@sorarose I’m very sorry to see you here.💔 Going through loss is so so hard, and the emotions you’re feeling are all ok—no matter what they are. Hugs to you.❤️
@sorarose I am so sorry for your loss. 💚 @Spartanrd4 thank you for sharing your experience with late O. I know everyone is different and I can't go by everything I read online.
@sorarose I'm so sorry you're back here, but this group of ladies is amazingly supportive. I hope it helps you through the tough days like it did me. I hope you get some clearer answers soon. Hugs
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@sorarose I am so sorry. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are "suffering w/ symptoms and nothing to show for it"-- I very much felt that same way and wish that upon no one else.
@sorarose I am sorry you find yourself here- My first pregnancy was a MMC and its true you feel so betrayed by your body. I hope you find a lot of support here.
My current stiuation is in a spoiler as is talks about a current MMC
I found out at our 8week scan that baby was only measuring 6 weeks with no HB. 11 days later I had a follow up scan at 10weeks and the baby showed no growth, no HB. I still haven't technically miscarried so I hope i'm okay posting here. I haven't had any cramping, no spotting, but most my SS are gone. I'm probably going to do a D&C next week if things still don't happen. I don't want to do a D&C but I have really bad PTSD from witnessing a shooting years ago and I don't need to add any more graphic/bloody memories in my head. So my doctor thinks a D&C will be best to proceed.
I have a question for anyone who experienced a MMC. Did you ever start to just feel toxic? My body feels like I have eaten nothing but doughnuts and hotdogs for a week. I'm thinking is all the byproducts of breakdown? My insides just feel like trash.
Status: benched
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm just sad all the time. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo/pergatory. I'm mad that I'm kinda bring forced to decide how to escalate the MC since my body can't figure it out. I'm also terrified if I do MC naturally how painful/emotional/graphic it will be. It's also just unbearable not knowing when it's going to happen and just waiting for the inevitable. I had to tell my mom today since I'm probably having surgery and I'm terrified of surgical complications.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope
GTKY: When you go out to breakfast/brunch, do you usually order something sweet or savory? I usually mix both. Sweet with mimosas. Savory like a veggie omlette or huevos rancheros/chilaquiles. I basically live off of egg whites most weeks.
I'm sorry this post is so graphic and terrible. I hope it's okay to post here as I'm kinda in the gray area of TTC.
@wanderlost I think it's fine for you to post here. I've had 3 MMC's and lots of waiting for it to happen. I had one D&C and used Cytotec for the other two. There is no "good" option and they all come with their own issues. The waiting and limbo and repeat US's are so hard, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you have specific questions you can always PM me. I'm pretty open and not easily triggered by the details. Hugs to you.
@wanderlost you are completely welcome here! I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with those decisions.
Y’all, the last two days have been complete shit. To the point I had to tell my boss that something’s up. I didn’t say what, just that life really sucks right now. I was doing well and then went right back to almost step 1. Hadn’t cried in a week, not at work in 1.5 weeks. And that all ended yesterday and again today. Got an email yesterday that some work I had done while actively MCing needed to be redone because of a typo. My response to that was much more blunt than normally would have been but it was a hell of a lot better than EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR A FUCKING TYPO WHILE I WAS HAVING A FUCKING MISCARRIAGE which was my gut reaction. Their response to my email, to my boss, was that I was lacking a sense of urgency and ownership. And that’s when I lost it. Right, I have no sense of fucking urgency despite coming in when I wanted to be a million miles away from the nearest human being and the only reason I was in was because of your fucking report. No sense of fucking urgency as I worked with tears streaming down my face. You can go fuck right off with that bullshit. Luckily I have a really amazing boss. He is amazingly supportive. I know I’ll be okay eventually but it really does feel like the healing process has started over from the beginning.
@_khaleesi hugs. 💜 @wanderlost I am so sorry for your loss and that you're in limbo. It's totally OK to post here, you'll find these ladies are amazing and supportive.
@_khaleesi ugh that is rough but I am glad your boss is awesome and supportive because that is so important.
@wanderlost I had a MMC and the baby had passed about 2 weeks before we found out what happened. I ended up having a D&C 3 days later mostly because my hcg was really high and they were worried about bleeding and also because I just wanted the process to be over as quickly as possible....I don't think I would of been strong emotionally do go through it at home. I hope your time in limbo is short and you will find a lot of support here.
@wanderlost On the flip side of what @spartanr said regarding D&C versus medication, I found out about my MMC (growth had stopped 2.5 weeks prior around 5pm on a Friday and would have had to wait until the following week to have a D&C, so I opted for the medication to allow for it to happen privately at home over the weekend. I think there is no right or easy way to go through this, so it just depends on what is best for you in your situation. It bothers me when someone tries to imply there is a better way to go through this because it is devastating no matter what.
@_khaleesi I'm so sorry you're struggling at work. My HR rep was kind enough to give me a few days of bereavement for mine which I truly appreciated. I can't imagine dealing with work stress on top of everything. Big hugs ❤️
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@wanderlost My situation with my recent mmc was similar--no HB at 8 weeks, but there was no... follow-up u/s after that. I was given the three options then & there: wait, meds, or d&c. I was sort of just... stuck in the moment, but DH was there, & he encouraged the D&C for similar reasons as @Spartanrd4--he didn't want me to deal w/ me passing it naturally bc of the emotional & physical toll--my cp had been insanely physically painful & what we'd hoped was our rainbow had been such a relief emotionally for the toll the cp had taken on me mentally. I can't say I *enjoyed* my d&c experience, but I can say that everyone was soooo nice and supportive and professional from the moment I entered the building, and that was hugely helpful. But I agree w/ @shamrocandrollthat there's no One Right Way & what's best for you, though not an easy decision, is best--and that I was super glad MH helped me make it because I would have definitely dithered. (I just googled "to dither" to make sure 1) it was a word [yes] and 2) I was using it right [yes].)
