Official Crazy Family Thread (May/June)

knottieamusements

This week’s BF is all about MILs, with a side order of crazy family.  Between Memorial Day BBQs and Baby Shower planning, I imagine there are and will be more stories floating around...

Let’s all enjoy the insanity, laugh about the cluelessness, and offer commiseration for the stress of dealing with family (or almost family).

chopchop25

My mom has been awesome. Her only insanity was brief, though I know it will come back. She was saying that early Nov we could totally pick her up from the airport at 11pm (it's 40 min from our house.) No. H and I are going to be tired with new baby and I am not putting either of us on the road at that hour, nor have you noisily stumble in with all of your luggage at that hour (and that was once she said 'worst case I can uber,' because apparently that alone would be a headache.)
She basically said that her being tired from having to wake up for an early flight was more of an inconvenience than us getting her at that hour. B please. Glad I stood my ground and she was pleasant as a peach about it the next day, but I know I'll hear it in Nov and that will be an early start to the tiffs between us.

Honestly, as far as in-laws go, I feel lucky. We haven't talked to them in YEARS - H tried to make peace with his mom many times but she just kept being awful and so he cut the cord. It's still sad sometimes, but not having to deal with ANY drama, holiday splitting, or anything else has been a blessing. The drama is way too long for here, but basically she always told H what to do and if he didn't follow suit it was a total guilt trip. When we got together and moved, they berated him about how he was supposed to stay home and take care of mom and be the good one. Is this the freaking 1800s???? His sisters are also just as bad, which was always surprising since the mom was awful to them, too.

On a bonus side, my brother married into a WONDERFUL family. We adore them and it's been great to extend our family that way.

Also, living 3000 miles from all family is kind of wonderful. I miss them but it's so nice that FaceTime has an 'off' button...

Sorry, that was long!


edit: Ah, yes, my father. I legit forgot about posting about him, is that bad? Found out on my own he was cheating on my mom in HS, and haven't seen him since college graduation...where he didn't tell me he was coming and then gave me shit for not seeing him (it was in MA, he lives in NJ.) That was the last of MANY straws. No regrets and I honestly hope he's happy with his life now.

cjx95

@chopchop25 I'm glad DH was finally able to cut that cord. There have been so many times I wish DH would do the same because of what his parents have done and said but they always manage to get their way back in. I told DH that now that were having a baby (babies) I won't be putting up with their antics. The next rude comment or blaming someone else or crossing the line will be the last.

sliztee

@mamabearcj BABIES! Also, yes to your comment. My husband and I have worked tirelessly at setting boundaries and limitations with the MIL over the last several years, and I am SO thankful for it now that we're having a baby. Makes it all easier.

Laumb11

Oh boy my MIL is a peach. I can't even begin with her. Previous advice when DS was little was I shouldn't be "feeding him food b/c he can not handle it, there is nothing wrong with purees". Which there isn't but we were doing BLW at 6m. She also never gave packaged items or anything organic to her son. I sent her a pic of DS at 3m with a pacifier and she asked why he had "that thing in his mouth" and isn't it bad for them? This pregnancy so far I shouldn't continue to run b/c it's not good and she always seems to say it doesn't come from just her. I didn't have to be "hero" and have an unmedicated birth. 

They left before lunch at our engagement party, left our wedding before we cut the cake. Came this wknd and left at 8:15am, got here at 5pm Sat, didnt eat breakfast, didn't say goodbye to me b/c I was at the gym. 
She's just super selfish. 

chopchop25

@mamabearcj It was crazy in that our pre-marital counseling actually helped him do this. Our pastor was amazing and gave us one line that will stick with me FOREVER, which was that 'when we get married we define our household, and what our household will tolerate and what energy we will allow inside it.' I've never let that go and it's made me such a mama bear/protector of our space and helps me breathe deeply and easily.

sliztee

YES, @chopchop25!

cjx95

@chopchop25 I love That! I'll have to pass that on to him and hope that the in laws stay cordial for awhile! 

sliztee

We have also reiterated to one another over the years that we are each other's family and that comes first. My sweet husband is so conditioned into being the protector, mediator, and caretaker in his family that he needs reminders from time to time that isn't his role to uphold anymore.

