to have our life--I just think that feeling so "settled" is making me a little unnerved. And, since we're in the depression thread and I seem to be going on a monster spiel here anyway, I'm feel so dang guilty for having these thoughts. Like if I have "second thoughts" about being a mom, I'm going to have a miscarriage and lose my chance. (That feels AWFUL to admit, but it's honestly a big fear.)
I like @cpk3535 's advice to just take it a day at a time, because who knows how we'll feel once we actually have that baby. I have a feeling I'm going to be one of those moms consumed with lovin' their baby, but I'm honestly pretty afraid (for the aforementioned reasons) that I'll have resentment, too.
Holy smokes, didn't mean to bear my soul at 7:30 in the morning, but there it is, and it doesn't look like I'm deleting anything I wrote. Thank you to all of you who make this a space where we can be vulnerable.
I saw my psychiatrist today and he feels that it's best for me to continue taking my current medication all the way through pregnancy, which is a huge relief.
@ninrms Thanks for taking the plunge and sharing with us. A takeaway for me is that since a lot of us are expressing similar fears/concerns, they are likely way more common than we may have thought. It's comforting to me, and I hope to others, as well. Because we are anonymous here, we can be honest and share things that we might share with others in our lives, nor them with us. At first glance it can seem like every pregnant woman should be on cloud nine all the time about her baby to be. But it's normal to be overwhelmed, to be conflicted and to have complex emotions about the huge changes we are going through. It doesn't make us bad or undeserving people, and it won't make us bad mothers, either. Sending comfort and strength to all of you lovely ladies.
When does this start getting really, truly happy? I feel like I’m still holding on to a few things- a fear that not everything is going great (not helped by the fact that my last doctor’s appointment and my upcoming appointment will be more than 6 weeks apart) and some weird issue I’ve had all of my life with happily accepting gifts of any sort. What is that? This even applies at Christmas and birthdays- I frequently don’t convey genuine joy for gifts, leading some people to think I don’t like what they gave me or whatever. Now I feel like I’m kind of in that position with very early developing baby, not really joyful. I want to be, and I know I’ll love this kid so much when she’s here, but at the moment, I’m still not really feeling like a mommy to this baby growing inside of me.
I also have this thing with when the baby truly becomes a little person. While I know that her body is developing and doing amazing things, my yoga background says that a baby’s soul doesn’t enter their body until 120 days (about 19 weeks) after conception. This helped me tremendously when I had my MC last fall, because we were long off of from that. Now I’m getting close to that number (15W3D) and I’m waiting to feel a little soul in there before I start having a more motherly feeling I guess.
Did this make sense to anybody else? Sorry if I just sound crazy and for rambling on. Lots of love, I hope you’re all doing well.
@cpk3535 honestly I just want it to be December already. I don't think I'll ever truly love being pregnant. What with the restrictions on exercise, alcohol (I'm not a big drinker but a cocktail or glass of wine every so often would be nice) the physical changes to your body.... I'm ready to have my body back to myself.
I'm starting to feel better about the baby being here but still utterly terrified to tell my employer. I know I will burst into tears. I'm dragging this out until July sometime.
@bookworm492 totally each individual person’s choice - but I’m here to say a glass of wine from time to time is ok. I can’t remember if I’ve commented back to you before, but read Expecting Better by Emily Oster.
@anniemarie887 i read it and really liked it. I was going to wait a few more weeks till I'm soundly in 2nd trimester before I attempt slowly drinking a small alcoholic drink.
@cpk3535 I think it's different for everyone when you start to feel "happy" about everything. I have friends who were pretty happy all along, but for me I don't think I ever got there last time. I was worried the whole nine months and then for several months after birth was super paranoid about doing something wrong and hurting him. This time I'm a little more relaxed, maybe because I've realized I really don't have any control over what happens. It doesn't help me any to worry about what I can't control, and it causes me to miss out on the little joyful moments. I know getting to that point is easier said than done - like I said it's taken me a year and a half with DS to get there.
