At 8.5 weeks I saw a beautiful little baby. I remember being worried he wasn’t moving as much as I thought he should, but didn’t think too much of it. I was supposed to go back for my next appointment around 12 weeks but had to reschedule because my grandmother had passed away. I wasn’t technically “showing” but I was in maternity clothes and patients at work were comfortable enough to ask when I was due. At 14 weeks I saw my doctor. He tried the Doppler and there was nothing, I felt a bit panicked, but he assured me it could be okay, maybe my csection scar was too thick. We weren’t at his normal office, so he didn’t have an ultrasound, and offered to see me first thing on Monday or I could go to a radiology office. I couldn’t wait the weekend. I spend hours waiting, the tech kept the screen turned so I could not see and said she was going to get the radiologist, he refused to come and tell me my baby died. I turned the screen to see, I will never forget the look of the flat line that should be my baby’s heartbeat. Because the radiology office took so long, the hospital would not do my d&c until Monday, it was torture walking around with my dead baby inside me. A week before my grandma had passed, I remember feeling really sick and my mom had offered to take me to to hospital but I felt it was silly since I could not pinpoint anything really being wrong, the timing lines up for when Harrison stopped growing and that day.
With my 2nd confirmed loss, I had an ultra at 7 weeks, there was fetal development, but because my uterus tilt, no heartbeat was detected. While it looked pretty hopeless, there was a bit of hope. My doctor said he wanted me to come back in a week, but said with how hard it was for the tech to get any images, we still may not be able to confirm either way for a few weeks still. The next week, the sach had already shrunk and was deteriorating, i tried to wait to naturally miscarry, but could not take it anymore after 2 weeks. My doctor tried to be able to do it, but the ultrasound equipment was unavailable, so I had a doctor with the worse bedside manner, it was awful. With my first d&c, I remember my doctor’s condolences, he hugged dh before my surgery, held my hand as I went to sleep, this doctor didn’t even come and talk to dh when the surgery was over.
A week later, I started severely hemorrhaging, and had to see the doctor who did my surgery, while doing an internal exam, she causally mentions that the pathology looked like a molar pregnancy and said there was an incredibly small chance i needed chemo. She refused to do an ultrasound since she “knows she got everything.” That night, I hemorrhage again, I get to see my doctor the next day, when I mention the molar pregnancy during the exam, he immediately takes action, does an ultrasound, does hloodwork, goes over all my prior ultrasounds, since a fetus and molar pregnancy is so rare. My levels initially looked great, but then a month later, I start to hemorrhage and deliver a massive tumor the size of my fist. My pathology also came back from a third hospital, it looks like not only molar pregnancy, but choriocarcinoma. My levels rise, so I urgently need to see a gynecologic oncologist. A ton of tests for metastatic disease, a 2nd d&c and 7 rounds of chemo later, my HCG is finally undetectable.
I remember being in shock when we found out I was pregnant. I had been so stressed about TTC. My SO had to give me a pep talk and that month I decided to try not to pay attention. I had taken so many pregnancy tests that I almost didn’t believe it when one actually turned positive. I took 5.
I remember being terrified something would happen. For the first three weeks I would check for blood on the toilet paper because I was so scared I would lose my baby. This baby was all of our hopes and dreams come true.
I remember seeing our baby for the first time. My love holding my hand and kissing it as we saw the most beautiful heartbeat. The ultrasound tech said it was strong. I wanted to stare at the screen for hours.
I remember being 9 weeks, 4 days and feeling a cramp. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Adrenaline kicked in and all I could think was to go to the hospital.
I remember laying in the ER waiting for the doctor. She came in and said “I’m so sorry...” I barely heard the rest of what she said. I tried to focus on her face but it’s almost like my vision faded away but at the same time all I could see was her face. I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying and I laid there until the news sunk in and I started crying and couldn’t stop.
I remember being terrified I would lose the baby in public and all my doctor said was “oh you’ll know when it happens”. That’s all she said to me about what to expect.
I remember, 4 days later, the most terrible pain I’ve ever felt. It got to the point where I couldnt breathe, think, or speak. The only thing I could do was rock and moan.
I remember the relief I felt when they gave me drugs at the ER. My second trip in 4 days. I remember the doctor saying “we will send the fetus for testing”.
I remember the doctor giving me a big hug as I held the specimen cup and letting me have time alone until I was ready to hand it back. I’m so glad I got to hold my baby in some way.
My first born, my Avery. Your dad and I love you so much.
