Has anyone ever heard of a blessingway? My neighbor was telling me about it, and i'm a little enamored with the idea now, but she's a bit of a free spirit, so i'm not sure if i had never heard of one because i'm lame, or if its just for hippies.
Its supposed to be an alternative to a baby shower where the mom to be invites a bunch of other moms into her home and they give her wishes/blessings for the birth and present her with a bead, and then the mom-to-be wears a necklace made of the beads while she's in labor for strength/encouragement/etc. I am sure there is way more than just that, so i'm secretly hoping someone has been to one or will be having one so they can give me details!!
So from what I've read it's a group of the mother to be's closest friends and family and they sit in a circle and discuss aspects of motherhood, concerns, anything to make the mother being celebrated feel supported and mentally, spiritually, physical ready for her new role in life. To me that's this group of women. I mean yeah it's not the same as being physically together and going over birth stories or glory stories or horror stories but I get the same empowering and emotional preparation from talking to you ladies every day, probably more so than I would with a group of my closest mom friends and family because this is everyone's real and nutty gritty and it the sugar coating I think I'd get from some people I know. It sounds like a lovely afternoon event though and if I were ever invited to one after having the babies I'd happily join.
From a cultural standpoint a Blessingway is specifically a Navajo tradition, and a lot of people from the culture find it appropriative for others to use their ceremonies without understanding of fully appreciating them.
Does anyone have any favorite suggestions for parenting books/resources? I feel like, especially for ones about baby/toddler, the next three months are probably my best time to actually read them...
Anyone feel like they are going to suck at being a "girl mom"? And I guess I'm getting ahead of myself because it's not the newborn stage I'm worried about but when she gets older. My mom and I were not close growing up and we still aren't now. She never did any girly things with me, and who knows my DD could be uninteresred in those things and that's totally fine, but it's not just hair and nails I'm worried about. My mom wasnt good at teaching me things like hygiene and when it came to my menstrual cycle and, even later, sex ed. She just didn't know how/couldn't be bothered and so I figured a lot out on my own. And when I needed her for something I felt uncomfortable going to her about it because of this.
Obviously I know what I need to teach her because I've learned all these things but I guess I'm just afraid of failing her? Maybe I'm just crazy? Clearly I have time before any of this matters Haha SO just laughs and says it will all be ok.
@nmadjeski Your husband is probably right, it will be okay. I see your concern about these issues as a positive indicator that you will do your best to keep communication open and supportive for your daughter, which sounds like the opposite of what you received as a child and adolescent. You're going to do great!
@nmadjeski It's not exactly like your story, but I kind of get how you feel.
My mom and I were VERY close when I was younger, and I thought she was great. Then when I was a senior in high school I found out that my mom had been cheating on my dad and kind of went off the deep end. The divorce was ugly, and a bunch of stuff started coming out about how she used to be when we were little and just some of the things she'd done that I had no idea about. After I got out of high school, I feel like she stopped being a "mom" and just wanted to be cool and hip and young again, and was just trying to be friends instead. And I hated it, because I just wanted a regular mom. And I had a hard time talking to her and we grew apart. 10 years later and we're still trying to figure it out. (My whole family has an issue with feelings and affection)
I do have fears that I'm going to end up having some kind of mid-life crisis that she did. But I also feel like I know how I DON'T want to be by her (and my family's) example. So I'm trying to stay positive that way, knowing how all that stuff made me feel, then I can try to change it in the next generation.
@nmadjeski I think you'll be alright you already know what felt like a strain between you and your mom so you know what to do differently with your own little one
I think that having less than ideal parent situations growing up helps us to ensure we give our kids better. Knowing the kind of parent we hope to be, helps us to work toward being that parent.
I was totally thinking your comment about being a girl mom was going to end up being about ballet classes, make-up, and boy-craziness. That is my fear if I have a girl because I’m afraid I won’t be able to relate to a girl like that very welll.
For the parts about teaching your daughter daughter about her body, sexuality, etc, that you didn’t learn from your Mom- you know what you missed and will be able to work out how to do it in an age appropriate manner. In addition to teaching your daughter about the things, you might consider giving her the resources to learn them for herself and skills to distinguish bs from good information.
@nmadjeski I totally understand. I have DD and now this LO is a girl also and I'm so nervous about the preteen and teenage years. My mom tried, she really did, but she was definitely NOT easy to talk to. When I got my period when I was 12 I never told her and she found out like 4 months later and she was so upset I didn't tell her about it. But I just didn't feel comfortable asking questions or telling her about things like that. I'm not sure how, but my goal with my daughters is for them to be comfortable enough to have that line of communication open with us that I never had. Like PP have said, just having the experience that you had I think already prepared you to want to do better for your daughter.