This morning I woke up and still no period on what would be CD40. It just FINALLY started and I feel so relieved I could cry, but holy sh*t cramps and heavy flow. I just want this all behind me. One more cycle benched, I think, just to make sure my body gets a little bit of a reset.
ETA censor
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@wanderlost im sorry for your loss. I found the waiting and gray area part to be the worst. I had a MMC diagnosed at almost 8 weeks. I was given the choice between Misprostol and D&C but my RE was advising I go the Misoprostol route. I ended up doing that. Idk if D&C would have been better or worse. It's all horrible. But I liked that I could miscarry at home. I agree with the others there really isn't a right or wrong way.
@shamrocandroll I'm glad you finally got AF. Mine was 38 days so very similar. And it was also very heavy and more crampy than normal. Yay for your last cycle on the bench!
@shamrocandroll YESSSS. Yes, yes, yes! Though boo to the cramps and heavy flow. I hope I can commiserate soon. Meanwhile, get out that heating pad & take care of yourself! Also, "heavy flow" made me think of MEAN GIRLS...
AFM... rant ahead...
Ugghhhh. I just got a bill from my ob's office for... everything they did for my pregnancy through my mmc, i guess? I guess ~normally* they group what they're billing me for together into a lump sum-- all the early visits thru delivery bc they weren't having me pay visit by visit, and they HAD sent me a "you'll owe this once you deliver" bill-- so I'm guessing this is, like, the bill for my visits up until my mmc, which were numerous bc they wanted me in to monitor before the normal 8 week appt bc of my prev. cp--which now, I'm like "why" bc it's not like they can prevent anything bad from happening by tracking? UGH. I'm so sad AND frustrated/annoyed bc we have no $ (literally & I am using the word literally correctly), and the d&c bill we still haven't paid was 1K higher than the ob's office predicted it would be and is due on my birthday. i just... want to cry but i have no crying in me. I am just like--wild w/ too many emotions. At one point one of them was like why even bother trying again bc if this happens again we'll owe thousands of dollars we can't afford again for nothing.
I guess the good thing is w/ medical bills there's usually not a late fee? So hopefully we can work out installment plans w/ the ob's office and the surgical hospital once we have $ to offer them. It's just all too much on top of our really bad financial situation like DESPITE all of this. And I am not ready to try to call either place to set those up yet emotionally let alone, like, not having money. Okay. Thanks for reading.
@kagesstarshroom ugh that sucks about the medical bills. Stings enough then hey btw now pay for your loss. I mean, they gotta get paid but it still sucks emotionally.They will absolutely work with you on a payment plan if you ask! Seriously, medical providers are happy to reliably get just 10 bucks/month. GL!
@wanderlost I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a similar story with MMC and I opted for the D&C but just like everyone else said, there is no right option. It really depends on you but I am happy to share more information about my D&C experience if you would like to learn more, just PM me. I wish you the best of luck. Its a tough decision. Sending hugs.
@_khaleesi I'm sorry you had such a bad week at work. Hope it gets better. Sending hugs.
@shamrocandroll glad AF finally showed up. I started spotting today so I am hopefully but the back pain is killing me.
@kagesstarshroom that sucks about your medical bills. I think it's worth a shot to try to get it in installments or lowered. Worse that can happen is they say no and you're back where you started. Of course, once you're ready to deal with it emotionally. Sending hugs.
I have my D&C in the morning. So far all the doctors have been amazing and supportive even with my random questions and strange requests. I opted for general anasthesia because I can't imagine being awake knowing what they are doing. I'm terrified and emotional and just so bummed that this is the last night (for now) I'm technically pregnant. This is kinda irrational but I'm terrified of surgical complications!
@kagesstarshroom I'm so sorry. Going through this is awful enough, then to get a massive bill is terrible. Do you have insurance? Can the medical biller change some coding w/ the insurance company (to medically necessary codes) so you pay less out of pocket? I payed off a lot of medical debt in my early 20's by working with the medical billing dept to change coding to covered procedures (sometimes the same procedure has different codes, one not being covered), and straight telling them I can't pay that amount, and asked them for a low-income out of pocket pricing. Some bills I payed $15 a month for years. (I was in college at the time and had nothing).
And the hits keep on coming. I could use some hair pats. 😞
I’m lying in bed wide awake at 2am because yet again the pressure of needing to sleep so I can get a good temp because I should be o’ing if things are back to normal has gotten to me. Not that it matters because the pressure of HIO ED has also gotten to H and TMI he has had performance issues the last two days so there’s not much going on, which unfortunately also perfectly coincided with when I started oozing EWCF. Which only adds to the pressure of temping because if I didn’t o today then I’ve lost all hope for this cycle since he works tomorrow (or I guess technically today) which will be 3 days in a row of no HIO and no end in sight. And the thought of not even having a chance at this cycle is utterly and completely devestating to me. But of course I can’t tell him that because it will only make things worse, so then I turn to this place so I can at least get it off my chest. I had read that some research indicates you’re slightly more fertile immediately after an early loss so I was hoping and praying we would get lucky right away. But of course that’s not even possible if you don’t HIO. 😞😞😞
I did just buy some OPKs off of amazon that will get here Saturday. I bought both wondfo and pregmate because I know a lot of ladies here use wondfo but pregmate also had excellent reviews and is slightly less expensive. I’ll try them both out and see which I like best. I think my plan moving forward is to not even attempt to pinpoint o, but simply use the OPKs to know it should be happening soonish and then use a random grab bag of days I’m actually able to temp to confirm it happened. My post o temp is religiously 97.8-98.1 so at least I’ve got that going for me. And then I don’t have to make H feel pressured to HIO with a purpose so much. I feel awful that I did that to him.
