Things I wish I had known...

maggiemadeit

I saw this on the Feb board and thought it was a great idea, so I wanted to bring it here to March.

So any STM+, what are the things you wish you had known with your first pregnancy/baby? Any important lessons we can share with FTM, (or with STM with post-childbirth amnesia)? 

meggyme

I wish I had known what my milk coming in would be like. I was convinced I had mastitis because I woke up on night 4 drenched in sweat, feeling feverish, and my breasts were so full and painful. Not mastitis, just hormones and milk. I literally slept on a towel for like a week because I was tired of changing the sheets every morning after sweating through them.

mschanandlerbong1214

I wish I wasn’t so afraid to ask for help. I hemorrhaged really bad with my first and I had a really hard time getting around and doing anything the first couple months. I wish I hadn’t just dealt with it, but actually asked for help when I needed to rest. 

lemieuxk

meggyme said: by

I wish I had known what my milk coming in would be like. I was convinced I had mastitis because I woke up on night 4 drenched in sweat, feeling feverish, and my breasts were so full and painful. Not mastitis, just hormones and milk. I literally slept on a towel for like a week because I was tired of changing the sheets every morning after sweating through them.

THIS!!! My daughter was in the NICU so I asked to see the lactation consultant only for her to be like "No dummy, that's normal"

lemieuxk

I wish I had realized that the level of anxiety I was experiencing was not normal and gotten help for my PPA/PPD sooner. 

Also, newborns sleep 20 hours a day but know that 19.5 of them will be on you. The dreams i had of all I would get done during naptime!

lovesclimbing

I wish I'd bought more regular pads. I bought a pack of the biggest Always pads available (size 5, I think), and a pack of size 3s and a very small pack of just standard menstrual pads. I received one extra pair of the big underwear and two giant pads from the birth center. 

I ended up using the birth center stuff and the size 5s and 3s for less than a week. Then, I needed just standard menstrual pads for another six weeks, and I had to get more. Which wasn't a huge deal, but still, annoying I didn't have it. 

Get some big pads, sure, but don't skimp on standard pads because you'll need those the longest. (And pantiliners too)

mamakate1616

I wish I had known about the extreme benefits of stool softeners post delivery. OMG. Someokne on my BMB referred to the first poop as “ass glass” and they were 100% correct.   

char245

@mamakate1616 definitely! I asked for them immediately, as well as prune juice and coffee! It was sooooo helpful!

lovesclimbing

Haha, see that's going to be my UO at some point. It could go here, but it doesn't really classify as something I wish I knew. 

Stool softeners aren't necessary. I didn't take one, and the first poop was no big deal. (If it matters, I had a 2nd degree tear and stitches.) I followed the instructions my dad was given when he had hernia surgery. Don't push. If you have to sit there for 45 minutes waiting for it to come out, then you just sit there for 45 minutes. So that's mostly what I did. Some very, very gentle pushes, but just taking my time. It didn't hurt very much, and it was no big deal. And I maybe sat there for 5 minutes. I won't be taking softeners this time either. 

mamakate1616

@lovesclimbing I’m glad that was your experience but it certainly wasn’t mine. I wish I had known to ask for one, or even have them in stock at home. Every single mother I talked to was like “OMG!! Totally! Forgot about that, sorry I didn’t warn you!!” 

I’ll add a ha, ha at spending 45 minutes in the bathroom taking my time. My daughter was screaming her head off when nature called and I didn’t have the luxury. In fact I even held her for a bit just so I could “concentrate”. 

diann21

I’m on team stool softener. The doctors DID give them to me. (Many, many) I had a third degree tear and I remember telling my husband I was more afraid of the first poop than I was of delivery. (Thank you, epidural.)

I also agree with asking for help. I didn’t know what to ask for, but honestly, if someone could have just held the baby for an hour while I napped/bathed/ate, I could have better enjoyed the first few months with my sweet pop. 

bdesterhouse

I won’t have the issue telling people to go away this time. It’ll be five years waiting for this amazing gift from God when they’re born. I’m not going to keep us secluded but I will definitely be soaking up my time home with them. House work can wait, and I know my husband will gladly pick up my slack. 