@nmadjeski I think we all have those fears, regardless of our parent relationship. I had/have an amazing relationship with my mom; always have, and I have such anxiety about when we have our next kid as she will be a girl and I am terrified I wont be able to hav as good a relationship with my daughter as I do with my mom. I run through ways in my mind to replicate it, but so much of it is dependent on the kid as well and their own personality. I think when it comes to kids, we are always going to be nervous about doing it wrong, and I think some of that anxiety can be harnessed to make us good parents
Thanks ladies! I definitely had a less than idea upbringing and I'm so afraid of screwing my kids up. Just have to stay positive and learn from the past.
@nmadjeski nothing to add to what the other girls said, but you are not alone! I think that just because you’re already thinking about it and how to do your best says that you’re going to be great. You care, and that is what matters. Maybe it won’t all go smoothly but you and your DD will figure out the language that works for you guys!
@nmadjeski I also had a messed up childhood and have a fear of messing up my kids too, but like @sammierose464 said you tend to want better for your kid that you had and learn from that. I feel like our generation is more likely to want to change things and not mimic our parents much like our parents did with theirs. If that makes sense
Me 33 DH 41 TTC since 2016 Due: October 12, 2018 Location: Ontario, Canada
I look at my own situation, not knowing my bio dad, having a really shitty first step dad and then the men who have been in my life. I think that's why I find men who are good with kids so attractive. DH beats himself up about being a good dad. I think he's an amazing father and I know he will be a great dad to G. I know all of the men I've dated are ones I saw the potential to be good fathers.
@nmadjeski totally worried about being a girl mom too. Especially when she becomes a teen. 1) I was a royal bitch from 9-19. Me and my butted heads a lot. 2) Have you seen girls fashion lately? My mother freaked about tank tops and short shorts, but now I see 12 year olds in bralettes. She gonna hate me I’m sure. 3) I’m not a girly girl at all. I don’t even know how to do hair or makeup. What if my kid is? My point, I get it! However, I will say, I was terrified to be a boy mom too and I LOVE it!
I was hoping for a boy because I don't know how to do girl hair! But now I'm having a girl and my biggest concern is making sure she has confidence! I'm always complaining about my weight and I need to cut that shit out because I want her to feel positive about herself despite living in a world designed to make women self loathing and insecure. On the flip side I also have a boy and I want to make sure he learns how to be confident and secure as well without having to act macho. I want him to be able to express emotions in a healthy way and treat women with respect. So many challenges for each gender and I get that great fear of fucking up our kids in way or another!
@nmadjeski I had a lot of the same fears. Still do. Some of it is compounded by the fact that my son and I are really close. I worry about her feeling not loved the same way as well. My mom and I are not close. She drives me crazy most days. I don’t feel loved by her the same way she loves my sisters. With E being the only girl between 2 boys, I can’t help but worry about our relationship. I just hope that she feels that I do love her. I want her to feel like she’s enough for me. She’s a mama’s girl at 18 months and I hope that we can foster that into a good relationship.
@nmadjeski Like others have said, I think that’s a completely normal response and fear. I had a great relationship with both my parents growing up. Yes, they made mistakes and they still do, but I always knew they loved me and my siblings more than anything and I think that’s the most important part. I have the same fears about teaching our son to be a respectful, caring, strong man. But most importantly I just want him to know how loved he is, and I think the rest will come with doing the absolute best we can.
I think we have all already shown shown how much we love our kids because we care to have these types of conversations. We will all do just fine, in our own unique way I think.
If it’s helpful, I really wanted a boy for my first lo since I’m “not girly” and I had a girl and it’s fucking rad. She’s amazing and spirited and probably gonna run the world someday and be a feminist and everything awesome. I’m super glad I can help shape a new awesome female. Now this next one is a boy and NOW I’m actually more nervous that I don’t know what I’m doing!
Sorry ladies! Work this weekend was crazy so I didn't get on here.
Thanks for all the positivity and stories you guys shared. It's really good to know I'm not alone in my fears. I may not get on here and post as much as some of you but I really love being apart of this group.
Anyone else have low iron? They just redid my test and taking a standard dose hasn't moved it at all. Now I'm up to a double dose. Fun. No history/experience with anemia, so how big of a deal is this? One midwife said "super common" the other said "may need a blood transfusion at delivery" so I'm clearly getting both the best and worst case scenarios...
@halfanewt I’m anemic even when I’m not pregnant and my iron gets even lower during pregnancy. I’ve been taking a daily iron supplement since I was 11 or 12. It’s never caused any issues and no doctor (including my OB) has ever been concerned when I’ve mentioned it.
I also have low iron normally and have anemia now and during my other 2 pregnancies. It hasn't been a big deal for me, but anemia can make you dizzy, tired, etc, and the supplement helps.
I'm sure the worst case scenarios could be serious but I feel like that's the exception, not the rule.