ETA: It wasn't fair for him to be put in that position in the first place.

nasalot188

I honestly cant complain too much my family and in laws are pretty great.

The crazy comes from our Grandmothers. Mine just has an opinion about absolutely everything and isn't shy to share it. My sister had a colic daughter and she would say over and over, what is wrong with that baby?! She never stops crying!! She also insists we need to spank our children even though my sister and I have no plans to do so. 

The other Grandmother never leaves the house and is totally racist. My SIL, white, married a black man and had a baby out of wedlock...she has endless opinions about that. She didnt attend our wedding because she thinks shes 'too ugly'. 

There is so much more with these ladies but I'll save some gems for later Lol!

chopchop25

nasalot188 said:

She didnt attend our wedding because she thinks shes 'too ugly'. 

What? Super head tilt.

And, ah, yes, older generation racism (NOT saying everyone is this way, but the perception by some that certain comments are still acceptable because they were 'in their day' does not fly in my book.) I really can't put up with it much more.

nugget2ehf

Oh man... family. This will probably end up getting split into multiple posts, because there would be so much more to talk about. For now, I'll summarize:

-My parents divorced 12 years ago, still bitch about each other and can barely be in the same place and complain relentlessly and rudely if they do. 

-One of my grandmothers is very controlling and manipulative, which has also spread to my dad and my aunt. My grandma acts like the *family name*'s are much better than anyone else (even in small town OK). Definitely uses money to control people too. Pretty sure I got out of most of this since I got married and am no longer a *family name*, and also moved 600 miles away so I can't be controlled. But my poor brother and sister-in-law have to deal with this. My grandma drives by their house multiple times a day to snoop. And now that they want to move more than a block away from the fam, everyone is throwing a hissy fit and not speaking to each other. Lordy, they just want to move across town (15 minutes) to a bigger house! Thank God I got out of the middle of all that.

-My in-laws are Egyptian, so WHOLE different side of the spectrum than my Oklahoma ass. Constant fighting and arguing, which is apparently just normal conversation for them. Makes me super anxious around them. They don't mind being up in your business and telling you what they think either. They also live across the country so it's not awful, but wondering how it'll go once they get their first grand kid and want to retire. Also, my husbands sister is a real peach. They don't get a long at all for many reasons and barely talk. It's fun.

chopchop25

@hannah8516 that is A LOT to deal with...

nasalot188

@chopchop25 right?! Like you are 85, u aren't ugly you are an elderly woman and shouldn't continue to miss important events because of these ridiculous thoughts. She hasnt attended any of the grandkids weddings so i cant say I'm personally hurt but still...enjoy retirement and your grandkids lady!

jynjer4

@hannaht8516  Sounds like grandma could use a good pair of binoculars for Christmas. Sorry...I know it’s not funny 

missmaehurt

My SM told me to just “get fixed while they were in there anyway” the other day. This is our second child and I’m trying for a VBAC, pretty sure that’s not how that works. *eyeroll*

jennybean80

My MIL has bipolar and refuses medication, so she’s a real treat. Thankfully she lives a 12
hour drive away, so we only see her a couple of times a year. 
She’s also a recovering alcoholic, and when she used to drink she acted more like a paranoid schizophrenic. 

sliztee

+1 for recovering (but how do I know for real) alcoholic MIL. The BPD is so emotionally taxing, I often forget how bad she can REALLY be with a side of alcohol. Shew!

cdepperschmidt

I love my mom, I really do.

Several times over the past year, including before I got pregnant my mother has told me she had a dream about two boys playing in her house. So we told her it was a girl, she said, well they could be wrong. Then when we were discussing names, she said it again! 

+1 for racist in-laws for DH entire family. 

cjx95

+1 to an alcoholic MIL... she's supposedly drinking less but I don't think I'll ever believe that..

coffee-saur

My dad's second wife was a 'recovering alcoholic' who still drank... A lot... We avoided them most of the time because of the drinking and she was seriously not a nice person, and my dad wasn't a nice person when they were together. 