Enjoy the little cuddling moments that happen happen in the beginning, and babies only cry when they need something. There is no such thing as spoiling a baby the first twelve months of their life. If baby wants cuddles, I’m gonna give baby cuddles. If it makes them feel comforted then I’m doing my job as mom. 

stephorgutz

More about postpartum and newborn care. I got so focused on the pregnancy I didn't feel like I prepared myself with breastfeeding or mental prep of no sleep/crying. Also, talking through expectations with DH! He kept saying he never imagined the no sleep/lots of crying part! Haha let's just say we know what to expect this time (as much as you can prepare for a new little personality) and I feel much more confident. 

maggiemadeit

I really wish I had known how much I would need my own mother once I became a mother. I have been a very independent daddy’s girl since I was little, and I have never needed my mom more than in the weeks after my daughter was born. 

I had a rough labor that ended in a c-section, and some complications afterwards that had us stuck in the hospital for almost a week. After that my mom came and stayed with us, forced me to take naps, stocked my freezer with meals, cleaned the house, and basically force fed me for a week. When it was time for her to leave, I cried and begged her to stay a few more days. I still say I wouldn’t have survived the first week without her. 

meggyme

@lovesclimbing TMI: I think I had a bit of bladder leakage for awhile after and wore pantyliners for probably a month and a half because my crotch would smell SO bad by the end of the day. Eventually I figured out it was that and went from changing my undies 4 times a day to just changing the panty liner.

Any new mom that isn’t already prepared with it, I give dermoplast (the blue can, NEVER red) prep H wipes, and stool softeners.

Runninggal28

Lots of good advice! 

I would like to add, keep an open mind about birth. Have a plan of what you want to do but know going into it that every labor and delivery is different and it might not be what you expect. My husband claims the best (and only useful) piece of advice we got from the birthing class we took was that your wife might turn into a completely different person during labor. This was definitely true for me.  Also my first and second births were completely different pain wise so I know to not expect it to be the same the third time around! 

Last one, make sure you advocate for yourself. Once you leave that hospital, you are on your own! If you are in pain or not comfortable with breastfeeding, etc, you make sure someone helps you with it until you are comfortable. 

maggiemadeit

@Runninggal28 That is really good advice. I was so focused on having a natural birth that I never prepared for the possibility of a c-section. I wish I had prepared more for all the possible outcomes, because you’re right, it might not go how you expect. 

mamakate1616

Ditto @Runninggal28 and @maggiemadeit, it was so hard adjusting to reality after my birth didn’t go to plan.

Even though I was told 1 in 3 women end up with a c section I was sure I would be successful with my unmedicated birth and up until the crash c section it went perfect. It was very traumatic for all of us and I wish I had at least allowed myself to consider the potential so I wouldn’t have felt like a failure when it happened. 

kapowfal

Bring snacks to the hospital. The cafeteria may not be open 24/7 and, even though they tell you not to eat, snack anyway. Birthing a baby is exhausting and you need energy! They can't kick you out of the hospital.

https://www.asahq.org/about-asa/newsroom/news-releases/2015/10/eating-a-light-meal-during-labor
^^An article from the American Society of Anesthesiologists about eating during labor.

Just for background and the reason I feel strongly about this topic. I was induced at 37+6 for no weight gain by the baby (IUGR). I was admitted to the hospital Thursday night at 10 pm (night 1). 24 hours later, I made no progress and my OBGYN did allow me to eat the second night (Friday). The 3rd night (Saturday), she broke my water around 8:45. My daughter was born Sunday at 13:33. I ate Sunday about 7 after being settled in our new room. That would have been ~48 hours without food had I not eaten a baked potato (small potato, just butter and sour cream, very bland, but filling) on Saturday night before she broke my water. I will add, I was nervous, anxious, excited, overwhelmed, scared, etc. so being hungry wasn't on my mind, but my mom made me eat, haha. The nurse did see me, and she just said, "I'll pretend I don't see that." 

Obviously everyone's experience will be different and I'm not forcing you to bring snacks to the hospital, or suggesting you disregard what your doctor or anesthesiologist might say. Every pregnancy, doctor, hospital is different. 