Any tips for using OPKs? Some quick reading suggests I should use them twice a day and not early morning but I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to use them at work. Guess I’ll figure that out another time.
Do they go stark negative, no line at all, after o? Wondering if there’s a way I can use them Saturday to help figure out if I’ve o’d if I’m unable to get a temp Saturday morning. Of course since I’m still first cycle AL, all the CF and a stark negative OPK could mean I haven’t o’d at all and am not even about to, despite the fact that in 80% of regular cycles I have o’d by now.
Can I also add that I spent yet another hour sobbing into H’s arms and, bless the man he’s only trying to help, but I had to tell him to stop trying to make me feel better by telling me stories of all these people he knows that are pregnant right now after essentially a one night stand. He thinks he’s giving me hope that it can happen just like that, but as you all know that’s not at all what that does.
And it’s painfully obvious that TTC has officially turned into everything I was afraid of and didn’t want it to be. 😰
Y’all, I subconsciously avoid this thread because it is so dang sad and then I physically avoid it because it’s hard to belong here. I’m not a crier at all but I usually have a lump in my throat every time I read your updates.
@_khaleesi I am SO SORRY about work crap. That sounds like the work language of my last job and I understand the culture of that environment. That SUCKS! You should talk to HR about some bereavement days. On another note, sorry about the stress with YH. On a separate note, have fun w the OPKs; I use Pregmate & they’re distinctly positive/not positive.
@wanderlost I am truly sorry for what you’re experiencing. I’m praying for you that the procedure goes perfectly this morning and that you find some solace/relief/eventual peace. I had a somewhat similar experience but was feeling toxic for a while before the loss. The moment the procedure was over I felt better, sadly.
@kagesstarshroom F that bill! I’m sorry, but this adding insult to injury crap is just horrible. I had a bill from my late loss that I didn’t even see in my throes of despair, and the a-holes sent it to collections in the second month of it being due! The worst
As for me, that drive-by yesterday really set something off. I don’t ever respond to those idiotic ones but today I wanted to scream “I’m tired because I can’t sleep at night this entire month of March because I’m supposed to be holding my newborn in my arms any day now BUT I’M NOT, so ‘how do I go about my day, can you help me with that’?!?!”
I’m just at a loss this month emotionally. I didn’t know this milestone would hit me so hard. I knew I was pregnant for 4.5 months, it’s been 4.5 months since I lost my baby girl, my BMB went private last month and even though I didn’t lurk there very often because it was too hard, them moving away to FB has made me feel like it wasn’t even real that I was a part of that group for so long. I’m just so sad & weepy at night & I rarely ever cry so this is just all a lot. And my loss at 5 weeks recently is making me worried whether we will get the happy ending. I know that’s just my emotion talking and not my logical and always optimistic brain,but that’s been my mood in March. Very hard. Thanks for listening. I know you all understand. I’m just so sad about my little baby girl who was due in 10 days. I miss her so much.
March is difficult for me too. With yesterday being my due date and my 39th birthday this month, I am having a tough time. And the BFN yesterday stung extra. I know it certainly doesnt make things better, but a friend told me to treat myself to something yesterday, and I did. And it helped. I went to sephora and bough myself some things. I have found that throwing myself into healthy living has helped me be hopeful. So thats what I plan to continue to do.
@keikilove I am so so sorry. You are a stronger person than me for I probably could not have bit my lip like you did. Definitely treat yourself like @kerco925 said and do not feel the least bit guilty about it. You have earned it in the worst kind of way. Words just cannot express how sad I am for you. I totally hear you on this thread being so sad and a reminder of what you’ve experienced. For me, at the same time, it’s also the only place I feel I can be me and not hide what I’ve experienced. All the other threads, it feels like what I’ve experienced is shameful and can’t be mentioned. As for Work, I think I’m going to cave and give my boss the full story. He’s worried about me because he truly is great, and he’s doing everything he can to take things off my plate right now. And I think it will help a lot of things make sense for him. I love my job and the people I work with, it was just awful timing where this massively important project hit at the exact same time to the day, the person we were doing the work for has a history of flakiness that makes things unnecessarily difficult, and we are short staffed so I had already committed to taking it on to help protect my staff from that flakiness.
@kerco925 I am so glad you treated yourself and that it brought you some happiness! You deserve to be happy. Hugs to you, and try to have a happy birthday.
@wanderlost Best of luck today! I am sure it will go smoothly, and I hope you can heal quickly emotionally and physically. Big hugs!