I've been lurking and not posting either...and honestly, it's so good to see that none of us are really alone, that we're all having similar feelings about losing independence, nerves about a new responsibility, etc.
I mentioned this in the pregnancy announcements post just a little while ago, but I'm in the process of trying to get a novel published (still in editing phase, no takers just yet), and when we found out I was pregnant, I suddenly had this overwhelming fear that I wouldn't have time to write anymore, or travel, or do any of the things I love doing childless, and that all my dreams would come crashing down around me and I'd never be able to finish what I'd set out to do. And then there's the whole body image thing--about 10 years ago, I was pretty overweight (5 feet tall, 156 pounds...not great). I've since gotten into shape, am in a normal weight range, have learned how to surf, and have run a few half marathons...and then this, all my work, suddenly going out the window.
It was my aunt who basically told me it's okay to feel these things, that life is going to change, that it's NORMAL for it to change, and to just be flexible and take things as they come until I figure out a new routine that works best for me and my family. And that was helpful. There are some days I am SUPER excited about the baby, and super happy about it--this baby is DEFINITELY wanted and loved, and we had been trying for him. But, there are some days I am SUPER anxious and start crying about the baby, and all it will mean to bring this little life into the world. But even my husband is amazing, and every time I have a moment like that, he just says to me, "We will figure it out. You WILL have your writing time. You WILL have your surfing time. You WILL have your gym time and get your body back to where you want it. I won't let you NOT have that time. It's just going to take a little while to get into a new groove, and that's okay."
So I guess what I'm saying is...thanks for being great, ladies, and for being an outlet. It's comforting. And it's awesome.
@nerdmom0013 Thanks...it feels good to finally stop lurking and start talking. I've gone to counseling a few different times in life, and at one point was even on anxiety meds for a little while...right now DH and I are trying to go to marriage counseling together (our marriage is not on the rocks, but we've been going through some things with our family/work that we are trying to handle together, and it's caused some tension between us), but even that has been so sporadic because of his travel schedule. I've been considering going in for myself just to wrap my mind around things and get a handle on this whole becoming a mom thing...but in the meantime, hanging out here has been good. :-)
I like posting here too. @rjgmcmanus I completely relate to the body changes and the stress it causes. Even though I am not showing (my mother didn't show until the 7th month) I do feel a pulling sensation in my core when weightlifting and I really miss being able to increase my weights as I practice. I'm in "maintenance mode". I had hoped to lose 20 pounds before getting pregnant but it didn't happen mostly due to anxiety.
@bookworm492 What I'm also dealing with right now is this fear of getting back into my old routine--I did zumba, running, bodypump, yoga, surfing before getting pregnant. Then I felt sick for a good chunk of the first trimester, and most workouts with the exception of yoga and walking stopped. Now that I have energy again, I want to get back into it, but I'm sitting here going, "Oh God, did I lose my chance, my ability to keep this up? Will I hurt the baby if I go back into my old routine?" So right now I've been confining myself to the machines at the gym and going to yoga, but I haven't gone to bodypump or zumba at ALL. And I'm pretty anxious and nervous about trying to. And surfing is out, doc doesn't want me to, which makes me sad.
@rjgmcmanus bodypump should be fine with the exception of the abs routine at the end. I've never done zumba so can't speak to that. Yesterday I was working on Olympic weightlifting. I just lifted as heavy as I could before the abs pulling started.
@bookworm492 That's amazing and super impressive. Also, thanks...I've been toying with it, and just telling my instructor I'm pregnant so she can help with modifications, and just going light. But I've been missing it. I think I need to make an appearance at next weekend's class.
@bookworm492 Thank you! I hope it goes somewhere. It's the first in a fantasy trilogy I'm working on. I've just always loved writing, and have always wanted to be a published author, and within the past year decided to just go for it. Like I said, I'm still in editing right now, I just got the feedback from my beta readers...but once that's done, it's onto the submission phase. Here's hoping!