(Oof yall this got long. It was so cathartic to write. I'm very grateful to this community for creating a safe place for my grief.)
I've been struggling a lot lately with our loss. We lost Oliver in June 2017 at around 11 weeks. He was conceived after many months of trying and was the result of a very difficult IVF cycle that only yielded one viable embryo.
I think a lot about how different things would be if we hadn't lost him. A supervisor at work was due the same time and went on to have a healthy baby boy. Hearing about this child is so difficult. She told me the other day that he has teeth and it seemed impossible. Surely Ollie would not be old enough to have teeth. Surely I had not been grieving so long.
Oliver is likely to be the only baby I will carry in my womb. I am so grateful for the few short months I had with him, first kept safely in a freezer lovingly cared for by Robin, our embryologist. Then for just a few short weeks he was safe in me.
When I was first grieving my loss, I sobbed to my best friend that I felt like I hadn't just lost a baby, I had lost a future I so desperately wanted. I knew that we could not just try again. We couldn't afford it neither financially nor physically and we definitely could not afford the emotional toll. So when we lost Ollie I knew that it was the end of a dream. The end of maternity clothes and bump pics and baby kicks. I grieved hard for the future that i had just robbed of.
Hope is slowly starting to creep back as we move along the adoption process. More than hope, excitement about the future has returned. We talk openly about our future kids. There is more uncertainty that has a real edge of excitement to it. Our baby could look like anyone and come from anywhere. I also have started to find real true joy for others as they celebrate pregnancy and welcome new babies. The sadness is still there of course, but its riding shotgun instead of in the drivers seat.
Me: 31 Husby: 36 Married May 2014 TTC # 2 Since December 2021 Baby girl W born 2/2021 Our journey so far... (tw loss & infertility)
Diagnosis: Poor Egg Quality Working with an RE since March 2016 2 failed TI cycles 3 failed IUI cycles
IVF Feb - April 2017 23 eggs collected, 20 mature, 14 fertilized with ICSI, 4 day 3 blasts, 3 day 5 blasts, 1 PGS normal Transferred 1 PGS normal embryo 4.12.17 BFP 4.21.17 MMC due to small gestational sac 6.8.17
Our adoption journey: 12.25.18 Agency picked and apps submitted! 5.1.19 Adoption on hold so we can buy a house! 1.1.20 Homestudy process started 3.14.20 First social worker visit 5.25.20 Homestudy Approved & Submitted to Agency
6.1.20 Surprise! Positive pregnancy test! Healthy baby girl born 2/10/2021
@tamalahoops I love that you're moving forward with adoption. Adoption is such a wonderful thing. Also, an old law school colleague of mine is an adoption attorney. You probably already have your own, and I don't know what state you live in, but if you ever need any information, I'd be happy to reach out to her.
@tamalahoops Thank you for being so open about this part of your journey. It's such a source of joy to read your updates as you move along in this process. The spark of hope after such a heart breaking experience, is a great encouragement. We're excited for you! If you ever decide to blog, please share your link.
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
@tamalahoops thank you for sharing your story about your journey and Oliver. I'm happy you are feeling a spark of joy and some excitement moving forward. ♥️
My ultrasound picture from out first loss came in the mail today. Thank you again to everyone that encouraged me to ask for it
My beautiful bean. He/she would be almost 3 months old today.
Me: 35 H: 35 Married: 4/5/13 "You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." ~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #1: 11/12/12 EDD 7/25/13 Baby boy: 7/27/13 BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18 BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18 RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28 BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19 BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
This is something I wrote out a month after our last loss. I didn't write it for any particular purpose, just a way to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I'm considering sharing it on social media on the 15th, but I'm not sure yet if I will.
Miscarriage. Practically a 4 letter word. We aren’t supposed to talk about it because we’re somehow expected to protect others from our sadness. A lot of condolences start with “at least”. At least you can get pregnant. At least you already have a child. At least you can adopt. There is no "at least" when your baby dies.