@_khaleesi I would recommend you look into the SMEP (sperm meets egg plan) method. It's more of an every other day method, and I know a lot of ladies here had success with it. For the OPKs, I found them a little bit confusing at first (I've used Wondfo and easy@home) but you eventually get the hang of it. The tricky thing with OPKs is that a test line doesn't mean positive. The test line has to be at least as dark or darker than the control line. That really confused me until I got my first absolute positive OPK. For me, it didn't go back to totally gone right away, but the day after O, the line was more faint, and then it did go away a day or two later. I hope they help make you feel like you have more control! Also, if it helps you feel better, I chose not to try the cycle after my CP because I wanted to have a couple of cycles to really make sure I understand what my normal cycle is now. I also had back-to-back losses, so part of me wonders if I should have waited another cycle after my first loss. I hope you can overcome your anxiety soon!
@keikilove I have a love/hate relationship with this thread too. I hate that I'm here, but I love that we're all there for each other and genuinely understand feelings that no one else does. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I hope your happy ending comes soon. Big hugs!
@kerco925 Big hugs to you as well. Those should-be dates are so hard.
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@keikilove Oh wow, I can relate to so much of what you said. Even my last BMB moving on without me - of course they did, but it was so hard when that door closed. Please know you're not alone. So many hugs.
@kerco925 My 38th birthday was in February and that was my due date month too. I was completely unprepared for how hard that ended up being.
@_khaleesi I feel like there should be a name for the pressure/obsession you're describing. i also had gushing CM post d&c. I would say--take the pressure off of BBT at the least, and do that by either dropping doing it OR (instead, like I do) just whenever the heck you first wake up past a certain time (mine is 6am), temp. You can also adjust temps, though FF doesn't recommend that. As for O, SMEP takes some of the pressure off of knowing exactly when you've O'd bc you're just doing it all the time, which I think @shamrocandroll was getting at above. Annnd as for the OPKs, they're still a mystery to me. The lines have to be exactly the same to confirm your luteal phase is approaching, and you're supposed to hold your pee for 4 hours and not use FMU--so twice a day does make sense. One of the things I read in one of the books I read (I think it was called TRYING AGAIN) emphasized that keeping bedroom time romantic rather than baby-making duty time is really helpful emotionally. Here are somethings that helped me: Thinking about a cycle when I don't conceive, I think of it as an opportunity for me to learn more about my cycle and for MH and I to learn more about ourselves. When I had my CP, I poured myself into TTC as though that would make me feel better about my loss, and I didn't give myself proper time to grieve--for my MMC, I've been trying to recognize these feelings of grief coupled with pressure, and come to terms that nothing will replace those losses--every day, every cycle, is a new cycle, a new chance.
@keikilove Ugh I'm so sorry that March is hitting you so hard. I've not been back to the 9/18 BMB since I left except when I newbie tagged me to be like "due date twins!" and I just.... was pretty numb luckily at that moment to not be affected. I have hope, though, that I'll have a successful run at this some day and help to figure out a way to make sure that doesn't happen to others? ANYWAY, back to you: my logical brain fights with my emotional games and the what-if's too--I hate that I know something is more possible than my emotional brain is letting me think. Thanks for your words about my bill fiasco yesterday. I'm gonna make sure I call them before the due date so it doesn't go to collections bc that would just be so bad. That really sucks that they did that!
@kerco925 Throwing myself into healthy living is a thing that is making me feel better, too, and I'm so proud of you for doing something for yrself on that milestone day. You have a good friend in your ear. Out of curiosity, when's yr bday? I know there's a few of us in March--I'm the 26th! I really love birthdays as days when we are allowed to unabashedly celebrate ourselves, so even though another year comes w/ complex emotions for all of us at TTCAL, I still hope you use your day when it comes to celebrate how awesome you are.
@wanderlost Thanks so much for your bill advice! I do have insurance through the ACA though--I'm a grad student and MH is self-employed and neither of us get health insurance through what we do right now. I feeeel like my insurance should have covered more than they did. Or maybe we're just DEFINITELY reaching that deductible this year, wow. I also feel like I'm having trouble understanding parts of the bill (maybe bc it's difficult for me to spend time with), so--when I'm ready-- perhaps calling and asking about some of the things you've mentioned would at least give me piece of mind the bill is RIGHT, and I can go from there.
Alright yall, March is IN LIKE A LION, OUT LIKE A LAMB. We've had a lot of lion on this thread, but I am here to declare that we are almost at LAMB stage. 1-2 more days of lion? I hope? Then peace, love, harmony, flowers, and if not--lamb chops it is.
I just want to give all of you ladies hugs. I’m so sorry that any of you are here and it hurts my heart to read all of these.
@kagesstarshroom those bills hit like a ton of bricks. I’m so sorry you are dealing with all that right now. Lots of hugs.
@wanderlost all the love and light your way today. For me, my d&c’s were the easy part. Lots of hugs and I’m sure everything will go smoothly ❤️.
@keikilove so many hugs for you. I’m so sorry you are having a hard time right now.
@_khaleesi Hio Ed was our breaking point. Dh couldn’t perform enough and the stress was too much. I agree with looking into SMEP. EOD/just trying our best has helped us relax and make it a little more fun. The best thing I’ve learned to do is just take a cycle after a loss to breathe and try to regroup. Sending lots of hugs your way too.
@wanderlost Good luck with your D&C today. I hope it all works out and you have a speedy recovery. Sending positive thoughts your way.
@_khaleesi I agree with everyone else when they say that taking the pressure off really helps with my DH. We've had times when the pressure was too much for him. I am also going to try the SMEP method and have been reading up on it. Also good luck with telling your boss, seems like he's an understanding person.