One Christmas, we got together at a restaurant for a holiday meal and gift exchange. They gave me and H (there was a separate gift for the kids) a gift bag with 5-6 little beanie babies... All wrapped in aluminum foil, like out of the kitchen stuff, I'd never heard of that one before, And a bin of popcorn. They gave my sister and her H, 5-6 beanie babies wrapped in aluminum foil and an obviously used ice cream scoop. We got a good laugh out of it!

sammierose464

chopchop25 said:

@mamabearcj It was crazy in that our pre-marital counseling actually helped him do this. Our pastor was amazing and gave us one line that will stick with me FOREVER, which was that 'when we get married we define our household, and what our household will tolerate and what energy we will allow inside it.' I've never let that go and it's made me such a mama bear/protector of our space and helps me breathe deeply and easily.

I love that.

sammierose464

I got pretty darn lucky in the parents and in-laws department.

My mom may be blunt and hard on me, but she's practically my best friend. Growing up I always said we were like Gilmore Girls (although not THAT close). She's there to tell me the hard to hear - even when it sucks. She's also done this kid thing 4 times, so I'm leaning on her a lot. My step dad is pretty hands off, but he and I get along well. We just CANNOT talk politics. He's a hardcore Republican (he's also active air force) and I'm much more social democratic. If we avoid that, we get along pretty well.

My in-laws are great. My FIL is also republican, so he and my dad get along well. He's got a very dry sense of humor, but he's also one of those "if I tease you I like you" types. My MIL and SIL are very quiet, so it's taken time to really get to know them. However, they're really great people. Coming in as the 2nd wife after a marriage that was 12 years (which a relationship before) is really hard. I was always worried what they thought of me. However, they have made it clear they like me MUCH more than ex-wife and can see how great of a mom I am.

lolo_0924

Overall I really love my MIL - but the one thing about her that drives me nuts is her role as “Grandma” ... she has two step children + my husband... my husband’s step brother has 3 little ones & step sister has 2 little ones and my MIL constantly complains that the children don’t know her and she’s not “Grandma” to them but she’s never offered to watch any of them, shows up for Birthdays or Christmas only for an hour & is gone... so what do you expect to happen?

I’m hoping with our first little one she’s more involved but I’m expecting the same complaints... I already asked if she’d be willing to watch the baby 2 times a month (she has every other Friday off work) and she said no.

I guess my parents are just so different... they’re already talking about having a crib at their house and a car seat & want to watch ours at least once a week and they constantly ask how baby and I are doing and what they can do to help. 

nugget2ehf

@chopchop25 thinking about having them all here when babe is born already gives me anxiety....

@jynjer91 my mom (different side as above grandma and never got along) wanted to have the baby shower at her house, and I said "but do you really want Nana knowing where you live? She'll start doing drive-by's again." She said "good point". She's a real delight.

DunkinDecaf

I adore my ILs. We occasionally have grumpy moments, but generally speaking everything is good. The only truly crazy one is H’s grandmother and she lives 3000 miles away, and usually reserves her ire for my MIL so I don’t catch too much of it.

hellopartyof5

@lolo_0924 honestly if I only had 2 fridays off a month I wouldn't volunteer to watch my grandkids either. (Even if I had weekends too) The only time I would totally do that is if I didn't work. 

lolo_0924

@hellopartyof5 (she does get weekends as well) & I do see it both ways... I like my days off too. But I just thought since she complains the other little ones don’t “know her” I would offer a way for her to spend time with ours a couple times a month that’s all... and I’m just from a different kind of family, I grew up spending a lot  time with my grandparents. I’ll just have to get used to a different dynamic I guess... 

krzyriver

sliztee said:

We have also reiterated to one another over the years that we are each other's family and that comes first. My sweet husband is so conditioned into being the protector, mediator, and caretaker in his family that he needs reminders from time to time that isn't his role to uphold anymore.