TL;DR - bring snacks; you'll need energy; they can't kick you out.

christac1010

I wish someone told me about the contractions that would follow labor and the blood clots you may pass. Also how much your body will undergo in general. I actually felt really good after giving birth and the nurses were even impressed with my uterus recovery. I went too hard when I got home though because I thought I felt better than I did. Giving birth is MAJOR trauma. Be kind to your body. My birth was about 3.5 hours and I still remember sweating and breathing so hard to which the nurse commented on labor being the most intense workout your body will ever go through in your life. Every muscle in my body was sore!

Things I knew and I was thankful I knew because I wouldn’t have known without boards like this - bring snacks to the hospital (to follow the intense workout, you will be starving. I ate 3 protein bars because I finally gave birth at 12am. There was no hope for real food. Also they don’t feed partners), take everything from the hospital room (a nurse encouraged us because you pay for it anyway. Even the bath basins have become cleaning buckets and puke buckets at home), write down your birth story ASAP (I wrote it down a few hours later when the baby was sleeping. I never would have remembered most of the details with the following days of sleep deprivation), and trust your body (I basically slept through the end of labor because I was exhausted but my body still woke me up to push and then I had the adrenaline rush of a lifetime). 

When you're a new mom, eating and showering are important. Make sure your partner or a family member helps you with these simple tasks because you will forget otherwise. 

lovesclimbing

I'm sure this varies, but reading all these posts makes me so thankful for my birth center! They encouraged eating during labor and gave me a list of recommended snacks to bring. They then, after labor, ordered you and your spouse or support person food from wherever you wanted, typically one of the handful of restaurants that was nearby. It was breakfast time, so we got IHOP. Oh, it was so good! I ordered a huge meal. Eggs, hash browns, bacon, waffles. I hope I deliver during IHOP's open hours again this time!   

Anyway, so all that to say, definitely check on the food situation where you're giving birth before hand! A PP said they don't give food to partners. I don't know if she meant just during labor, but I know people who have delivered in hospitals and the meal afterward is a special meal for you both. 

Runninggal28

@christac1010 also good advice about taking care of yourself!  It can be hard to find your groove or have baby out of your site but I promise you will feel 1000x better if you take time to do something simple like shower, brush your teeth, and eat! 

christac1010

@lovesclimbing I was the one who mentioned my husband didn’t get food. We had a stork dinner the night after I gave birth. He wasn’t fed at any other point during the the three day hospital stay. It’s totally fair they didn’t feed him but it was just something we didn’t think about until it was mentioned during birthing class. He also wasn’t allowed any medication, even ibuprofen, and he had a headache after being up for two days. The nurse recommended he bring some with his snacks this time. Your experience at a birthing center sounds amazing. I got a cold sandwich and jello each meal. I would have killed for a full breakfast afternoon birth! 

lovesclimbing

christac1010 said:

@lovesclimbing I was the one who mentioned my husband didn’t get food. We had a stork dinner the night after I gave birth. He wasn’t fed at any other point during the the three day hospital stay. It’s totally fair they didn’t feed him but it was just something we didn’t think about until it was mentioned during birthing class. He also wasn’t allowed any medication, even ibuprofen, and he had a headache after being up for two days. The nurse recommended he bring some with his snacks this time. Your experience at a birthing center sounds amazing. I got a cold sandwich and jello each meal. I would have killed for a full breakfast afternoon birth! 

Yea, for during labor they recommended bringing snacks if not full meals for your partner, haha, and they had a fridge for us to store stuff in. We left much earlier than is typical for hospital births (which is normal for out of hospital births), so we didn't have any other meals there. 

swanbrooner

I wish I would’ve know more about what is normal and what isn’t normal when starting to attempt breastfeeding.

peacebubblebaby

I wish I would have known that the hospital birth class was a complete waste of time and money, I thought it was fine after I finished it, but it did not prepare me at all. The second time (and this time) I took a birth hypnosis class that helped me so much more and gave me things I could actually do to get more comfortable.