@rjgmcmanus Thank you for opening up, and for your post. I'm definitely struggling with all of that, too! And also with the body image stuff. Like you, @bookworm492, I had really hoped to lose some weight before getting pregnant, and now I just feel like a whale. My weight has fluctuated up and down since I was a teenager, and I've very rarely actually been "thin," and I've been trying to learn my body even with its extra pudge. But yesterday my belly popped, which is SO EXCITING, and part of me LOVES how it looks, and part of me is like, "Oh god, I look like a mumu in any dress I put on." Apparently I'm just going to have a love-hate relationship with this whole thing.
And, on an unrelated note, I keep seeing that our boards are so quiet compared to the other birth months and everyone is waiting for drama around here. I have *plenty* of drama to share, I think I'm just waiting until I feel like I've gotten to know the other mamas on this board a bit better before spilling my beans.
@rjgmcmanus -- SO cool about your book!! I got my undergraduate degree in writing poetry (I used to want to be a poetry professor!), but now I'm an English teacher in high school, which I love. I really hope you get published--I'd love to read a copy of your triology when you do!
@ninrms I haven't gained any weight since I found out which I find surprising. I'm intentionally eating more healthy, avoiding breads and sugar and processed foods for most meals but I do indulge at times and my favorite snack is smart food popcorn which could be worse. And I exercise 3-4 days a week lately, walk 10k+ steps daily. I'm trying to at least mitigate the weight damage going forward.
I'm starting to come out of my depression I think. Some days are still a struggle but some days it really feels like it'll be ok.
@bookworm492 that's awesome to hear that you've been feeling better emotionally! I also have my ups and downs, and while I still struggle with anxiety that feels overwhelming at times, I've mostly been feeling hopeful/confident that my husband and I will be able to handle things and figure them out as they come along. Though trying at times, I'm starting to think it's a good thing pregnancy lasts 9 months...gives us time to adjust to the changes and mentally prepare!
@blueskychicago12 yeah I do still have down times too. I'm starting to feel better about telling work. Even on my best days I don't enjoy being pregnant and eagerly anticipate next spring, when I've started to physically recover. I think for some people you just don't enjoy the experience and that's ok!
@bookworm492 I totally agree! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not enjoying the experience of being pregnant. Like lots of us, I work really hard on caring for my body for lots of different reasons, so going through pregnancy obviously throws a wrench in the works. Like you said, I’m really looking forward to a baby being here, but I’m not super pleased with the limitations of being pregnant.
How are you all feeling this week? I've been feeling excited for my little one's arrival lately, as it all becomes a bit more real as time goes on. Last week, an older coworker learned I am pregnant and told me she was surprised that I am having a baby because she always considered me to have a lot of my own interests and she didn't think I'd want to be "tied down". She didn't mean anything negative I don't think, but it made me feel a little bit bad, like maybe she's right about me and I will regret the choice. I know that's silly and I shouldn't let a random person's comments get to me. Goodness knows I spent plenty of time thinking over this decision. I guess it's just easy to second-guess yourself.
Body image issues are starting to subside--all I can do is what I can do, and go from there. Feeling more excited about the pregnancy overall. And not feeling quite the same about the whole "losing my independence" thing--we're just going to bring the kid along for the ride! And I have a feeling he'll inspire some writing, haha.
Still struggling a little, but mostly, coming to peace with things.
I signed up for the frugalwoods uber frugal monthly challenge and it's really helped me mentally, oddly enough. Helping clarify what I want my life to look like has given me confidence. I still have bad days, but I think I'm getting through them.
I'm also feeling anxious about the anatomy scan. I asked, and my doctor agreed, to order a echocardiogram to check on my baby's heart because I have taken an antidepressant throughout pregnancy which may cause a slight increase in minor heart defects. I made the decision to stay on the medication with the input of both my psychiatrist and obgyn and did a great deal of research on the risks, which I weighed against the fact that I initially tried going off my medication before conceiving (that went really poorly in terms of my emotional state). It was an informed and well-reasoned decision, but I know I will still feel just terrible if something is wrong. Just trying to prepare myself mentally for that possibility in advance.
