ask a stm+ april

gingermama46

I know the March one flowed over into April - but I figured a new one would be helpful!

gingermama46

If this has been asked already, sorry! I couldn't find anything about day cares looking through just nannies.

We're touring a couple of day cares these next two weeks. I've got some questions written down but didn't know if anyone had any other suggestions as questions that were helpful to them in choosing child care.

Happy Monday

frenchbaby18

Revisiting a topic we already discussed a long while back: anyone with big(ish) age gaps and/or boy and girl have experiences with room sharing? 

Trying to decide what to do....just so worried about messing up DD’s sleep (will be almost 4 when LO arrives) and having to de-girl her room/remove all the tiny toys that she loves so much...but we are in a small apartment and love having our 3rd bedroom open to our living area for extra space!

mamanbebe

@frenchbaby18 I'm going to be in the same situation as you. Does your DD sleep well? DS sleeps pretty hard, so I'm hoping that once LO sleeps through the night I can just pop them in there without too many troubles. In the meantime, they will be sleeping either in our bedroom or our third room / office / guest space in a bassinet (the switch depending on how nights are going and how disrupting it is to H's sleep). 

foodislove

@samanthak46 Asked if they are NAEYC accredidated. This matters a little less in the newborn stages, but if you are hoping to keep your child in the same daycare for some years, this becomes more important. Also ask about sleeping arrangements, what your child is/isn't allowed to have for comfort, back up policies (if they close on you, for example), sick policies, and the ratios of care giver to infant/child. What are their open/close times? What are their policies on wiggle time around drop-off and pick-up? If you are 5 minutes late due to traffic or an overrun meeting or weather, does that cost you? What about 30 minutes?

jenniferjoy37

@samanthak46 The thing that really helped me was the attentiveness of the staff. I toured 2 daycares next to our house and one daycare was extremely prompt with replying to me, the other wasn’t. The one that wasn’t, when I went to do the tour (I walked in several times) her desk was in shambles and she had to dig through papers to find my stuff. If she couldn’t keep her desk in order with all the other kids paperwork, how can I expect her to take care of my child? We went with the other daycare, and I’m super happy with them.

 

Panaceia

@frenchbaby18 similar situation here too. DD will be 5.5 when LO arrives. DD, baby and I will all be sharing a room (DD and I bed share and baby will be in a bassinet beside the bed). I'm hoping they get used to eachother's noises. DD is a pretty sound sleeper anyways so I'm hoping baby doesn't disturb her too much. I'm not going to change DD's room now. Once baby is mobile I'll see about putting the small toys where they can't be reached but for now I don't want to start changing DD's life too much all at once.

frenchbaby18

@mamanbebe yes DD sleeps very well...so worried about messing with something that’s working!! I know she spends time in her bed before falling asleep sometimes playing with toys and sometimes does the same in the morning until she is bored which gives us amazing 9am wake ups on weekends (Which i know are going away no matter what )

Agree with you that I’ll have LO in my room for at least the first 4 months, just feeling like I want to know if I need to call a contractor to close off the 3rd bedroom! And don’t want the dust around with LO!

frenchbaby18

@Panaceia glad there are others in the same situation...I think I just suddenly started worrying that with DD I had a fully planned out nursery and this time I’m just playing it by ear....

cindler

@frenchbaby18 I have no comment on the process when the new kiddo is a baby, but my sister (4 years younger) and I shared a room when we were kids. I have nothing but fond memories and would often try to sooth her to sleep when she was scared or woke up in the middle of the night. My parents say it was not uncommon for me to get her out of the crib and put her in my bed. This was once she was standing. I couldn't reach her otherwise. 

Cbeanz

@samanthak46 The biggest thing for daycare for us was the "vibe" which I think you can pick up on immediately. Some centers allowed tours anytime. They were ALWAYS ready for a tour. Others were strict about scheduled tours only on certain days which felt like I couldn't trust them. The other thing was in talking to the staff. How do they interact with babies and parents? How professional are they and how much do they seem to love their job?

NAEYC was also important to us. 

Sick policies were universal for every place we toured.