@lest12 I know that in my car for 3 across you have to use the seatbelts because the latch systems overlap or something? And the car seats can’t overlap at all.
Full disclosure: if my nipple gets stimulated in foreplay/sex/whatever, a nerve in a tooth on my bottom jaw hurts or is super twingey-not-in-a-good-way. It's so weird.
I have the most sensitive nipples and they are always hard these days and so they are even more sensitive. So I was totally wondering how I was going to let a baby suck on them!
Me 33 DH 41 TTC since 2016 Due: October 12, 2018 Location: Ontario, Canada
@sliztee dh had read that nipple simulation was supposed to be amazing for women. What he doesn't understand is maybe for most women but sure as heck not me! He gets frustrated that it isn't enjoyable to me. Every once and a while it feels good but most times I want to jerk away or hit him. Oooh breastfeeding is going to be interesting. Really hoping I lose some sensitivity!!
Re: Questions 7/6
To me that's this group of women. I mean yeah it's not the same as being physically together and going over birth stories or glory stories or horror stories but I get the same empowering and emotional preparation from talking to you ladies every day, probably more so than I would with a group of my closest mom friends and family because this is everyone's real and nutty gritty and it the sugar coating I think I'd get from some people I know. It sounds like a lovely afternoon event though and if I were ever invited to one after having the babies I'd happily join.
Anyone feel like they are going to suck at being a "girl mom"? And I guess I'm getting ahead of myself because it's not the newborn stage I'm worried about but when she gets older. My mom and I were not close growing up and we still aren't now. She never did any girly things with me, and who knows my DD could be uninteresred in those things and that's totally fine, but it's not just hair and nails I'm worried about. My mom wasnt good at teaching me things like hygiene and when it came to my menstrual cycle and, even later, sex ed. She just didn't know how/couldn't be bothered and so I figured a lot out on my own. And when I needed her for something I felt uncomfortable going to her about it because of this.
Obviously I know what I need to teach her because I've learned all these things but I guess I'm just afraid of failing her? Maybe I'm just crazy? Clearly I have time before any of this matters Haha SO just laughs and says it will all be ok.
My mom and I were VERY close when I was younger, and I thought she was great. Then when I was a senior in high school I found out that my mom had been cheating on my dad and kind of went off the deep end. The divorce was ugly, and a bunch of stuff started coming out about how she used to be when we were little and just some of the things she'd done that I had no idea about. After I got out of high school, I feel like she stopped being a "mom" and just wanted to be cool and hip and young again, and was just trying to be friends instead. And I hated it, because I just wanted a regular mom. And I had a hard time talking to her and we grew apart. 10 years later and we're still trying to figure it out. (My whole family has an issue with feelings and affection)
I do have fears that I'm going to end up having some kind of mid-life crisis that she did. But I also feel like I know how I DON'T want to be by her (and my family's) example. So I'm trying to stay positive that way, knowing how all that stuff made me feel, then I can try to change it in the next generation.
TTC since 2016
Due: October 12, 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada
I was totally thinking your comment about being a girl mom was going to end up being about ballet classes, make-up, and boy-craziness. That is my fear if I have a girl because I’m afraid I won’t be able to relate to a girl like that very welll.
For the parts about teaching your daughter daughter about her body, sexuality, etc, that you didn’t learn from your Mom- you know what you missed and will be able to work out how to do it in an age appropriate manner. In addition to teaching your daughter about the things, you might consider giving her the resources to learn them for herself and skills to distinguish bs from good information.
@chyvie I think I need to read that book! Haha
TTC since 2016
Due: October 12, 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada
@chyvie that absolutely makes sense.
So many challenges for each gender and I get that great fear of fucking up our kids in way or another!
I think we have all already shown shown how much we love our kids because we care to have these types of conversations. We will all do just fine, in our own unique way I think.
female. Now this next one is a boy and NOW I’m actually more nervous that I don’t know what I’m doing!
Thanks for all the positivity and stories you guys shared. It's really good to know I'm not alone in my fears. I may not get on here and post as much as some of you but I really love being apart of this group.
I also have low iron normally and have anemia now and during my other 2 pregnancies. It hasn't been a big deal for me, but anemia can make you dizzy, tired, etc, and the supplement helps.
I'm sure the worst case scenarios could be serious but I feel like that's the exception, not the rule.
I thought I read somewhere that you can't put 3 carseats in a backseat, or have 3 people sitting in the back, if the latch overlaps with a seatbelt.
Am I making sense? Am I making this up?
thank you! Very helpful to hear that it’s more on the “super common” end
Full disclosure: if my nipple gets stimulated in foreplay/sex/whatever, a nerve in a tooth on my bottom jaw hurts or is super twingey-not-in-a-good-way. It's so weird.
TTC since 2016
Due: October 12, 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada