PGAL check in 10/22

ladystout08

It's been a while since we've done one of these. 

ladystout08

I had a horrifying dream last night which leads to this post. I dreamed that I went in for a regular check up and was talking to my OB about my BH contractions. I mentioned they went on for like two hours the other day so she did a cervical check and I was already 3 cm dilated and she put me on bed rest. Then the baby stopped moving/wasn't active. Then I woke up. 

Aside from that shit show, I'm mostly doing ok. I get a little freaked out when she's calm/quiet/not moving but for the most part I've relaxed. I was hoping PGAL brain would go away being this far along but I guess not. 

tosh24

Thank you for starting this!

Must have been a night for loss dreams. I had one where I was having irregular contractions and then started lightly bleeding and called my doctor and the hospital but no one would call me back. Then I woke up. My stomach was in my throat. 

I've been doing a lot better lately on the anxiety front, especially when I'm feeling lots of movement. I had an insanely busy weekend of running around and went hours without remembering feeling baby move which had me panicking on multiple occasions. Luckily, when I stopped and sat down for a bit I got my kick counts in. But they were still weaker than they had been the previous few days. Maybe baby wiggled into a new position? Kicks were pretty strong (and painful) again this morning. I'm also having period-like cramping again on and off which sets my anxiety off.

ETA: @Ladystout08 I was hoping the same but I don't think my anxiety will decrease until baby is here, safe and healthy. I'm really hoping my PGAL anxiety doesn't then morph into PPA or over-the-top anxiety about SIDS, etc. I've already talked to my doula about this and she gave me the contact for a mom and baby wellness program that sends a nurse to do home checks once a week, which I think will be good for me in case I start to spiral.

ladystout08

@tosh24 I had the same fears! We did a pumpkin patch yesterday so we walked for like 4 hours and it wasn't until I sat in the truck I was like "wait, when did she move last?" *cue panic* 

I had PPA with DS so I'm sort of expecting it this time around. Luckily, I know what to expect and how to try and mitigate some of it. It's great you're being proactive and have a plan in place! 

not_another_knottie

I haven’t had any loss dreams recently. Most of mine were in the first trimester. I also start to panick when I don’t remember if I’ve felt the baby for a while. I work on my feet so I usually go all day without feeling her move. I tell myself it’s bc she knows I hate working. lol usually if it’s been a while I’ll eat something sweet or drink some coffee. That was my fffc that I’m pretty much addicted to her kicks and I’ll do what I have to, to get her to move. Hoping this also doesn’t turn into PPA but I’m not to sure now. I’ve also had BH and my brain immediately tells me it’s preterm labor and I freak out. Lots of talking myself off the edge. I hope things get better for us. Xoxo

wkuandrea

@ladystout08 and @tosh24 I'm having a different, weird time with anxiety -- this is the "most pregnant" I've ever been, so I'm never sure of anything anymore, and it makes it feel like it could be taken away at any moment. I've only had a few times when I really feel the reality that I will probably get to take this baby home. I'm also having a lot of anxiety I've been avoiding about breastfeeding and about general complications that I could have -- blood pressure, too much bleeding, being afraid the Drs won't treat me bc they're busy with baby, etc. I finally set up something with a therapist in a few weeks, but I have a lot of issues around body/sexual stuff and am having a really hard time separating that mentally and emotionally for breastfeeding (logically, I know better, but anxiety doesn't follow logic). I really want to be able to, for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which I want to be able to "fight my demons" and win... but I can't even think or talk about it without getting really panicked. Of course, like most of us, with all of my anxiety I don't talk about it to anyone and keep it cool, calm and collected -- having people worry me about it won't help. UGH. 

ladystout08

@wkuandrea I had a friend who had a history with sexual assault that led to some issues with her BFing. She spent years with a therapist and ended up FF with her first and then was able to work through and BF her next 3 kids. I have anxiety from how terrible breastfeeding with DS was that I'm like 98% sure I'm just going to FF. Anxiety blows and you have to do what is best for you and your babe. 

wkuandrea

thanks @ladystout08 -- of course with FF, I worry about the guilt of not BF, people asking me why I'm not BF, people guilting me about it and me feeling like I owe them an explanation... which of course I don't. Therapy has really helped over the years with overcoming lots of other obstacles from abuse, so I'm still hopeful that I can make it over this one, too!

ladystout08

I totally get it @wkuandrea that's the only reason I haven't 100% decided to FF, guilt. Mom guilt blows man. 

