My Crazy Family... a thread to vent

kosmo86

Vent time... 
Tell us what family member is currently driving you crazy. MIL, Mom, FIL, Sister?! Tell us what they did!

Let us all commiserate on having to deal with crazy family and know you not alone!

kangstadt

She's not really crazy (well, in this instance at least...), but my sister is stressing me out lately.  I watch my 1yo nephew two days a week, and now that I'm expecting, a part of me wants to tell her I can't watch him after I have the baby since I'll then have a 5yo son, my 1yo nephew, and a newborn to juggle.  She is still expecting me to continue babysitting after I'm back from maternity leave.

I'm really her only babysitter, due to the prices of sitters in our area, and she has worked her work schedule out so that she works evenings every day except the two days I have him.  So she has made concessions, but I'm stressing because she isn't trying to look for a backup.  When my kid is sick, she ends up calling off work rather than having me watch him (and I know I shouldn't, but it makes me feel guilty).  Our parents are older and can't handle a young kiddo, and we don't have any other family in the area (plus she hates her in-laws).

Sigh.  Not sure what advice I'm looking for, but I feel so guilty and selfish even thinking about asking not to be his sitter anymore, but I'm really not sure I can handle three.  I just have a horrible sense of family responsibility, and I know that I would never be able to afford an hourly sitter either, so I sympathize.  What would you ladies do?

kaleesi93

Gosh that's a hard place to be in @kangstadt, my sympathies.. 
Could you maybe try to do a trial period for just a few days or a week just to see what it would be like with 3? You probably feel you'd rather not, but if you tried for a few days it might help the guilt because you really did your best and you just couldn't swing it.. it's just a thought, I really am sorry you're dealing with this, feeling guilty is just the worst. 

bankssl1

My MIL... With DS she had a Grandma Shower if that tells you anything..

This go around I feel like she couldn't be bothered. We posted our announcement on social media on Sunday and I tagged her in it because she is notorious for stealing my pictures and posting them as her own. She didn't comment, like, share, literally nothing.. She did however take my picture and post it to her Instagram as her own. I know this is super petty and I shouldn't care, but she just pisses me off. Now I'm going out of my way to not share anything else with her about this baby just to see if she will take the initiative to ask.

mrstmoose

@kangstadt I totally get the family guilt, I have that frequently. BUT, you have to do what's best for your little family and if watching three kids isn't something you can do, you have to do what's in the best interest of your own children.

blueberrymomma

@bankssl1 your mil takes the cake with that grandma shower. Although I’m pretty sure mine would have done that if she knew it was a thing lol. She bought our crib(super grateful) and at the same time bought herself a crib that cost over twice as much as ours. She literally lives around the corner and and I don’t think either of my kids have slept overnight in that crib 

lyse01

@bankssl1 @blueberrymomma it’s not the first time I’ve heard of a Grandma shower. My bestie is in grad school in Boston, her DH is stationed in California, and her ILs live in CT. MIL was talking about throwing a shower for MIL’s friends in CT “because you don’t really have any friends here” and “they want to help set up a nursery at my house for when you visit”! Because BFF is totally going to be going to CT, not CA, when she’s not in school 🙄

Her MIL also thought BFF should use retired FIL as a nanny instead of hiring one. I mean, it would save money and all but really? Figuring out nursing (or hell, pumping) with your FIL wandering through the house is not a comfortable situation.

mermaidca

H's family lives on the other side of the country (for which I am thankful).  I send them pictures and videos and updates as much as possible so they're still involved.  I sent pics of crafts DDs did at dayhome (Canadian Thanksgiving is this Monday hooray!) of turkeys and lists of stuff they are thankful for.  Super cute.  MIL writes back "Oh I wish I had those and could put them on my fridge..."  Always passive aggressive.  I send them artwork every now and then.  I'm not sending you a one of a kind, gift they gave me.  I sent you pics.  Print them out for your fridge.

lin0442

Grumble... *TW- loss mentioned* DH told my FIL last night that we’re expecting and he just kind of chuckled and said ‘Well, better luck this time.’ I don’t think he meant to sound so insensitive, but it really hurt, especially since I’m nearing the point in the pregnancy when I had my first loss so I’m all nerves. I think it was more of an awkward reaction, but if I could have kicked him over Skype... Just say ‘congratulations’ jfc.

blueberrymomma

My middle name is after my grandma so we decided to keep that tradition when DD was born. Luckily for me my mom and mil have the same first name Debra/Deborah. So I made her middle name Debra in honor of BOTH grandmas but chose the shorter spelling because a) I like it and her first and last name are already long enough. Well MIL still likes to tell people, 5 years later, that DD is name after her OTHER grandma and not her. It really offends me because we tell DD that she is named after both. MIL and FIL have already made comments that if this baby is a girl I should name her Deborah. 

mermaidca

@lin0442 so sorry to hear that!  I'm sure he didn't mean to be so insensitive but that doesn't take the sting away.

