@sdelg09 I worked when my girls were little and my free time was reduced greatly when we had kids. With making dinner each night after work, to baths, and bedtime there was maybe an hour at night once they went to sleep because there were still dishes and laundry and cleaning left to do. My DH was pretty good about helping out. A lot of working moms I know have a house cleaner and they eat out a lot which is awesome if you can afford it but we couldn’t.
Ivy: July 2010 | Stella: Dec 2012 | BFP#3: MMC at 11Wk's, July 2017 | Wyatt: April 2019 | BFP#5: Twin Girls due Sept 2020
@ashtuesday I don’t mean to sound like I don’t love spending time with my son. But damn, I do miss vegging out. I’m freaking exhausted by the end of the day, which means falling asleep at like 9pm and zero time to myself. I miss time to myself. Maybe this is just adult life. But damn if I’m not going to whine about it!
@professormama None here. I work days (10 to 4) and my DH works nights 3 to 12). I do mornings, drop off, pick up, dinner, bedtime, and 95% of the cooking and cleaning. My mom watches DD when I go to work because we only have one car (he works within like a 6 min longboard ride away from home). Honestly right now I do not get any me time. Even when I see friends I have her with me. His job right now is awful and he’s always stressed, although it’s changing next month, so things are set to get better. Which is necessary. I told him we couldn’t go on this way with 2 kids especially a newborn, he agreed and has made plans.
At some point I will get me time,buts it’s not now and I accept that. With a fair amount of bitching I admit.
this is my backup acct. prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014 BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
@thatbaintforbetty it sounds like you have it way worse than me, honestly. I know I’m very lucky, all things considered, and love my job. I just miss having more down time - which I actually had at least an hour or two of a night when I wasn’t falling asleep at like 9pm. Now I’m needing more sleep, and I feel sorry for myself for getting it. Hah
I hate no kids weddings. I almost skipped my cousins because of it. And she’s one of my favorite people in my family. It makes no sense, isn’t the point the joining of two people to create a family? Why would you not want that part of the family there?!? It’s one of my hills to die on arguments.
I've always thought this!! I think kids make a wedding so much more fun and lighthearted, if parents choose not to bring them, that's their own choice. However, i also think caterers should be happy with the $$$ they get on the adult plates and charge $5 for the kids frozen chicken finger meal that won't be eaten! Costs can get outrageous so fast!!
I’m having a pitty party...I’m sick again (second time already this pregnancy) my fiancée has been traveling for work for a week now and I’m exhausted. So ready for the first trimester to end!
@roo1381 One of my favorite memories from my wedding was my friends daughter coming up and telling me we had to dance and twirl because we had the dresses for it. And I danced with her more then my DH, lol.
I actually have no idea what catering costs because we did our entire wedding ourselves, we were lucky I have a chef and pastry chef in the family that volunteered to help with food/cake. Even if i had to pay catering costs i would have included kids.
this is my backup acct. prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014 BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
@professormama Oh I hear you loud and clear - it doesn't sound bad, and I didn't mean to sound uppity or otherwise! The other truth is, now that I think about it, I went back to work the same week we moved and I got myself an hour long commute. That's become my me time, where I read and browse social media and BS with my best friend on the phone. And it feels damn good!
@ashtuesday I used to have a commute and I actually really miss it. I loved my time alone in the car, I listened to sooo many podcasts and audiobooks. I really don’t have much to complain about (in perspective). I’m just very grouchy.
@professormama I have 2 kids and they both go to bed at 7:30. I’m a night owl so I get a few hours to myself once they’re asleep. That’s the only way I keep my sanity, lol.
@thatbaintforbetty yes! We had the confetti from the ceremony on the dance floor, and one of my favorite memories was my friend’s son using my dance to stir up up the confetti
@ashtuesday I had to have a talk with my husband after he repeatedly would lock himself away while I’d be cooking dinner and taking care of the screaming baby whose upset that he can’t crawl in the oven or yank on my pants. I would text him to come downstairs immediately and start occupying our son, but I was like, I shouldn’t have to tell you to come help me or to hang out with your family.
Because he’s got to micro-manage everything (he’s got OCD) he made a schedule for himself that included time for family and time for play. It seems a bit extreme to me, but it works for him, and I no longer have to remind him that he has a family to hang out with.
For a while we had a “one hour of me time” “one hour of you time” after work arrangement. I always chose a shower (a long one) and he usually tinkers with his hobbies. After our daughter got more independent and was happy to watch a show in the morning so I could shower then, it’s become more like he can go adventure for a bit, then I cook and he plays with dd and then he cleans kitchen and I play.