Policies around cloth diapering/ Glass bottles /Swaddles? /Special stuffed animals allowed for older kids?  Ask for a sample menu if they provide breakfast and lunch. Do they have a place for you to breastfeed if you want to stop in? Tuition during vacation? Snow day policies? Enrichment programs offered (music, second languages, sports)? How are developmental milestones evaluated? Video cameras? Daily reports? Communication with parents?

kingdommom

@frenchbaby18 There wasn't a big gap between my first two (27 months) but we decided to get a co-sleeper bassinet. Best thing ever! I never thought I would like to keep baby with us for long, but she ended up being a good sleeper and stayed in our room for nearly 7 months. When she outgrew the co-sleeper we used the pack n play. Our first daughter started having real sleep issues when we potty trained, so there were nights after LO moved into her room that we would bring her over to our room. But eventually they got used to sharing a room together and didn't wake each other up. A couple weeks ago LO (now 2) cried for a good 45 min for some reason before she fell asleep. Older DD never woke up!
As for the toys, could you put a gate up at the bedroom door and keep the baby out of the room during the day once she's crawling around?

frenchbaby18

@cindler I also have a sister 4 years younger than me but never shared a room with her (she shared with our other sister who was 13 months younger than me). My parents kept me in my own room because I was a good sleeper (haha). It’s so hard not to project what I would have wanted as a kid on my daughter!!! I do worry too if it’s different with a girl and a boy...probably not until they get quite a bit older. My husband shared a room with his sister until middle school and sees no problems at all so this is definitely a one sided debate at our house haha

frenchbaby18

@kingdommom that’s a great point of maybe revisiting my bassinet to get one that could last longer! DD’s number one goal at around 3 months was pulling up on the side of the bassinet so I had to switch her to a crib quickly but I know this one could be very different!!

I don’t know if i can fit a pack and play in my room...I think we used ours in our room a few times when friends were over but it makes getting to the bathroom hard haha! big city apartment living here...I’ll look back at the sleep solution thread to re-read the cosleeper recs!

nolemomma14

@frenchbaby18 my two don’t have quite the age gap as yours will, only 2.5 years, but they currently share a room and love it! I think it took a bit of time for the to get use to each other’s noises, but they really don’t wake each other up. My oldest almost always falls asleep immediately and the youngest will play in his crib for an hour or so before falling asleep, but never wakes my oldest up. The only little toys we really have are legos. We keep them in a bin in the closet and my oldest knows that it’s his job to put them away when he’s done playing with them, or we won’t be able to use them. As DS2 is getting older, he doesn’t really put stuff in his mouth anymore, so he’s learning to play with the legos too. 

My brother is 4 years older than me, and we shared a room until he started middle school. My parents always say it went great, and neither of us minded sharing the room 

frenchbaby18

@nolemomma14 super encouraging

You are all helping me be more accepting of the room sharing, thanks!!! LO probably won’t mind the purple accents in the room for at least a few years (or maybe he will never care!) and maybe he can cure my princess obsessed daughter....blaming that one on my mom.

runsoncoffee

@nolemomma14 when did you move your two together?! Our plan is for DS1 and DS2 to share a room too. Probably come fall. They will be newly 3 and 1.5 by then. I have no clue what a good age is to have them start sharing! But I want to keep our 4th bedroom a guest room for now.

indulgentgypsy

@frenchbaby18 my boys shared a room until we moved into our new house. They were 20 months apart and the sleep thing actually only started to be an issue recently - and that was mainly because they had to share a bed too. For now they have their own rooms, and baby girl will room/bed share with us for a while, but by the time she is crib ready, she will be sharing a room with my youngest son who will be 10 by then. He could sleep through a rock concert when he finally falls asleep, so I am not too worried. He has been told that he is not allowed to bring her into his bed until she is much older, mainly because his bed has MANY pillows and blankets and he is a heavy sleeper that moves a LOT. If she needs snuggles and comforts he can hold her, calm her, or come and get mommy or daddy if we don't get there first. 

They will room share until we build or attach an addition to our trailer. 

nolemomma14

@ccmama3 they were 3.5 and 15 months when we moved them in the same room! Maybe a couple of weeks of getting use to each other in there, but now it’s great, and I’m so glad we did it!! They’ve been in the same room now for over a year. 

runsoncoffee

@nolemomma14 thanks!! That is good to know. My youngest is still not sleeping through the night but I'm hoping by 19/20 months when we'd want to move him that he will be. Then hopefully it won't be a big deal! I think they will like it after adjusting too!