It’s one of the loneliest things I’ve ever experienced. Our first loss was a heartbreaking "missed" miscarriage in December at 9 weeks; when we showed up for the first ultrasound appointment we learned our baby had no heartbeat. This was followed by two early losses (chemical pregnancies in the medical world, a term that feels so undermining of the actual experience). After lots of testing that revealed nothing, we found out we were expecting again in April. Being pregnant again was terrifying. You guard your heart, but you tell yourself that this time will be different. The odds are in your favor. I was worried, but I chose to believe everything would be okay. Even with the worry, I was unbelievably happy to be pregnant again, to be lucky enough to feel a life growing inside of me. After each appointment, and each time seeing the heartbeat (4 times, to be exact) we would let a little more of that joy and excitement creep in. When we got the results of the genetic testing that said we were expecting a chromosomal normal little girl we were over the moon. The next appointment wouldn't be for a few weeks, an ultrasound at the beginning of the 2nd trimester. We felt confident going into that appointment because our genetic testing looked great and we had surpassed the previous loss milestones. But once again, the baby we saw on the ultrasound screen was way too small, way too still, and no matter how frantically I searched, that beautiful flicker in the middle of her chest was no longer there. It had stopped soon after the last time we had seen it. Another miscarriage with no signs that anything had gone wrong. It felt like my own heart had stopped.
There are no words to describe the pain of realizing your baby is gone. You’re numb, you’re sad, you’re angry, you’re broken, and your mind is filled with “what ifs”. There is always guilt after having a miscarriage, but one thing I won’t regret is letting my guard down and daring to love my baby. She deserved to be loved no matter how short her life, and that’s what I did, and what I will always do, along with all the babies I lost. She was mine, and she was perfect. I am always going to be sad that my babies aren’t here, but I will forever be grateful for every single day they were a part of me.
Me: 35 H: 35 Married: 4/5/13 "You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." ~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #1: 11/12/12 EDD 7/25/13 Baby boy: 7/27/13 BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18 BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18 RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28 BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19 BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
“A blessing for falling into a new layer of grief” You thought
you had hit
every layer possible,
that you had found
the far limit
of your sorrow,
of your grief.
Now the world falls
from beneath your feet
all over again,
as if the wound
were opening
for the first time,
only now with
an ache you recognize
as ancient.
Here is the time
for kindness—
your own, to yourself—
as you fall
and fall,
as you land hard
in this layer
that lies deeper than
you ever imagined
you could go.
Think of it as
a secret room—
this space
that has opened
before you,
that has opened
inside you,
though it may look
sharp in every corner
and sinister
no matter where
you turn.
Think of it as
a hidden chamber
in your heart
where you can stay
as long as you need,
where you will
find provision
you never wanted
but on which
your life will now
depend.
I want to tell you
there is treasure
even here—
that the sharp lines
that so match your scars
will lead
to solace;
that this space
that feels so foreign
will become for you
a shelter.
So let yourself fall.
It will not be
the last time,
but do not let this be
cause for fear.
These are the rooms
around which your
new home will grow—
the home of your heart,
the home of your life
that welcomes you
with such completeness,
opening and
opening and
opening itself to you,
no part of you
turned away.
Me: 35 H: 35 Married: 4/5/13 "You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." ~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #1: 11/12/12 EDD 7/25/13 Baby boy: 7/27/13 BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18 BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18 RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28 BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19 BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
Re: TTCAL October Remembrance
At 8.5 weeks I saw a beautiful little baby. I remember being worried he wasn’t moving as much as I thought he should, but didn’t think too much of it. I was supposed to go back for my next appointment around 12 weeks but had to reschedule because my grandmother had passed away. I wasn’t technically “showing” but I was in maternity clothes and patients at work were comfortable enough to ask when I was due. At 14 weeks I saw my doctor. He tried the Doppler and there was nothing, I felt a bit panicked, but he assured me it could be okay, maybe my csection scar was too thick. We weren’t at his normal office, so he didn’t have an ultrasound, and offered to see me first thing on Monday or I could go to a radiology office. I couldn’t wait the weekend. I spend hours waiting, the tech kept the screen turned so I could not see and said she was going to get the radiologist, he refused to come and tell me my baby died. I turned the screen to see, I will never forget the look of the flat line that should be my baby’s heartbeat. Because the radiology office took so long, the hospital would not do my d&c until Monday, it was torture walking around with my dead baby inside me.
A week before my grandma had passed, I remember feeling really sick and my mom had offered to take me to to hospital but I felt it was silly since I could not pinpoint anything really being wrong, the timing lines up for when Harrison stopped growing and that day.
With my 2nd confirmed loss, I had an ultra at 7 weeks, there was fetal development, but because my uterus tilt, no heartbeat was detected. While it looked pretty hopeless, there was a bit of hope. My doctor said he wanted me to come back in a week, but said with how hard it was for the tech to get any images, we still may not be able to confirm either way for a few weeks still. The next week, the sach had already shrunk and was deteriorating, i tried to wait to naturally miscarry, but could not take it anymore after 2 weeks. My doctor tried to be able to do it, but the ultrasound equipment was unavailable, so I had a doctor with the worse bedside manner, it was awful. With my first d&c, I remember my doctor’s condolences, he hugged dh before my surgery, held my hand as I went to sleep, this doctor didn’t even come and talk to dh when the surgery was over.