I’m still freaking out about the physical issues, too. My anatomy scan happens on the 17th. Number one concern, I’m older (38, not crazy, but still...). Number two, I’ve also taken a medication that messes with my system processing for YEARS (depressant for my epilepsy). Number three, this might sound totally stupid, but here I am at almost 19 weeks pregnant, and I’m a little worried about how much I’m not seriously showing except post-food at night. I also have a fear that I’m being too concerned with keeping myself healthy, in a selfish way, like by keeping up with yoga, and that’s too risky or endangering baby. Big old scoop of crazy over analyzing here...
@cpk3535 I would imagine that if yoga is reducing your anxiety and making you feel better, then your baby is most likely benefiting, as well. But I certainly know how it feels to worry and overthink!
Trying to stay positive while feeling so miserable every second of the day is so hard! To think I will be this nauseous every day of my life until December when we’re only in July is really taking a toll on my mental health. I’m so tired of people saying this will pass. I’m 16wks people! Well into 1st trimester when the nausea is supposed to be subsiding (per doctors and every freaking pregnancy app, including this one). Hour to hour is hard so people saying it’ll be worth it in the end isn’t helping me for today. I’m going to call my OB and BEG for some Reglan. An ER doctor gave it to me after I had to get IV fluids after vomiting 5 times within a couple hours span and it was wonderful. Just venting. I want to feel normal again 😢
@cpk3535 I'm allmost 17 weeks and no one has suspected I'm pregnant that I'm aware of, I haven't gained weight and I'm wearing my same clothes. My midwife isn't concerned at all. I look a bit rounder than usual but I don't look pregnant. I feel differently in my abdomen at this point so i feel more confident it's in there growing as it should be.
@lioness_389 that sounds awful and I get the psychological sides of the physical symptoms.
Re: Depression & Pregnancy
Over the years with her in my life, I’ve actually become more motivated to accomplish things for the sake of our family and focusing on my health and well-being. Basically, don’t worry that you’re not going to move forward in life anymore- you can still do whatever you want. If anything, having a baby encouraged me to make some bold decisions that my younger, more independent (and hesitant) self would not have made. You become more selfish (in a good way!) for the sake of your family, and it’s frankly quite empowering!
It takes time to adjust to this- I’m now struggling with what’s going to change with baby 2, and again what I haven’t yet accomplished in my life between these two pregnancies. But, I also feel much more (good) selfish, knowing that I can tell some people to leave my family alone, and I can still achieve whatever I want in time. If you want something and it’s meant to happen, it will always work out, and sometimes in surprising ways. ❤️
@bookworm492 (and @blueskychicago12 )...I can so, so relate. I figured I'd always want kids, and we were actively trying, so this baby is VERY much wanted, but now that I'm actually pregnant, it's..disorienting, almost? Like, oh crap, all those things I love about not having kids are ending. I mean, I made actual jokes about it pre-pregnancy--I'd have spring break or winter break (remember, I'm a teacher), and I'd spend half of it playing video games, and I'd joke that I'm "trying to soak it up/enjoy it before we have kids." Same thing for getting enough sleep.
I think I'm anxious because of the travel thing, too--I did a lot of travelling/moving around in my early 20s, but not so much the last few years, as hubby and I had saved up for a wedding and a house, and I had been feeling a little more..."settled down" than I expected to at this point in my life (even though I'm 30). Add children to that, and the feeling just intensifies. Don't get me wrong--I LOVE my husband, love our house, and feel so lucky to have our life--I just think that feeling so "settled" is making me a little unnerved. And, since we're in the depression thread and I seem to be going on a monster spiel here anyway, I'm feel so dang guilty for having these thoughts. Like if I have "second thoughts" about being a mom, I'm going to have a miscarriage and lose my chance. (That feels AWFUL to admit, but it's honestly a big fear.)