nolemomma14

@ccmama3 my youngest was 15 months when he started STTN, and that’s why we made the switch then. We still have nights here and there where he wakes up MOTN, but for the most part it’s not an issue! We originally moved them in together so that we could have an office/guest bedroom. Now the extra room is going to be the nursery 😂 

nopegoat

My 4 boys share a room. They are 8,6,4, and 2. My 1st two started sharing a room. When they were 3 and 1. Had them all 
separated into two rooms, the two bigs in one and then thethe littles in another, but they actually do better all in one room. 

scp2585

Not sure if this has been answered already, but any recommendations for what to wear during labor? I'm PICKY about fabrics so I know I'm not going to like the hospital johnny. In the labor videos shown during our birth class some of the women wore sports bra type things, short-ish but loose skirts, etc. I know all my knobs and tubes need to be accessible lol 
I already have a robe to wear in the hospital for after labor, but what options should I consider for during?? 

Happyin14

@scp2585, oh man. Good question. What did I wear? I May have been naked? Lol.

nightgown? Big shirt? Something that makes cervix checks easy and is also super comfy. Guys.... I have no clue what I wore. I guess hospital gown.

honestly, you may want to opt for whatever disposable thing they give you. At least, eventually. At home, lots of soft flowy fabric to walk around. 

nolemomma14

During labor I wore a sports bra and the gown they gave me. They’re made perfectly so any IV stuff is easily accessible, and checks can be done quickly. With my previous 2, I wore a hospital gown even after labor because they still come in to check you and it was easy to just lift the gown and let them check bleeding, the uterus, to make sure it’s going back down like it’s suppose to. I might bring a robe this time, but otherwise I’ll be rocking the gowns they provide  

JLHeisler

I'd say prepare to potentially ruin whatever you do wear while in labor.  I wore the hospital gown and as soon as everything was over and checks on me were complete I changed when I was ready.  But that was close to being released.  A robe would be nice for after and for visitors.  Nursing bras are wonderful for after as well.  

nopegoat

During actual labor you'll give zero shits about what you are wearing between nerves, pain, excitement, and everything else. 

I wore a hospital gown only. It allows for all the monitoring equipment and IV to placed easily and easy skin to skin after delivery.

Cbeanz

@scp2585 I wore the hospital gown 3x and plan to wear it again. I think even the gown came off at some point, I don't remember when and I certainly didn't care. Maybe when I got in the shower? The clothing aspect was very unimportant to me since I wasn't allowing anyone in the room and there were no photos.

After the babies were born I had a few nursing tanks and lounge pants that were loose enough to fit into since I still had a puffy belly.

Sparty18

@scp2585  I also only ended up wearing the hospital gowns despite packing like half my closet in my hospital bag, ha.  I had zero desire to put on clothes and definitely would have ruined anything I would have put on there.  That being said, I do hope to put something else on this time around for at least a few pictures, but it definitely wasn't a thing I really thought about last time.

key33

@scp2585 Just the delivery gown here as well during the delivery. 

I put real clothes on once I was able to shower. I wore fold over black yoga pants, nursing tanks and brought a robe for when I was cold. We didn’t  do visitors until after my husband and I had time alone with our children and I was able to shower and feel human again. 

gingermama46

Are birth plans really necessary? I have ideas of how I'd like things to go obviously, but then I keep thinking well shit happens and it may not go that way at all so I'll have to trust doctors and nurses. The app's articles bring it up so often, but not knowing what to expect at all I feel like I have a "ehh" attitude about it, and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

JLHeisler

@samanthak46 I have never heard of a birth plan going as planned.  I'm sure it happens but I feel like it's setting people up to be disappointed in themselves or their births right from the get go.  I say (for what my opinion is worth) go in knowing how you feel about things but be open to change.

key33

@samantha46k - I never did anything where I wrote out a birth plan. I discussed wants and opinions  with my midwife and that was the extent of my birth plan. Things can change so quick, I didn’t want to be left disappointed with the birthing experience so I never really had many expectations for what would happen. 

mamanbebe

@samanthak46 I only would suggest to educate yourself about what the hospital interventions are, like methods of induction, pain relief, the risks, benefits, etc and what your hospital's policies may be about labor, delivery and postpartum care for both mother and baby. That should allow you the right toolbox to make informed decisions in the moment. 

nolemomma14

@samanthak46 with my first I had zero plan, other than I wanted a vaginal birth, epidural and skin to skin afterwards. It went pretty typical. 