@keikilove I just want to give you a hug. Those dates are so hard to deal with. The due date for my first loss is next week and I'm trying not to think about but I'm pretty sure I'll be a mess. But the idea to treat yourself like @kerco925 suggested seems like a good idea to me, I'll try it too. Sending you love and hugs.
@_khaleesi Just came back to add that another benefit to SMEP/EOD is it gives a more optimal amount of time for rebuilding sperm count, so can actually be more effective than ED!
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I'm beyond frustrated and need to just move on, but the doctor seems to be intent on prolonging my misery. My HCG went up 20% from 49,205 to 58, 611 in 2 days, which OB said is still normal at 7 weeks, so I have to freaking repeat HCG tomorrow and schedule another u/s for next week. I lost it on the doctor's line and said either your u/s machine is broken and I would like to do that elsewhere or it's not and this needs to end. I'm incredibly anxious about the risk factors with medication or a D&C anyway and compounded with still having pregnancy symptoms, I'm an absolute mess.
ETA: I also need a rhogam shot whenever this all happens, which is compounding the circus surrounding all of this.
@sorarose I’m so sorry. I needed rhogam too and it’s just like adding insult to injury. I hope they figure it out soon so you can be out of limbo. Hugs ❤️
@keikilove I’m sorry you’re having to deal with due dates. I am dreading when that will happen for me. Hitting the announcement date stage was hard enough. I know the actual due date will be very difficult. Hugs❤️
I just want to thank you all. It really is invaluable having this group, even though none of us wants to be a part of this club. I appreciate each & every one of you.
Re: TTCAL w/o 3/11
@Spartanrd4 thank you for sharing your experience with late O. I know everyone is different and I can't go by everything I read online.
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
My current stiuation is in a spoiler as is talks about a current MMC
I found out at our 8week scan that baby was only measuring 6 weeks with no HB. 11 days later I had a follow up scan at 10weeks and the baby showed no growth, no HB. I still haven't technically miscarried so I hope i'm okay posting here. I haven't had any cramping, no spotting, but most my SS are gone. I'm probably going to do a D&C next week if things still don't happen. I don't want to do a D&C but I have really bad PTSD from witnessing a shooting years ago and I don't need to add any more graphic/bloody memories in my head. So my doctor thinks a D&C will be best to proceed.
I have a question for anyone who experienced a MMC. Did you ever start to just feel toxic? My body feels like I have eaten nothing but doughnuts and hotdogs for a week. I'm thinking is all the byproducts of breakdown? My insides just feel like trash.
Status: benched
How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm just sad all the time. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo/pergatory. I'm mad that I'm kinda bring forced to decide how to escalate the MC since my body can't figure it out. I'm also terrified if I do MC naturally how painful/emotional/graphic it will be. It's also just unbearable not knowing when it's going to happen and just waiting for the inevitable. I had to tell my mom today since I'm probably having surgery and I'm terrified of surgical complications.
Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope
GTKY: When you go out to breakfast/brunch, do you usually order something sweet or savory? I usually mix both. Sweet with mimosas. Savory like a veggie omlette or huevos rancheros/chilaquiles. I basically live off of egg whites most weeks.
I'm sorry this post is so graphic and terrible. I hope it's okay to post here as I'm kinda in the gray area of TTC.
Y’all, the last two days have been complete shit. To the point I had to tell my boss that something’s up. I didn’t say what, just that life really sucks right now. I was doing well and then went right back to almost step 1. Hadn’t cried in a week, not at work in 1.5 weeks. And that all ended yesterday and again today. Got an email yesterday that some work I had done while actively MCing needed to be redone because of a typo. My response to that was much more blunt than normally would have been but it was a hell of a lot better than EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR A FUCKING TYPO WHILE I WAS HAVING A FUCKING MISCARRIAGE which was my gut reaction. Their response to my email, to my boss, was that I was lacking a sense of urgency and ownership. And that’s when I lost it. Right, I have no sense of fucking urgency despite coming in when I wanted to be a million miles away from the nearest human being and the only reason I was in was because of your fucking report. No sense of fucking urgency as I worked with tears streaming down my face. You can go fuck right off with that bullshit. Luckily I have a really amazing boss. He is amazingly supportive. I know I’ll be okay eventually but it really does feel like the healing process has started over from the beginning.
@wanderlost I am so sorry for your loss and that you're in limbo. It's totally OK to post here, you'll find these ladies are amazing and supportive.
@wanderlost I had a MMC and the baby had passed about 2 weeks before we found out what happened. I ended up having a D&C 3 days later mostly because my hcg was really high and they were worried about bleeding and also because I just wanted the process to be over as quickly as possible....I don't think I would of been strong emotionally do go through it at home. I hope your time in limbo is short and you will find a lot of support here.
@_khaleesi I'm so sorry you're struggling at work. My HR rep was kind enough to give me a few days of bereavement for mine which I truly appreciated. I can't imagine dealing with work stress on top of everything. Big hugs ❤️
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
ETA censor
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
@shamrocandroll I'm glad you finally got AF. Mine was 38 days so very similar. And it was also very heavy and more crampy than normal. Yay for your last cycle on the bench!
TTC#1 - March 2013
BFP 8/9/13 - EDD 4/14/14 - DS born 4/23/14
TTC#2 November 2015
Dx: Secondary IF June 2016
Medicated IUI cycle#1- Clomid+IUI -1/15/17 -BFN
Break Mid 2017 - Resumed TTC December 2018
"She believed she could so she did..."
Medicated IUI cycle#2- Femara 5mg+IUI 12/22/18 - BFP 1/4/19 - MMC 2/1/19
Saline Sono 3/15/19 - All Clear!