tosh24

@wkuandrea Glad you have a therapy appointment to look forward to. I've also never hesitated to see one and have set up many appointments for myself over the years and am always glad I did. I think it already shows how awesome of a mom you'll be that you want to do something like BF your baby even though it's not the easiest thing for you. I hope that if it's something you really want to do, therapy helps you get to a place where attempting BFing is possible. But please don't be too hard on yourself if it's too much to handle mentally once baby is here. It is completely fine to FF, your baby will be happy and healthy with formula, and you'll still get to have that bonding time snuggling while feeding. And most importantly, you'll be comfortable and less anxious. Not that it is anyone's business, but maybe it will help you feel more relaxed about any anticipated judgement if you come up with a couple different one liners in case Nosy Nelly has the balls to comment on your FFing? That way you can be prepared and not caught off guard if someone says something. I find doing a bit of "pre-planning" really helps me in situations where I don't want to share personal details.

kianarain

@wkuandrea I had a conversation yesterday with SO about how little care mamas get after birth. Of course I want them to focus on baby, but I've heard some really underwhelming things about the amount of medical attention that we get. Maybe selfish but hello, I just squeezed out a child - send halp. Also, therapy kudos; it's not easy, but it's worth it!

I've also been mostly fine, but had a total breakdown last Wednesday that felt like it came out of nowhere. I've been having some (what I thought were) unrelated issues about body image/identity, and was trying to work through those in therapy. And it came back around to the miscarriage in April & how I started off this pregnancy a little heavier than I wanted because I was still 'bouncing back', then was a couch potato for first tri because I was terrified of doing anything strenuous. So I opened up that can of worms and explained to her in detail what happened and just started feeling so sad, but also guilty. Like how can I still be mourning when, as I was crying in my therapist's office, I have a healthy baby girl kicking around and growing inside me? 

For the most part I can talk about my loss without getting emotional, and I can't even explain how excited I am and I really do think I'm going to bring LG home. But even in all the happiness, I need to accept that no one will replace my angel baby and it's ok to feel sad about that too sometimes. It was just a really rough day last week. 

wkuandrea

@tosh24 that is great advice about coming up with responses! I'm afraid that I'll just get triggered, start crying and just overshare Having pre-planned responses would definitely help. Pressure/guilt from my mom and sister are what I'm most worried about, of course... which sucks, but they don't understand or sympathize fully. Honestly, I'll probably just lie and say I can't make breastmilk, seems like the easiest excuse / most likely excuse for people to accept. 

dragonette505

hey all! sorry ive been silent.... super busy at work, still feeling awful and having issues posting here. I'll write a whole post and then it disappears and I don't have the strength to re write...giving it a go today!

ladystout08 I had a similar dream... I think i have been really triggered by pregnancy loss awareness month and especially on the wave of light day.... first week of oct I had a nightmare that the baby stopped moving and when we went to check on her they told me she was dead. I woke in a panic and couldn't get her to move (shaking my tummy as I sometimes do) I went and got some juice and 5-10 mins later she was all over the place. But it is so awful to go through that. I'm not sure if PGAL brain goes fully away.... sending hugs to you

tosh24 omg...you too!?? I wonder if its the same thing...there is just a lot out there in October about loss awareness, and it was really tweaking my ptsd. ugh.... these are horrible dreams

ms_stevens87  funny what we do to make them kick! I feel like the longer we get in the pregnancy the stakes just get higher and higher. I had 4 losses all before 11 weeks and those were awful, but if something happened now i would need to be locked up somewhere.

wkuandrea man... this 3rd tri is a beast all its own... I also am terrified my BP will just go nuts (nobody ever knows why anyone gets preeclampsia). I'm starting to get anxious when they bring out the cuff! So great you will be talking to your therapist!

kianarain  I think its not talked about enough that current pregnancies don't wipe out past losses. SO glad you brought that up, because i think some loss moms feel guilty about being sad sometimes when pregnancy is supposed to be such a happy time. Its complicated because, of course we ARE happy too. PS... I was about 20 lbs overweight going into my embryo transfer.... also my body continues to feel so weird to me... sometimes i look in the mirror and think: WHO DAT! lol 

kianarain

@dragonette505 lmao at WHO DAT because that actually sums up the majority of my interactions with myself lately. I saw my ankles swell to the point where I looked down and couldn't believe they belonged to me

dragonette505

kianarain said:

@dragonette505 lmao at WHO DAT because that actually sums up the majority of my interactions with myself lately. I saw my ankles swell to the point where I looked down and couldn't believe they belonged to me

I have to heft myself out of bed or off the couch.... like how? 

kianarain

@dragonette505 *cue me attempting to get into the bathtub without sloshing water onto the floor* Also, those shower bars aren't just for older people lolol I'll take all the help I can get

ladystout08

kianarain said:

@dragonette505 *cue me attempting to get into the bathtub without sloshing water onto the floor* Also, those shower bars aren't just for older people lolol I'll take all the help I can get

We have a deep, chaise lounge style couch and DH laughs at me every time I have to roll/heave myself out of it. I'm like a turtle on my back. 

kianarain

@ladystout08 yessss all the rolling/heaving. And lots of grunting all the while.

