Introducing myself, 2yrs ttc #1 (male factor surprise) DH angry

abbd88

Hi Everyone, (I apologize in advance and hope not to trigger anyone)

I'm Angie,

Me and DH have been working at ttc#1 for a couple of years now. The entire time we thought I was unable to conceive due to PCOS. After several rounds of clomid, metformin, etc. with my OBGYN, we decided to take it to the R.E. well of course she took the time out to run tests on me too before requesting sperm analysis. It turns out that he had low count and low mobility so we'd need IVF. Well now I'm dealing with the aftermath of finding out. I'm having so many mixed feelings and despite my anger I really just want to know how to be there for him without making it about me. Has anyone dealt with DH finding out he has male factor infertility, after putting it on you the whole time? I went through therapy, antidepressants, and lost friends and loved ones over infertility related depression. He even insisted that nothing was wrong with him the whole time. Now I know I have to get over my anger and resentment to be there for him. Any clue on what I can do? I have a feeling it will be a long while before he is even ready to do IVF.

I guess the moral of this story is don't let things go too far without getting DH tested. He didn't go when I suggested it but he went when I told him the doctor ordered it.

Thanks

babyhopeful442

@abbd88 I think the thing that is different about men is that they usually have this ego about their sperm and anything in that general area. I understand your frustration over the delay in his treatment all this time having all the treatments focused on you because he refused to get tested, but i think deep down, he was afraid of having abnormal numbers. I would be there for him and let him know that you guys are a team and that you love him. The end goal is a baby and that's the entire focus. It seems to be the initial stages of your DH's diagnosis, so i would suggest for him to see a urologist too. I have a friend who's husband also has low count and motility, her DH was put on Clomid and a ton of supplements from CCRM in colorado and now everything is within normal range. There is hope if he can work on him and you work on you. When it is time for IVF, things will be much  better. Don't make it about his count or motility or your PCOS, these are just hurdles to the bigger picture. Always remember its you and your husband against the world, never against each other. In my fertility struggle, the only problem is me. I have diminished ovarian reserve and i so appreciated my husband being super supportive as i already feel defective, so be generous and kind. He will feel it and be more willing for treatments and further testing. Good luck to you!

abbd88

babyhopeful442 Thank you! This was extremely helpful. I wish you the best!

Bababatty

@abbd88 Our primary diagnosis is MFI--we know the reason why and finding out wasn't a complete shock, but it didn't stop DH from feeling a lot of guilt and sadness about it. The key to how we've gotten through it is never blaming each other. From the very beginning, I said, "This is not your fault. I do not blame you; do not blame yourself. This is something we're going to get through together." That was much easier for me say than for me to convince him to feel, but I always repeated it. He definitely felt a little bitter about me having no known issues--I remember the doctor had said something once about how I responded to a treatment or something and DH said, "I get it; you're very fertile." There's nothing you can really do to prevent that except to just reiterate that this isn't about you or him. *TW* Loss *TW* We have since had three CPs with no known reasoning, so now that it looks like there's something wrong on my end, I have a lot of empathy for how DH felt. No matter how many times he tells me not to blame myself, it's very hard. You can certainly empathize since for so long it seemed like a female factor issue. It sounds like YH wasn't very fair to you when you had a PCOS diagnosis, but I encourage you not to turn that back on him. IF is so stressful on its own; you need each other to lean on. That said, as the woman, you still have to do all of the heavy lifting ART-wise, so I do yell at DH when he doesn't take a vitamin, for example. Everyone needs to pull their own weight.

Also ditto what @babyhopeful442 said. We weren't ready to move onto IVF, so we went to a urologist who specializes in infertility and DH took clomid for six months. He actually got his motility and total count into a normal range, which was fantastic. In the end, it didn't help and now we've done two rounds of IVF and four transfers, but I feel strongly that it was worth it if only to know that we'd covered all of our bases. And of course no one could anticipate the CPs. 

suzycupcake

@abbd88 Welcome to the IF board though I'm sorry you're here. It's important to remember that it's not just your problem or your husband's problem. It helps to think of it as a team struggle. Just like you went through a process, he will need to do the same. A lot of people out in society minimize the experience of MFI and think that men don't go through a grieving process like women, but that's so far from the truth. 