A week later, I started severely hemorrhaging, and had to see the doctor who did my surgery, while doing an internal exam, she causally mentions that the pathology looked like a molar pregnancy and said there was an incredibly small chance i needed chemo. She refused to do an ultrasound since she “knows she got everything.” That night, I hemorrhage again, I get to see my doctor the next day, when I mention the molar pregnancy during the exam, he immediately takes action, does an ultrasound, does hloodwork, goes over all my prior ultrasounds, since a fetus and molar pregnancy is so rare. My levels initially looked great, but then a month later, I start to hemorrhage and deliver a massive tumor the size of my fist. My pathology also came back from a third hospital, it looks like not only molar pregnancy, but choriocarcinoma. My levels rise, so I urgently need to see a gynecologic oncologist. A ton of tests for metastatic disease, a 2nd d&c and 7 rounds of chemo later, my HCG is finally undetectable.
I remember being terrified something would happen. For the first three weeks I would check for blood on the toilet paper because I was so scared I would lose my baby. This baby was all of our hopes and dreams come true.
I remember seeing our baby for the first time. My love holding my hand and kissing it as we saw the most beautiful heartbeat. The ultrasound tech said it was strong. I wanted to stare at the screen for hours.
I remember being 9 weeks, 4 days and feeling a cramp. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Adrenaline kicked in and all I could think was to go to the hospital.
I remember laying in the ER waiting for the doctor. She came in and said “I’m so sorry...” I barely heard the rest of what she said. I tried to focus on her face but it’s almost like my vision faded away but at the same time all I could see was her face. I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying and I laid there until the news sunk in and I started crying and couldn’t stop.
I remember being terrified I would lose the baby in public and all my doctor said was “oh you’ll know when it happens”. That’s all she said to me about what to expect.
I remember, 4 days later, the most terrible pain I’ve ever felt. It got to the point where I couldnt breathe, think, or speak. The only thing I could do was rock and moan.
I remember the relief I felt when they gave me drugs at the ER. My second trip in 4 days. I remember the doctor saying “we will send the fetus for testing”.
I remember the doctor giving me a big hug as I held the specimen cup and letting me have time alone until I was ready to hand it back. I’m so glad I got to hold my baby in some way.
My first born, my Avery. Your dad and I love you so much.
(Oof yall this got long. It was so cathartic to write. I'm very grateful to this community for creating a safe place for my grief.)
I've been struggling a lot lately with our loss. We lost Oliver in June 2017 at around 11 weeks. He was conceived after many months of trying and was the result of a very difficult IVF cycle that only yielded one viable embryo.
I think a lot about how different things would be if we hadn't lost him. A supervisor at work was due the same time and went on to have a healthy baby boy. Hearing about this child is so difficult. She told me the other day that he has teeth and it seemed impossible. Surely Ollie would not be old enough to have teeth. Surely I had not been grieving so long.
Oliver is likely to be the only baby I will carry in my womb. I am so grateful for the few short months I had with him, first kept safely in a freezer lovingly cared for by Robin, our embryologist. Then for just a few short weeks he was safe in me.
When I was first grieving my loss, I sobbed to my best friend that I felt like I hadn't just lost a baby, I had lost a future I so desperately wanted. I knew that we could not just try again. We couldn't afford it neither financially nor physically and we definitely could not afford the emotional toll. So when we lost Ollie I knew that it was the end of a dream. The end of maternity clothes and bump pics and baby kicks. I grieved hard for the future that i had just robbed of.
Hope is slowly starting to creep back as we move along the adoption process. More than hope, excitement about the future has returned. We talk openly about our future kids. There is more uncertainty that has a real edge of excitement to it. Our baby could look like anyone and come from anywhere. I also have started to find real true joy for others as they celebrate pregnancy and welcome new babies. The sadness is still there of course, but its riding shotgun instead of in the drivers seat.
Married May 2014
TTC # 2 Since December 2021
Baby girl W born 2/2021
Our journey so far...