Working moms - when do you find time for self care? I’m two days into my semester and I already feel like I’m struggling hard. I’m so lucky to have a flexible job and get to spend a fair amount of time with my kid. But all I want to do is watch TV and sleep!
Truth be told.... I really don't. DH and I both work full time we leave the house at 7 am and get home at 6. We spend from 6 to 730 with DD, dinner, play, bath and then after we put her to bed we get "Free Time". But after I shower, make lunches and whatnot I usually get 1 maybe 2 hours to do what ever I like. I used to watch a lot of TV but now I only watch maybe a few hours each week.
Its a trade off. I love my job and have no interest in being a SAHM. We have a nice house, retirement savings and are going to go on our 3rd vacation this year but on a day to day basis it is pretty hectic.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
Something I didn't anticipate being a STM. Last night (for the 2nd night this week) I had to clean up vomit... A lot of vomit that was all over everything. I gagged a lot but made it through but it was not fun.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@mrstmoose@wearegroot@baya5 I just read that thread from J19...while I have strong opinions on how my will should be done (and have it drafted by my father/estates and trusts attorney), it is not signed yet because DH a) thinks this is scary/I’m plotting to murder him if I insist it get done/doesn’t understand how probate could f our kids over if we don’t clearly outline our wishes, b) we can’t decide on whether our money should go into trust for the kids (if not yet at the age of majority; my opinion; also if in a trust who are the trustees) or just go directly to the guardians for their wise investment/use, and c) we can’t agree on the guardians (I vote my brother (especially since he’ll provide free private high school); DH votes DD’s godfather). How does anyone possibly decide which side of the family gets the kids??
@lyse01 the whole reason we don’t have a will finished is because we can’t decide on guardianship. His family is entirely out, my 30 year old sis hates kids and I have 2 half-siblings 8 & 10 that my parents have enough of a hard time with (they split custody with their bio dad). We try to limit the amount of time DD and my siblings are all with my mom as it is. I don’t think they could handle it full time. We keep trying to come up with something but we’re kinda stuck.
I won’t save for college until I’m comfortable with how my retirement saving are coming along. She can borrow for college, we can’t borrow for retirement. I’m hoping we’ll get there but that time is not now.
this is my backup acct. prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014 BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
Sooo the new family we had rehomed our dog said yesterday after having him for less than 24 hours "He's not a good match with our other dog, please come pick him up today." Cool. Thanks for giving him a chance. Sigh. So now he's back and my emotional roller coaster continues.
@professormama I really don't have much time for self-care right now. With DH's on call schedule, there are usually 2 nights a week that I could go anywhere without having DS (other than work of course). And I usually spend those trying to catch up on house work. By the time DS is in bed and I've showered and tidied up, it's about 9:30 and I'm ready for bed, ha. It sucks, but he's getting a schedule change in Jan, so hopefully we each get more solo time.
@MRDCle - I am so sorry. All dogs need more time than that! So sorry you have to deal with this. As a potential Flame- I owned a very aggressive dog for years (he got progressively worse as he got older). We tried to work with him and when I got pregnant w/ DD we even hired professional help, put him on medication, and tried to find someone to rehome him or a shelter/rescue but no one would take him bc he wasn't very friendly and was aggressive and had bitten ( i still have scars). After DD was born and no luck rehoming and only mild improvement with training and medication. We had to put him down. It was a tough decision but I do not regret it. Also before I get extra flamed I not recommending putting a dog down. Just that I understand the stress that it can cause. Also because people tend to ask. He was a jack Russel who I adopted from an abusive home at 2.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@professormama in full disclosure, I really struggled with the lack of free time after becoming a parent. Pre kids, we would be home between 4:30-5 and literally have the entire night to do whatever we wanted. Weekends were the same. I wouldn't sleep in late, but I would sleep until 8 and then we would do whatever we wanted. Having a child completely changes that. I would say it took me a solid year to really figure out how to take advantage of the "down time" I do get and to retrain my brain into realizing that my evenings are still down time but they include running after a tiny human who has endless energy.
This is also why bedtimes are crucial and I side eye any parent who puts their kid to bed later than 9pm (which to me is even late but I realize some bedtimes work differently for different families).
@kosmo86 thankfully he's not really aggressive with any of us (he growls at my one SIL and barks at DH but that's about it) so hopefully we will find him another home. It's just gonna kill me because when I pulled up to get him yesterday he was so happy to see me.
@mrstmoose I am SO envious. I have those kids who don't go to bed. We've just had to adjust the best we can. Currently both of my kids go to bed at 9pm, and that's only bc DS has finally cut nap now that he's in Kindergarten. IF they both nap they're up until 10pm no matter what I try.