I wish I had known that home birth is safer than hospital births. I had thought about it with my first and then decided to do it for my second if my first went alright....well the hospital made more complications then there needed to be and I ended with an “emergency” (unnecessary) c-s with PTSD that causes me to always doubt doctors - 7 years later and it’s still a major issue I am have to work through. I went on to have a much easier birth at home, with Hypnobabies, for my second and planning for the same this time.

WkoutMomtoBe

EDIT bc I did it wrong....

Wish i knew what to expect down there after having a baby. I actually had little to no pain but I'd pee and not know it. I was walking in my hospital room and noticed pee trail behind me. I had no control. I still have issues 1.5 years later and I'm in pelvic floor therapy. When i started i could not even feel to do a kegel. I shouldve started much sooner bc i had major low back pain too. 


I also got hemorrhoids 5+ days after bc no one stressed stool softener.

Depends were my friend between my leaky bladder and bleeding. I wore diapers for 3 straight weeks. No shame

Also if you think something isn't right, stay on your provider. The nurses brushed it off but i ended up with retained placenta 10 days after his birth. It was very scary...i thought an organ fell out. I had to have an emergency m d and c. I was so confused by all info i was given at discharge.

greenbee

Some of these echo what others have said...

-I decided the term "blood, sweat, and tears" was coined to describe the postpartum weeks. You may feel gross and nothing like yourself for awhile. You will find yourself again. Give it time.

-In my experience, birth plans are a joke. At the very least, be open minded.

-Lean on the people you need to lean on. If someone is negative or causes you stress, do what you have to do to keep them at arm's length. It doesn't matter who it is. You don't owe anyone anything.

-Hang on to some gift cards from the baby shower. You will inevitably need something you had no idea you needed. It's nice to be able to hand your H or your mom a gift card and have them go pick it up.

WkoutMomtoBe

peacebubblebaby said:

I wish I would have known that the hospital birth class was a complete waste of time and money, I thought it was fine after I finished it, but it did not prepare me at all. The second time (and this time) I took a birth hypnosis class that helped me so much more and gave me things I could actually do to get more comfortable.

We took a private birth class, Birth Bootcamp, and felt confident. It helped us so much and we attribute it to me having an unmedicated 48 hr (3.5 hours of pushing) labor. Hospital classes only teach you what benefits them.  Our class eas 10 weeks, long but so amazing and informative. At pur hodpital tour they thought my husband was a dr bc of his questions. LOL

ashley14598

Okay I had a lot written and just lost it all ... soooooo here we go on round 2: 

1. After birth I was offered pain meds by the nurses. I was tired and sore so I accepted it thinking this was common. I later found out it not that common to take strong pain meds after birth most people just take ibuprofen and that’s about it. I developed a HORRIBLE reaction to this medication. I was having night terrors, was very tearful, I couldn’t lay down without feeling like my chest was caving in, I thought I got head lice at the hospital because I felt like bugs were crawling on my head (which lasted for months every time I breastfed). So I tell you this because I have learned to advocate for myself and ask more questions. Next time I won’t take any meds except potentially ibuprofen. I will also be more in tune with my own body and not so concerned with visitors/etc. Your time in the hospital/birthing center/with your midwife at home is your time to ask questions and talk through everything you are feeling. 

2. You do need newborn clothes I feel like everyone continued to tell me we didn’t need them that he wouldn’t be in them long anyways that 0-3 is the same he can wear those. 0-3 is not the same, and babies go through multiple outfits/day (ours was a huge spitter!). We thankfully had my mom pick us up some more NB clothes but yes you do need them. Also I suggest getting the ones with mittens built in the mittens never stayed on my LOs hands. 

3. If you are planning to breastfeed ... You do need sleeping nursing bras. Even if you wait to get some nicer ones for when you go back to work, wear nice clothes, etc. after I had baby I wore nursing tank tops, sweatpants, and my maternity t-shirts with sleeping nursing bras. The sleep ones are very soft and you can easily put pads in them. Your baby will eat every 3 hours or more from the time of the beginning of the last feed. And like someone else mentioned this causes night sweats which makes you want to shower (for me twice a day) which means I was going through 2-3 nursing bras/day. Most of mine came in packs of 2 from target I plan on getting way more this time. Also I would suggest picking up the breastfeeding heating/cooling pads they will be necessary when your milk comes in. 

4. Every time I fed baby in the first week or so after delivery I was RUNNING to the restroom to pee. When they eat it makes your uterus contract on your bladder and when you breastfeed you are very thirsty so your bladder is usually full. I just wish I had known that. In the hospital this was a problem for me because I had DH help me get to the bathroom (due to my horrible med reaction that I was normal). And he had to put baby back in the crib to help me, etc. this next time I’ll be using the nurses more for things like this  

flyingmombula

I think you ladies have covered a lot of the important stuff. Then there’s me wishing I had got a mani/ pedi before I went to the hospital because my nails look like s*** in all my son’s newborn photos  

meggyme

@ashley14598 that’s interesting that you had that reaction. With 3rd degree tearing I definitely needed the heavier meds. In fact, I had to ask my doc for a refill. And if I waited too long to take the next dose I definitely paid for it.

ashley14598

@meggyme wow that is interesting! I tore too (I’m not sure to what degree but she sure sewed for awhile) so maybe in hindsight that’s why they offered me more pain killers. But I did talk to the nurse and my midwife about my symptoms of crying excessively in the hospital and she kinda dismissed it as baby blues. I had no reason not to believe her. It wasn’t until I got home and couldn’t lay in my own bed without night terrors (just from closing my eyes) and the other symptoms that I knew something was terribly wrong. I spent my first “night” at home in the ER with my DH and my baby sound asleep in his car seat. 

kateemgeethesequel

lemieuxk said:

I wish I had realized that the level of anxiety I was experiencing was not normal and gotten help for my PPA/PPD sooner. 

Also, newborns sleep 20 hours a day but know that 19.5 of them will be on you. The dreams i had of all I would get done during naptime!

Plus one and lots of hugs for solidarity. I didn’t even realize that what I experienced post partum was PPA until after my SECOND was born. And mine manifested in rage and terrible intrusive thoughts. This time I’ll be on the lookout and get my butt on drugs and into therapy the second anything feels off. 

lovesclimbing

I had a very mild experience with tearing. I had a second degree tear and several stitches. They numbed me with local anesthetic before stitching (a spray anesthetic to numb the shots, and then 4 shots above, on each side and below), and it wore off a few hours later. 

I actually had very little pain until the third day when it got so painful I couldn't sit. I had to lie down or lean on my side. My mom had given me Earth Mama Angel Baby Bottom Balm and Bottom Tea. I'd been using the balm, and it felt nice. (The midwives had also given me a spray bottle with witch hazel and whatever in it that seemed to help, too.) I tend to be a little bit skeptical of natural stuff. I use it because I prefer avoiding meds if possible, but I tend to think it can't possibly work as well as meds. Well, I never took meds, so I can't compare, but that tea was like magic!!!! It was basically a large tea bag that you steeped for a few minutes and then put in your underwear. I chilled it in the freezer first. The pain was gone within 45 minutes! It was so amazing! And then the excess liquid from steeping you can use to make "padsicles," which I did. 

I can't swear by that stuff enough! Definitely recommend it to others!

Anyway, so your mileage may vary regarding pain and such with tearing and post birth. 

lindseyb918

I would've limited the number of visitors to the hospital. I think when I totaled it up, over 60 people came to visit. This time, it's immediate family only (though I doubt there will be as much excitement since it's our second). I hated feeling like I had to entertain people while I had a cath bag of bloody urine hanging off me. 