MRDCle

Holy shit @lin0442 that is a crap thing to say.  

ashtuesday

@lin0442 I would have LOST it. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that reaction!

kosmo86

My MIL leaves kind of of Hippy lifestyles, she used to live here (FL) half the year and half in Colorado but she hasn't been back in a year. 

When we had DD 2 years ago she was pretty much in denial. She refuses to be called any type of grandma name and must be referred to as her first name. She makes no effort to get to know DD (no facetime or calls) and when she calls DH she only asks him about his stuff and then asks about us in the end. She told DH she hates how disconnected her kids are from her but obviously his life revolves around HIS family (and not her) and since she doesn't want anything to do with us he really doesn't go out of his way for her. 

Obviously its nice bc she stays out of our life, but its pretty Shitty to think about how DD might feel once she realizes she has a grandparent who can care less about her. 

kaleesi93

@blueberrymomma omg what a shit thing to say!! How absolutely petty people can be is beyond me. Ugh. 

kangstadt

Thanks @kaleesi93 and @mrstmoose.  I may ask her to let me do a trial basis after maternity leave.  My husband agrees with us needing to do what's right for our family, but I feel so guilty telling her to go figure it out on her own (even though I would if my primary babysitter decided to have a baby or just that they couldn't watch my kid anymore).

Bringmemylongswordho

My stepdad told my stepsister not too get a Dungeons and Dragons onesie for me for Christmas because "it's an evil gateway game and Satan has too much control over our lives"

thatbaintforbetty

kosmo86 said:

Obviously its nice bc she stays out of our life, but its pretty Shitty to think about how DD might feel once she realizes she has a grandparent who can care less about her. 

This is my MIL to a tee. Except she just fawns all over one grandkids and pretty much ignores the other 5. And she lives something like 20 min away. She actually was all pissed off when she called DH to invite him (and only him) to a movie last weekend and he told her he couldn’t go cause we were going out of town. She seriously made it seem like she wanted us to cancel our plans so he could to go the movies with her and his sister. Which he saw them both 2 weeks before. 

wildcosmiclove

My MIL called dh crying on Sunday because she hadn't seen our kiddo since Thursday...ya know, three whole days ago. 🙄  She was the last person we told about the pregnancy because she's so damn ridiculous.

kosmo86

@thatbaintforbetty - MIL has also invited all her children (not their spouses) places. I told DH that is a no go. we are a package deal!

thatbaintforbetty

@kosmo86 My DH doesn’t drive so he usually doesn’t go anywhere without me that isn’t longboard distance. After the way that my MIL treated us last year I have no desire to ever see her again. He wavers between “she’s my mother and I should have contact with her” and “she doesn’t even care about me/us/anything other then herself and I’m done with her.” She picks him up in our neighborhood so that we keep her from knowing exactly where we live if she wants to hang out with him. I refuse to see her, I have no intention of telling her about the baby(though I’m sure she’ll hear through the family gossip tree). We had cut off contact with her but she showed up at DHs work and wouldn’t leave him alone so he gave her his phone number so she’s go away. She offers to pay for him to go to the movies so he goes, he’s said he’s waiting for her to start asking for favors/money/a place to stay like she always does. 

kaleesi93

I feel like you can't just exclude your married children's spouses like that... excluding cringeworthy highschool boy/girlfriends from social events maybe.. but husbands and wives... uh. 

thatbaintforbetty

@kaleesi93 I absolutely agree. It’s completely ridiculous. DH and I both think his mom is like that because of the lack of successful/meaningful relationships in her own life. Like she doesn’t understand a stable, loving, long lasting relationship and Is waiting for ours to fail. None of her daughters have had any either. DH was raised mostly by his dad/grandparents though(cause she doesn’t really like him) and therefore is different. 

kaleesi93

@thatbaintforbetty that makes a lot of sense, but still so frustrating to have to deal with   
"She's my mother" guilt though, omg. A birth certificate isn't a bill of sale! 

kangstadt

"A birth certificate isn't a bill of sale." <-- this.  I feel like more people need to hear this.