@mrstmoose we got screwed early on because DH was working second shift, so we kept DS up so he would sleep in with DH after I left for work. We started transitioning him earlier at like, 18 months but now still he's HOPEFULLY in bed by 9. I'm working my ass off to get it down to 8, but it's a struggle with being the only one at home a lot of nights to get dinner, bath, and some quality time done by then. Plus he equates the sun with wakefulness so I'm SO happy it's getting darker out now.
@BarefootContessa and @MRDCle - I hope I didn't offend either of you. I just really believe in bedtimes so this is a soap box of mine. DH and I get so many snaps of our friends who keep their kids up past 10:00 (kids are under 1 year old) just because they are up. These people work normal 8-5 jobs so I know they are having to get themselves and the kids up and around for the day before 8. That's where I'm coming from. I totally get a child needing to see their parent and then sleeping late as a result, since that parent can stay home in the morning. It's the people who still wake their kid up early that I side eye.
@MRDCle My DH basically has that schedule now, but because he works so close to home and gets an hour lunch I always try to schedule dinner in that time. It makes it so that he gets a real meal and we spend less money on him eating out/buying and or having to pack something. But his lunch time can very between 7 to like 8:30. He sends me a text with the time and I plan dinner for it. It was really important to both of us that we had dinner as a family. Also some days that 45 min is all I see of DH.
But it makes bedtime much more difficult. She’s usually asleep between 9 and 10 but I would love to have something more solid and stable time wise. I’m totally jealous of your bedtime.
this is my backup acct. prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014 BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
@mrstmoose - totally with you! We treat our schedules like a military operation. Naps from 12-2 (school does this so we adapted it) and at 7pm we start the bedtime process (bath, reading) and lights out at 730. Sometimes she cries for a minute or 2 but puts herself to sleep.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
I’d just like to say I love how people in this group can state their differenting opinions on subjects in a civil manner. (ie rehoming pets, bedtimes). I’ve been in other birth month groups where they viciously attack eachother just for having a different opinion, even on minor issues.
@mrdcle No judgement here, we had a similar issue! H and I got a dog when we bought our house. He was a crazy dog, a super good boy but so high strung and didn't know how to just sit! It didn't matter if he went to doggy daycare all day playing with other dogs, hit the dog park, went swimming in the river, played fetch for an hour, he was always ready to play. And he was a pretty big dog. Finally when our twins were 2 (the dog was 3 1/2, fixed, trained and still bouncing off the walls), we finally admitted he just wasn't living his best life and it wasn't fair to him and we couldn't give it to him as hard as we tried. The trainer we had also worked on the board of a not for profit agency that took care of fostering then rehoming dogs, so I thought she would be perfect to help us. The next day I got a text from her - not even a phone call - saying that he was acting a bit aggressive (like shocker, he was taken from his home and put into another house with 5 other dogs!) and they were going to put him down or we had to take him back. Like really?! You give him a day to readjust then put him down or if not, bring him back home when nothing had changed so we would have to bring him home and get his hopes up? So H and I called every other company in our area and had 4 lined up ready to take him right from them. She totally changed her tune when we said we had other agencies ready to take him and she said she would personally take him on and find him the right home. Unfortunately, I had to accept that and trust she did it. As far as I know he ended up at a farm on an acreage with miles to run.
Me: 31 H: 36 L & N twin girls: 3yo. Born at 30 weeks. 2 month NICU stay BFP Aug 2018: EDD April 2019
@professormama I definitely struggle with the lack of downtime and self-care time (sounds like most of us are). I do try to take the time to get my eyebrows and nails done every few weeks - H kind of forces me out of the house to do it, and the whole time I am hoping they hurry so I can get back to parenting and cleaning my house, but I think it's good for me to at least take that hour. I work from home now, which is mostly amazing, but it really blurs the lines. I personally need a little alone time to reset each night before bed, so I forgo an extra hour of sleep to just sit in bed and watch TV after I put the baby down and clean up around the house, etc. I absolutely hate it when my son takes longer to go to sleep and I don't get my me-time before my husband comes to bed.
Since we are respectfully sharing different opinions, I'll add that I do not think it is necessary to invite children to weddings and that a lot of kids often make a wedding less fun. I invited kids in circles (just those closest to me, up to the children of my first cousins - you have to draw the line somewhere otherwise it never ends) because that seemed diplomatic to me and there weren't a lot of kids yet. Right now my circle has TONS of kids, and I probably would not have wanted 40 of them all over the dance floor at my wedding, not to mention the added expense.