With my second I had a couple of more things I was hoping for. I wanted to walk around more, and wait longer for the epidural. I never wrote anything down, just talked with the nurses and dr when I arrived at the hospital and as things got going

runsoncoffee

@samanthak46 I never had a birth plan either (and ended up with a scheduled early induction for all my pregnancies) but one exercise we did in the childbirth class with my first that I thought was so helpful was to come up with your ideal "plan" and then go through and think about 2nd and 3rd choices (for example, unmedicated delivery vs. epidural; epidural vs. csection) With this particular exercise they had everything on cards and at the end we had to take away all of our first choices and all we were left with was the one that said "healthy baby". I share this just to say it's great to have an idea of what you want/hope for, all while knowing everything could go completely opposite! 

Cbeanz

Every mother in the universe wants a healthy baby.  Some of us are also adamant about autonomy over our own bodies and decisions affecting the birth that we choose. Doesn't mean "healthy baby" isn't the most important thing.

At the very least, educate yourself with books and books and books and talk with your OB and the L&D nurses about your preferences. Birth can have a profound effect on how a woman feels about herself for the rest of her life.  I don't think it should be taken lightly. 

I am not a person who "goes with the flow" or generally "trusts medical professionals" so YES I have a birth plan every time and YES I make my own decisions.  I recognize I'm not an ideal patient in that regard, but I also don't necessarily view unmedicated vaginal birth as a medical procedure.  Most of my birth plan is along the lines of "leave me alone and don't intervene."  So in that regard, I don't think the nurses mind me all that much. 

foodislove

@samanthak46 I didn't really have a plan per se because I knew anything could happen, but it was more a list of things to pack for myself, notes of what could help soothe me if my husband or doula forgot.

I *DID* have notes for the hospital staff - no vendors were to come into my room (they had photographers or something), I wanted my IV someplace other than my hand because needles freak me out (they didn't listen, it was terrible and I had it out as soon as I could after my emergency c-sec), I had notes on delivery requests like skin-to-skin, establishing breastfeeding, no circumcision, etc. This was in case I was super out of it (I was), and DH forgot (he did not). 

gingermama46

@foodislove @Cbeanz @ccmama3 @nolemomma14 @mamanbebe @JLHeisler @key33
Thanks for all of the advice, I appreciate it!  Our hospital is having a maternity fair that involves some info sessions and I signed us up for a birth class, I am hoping to learn more through that since the hospital is putting it on themselves.

nolemomma14

Not specifically about birth plans, but in terms of advocating your needs and wants, use your nurses! They spend far more time with you in L&D than the doctor does. Mine was wonderful about keeping people out of my room if I didn’t want anyone there, helping me try different positions until I got comfortable, and so much more. They are a wonderful resource to have on that day!

hakele

I agree so much with @cbeanz and I'm an FTM. 
At my childbirth class, they specifically discussed how having "control" or a semblance of control and empowerment at your labor is directly linked to positive labor experiences. 
A birth plan is more about defining what that "control" looks like and feels like for you. 

The other thing that comes with this control is the management of your hormones, namely Oxytocin. This is the pleasure hormone and has a directly inverse relationship to Adrenaline which is the fight/flight/fear hormone. Adrenaline makes some women stall a bit because the drive to the hospital can be stressful, whereas being at home or in an environment where you feel safe helps boost your Oxytocin. Oxytocin is used by the uterus for contractions. (I have done tons of research and watch countless videos on labor and I never learned about the psychological aspect of Oxy during labor until my class and it was mind-blowing to me.) 
For me, this is what having a birth plan is about. 

1. Having done enough research to know the basics about what you want to happen. 
 - Who do you want to have present? 
 - What will the environment be like to help you feel safe, calm, comfortable? 
 - What interventions are you okay with and at what point? 

2. Preparing your birth partner with the information because, in the heat of labor, you may need someone else to advocate for you or help translate your needs to medical staff. 

3. What should happen post birth? 
 - Who cuts the cord? 
 - Who is welcome to visit and when? 
 - Skin to Skin time, circumcision, etc. 

I found this document (mentioned above) and I think it is a great place to start to lead a discussion between you, your birthing partner, and your medical team. 
 https://healthy.kaiserpermanente.org/content/dam/kporg/maternity/pdf/birth-plan-2.pdf 
I also agree with the above that the more information you have about birth, the labor process, what you can expect at your hospital, you are setting yourself up for a positive birth experience.