DH's dad is much better now that he and DH's mom got divorced, but growing up my DH was more of a father figure for his younger brother than their dad was.  And I know a lot of foster/adoptive families that are way better parents than the "bio-dads," or "bio-moms."

kaitykins

Sometimes I think I must be the crazy in my family. 🙃

thatbaintforbetty

@kbirchtree The fact that I am a Democrat, a feminist, give two shits about the planet, believe in global warming, and am bisexual make me the crazy and black sheep of my family. 

And I'm 200% okay with it. 

elmich3

I wrote about this situation in another thread but it keeps coming up in my life and I need to VENT. 

My DS turns one in a month. I was raised with no birthday parties, just a fun dinner/cake/games with my mom, dad and sister. DH always had big birthday parties given by mother in law but we both want to do the "just our family" birthday party for our kids. It's more intimate and I loved it. I never lived in a world where we saw extended family on birthdays. My grandma would call and send me a card. We have small families and dont see his side much.

My MIL has been nagging me about throwing DS a big party for months and I said we are just doing something the three of us. She wont accept that, saying most parents are "excited about their kids birthdays". Uhhh, we are. She wont let it go even though we made it clear this us what we want! 

She brought it up yet again yesterday and I just repeated that we are just celebrating the three of us with a little cake for him. I said that if she wanted to stop by to say happy birthday or give him his present shes more than welcome. And she said, "Okay, we will all just come for cake and ice cream if that's all you can do."   When did I say that?!?  Ugh!! I'm not doing a party for everyone, just us! 

My parents are so great with it and are respectful. They are just going to swing by and say happy birthday and give him a present. How hard is that? My MIL insists that she HAS to be around for cake. 

I know people say, just let her if that means something to her, but I'm a pushover anyways and it's that she doesn't respect me. I need to her to know it's not about her and we cant push our wishes aside whenever she wants us too. She has made this a HUGE deal and my husband and I just dont stress this much about stuff. Shes the only one making this stressful!

If you read all that, thanks. I really needed to write out my feelings lol 

lyse01

@elmich3 I sometimes think that my MIL won’t take my word for it that it’s a decision we’ve made together unless DH tells her. I sometimes think that I’ve pushed for something and DH doesn’t care enough about it to push back but secretly agrees with his mom. I sometimes tell her things that I prefer about child raising (that I’ve never had a reason to discuss with DH) and she asks DH about it later. All this to say, I think your DH needs to be the one to convince her that you want to keep it intimate, since it’s the change from his normal. 

That or you guys go on a trip over over his birthday so she can’t make a party where there isn’t one.

elmich3

Thank you @lyse01! That was helpful. I'm always frustrated that she only brings these things up when DH isnt around. It makes me feel set up to be the bad guy. I talked to him and he said hes more than happy to talk to his mom about it on our next visit. Hopefully it will sink in better! And the trip thing is a tempting idea! Lol

blueberrymomma

@elmich3 I agree with @lyse01 with having DH talk to your MIL. I have to do that all the time with mine. Just prepare DH for his mom to guilt trip him. My MIL is queen of playing victim when confronted about stuff with raising our kids, or she plays stupid like she had “no idea”. After over 5 years and 2 kiddos DH has realized his moms manipualtion and stands up to her more.

kaleesi93

@elmich3 the people telling you to let her do whatever she wants because it means a lot to her? They're missing the point and principle. Bottom line is even if you have the strangest ideas for your children, they are yours and you have every right, she has no ground to stand on.
My future MIL decided what my birthdays should be as soon as she met me. It took multiple firm and borderline angry conversations/several years to make her realize I don't give two hoots what she thinks I should have, be, eat, etc. Its MY  birthday and I will do whatever I want with who I want, where I want. 