Medicated IUI cycle#3- Femara 7.5mg+IUI 3/28/19-BFN
Medicated IUI cycle#4- Femara 5mg+Gonal F 50iu+IUI 4/27/19- BFP 5/11/19 - MMC 6/12/19 - D&C 6/14/19-
Incomplete M/C Repeat D&C - 7/3/19 -Testing concluded baby was genetically normal
Dx: Unexplained RPL July 2019 - Tested + as carrier for Usher Syndrome & Familial Mediterranean Fever
Saline Sono 8/7/19 - Mostly Clear! All systems go for IVF#1
But will need a repeat Saline Sono between ER and FET
IVF #1 - Antagonist Protocol - 8/17/19
ER#1 8/27/19 - 12R, 6F, 4 biopsied+frozen! (3d5blasts + 1d6blast)- 2 PGS normal embabies!
Saline Sono 9/13/19 - All Clear! Onto FET Prep#1
FET#1 - 4AA -10/4/19 - BFP 10/14/19 - EDD - 6/21/20 -Beta#1-10dp5dt- 379 Beta#2-12dp5dt- 1007 Beta#3-14dp5dt- 2844
DD born 6/15/20
AFM... rant ahead...
Ugghhhh. I just got a bill from my ob's office for... everything they did for my pregnancy through my mmc, i guess? I guess ~normally* they group what they're billing me for together into a lump sum-- all the early visits thru delivery bc they weren't having me pay visit by visit, and they HAD sent me a "you'll owe this once you deliver" bill-- so I'm guessing this is, like, the bill for my visits up until my mmc, which were numerous bc they wanted me in to monitor before the normal 8 week appt bc of my prev. cp--which now, I'm like "why" bc it's not like they can prevent anything bad from happening by tracking? UGH. I'm so sad AND frustrated/annoyed bc we have no $ (literally & I am using the word literally correctly), and the d&c bill we still haven't paid was 1K higher than the ob's office predicted it would be and is due on my birthday. i just... want to cry but i have no crying in me. I am just like--wild w/ too many emotions. At one point one of them was like why even bother trying again bc if this happens again we'll owe thousands of dollars we can't afford again for nothing.
I guess the good thing is w/ medical bills there's usually not a late fee? So hopefully we can work out installment plans w/ the ob's office and the surgical hospital once we have $ to offer them. It's just all too much on top of our really bad financial situation like DESPITE all of this. And I am not ready to try to call either place to set those up yet emotionally let alone, like, not having money. Okay. Thanks for reading.
@kagesstarshroom ugh that sucks about the medical bills. Stings enough then hey btw now pay for your loss. I mean, they gotta get paid but it still sucks emotionally.They will absolutely work with you on a payment plan if you ask! Seriously, medical providers are happy to reliably get just 10 bucks/month. GL!
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
@_khaleesi I'm sorry you had such a bad week at work. Hope it gets better. Sending hugs.
@shamrocandroll glad AF finally showed up. I started spotting today so I am hopefully but the back pain is killing me.
@kagesstarshroom that sucks about your medical bills. I think it's worth a shot to try to get it in installments or lowered. Worse that can happen is they say no and you're back where you started. Of course, once you're ready to deal with it emotionally. Sending hugs.
I have my D&C in the morning. So far all the doctors have been amazing and supportive even with my random questions and strange requests. I opted for general anasthesia because I can't imagine being awake knowing what they are doing. I'm terrified and emotional and just so bummed that this is the last night (for now) I'm technically pregnant. This is kinda irrational but I'm terrified of surgical complications!
@kagesstarshroom I'm so sorry. Going through this is awful enough, then to get a massive bill is terrible. Do you have insurance? Can the medical biller change some coding w/ the insurance company (to medically necessary codes) so you pay less out of pocket? I payed off a lot of medical debt in my early 20's by working with the medical billing dept to change coding to covered procedures (sometimes the same procedure has different codes, one not being covered), and straight telling them I can't pay that amount, and asked them for a low-income out of pocket pricing. Some bills I payed $15 a month for years. (I was in college at the time and had nothing).
I’m lying in bed wide awake at 2am because yet again the pressure of needing to sleep so I can get a good temp because I should be o’ing if things are back to normal has gotten to me. Not that it matters because the pressure of HIO ED has also gotten to H and TMI he has had performance issues the last two days so there’s not much going on, which unfortunately also perfectly coincided with when I started oozing EWCF. Which only adds to the pressure of temping because if I didn’t o today then I’ve lost all hope for this cycle since he works tomorrow (or I guess technically today) which will be 3 days in a row of no HIO and no end in sight. And the thought of not even having a chance at this cycle is utterly and completely devestating to me. But of course I can’t tell him that because it will only make things worse, so then I turn to this place so I can at least get it off my chest. I had read that some research indicates you’re slightly more fertile immediately after an early loss so I was hoping and praying we would get lucky right away. But of course that’s not even possible if you don’t HIO. 😞😞😞
I did just buy some OPKs off of amazon that will get here Saturday. I bought both wondfo and pregmate because I know a lot of ladies here use wondfo but pregmate also had excellent reviews and is slightly less expensive. I’ll try them both out and see which I like best. I think my plan moving forward is to not even attempt to pinpoint o, but simply use the OPKs to know it should be happening soonish and then use a random grab bag of days I’m actually able to temp to confirm it happened. My post o temp is religiously 97.8-98.1 so at least I’ve got that going for me. And then I don’t have to make H feel pressured to HIO with a purpose so much. I feel awful that I did that to him.