I like @cpk3535 's advice to just take it a day at a time, because who knows how we'll feel once we actually have that baby. I have a feeling I'm going to be one of those moms consumed with lovin' their baby, but I'm honestly pretty afraid (for the aforementioned reasons) that I'll have resentment, too.
Holy smokes, didn't mean to bear my soul at 7:30 in the morning, but there it is, and it doesn't look like I'm deleting anything I wrote. Thank you to all of you who make this a space where we can be vulnerable.
I also have this thing with when the baby truly becomes a little person. While I know that her body is developing and doing amazing things, my yoga background says that a baby’s soul doesn’t enter their body until 120 days (about 19 weeks) after conception. This helped me tremendously when I had my MC last fall, because we were long off of from that. Now I’m getting close to that number (15W3D) and I’m waiting to feel a little soul in there before I start having a more motherly feeling I guess.
Did this make sense to anybody else? Sorry if I just sound crazy and for rambling on. Lots of love, I hope you’re all doing well.
I'm starting to feel better about the baby being here but still utterly terrified to tell my employer. I know I will burst into tears. I'm dragging this out until July sometime.
I've been lurking and not posting either...and honestly, it's so good to see that none of us are really alone, that we're all having similar feelings about losing independence, nerves about a new responsibility, etc.
I mentioned this in the pregnancy announcements post just a little while ago, but I'm in the process of trying to get a novel published (still in editing phase, no takers just yet), and when we found out I was pregnant, I suddenly had this overwhelming fear that I wouldn't have time to write anymore, or travel, or do any of the things I love doing childless, and that all my dreams would come crashing down around me and I'd never be able to finish what I'd set out to do. And then there's the whole body image thing--about 10 years ago, I was pretty overweight (5 feet tall, 156 pounds...not great). I've since gotten into shape, am in a normal weight range, have learned how to surf, and have run a few half marathons...and then this, all my work, suddenly going out the window.
It was my aunt who basically told me it's okay to feel these things, that life is going to change, that it's NORMAL for it to change, and to just be flexible and take things as they come until I figure out a new routine that works best for me and my family. And that was helpful. There are some days I am SUPER excited about the baby, and super happy about it--this baby is DEFINITELY wanted and loved, and we had been trying for him. But, there are some days I am SUPER anxious and start crying about the baby, and all it will mean to bring this little life into the world. But even my husband is amazing, and every time I have a moment like that, he just says to me, "We will figure it out. You WILL have your writing time. You WILL have your surfing time. You WILL have your gym time and get your body back to where you want it. I won't let you NOT have that time. It's just going to take a little while to get into a new groove, and that's okay."
So I guess what I'm saying is...thanks for being great, ladies, and for being an outlet. It's comforting. And it's awesome.
And, on an unrelated note, I keep seeing that our boards are so quiet compared to the other birth months and everyone is waiting for drama around here. I have *plenty* of drama to share, I think I'm just waiting until I feel like I've gotten to know the other mamas on this board a bit better before spilling my beans.
@rjgmcmanus -- SO cool about your book!! I got my undergraduate degree in writing poetry (I used to want to be a poetry professor!), but now I'm an English teacher in high school, which I love. I really hope you get published--I'd love to read a copy of your triology when you do!
I'm starting to come out of my depression I think. Some days are still a struggle but some days it really feels like it'll be ok.
I'm starting to feel better overall. I've had 3 days in a row where I felt pretty positive, which is a lot for me since this pregnancy started!
The books What They Don't Tell You, and The Pregnant Woman's Companion have been very helpful to me.
Last week, an older coworker learned I am pregnant and told me she was surprised that I am having a baby because she always considered me to have a lot of my own interests and she didn't think I'd want to be "tied down". She didn't mean anything negative I don't think, but it made me feel a little bit bad, like maybe she's right about me and I will regret the choice. I know that's silly and I shouldn't let a random person's comments get to me. Goodness knows I spent plenty of time thinking over this decision. I guess it's just easy to second-guess yourself.
Still struggling a little, but mostly, coming to peace with things.
@lioness_389 that sounds awful and I get the psychological sides of the physical symptoms.