Regardless of what your Mil is excited about. If you say no. Then that's the end of things and don't ever feel guilty. She had her children and got to do what she wanted, its your turn now! 

lyse01

@elmich3 glad your DH is on board with explaining! Also, I’m totally serious about trips. I enjoy being able to take my birthday and DO something (overseas, if my bank account allows) so I have an excuse to not reply to meaningless birthday wishes on Facebook. I’d totally get out of town for DD’s birthday for the same reason.

elmich3

@kaleesi93 Yes isnt that crazy?? Most people have actually said to suck it up and I'm like are you crazy? Lol I dont want a life run by my MIL. Having a son, I always take notes on what NOT to do to future DIL lol. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this even though I'm sorry you've had trouble with it too!

kaleesi93

@elmich3 that is crazy and also awful!! You shouldn't suck anything up unless you want to! Your son's birthdays are special and you should never be made to feel bad for choosing to celebrate a certain way! 
And lol %100 with you on taking notes for how NOT to be a total douche MIL

kylierose84

I am the middle child, have an older and younger sister. My fiance and I have been ttc for a while because he is a little older and I have endometriosis, and were both ready to have kids. When we finally told my sisters that we were expecting (at 10 weeks), they told my parents they were upset because we didn't tell them sooner and they felt excluded. My sisters aren't super friendly, especially my older sister, so we are not close. Anyway, I then tried to include them more, texting them updates, etc, and then my Mom told me to not talk about it with them for a while because my older sister is having a hard time adjusting to the fact she won't be having the first grandchild. I haven't heard anything from my older sister, who didn't act excited when we told her anyway. She has always been selfish and unfriendly, but I'm honestly more upset at my Mom for first telling me to include her more and then telling me to not talk to her about it because she's upset she's not having the first grandchild. Still makes me mad to think about it.  

kaleesi93

Oh gosh @kylierose84 that's so awful. I have an older brother like that, and we don't even talk anymore, you can't seriously expect age to determine who has children first! This isn't 18th century Europe where older daughters get married/start families in order lol! I'm sorry everyone is being so childish about something so happy and positive for you! 

blueberrymomma

@kylierose84 your sister sounds like my SIL. She was pissed when we announced we were expecting out first because we told everyone at  the same time and she thought we should have told her and BIL privately beforehand. This is because she was TTC and having fertility issues, but we didn’t know that because she never told us!! I’m not a mindreader lol. Anyways I just never talked to her about my pregnancies unless she initiated the conversation. FYI she is a b@*$h who even laughed when my husband told her I was hospitalized with a severe allergic reaction while pregnant with DD and didn’t acknowledge DD existence for her first year of life 

BarefootContessa

Family relationships are really really hard. @kylierose84 I'm really sorry to hear your sister is reacting that way.

My ILs are extremely challenging, and always have been. When I had DS1, I walked in on my MIL trying to plan his baptism with FIL and DH while I was in the other room. I was LIVID. I had to coach DH to say that those were decisions we would make together as parents. Anytime DS would get hurt or cry for "Mama" in MIL's presence she would physically put herself in front of me to pick him up/comfort him first. It's been a long road but she's gotten better. With DD she is constantly telling her what girls can/cannot do. I have to bite my tongue, but you better believe when we get home I have a conversation (as best as I can make appropriate for a 3 year old) that she can do whatever she wants BECAUSE SHE IS A HUMAN.

Then there was the whole mess last year when I was pregnant with my third baby. I've mentioned it before but BIL and SIL announced they were expecting the same time as us and she jumped up and down and cried, and her response to DH was "This is the last one, right?" because she thinks no one should have more than two children. TW****When BIL and SIL lost their baby she was devastated and offered to drive out of state to be with them. When we lost our son she told us "We were tough enough to handle it." I delivered my son one week before Christmas, and on Christmas day she gave my daughter a "I'm a big sister!" book. When DD opened it and MIL saw my look of horror, she shrugged her shoulders and said "well, I'd already bought it!"

So.. yeah. I'm protecting myself this time. They know about this pregnancy and baby and I don't discuss anything about it with them.

thatbaintforbetty

@BarefootContessa Holy shit! Your MIL is super duper awful. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with that. That’s just just straight up beyond cruel. 

ashtuesday

@BarefootContessa GIRL NO.  You had mentioned the way she treated you and your SIL differently following your losses, but I don't think you've mentioned the book before.  Holy crap.  I feel like I would have gone up to her and immediately vomited directly on her in that moment.  I am so sorry you had to deal with that.