Any tips for using OPKs? Some quick reading suggests I should use them twice a day and not early morning but I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to use them at work. Guess I’ll figure that out another time.
Do they go stark negative, no line at all, after o? Wondering if there’s a way I can use them Saturday to help figure out if I’ve o’d if I’m unable to get a temp Saturday morning. Of course since I’m still first cycle AL, all the CF and a stark negative OPK could mean I haven’t o’d at all and am not even about to, despite the fact that in 80% of regular cycles I have o’d by now.
Can I also add that I spent yet another hour sobbing into H’s arms and, bless the man he’s only trying to help, but I had to tell him to stop trying to make me feel better by telling me stories of all these people he knows that are pregnant right now after essentially a one night stand. He thinks he’s giving me hope that it can happen just like that, but as you all know that’s not at all what that does.
And it’s painfully obvious that TTC has officially turned into everything I was afraid of and didn’t want it to be. 😰
if if you read all that, bless you and thank you.
@_khaleesi I am SO SORRY about work crap. That sounds like the work language of my last job and I understand the culture of that environment. That SUCKS! You should talk to HR about some bereavement days. On another note, sorry about the stress with YH. On a separate note, have fun w the OPKs; I use Pregmate & they’re distinctly positive/not positive.
@wanderlost I am truly sorry for what you’re experiencing. I’m praying for you that the procedure goes perfectly this morning and that you find some solace/relief/eventual peace. I had a somewhat similar experience but was feeling toxic for a while before the loss. The moment the procedure was over I felt better, sadly.
@kagesstarshroom F that bill! I’m sorry, but this adding insult to injury crap is just horrible. I had a bill from my late loss that I didn’t even see in my throes of despair, and the a-holes sent it to collections in the second month of it being due! The worst
As for me, that drive-by yesterday really set something off. I don’t ever respond to those idiotic ones but today I wanted to scream “I’m tired because I can’t sleep at night this entire month of March because I’m supposed to be holding my newborn in my arms any day now BUT I’M NOT, so ‘how do I go about my day, can you help me with that’?!?!”
I’m just at a loss this month emotionally. I didn’t know this milestone would hit me so hard. I knew I was pregnant for 4.5 months, it’s been 4.5 months since I lost my baby girl, my BMB went private last
month and even though I didn’t lurk there very often because it was too hard, them moving away to FB has made me feel like it wasn’t even real that I was a part of that group for so long. I’m just so sad & weepy at night & I rarely ever cry so this is just all a lot. And my loss at 5 weeks recently is making me worried whether we will get the happy ending. I know that’s just my emotion talking and not my logical and always optimistic brain,but that’s been my mood in March. Very hard. Thanks for listening. I know you all understand. I’m just so sad about my little baby girl who was due in 10 days. I miss her so much.
March is difficult for me too. With yesterday being my due date and my 39th birthday this month, I am having a tough time. And the BFN yesterday stung extra. I know it certainly doesnt make things better, but a friend told me to treat myself to something yesterday, and I did. And it helped. I went to sephora and bough myself some things. I have found that throwing myself into healthy living has helped me be hopeful. So thats what I plan to continue to do.
@kerco925 I am so glad you treated yourself and that it brought you some happiness! You deserve to be happy. Hugs to you, and try to have a happy birthday.
@_khaleesi I would recommend you look into the SMEP (sperm meets egg plan) method. It's more of an every other day method, and I know a lot of ladies here had success with it. For the OPKs, I found them a little bit confusing at first (I've used Wondfo and easy@home) but you eventually get the hang of it. The tricky thing with OPKs is that a test line doesn't mean positive. The test line has to be at least as dark or darker than the control line. That really confused me until I got my first absolute positive OPK. For me, it didn't go back to totally gone right away, but the day after O, the line was more faint, and then it did go away a day or two later. I hope they help make you feel like you have more control! Also, if it helps you feel better, I chose not to try the cycle after my CP because I wanted to have a couple of cycles to really make sure I understand what my normal cycle is now. I also had back-to-back losses, so part of me wonders if I should have waited another cycle after my first loss. I hope you can overcome your anxiety soon!
@keikilove I have a love/hate relationship with this thread too. I hate that I'm here, but I love that we're all there for each other and genuinely understand feelings that no one else does. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I hope your happy ending comes soon. Big hugs!
@kerco925 Big hugs to you as well. Those should-be dates are so hard.
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
@kerco925 My 38th birthday was in February and that was my due date month too. I was completely unprepared for how hard that ended up being.
@_khaleesi I feel like there should be a name for the pressure/obsession you're describing. i also had gushing CM post d&c. I would say--take the pressure off of BBT at the least, and do that by either dropping doing it OR (instead, like I do) just whenever the heck you first wake up past a certain time (mine is 6am), temp. You can also adjust temps, though FF doesn't recommend that. As for O, SMEP takes some of the pressure off of knowing exactly when you've O'd bc you're just doing it all the time, which I think @shamrocandroll was getting at above. Annnd as for the OPKs, they're still a mystery to me. The lines have to be exactly the same to confirm your luteal phase is approaching, and you're supposed to hold your pee for 4 hours and not use FMU--so twice a day does make sense. One of the things I read in one of the books I read (I think it was called TRYING AGAIN) emphasized that keeping bedroom time romantic rather than baby-making duty time is really helpful emotionally. Here are somethings that helped me: Thinking about a cycle when I don't conceive, I think of it as an opportunity for me to learn more about my cycle and for MH and I to learn more about ourselves. When I had my CP, I poured myself into TTC as though that would make me feel better about my loss, and I didn't give myself proper time to grieve--for my MMC, I've been trying to recognize these feelings of grief coupled with pressure, and come to terms that nothing will replace those losses--every day, every cycle, is a new cycle, a new chance.