dragonette505

ladystout08  kianarain       Yaaas! I was thinking this morning this is how its going to feel to be old!!! Ugh! I keep trying to find more graceful ways to get up from getting down. lol

ladystout08

@dragonette505 @kianarain I've basically given up and spend most of my life at home either in the wingback chairs in front of the fire place or in my bed. lol

dragonette505

that sounds lovely.... but you still have to get up to pee! lol

ladystout08

Oh, seriously. So. much. peeing. 

ladystout08

Also, remembering more of my dream as the day goes on, lol. My OB agreed to induce me since I was already 3 cm dilated but when they got me the schedule they had me down for Feb 5th and I'm like "That's AFTER my due date, what's the point?" So now I'm wondering if she'll come on that day.

galactickates

I'm glad i'm not the only one who tries  to wake up their LO. I definitely freak if it's been too long without feeling movement.  

not_another_knottie

ladystout08 said:

Oh, seriously. So. much. peeing. 

+1 to peeing all the time. I thought at some point in pregnancy we were supposed to get a small break in having to go pee every 5 mins? lol 

not_another_knottie

kianarain said:

@ladystout08 yessss all the rolling/heaving. And lots of grunting all the while.

Same! I didn’t know I would have such a hard time getting up from sitting. And trying to tie my shoes? Haha yeahhhh right. 

ladystout08

I don't tie my shoes normally but even zipping my boots is barely happening at this point.

kianarain

@ms_stevens87 @ladystout08 just bought a new pair of slip on boots & Vans. Setting myself up for success lol

ladystout08

@kianarain what boots did you get? I'm struggling with my Uggs lately. 

not_another_knottie

@kianarain usually my converse I can get in and out of while leaving them tied. 

@ladystout08 I wore riding boots the other day and the zipper almost got left open. 

Totally random but does anybody else feel like their bumps disappear? Like some days I feel large and in charge and some I feel like I just look like I let myself go. This only happens when I am in clothes. Naked I always feel pregnant. 

ladystout08

I wear my converse untied anyway, well skate laced so I never mess with tying them. 

Yes, I do feel like mine disappears. I feel less pregnant today than I did yesterday lol. 

kianarain

@ladystout08 I went with one of the taller pairs of Uggs. Less bending required to grip & tug lol (well that sounds dirty lmao) 

@ms_stevens87 yessss converse too but mine were already a little snug and now they’re getting way too tight time to size up 

and yes to belly shrinking/growing! Sometimes I’m like DAMN I’m pregnant and other days I feel like eh....still riding the fat or pregnant? line 

ladystout08

Aww dang. I have a problem with taller Uggs because I have huge calves. I worry too because they're not great for traction. 

dragonette505

galactickates said:

I'm glad i'm not the only one who tries  to wake up their LO. I definitely freak if it's been too long without feeling movement.  

absolutely!! I wake her little behind whenever i feel like it! I mean, shes about to keep me awake forever and a day, so i don't feel so bad. If I'm nervous and haven't felt her (or haven't focused on her) i shake shake shake my tummy and wake her up.

not_another_knottie

@kianarain I hope our feet go back to normal once the littles are here. I’ve been dreading my feet getting bigger. I have no desire to have to size up. 

kianarain

@ms_stevens87 I have heard bad things about that my friend had to buy all new shoes because her feet grew so much & never went back to pre-baby size. Hoping that's an anomaly!

not_another_knottie

kianarain said:

@ms_stevens87 I have heard bad things about that my friend had to buy all new shoes because her feet grew so much & never went back to pre-baby size. Hoping that's an anomaly!

Oh no!!!!!  I hope that’s not the case. any STMs can weigh in on this?
@ladystout08

CoastieGirl79

First, PGAL: sometimes I feel guilty for not being more upset about our loss. I think it's because we got pregnant the month following the loss, and the viable pregnancy overshadowed everything else. When I was at my MFM appointment two weeks ago, the nurse confirmed "third pregnancy, second expected birth, correct?" I thought about the miscarriage the rest of the day. I try really hard to compartmentalize my life. I thank being in the military for that life skill. 

Feet: my feet got wider during pregnancy. They didn't grow in length. I was also pregnant with DS in the summer, which made the swelling ten times worse. My feet have always been on the wide side, but pregnancy did widen them some more. For the most part, my feet returned to normal size. Now, my thighs are a different story.....  

baileym9126

Sorry to everyone who’s still having anxiety and loss dreams, I’m right there with you!

@dragonette505 @galactickates I wake baby up all the time, too. DH keeps telling me to leave her alone, but sometimes I just need to feel her move to calm myself down!

dragonette505

baileym9126       I think its probably fine to wake them... they supposedly get so much sleep!

baileym9126

@dragonette505 I think so, too! I always just tell DH that for the amount of times she wakes me, makes me uncomfortable, etc., that I’m allowed to bug her once and awhile.