Like @Bababatty and @babyhopeful442 mentioned, some sperm issues have causes that can be diagnosed by a Urologist and some can be fixed. Did you guys get 2 SAs? Usually REs want two before they say it's a MFI especially if it has been more than 2 days since his last ejaculation. Even still, IUI still does have a chance to be successful for you guys depending on sperm count, etc. Only your specialist will be able to determine all of that for you, but it couldn't hurt to see a Urologist and get a second opinion maybe from another RE. Not trying to give you false hope (after almost 8 years of IF--would never try to do that), but it's worth looking into it further before deciding to move on to IVF. However, you might just decide to go straight to IVF and that's okay too. I wish you guys nothing but the best. Hugs  

NicWalker10

@abbd88 Welcome!  i'm sorry you are here but this is an unbelievable place for support and guidance.   As women, I think in the TTC journey we are always prepared to have it be "our fault" so it's really a game change when it's MFI.   We did IVF as a result of MFI.  We got married at 35 and started TTC immediately.  We expected because of AMA that it could be difficult  so we were mentally prepared for it to be something that might not come easily. After three months I went for all tests and came back 100% fine, then my husband did the 2 SA and that came back not fine.  To be honest and a bit naïve, I never even considered MFI to be a thing; you just don't often hear about it--but it is SO common.

We got our diagnosis and just moved into action and said ok, what do we do for this and RE what do you recommend.  we didnt have any discussions on how this happened or whose fault it was.  we're a team and i knew it was possible for my teammate to feel responsible for something not so great that happened to us so I just moved forward. I can say I have never looked back and had any resentment towards him for doing IVF or having to wait for our amazing son to come into our lives.  This is a tough journey, you will have highs and lows no matter why you're having trouble conceiving.  you're DH's past handling of the journey was less than stellar, and there could be so many reasons for him acting out and reacting poorly--like other said,  it could be becuase he may have worried that "it was him"...but there's no blame there's no fault because you cant do anything about it--neither of you chose this but it is what's happening.   I will say I felt pretty good when I talked to my RE about what we should do--MFI is more manageable than some female issues you could encounter.  As others have said, there are ways to better sperm quality if that's a path you want to go down.  because of our age we moved to IVF right away because we didn't want to lose time. We had our son after our 2nd try at IVF (even if all is good on the female side, it's still a journey!!)   that was a choice we both made because we both always agreed that having a family was more important to us than anything.   I think your conversation with your hubby should be about your baby goal--not about why or how you're here.  it sucks, but you know that there are ways to move forward and have your family and that in and of itself is a huge upside.   you might have to emotionally pick him up and keep him focused on the end game, and you can do it--you're stronger than you think, you're stronger than you'll ever know --that baby is your finish line and I can promise you that when that baby is here you will never--not even for one moment--sit and stew about what it took to get here.   You will see that baby and think--this is what it's all about.

I wish you all the best!! xxoo     

Tuasdad

Hi @abbd88

I can somewhat understand your situation. Though I can’t say why your husband said or felt like he did, or what will make it better I can try.

I am a male, and for three years my wife & I have TTC. For me personally, I don’t get the ego or machismo deal when it comes to our swimmers. Pun intended.

It is what it is. Doesn’t make you any more or less manly to have microscopic bits of you that do or don’t function. Not like we can bench press more to make them stronger.

I had a vasectomy reversal 3.5 years ago and had been under impression that we had unexplained infertility due to something from my wife’s end, since several analysis on my end checked ok. 

Personally while I had hoped we would conceive, in a way I also sort of hoped we couldn’t so that we would adopt instead. Adoption was my personal first choice and IVF wasn’t something I was open to.

Mind you, this was for years we thought it was something on my wife. We decided to try IUI but switched to a different doctor. That is when another analysis showed antibodies in my sperm. 

On one end we were super relieved, we finally had an answer. I felt very guilty that for the last three years my wife carried the cloud assuming it was something with her stopping us from conceiving.

I felt terrible that unbeknownst to us, it was on me the whole time.

I can’t sympathize with your husband not wanting to get checked or putting the blame on you. I never saw it as an ego thing, just as a necessity to find out what we were working with. 

I definitely think full honesty is required entering something like IVF. I would hope your husband has been honest with you, albeit not the kindest or guilt free words one would hope for. But prior to moving forward I think it would be most helpful to get it out, deal with it and move on without animosity or resentment. Just my thoughts