Also, I would've been more prepared with breastfeeding supplies, like the random stuff you don't think of. My SIL is a lactation consultant and got me the best basket of goodies. Three packs of granola bars (you'll be starving), a 60oz reusable water bottle to stay hydrated, a set of 12 nursing pads (need to be changed multiple times per day in the beginning), and these amazing Medela cooling gel things you put in the fridge for sore nips. 

lindseyb918

Also, educate yourself on "the fourth trimester" and how to keep baby happy those first few wks. Read "Happiest Baby on the Block" and have a white noise machine. 

itsmebecky

I wish i had known just how unique and different each persons delivery and recovery is. I would stress over how icky i was feeling 2-3 months after and how i bled after for longer than was “okay.” But i had a very traumatic delivery and lost a lot of blood, and as long as youre checking in with your doctor if theres anything of big concern and going to your post partum visits, rest assured that every body recovers differently and it truly does take time. 

litzi-2

I wish I had known that things can still go wrong even after all of the testing and 20 week scans come back normal. Abruptions, preterm labor, being told you might lose the baby any day, months of bedrest - its all hard emotionally. Very hard. Any complications are always hard, get support from someone whos been there. In person or online. What else. Well, nothing can prepare you for months and months of colicky baby. You don't want to ask for help because you know the baby just cries, but taking care of a crying baby for a few hours when you know you can give it back is nothing in comparison. Get help, a shower, a nap. Anything. And I also struggled with breastfeeding. Baby weight gain can be up and down. Supply issues are common. I also had plugged ducts every day or two and this was painful and awful. I actually had the most success with lecithin. I'm going to start that next pregnancy before any problems arise. 

last14real

#1 thing I wish that I would have known with my first baby is about the BLUE Dermoplast spray. The hospital gave it to me with my second baby and it’s amazing! It’s a numbing, cooling, healing soothing spray you can spray on your poor shredded lady bits. Total game changer.
Pat yourself dry after you rinse with the peribottle cloths are more comfortable then tp if you don’t mine the extra laundry (don’t wash or dry with scented anything)
The witch hazel pads can sting a little but give them a chance they are soothing and this sounds weird but if I knew I would be sitting for a bit I would tuck a pad between my cheeks just where the hemmroids were for a couple hours. They went away much faster then just wiping with a pad and made me feel less slimy then the cream.
Lastly to all the stool softener comments MOST Drs prescribe or recommend them if you are on daily pain meds even just the ibprofun 800’s bc those pain meds will back you up! I have an uncle dr, aunt nurse, and sister who is a nurse and they all assured me it’s normal. Plus they work at 2 different hospitals and an emergency room so several different facilities practice, makes me pretty confident that staying on them while on pain meds is fine. And if you have 45 mins to try and poop and don’t want to take pills that’s great but with a newborn and 3 other littles at home I don’t see that as an option for myself. If I did have 45 mins I think I’d take the pills, poop fast, and take a quiet bath instead

CaptainPhasma

1. Don't eat poppyseed muffins or everything bagels within 24 hours of going to the hospital. They will give you a positive for opiates on your urine screen and CPS will be involved. It didn't happen to me, but a lawyer couple I am friends with and they were put through the ringer. 

2. "Breast is best" but Follow with the Bottle! Sometimes hospital staff can be too overzealous with breastfeeding (with good reason, it isn't as easy as you think it will be and it can take like a week for your milk to come in). It's normal for your baby to lose weight the week after they are born (they get a little bloated floating in all that fluid) but count those wet diapers religiously to make sure they aren't getting dehydrated. And if they're still not growing after a week, talk to your pediatrician about supplementing with formula (don't give a baby water, it can hurt their little kidneys). One of my best friends thought her newborn had colic for a month before she tried offering him formula, turns out he was just not getting enough milk. Another mom friend had a baby that seemed to be "spitting up" more than the normal amount, turns out he was severely lactose intolerant and couldn't breakdown breastmilk, she had to try a bunch of different formulas before she found one that worked. I had to do the same once my kiddo hit 6 months because it turns out he had a dairy protein (not lactose) sensitivity. Voice concerns to the pediatrician early and often.

3. On that note, find a pediatrician with a 24-hour nurse on-call help line if you can. It's really helpful when your kid gets their first fever at 4am and you're not sure if you need to take them to the ER.

4. Yes, you're going to want a foot stool if you're nursing in a gliding rocker. It doesn't have to be a matching set, but something to prop your feet up so you can rest the pillow on your knees and get baby up to the boob more easily. And get one of those backrest pillows with the little arms for nursing in bed.