(tw loss & infertility)
Working with an RE since March 2016
2 failed TI cycles
3 failed IUI cycles
IVF Feb - April 2017
23 eggs collected, 20 mature, 14 fertilized with ICSI, 4 day 3 blasts, 3 day 5 blasts, 1 PGS normal
Transferred 1 PGS normal embryo 4.12.17
BFP 4.21.17
MMC due to small gestational sac 6.8.17
Our adoption journey:
12.25.18 Agency picked and apps submitted!
5.1.19 Adoption on hold so we can buy a house!
1.1.20 Homestudy process started
3.14.20 First social worker visit
5.25.20 Homestudy Approved & Submitted to Agency
6.1.20 Surprise! Positive pregnancy test!
Healthy baby girl born 2/10/2021
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
My beautiful bean. He/she would be almost 3 months old today.
Married: 4/5/13
"You know that place between sleep and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I will always love you.
That's where I'll be waiting."
~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks
BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18
BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18
RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal
BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl
Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28
BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19
BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
This is something I wrote out a month after our last loss. I didn't write it for any particular purpose, just a way to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I'm considering sharing it on social media on the 15th, but I'm not sure yet if I will.
It’s one of the loneliest things I’ve ever experienced. Our first loss was a heartbreaking "missed" miscarriage in December at 9 weeks; when we showed up for the first ultrasound appointment we learned our baby had no heartbeat. This was followed by two early losses (chemical pregnancies in the medical world, a term that feels so undermining of the actual experience). After lots of testing that revealed nothing, we found out we were expecting again in April. Being pregnant again was terrifying. You guard your heart, but you tell yourself that this time will be different. The odds are in your favor. I was worried, but I chose to believe everything would be okay. Even with the worry, I was unbelievably happy to be pregnant again, to be lucky enough to feel a life growing inside of me. After each appointment, and each time seeing the heartbeat (4 times, to be exact) we would let a little more of that joy and excitement creep in. When we got the results of the genetic testing that said we were expecting a chromosomal normal little girl we were over the moon. The next appointment wouldn't be for a few weeks, an ultrasound at the beginning of the 2nd trimester. We felt confident going into that appointment because our genetic testing looked great and we had surpassed the previous loss milestones. But once again, the baby we saw on the ultrasound screen was way too small, way too still, and no matter how frantically I searched, that beautiful flicker in the middle of her chest was no longer there. It had stopped soon after the last time we had seen it. Another miscarriage with no signs that anything had gone wrong. It felt like my own heart had stopped.
There are no words to describe the pain of realizing your baby is gone. You’re numb, you’re sad, you’re angry, you’re broken, and your mind is filled with “what ifs”. There is always guilt after having a miscarriage, but one thing I won’t regret is letting my guard down and daring to love my baby. She deserved to be loved no matter how short her life, and that’s what I did, and what I will always do, along with all the babies I lost. She was mine, and she was perfect. I am always going to be sad that my babies aren’t here, but I will forever be grateful for every single day they were a part of me.
Married: 4/5/13
"You know that place between sleep and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I will always love you.
That's where I'll be waiting."
~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks
BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18
BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18
RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal
BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl
Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28
BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19
BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
You thought you had hit every layer possible, that you had found the far limit of your sorrow, of your grief.
Now the world falls from beneath your feet all over again, as if the wound were opening for the first time, only now with an ache you recognize as ancient.
Here is the time for kindness— your own, to yourself— as you fall and fall, as you land hard in this layer that lies deeper than you ever imagined you could go.
Think of it as a secret room— this space that has opened before you, that has opened inside you, though it may look sharp in every corner and sinister no matter where you turn.
Think of it as a hidden chamber in your heart where you can stay as long as you need, where you will find provision you never wanted but on which your life will now depend.
I want to tell you there is treasure even here— that the sharp lines that so match your scars will lead to solace; that this space that feels so foreign will become for you a shelter.
So let yourself fall. It will not be the last time, but do not let this be cause for fear. These are the rooms around which your new home will grow— the home of your heart, the home of your life that welcomes you with such completeness, opening and opening and opening itself to you, no part of you turned away.
Married: 4/5/13
"You know that place between sleep and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I will always love you.
That's where I'll be waiting."
~Peter Pan
*TW*
BFP #2: 10/29/17 MMC dx @ 9 weeks
BFP #3: 2/2/18 MC 2/7/18
BFP #4: 3/2/18 MC 3/9/18
RPL testing and hysteroscopy: all normal
BFP #5: 4/1/18 MMC dx @ 14 weeks ----> genetically normal girl
Hysteroscopy to remove scar tissue 9/28
BFP #6 11/5/18 EDD 7/20/19 Rainbow baby girl born 7/23/19
BFP #7 12/8/2021 EDD 8/22/2022