@keikilove Ugh I'm so sorry that March is hitting you so hard. I've not been back to the 9/18 BMB since I left except when I newbie tagged me to be like "due date twins!" and I just.... was pretty numb luckily at that moment to not be affected. I have hope, though, that I'll have a successful run at this some day and help to figure out a way to make sure that doesn't happen to others? ANYWAY, back to you: my logical brain fights with my emotional games and the what-if's too--I hate that I know something is more possible than my emotional brain is letting me think. Thanks for your words about my bill fiasco yesterday. I'm gonna make sure I call them before the due date so it doesn't go to collections bc that would just be so bad. That really sucks that they did that!
@kerco925 Throwing myself into healthy living is a thing that is making me feel better, too, and I'm so proud of you for doing something for yrself on that milestone day. You have a good friend in your ear. Out of curiosity, when's yr bday? I know there's a few of us in March--I'm the 26th! I really love birthdays as days when we are allowed to unabashedly celebrate ourselves, so even though another year comes w/ complex emotions for all of us at TTCAL, I still hope you use your day when it comes to celebrate how awesome you are.
@wanderlost Thanks so much for your bill advice! I do have insurance through the ACA though--I'm a grad student and MH is self-employed and neither of us get health insurance through what we do right now. I feeeel like my insurance should have covered more than they did. Or maybe we're just DEFINITELY reaching that deductible this year, wow. I also feel like I'm having trouble understanding parts of the bill (maybe bc it's difficult for me to spend time with), so--when I'm ready-- perhaps calling and asking about some of the things you've mentioned would at least give me piece of mind the bill is RIGHT, and I can go from there.
Alright yall, March is IN LIKE A LION, OUT LIKE A LAMB. We've had a lot of lion on this thread, but I am here to declare that we are almost at LAMB stage. 1-2 more days of lion? I hope? Then peace, love, harmony, flowers, and if not--lamb chops it is.
@kagesstarshroom those bills hit like a ton of bricks. I’m so sorry you are dealing with all that right now. Lots of hugs.
@wanderlost all the love and light your way today. For me, my d&c’s were the easy part. Lots of
hugs and I’m sure everything will go smoothly ❤️.
@keikilove so many hugs for you. I’m so sorry you are having a hard time right now.
@_khaleesi Hio Ed was our breaking point. Dh couldn’t perform enough and the stress was too much. I agree with looking into SMEP. EOD/just trying our best has helped us relax and make it a little more fun. The best thing I’ve learned to do is just take a cycle after a loss to breathe and try to regroup. Sending lots of hugs your way too.
@_khaleesi I agree with everyone else when they say that taking the pressure off really helps with my DH. We've had times when the pressure was too much for him. I am also going to try the SMEP method and have been reading up on it. Also good luck with telling your boss, seems like he's an understanding person.
@keikilove I just want to give you a hug. Those dates are so hard to deal with. The due date for my first loss is next week and I'm trying not to think about but I'm pretty sure I'll be a mess. But the idea to treat yourself like @kerco925 suggested seems like a good idea to me, I'll try it too. Sending you love and hugs.
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
ETA: I also need a rhogam shot whenever this all happens, which is compounding the circus surrounding all of this.
@keikilove I’m sorry you’re having to deal with due dates. I am dreading when that will happen for me. Hitting the announcement date stage was hard enough. I know the actual due date will be very difficult. Hugs❤️
TTC#1 - March 2013
BFP 8/9/13 - EDD 4/14/14 - DS born 4/23/14
TTC#2 November 2015
Dx: Secondary IF June 2016
Medicated IUI cycle#1- Clomid+IUI -1/15/17 -BFN
Break Mid 2017 - Resumed TTC December 2018
"She believed she could so she did..."
Medicated IUI cycle#2- Femara 5mg+IUI 12/22/18 - BFP 1/4/19 - MMC 2/1/19
Saline Sono 3/15/19 - All Clear!
Medicated IUI cycle#3- Femara 7.5mg+IUI 3/28/19-BFN
Medicated IUI cycle#4- Femara 5mg+Gonal F 50iu+IUI 4/27/19- BFP 5/11/19 - MMC 6/12/19 - D&C 6/14/19-
Incomplete M/C Repeat D&C - 7/3/19 -Testing concluded baby was genetically normal
Dx: Unexplained RPL July 2019 - Tested + as carrier for Usher Syndrome & Familial Mediterranean Fever
Saline Sono 8/7/19 - Mostly Clear! All systems go for IVF#1
But will need a repeat Saline Sono between ER and FET
IVF #1 - Antagonist Protocol - 8/17/19
ER#1 8/27/19 - 12R, 6F, 4 biopsied+frozen! (3d5blasts + 1d6blast)- 2 PGS normal embabies!
Saline Sono 9/13/19 - All Clear! Onto FET Prep#1
FET#1 - 4AA -10/4/19 - BFP 10/14/19 - EDD - 6/21/20 -Beta#1-10dp5dt- 379 Beta#2-12dp5dt- 1007 Beta#3-14dp5dt- 2844
DD born 6/15/20