@mrstmoose in no way am I offended. I genuinely WISH my children would sleep. It's something I've just had to learn to adjust to. We have tried everything. I just don't make kids that sleep well. Neither of them slept through the night until they were 2.5. I think they both would go down early if naps were taken away, but in my state it is a requirement that the children have rest time for 1.5 hours each day, and of course they always fall asleep during that time. DS is better now that he's in Kindergarten.
@mrstmoose - totally with you! We treat our schedules like a military operation. Naps from 12-2 (school does this so we adapted it) and at 7pm we start the bedtime process (bath, reading) and lights out at 730. Sometimes she cries for a minute or 2 but puts herself to sleep.
I was so happy when DD went to daycare because that helped me (FTM struggle here) get her on a schedule. She had a bedtime at 6 weeks because the witching hour(s) was brutal. Every. Night. From 5-7. Finally realized that she needed to go to bed at 7. Now it's 8.
@BarefootContessa - naps are a requirement at my house too. Especially for me! I think I was forced to nap or have quiet time until I was 6-7. Kids need rest, whether they like it or not.
So my take on self care is a little warped. As I've mentioned in another post, our kids usually go to bed when we do, so I don't get alone time at night. I try to make the very best of any extra minute I have. For that reason, running on my lunch hour is dire to me (which really sucks bc I can't make myself do it lately with how crappy I feel). I try to take pockets of five to ten minutes here and there to really savor and recharge. I also remind myself that I'm currently "in the trenches" and it won't always be this way.
Here's a random for you. My pregnancy brain is so strong right now I just had to call DH and ask if I showered this morning. I cannot for the life of me remember if I did or not.
Piggy backing on the sleep discussion...I struggled the first year with my DD on getting her on a schedule and sleeping (literally had months of waking every 1-3 hours at night). I was wondering if anyone had recommendations on methods to start with infants/young babies? I was thinking about getting a book like babywise or precious little sleep but wanted to see what other mommas said as well. I know every baby is different but any steps I can take to promote good sleep early on I will do it. I feel like if I had done that in the beginning with DD it wouldn't have been such as issue later.
@gollygeeitsamy I think that avoiding sleep associations (binks, nursing to sleep) and establishing a nice, relaxing, consistent bedtime routine would probably be helpful - that's our approach for number two, though I can already see myself nursing to sleep again. If Babywise is the one I'm thinking of it's SUPER strict so I don't think I would be comfortable using it on a tiny babe but I also don't remember if that's the one I'm thinking of, ha.
Re: Weekly Randoms Thread 8/27
At some point I will get me time,buts it’s not now and I accept that. With a fair amount of bitching I admit.
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
I actually have no idea what catering costs because we did our entire wedding ourselves, we were lucky I have a chef and pastry chef in the family that volunteered to help with food/cake. Even if i had to pay catering costs i would have included kids.
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
College plans scare me.
I won’t save for college until I’m comfortable with how my retirement saving are coming along. She can borrow for college, we can’t borrow for retirement. I’m hoping we’ll get there but that time is not now.
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
@professormama I really don't have much time for self-care right now. With DH's on call schedule, there are usually 2 nights a week that I could go anywhere without having DS (other than work of course). And I usually spend those trying to catch up on house work. By the time DS is in bed and I've showered and tidied up, it's about 9:30 and I'm ready for bed, ha. It sucks, but he's getting a schedule change in Jan, so hopefully we each get more solo time.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
This is also why bedtimes are crucial and I side eye any parent who puts their kid to bed later than 9pm (which to me is even late but I realize some bedtimes work differently for different families).
DS-9/2012
DD-7/2015
But it makes bedtime much more difficult. She’s usually asleep between 9 and 10 but I would love to have something more solid and stable time wise. I’m totally jealous of your bedtime.
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
BFP: 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019
H: 36
L & N twin girls: 3yo. Born at 30 weeks. 2 month NICU stay
BFP Aug 2018: EDD April 2019
Since we are respectfully sharing different opinions, I'll add that I do not think it is necessary to invite children to weddings and that a lot of kids often make a wedding less fun. I invited kids in circles (just those closest to me, up to the children of my first cousins - you have to draw the line somewhere otherwise it never ends) because that seemed diplomatic to me and there weren't a lot of kids yet. Right now my circle has TONS of kids, and I probably would not have wanted 40 of them all over the dance floor at my wedding, not to mention the added expense.
DS-9/2012
DD-7/2015
DS-9/2012
DD-7/2015
DS-9/2012
DD-7/2015