ETA: It wasn't fair for him to be put in that position in the first place.

My H is the same way! It wasn't until his mother got sick (and passed) that he finally learned to put his foot down with his family and make them understand that the kids and I were his first priority now. They still don't get it though. His sister (who's 10 years older than him) hates him because he won't help her out financially. We've got 2 (soon to be 3) kids and we live paycheck to paycheck. You're almost 50 sweetheart. Figure it out.

ummibtihaj

My in laws are great which makes it suck so bad that they're half a world away. We only see them once every couple of years.

It's my family that's the royal pain. Not many people have accepted my husband because of his cultural background. Some of them have gone so far as to make toxic comments about us and our lifestyle to the point that they have been banned from our life for years. My mom and I have a love hate relationship. She's bipolar and not medicated plus she is passive aggressive which is extra annoying. She doesn't take an active role in our kids lives which suits us fine. We haven't even bothered to tell her we're expecting yet, and I haven't seen her lately so she wouldn't have noticed my very obvious bump. She will not be happy for us because she already thinks we have "too many kids", so I guess she'll just have to come around and notice by herself. 

sammierose464

@ummibtihaj that's really unfortunate your family feels the need to be so negative about your relationship and family. That makes it really tough.

@lolo_0924 my family was the same. Granted, my mom was 17 when she had me. My grandparents are like second parents to me. My grandpa was my father figure. If my grandma wasn't 75, she'd probably help watch this one. She watched my siblings and my aunt's twins a ton as they grew up. My grandpa helped a lot too before he passed away. Now I think it would be too hard for her to watch a infant. 

My mom is a teacher with Summers off. I'm hoping she will want to watch this baby at least one day a week in the summers.

ummibtihaj

Thanks @sammierose464 it was tough at first, but we'll be married 10 years this summer so we've learned to roll with it and depend on ourselves and a few dear friends. We learned the hard way that family isn't always the one you're born into.

shortstack930

My in-laws love to stop speaking to us for dumb reasons. They stopped speaking to us for three months when I was pregnant with DD because I told my aunt I was pregnant before we told DH’s aunt and apparently that made me disrespectful (I was only 5-6 week pregnant at the time). They stopped speaking to us after DD’s second birthday party because DH sat at my family’s table instead of theirs. Now this time they have stopped speaking to us because after every single time my MIL FaceTimed, she had to make a comment about how I was gaining weight from the pregnancy (I was still early first trimester and hadn’t gained anything) so DH finally politely asked her not to make those comments, which apparently offended her so they’re not talking to us. Personally, I love it when they don’t talk to us because I can’t stand them anyway, but I feel bad for DH and for DD because she doesn’t understand why they suddenly stop calling. DH has finally had it with them and he blocked all of their numbers and social media accounts and I’ve done the same. I think cutting them off is the best thing because trying to have a relationship with them is not worth it. Thankfully they live about 12 hours away. 

My parents, however, are amazing and love DH like a son. They live three blocks away and help us out so much. And nothing in the world would ever make them stop talking to me. 

HoosOnFirst

Ugggghh @shortstack930 they sound terrible. My mom can have a slight version of that, but since she became a Grandma she has gotten more chill. I think because she doesn’t want to not see her grandkids. When I was pregnant the first time she was VERY pissed when I told her I didn’t want her in the delivery room. That took her a few weeks to get over.

chopchop25

@shortstack930 MIL/in laws sound like a real peach. Hopefully she can keep up the silent treatment for awhile

sliztee

@shortstack930 sounds like a very familiar story with my husband’s family! I wish you the best of luck and support your decision to cut ties, especially for your husband. It’s definitely not an easy thing to do. 

cjx95

@shortstack930 so sorry for your DD, we've listened to DHs parents go through it with his older brother and his kids too. They haven't even met their grandson yet and has over a month old! They've done it to us too, I'm glad your husband has finally made the decision to continue without them even though it's a hard one!! At least you have your family

spartan4life

@shortstack930 Sorry you have to go through that. It does suck because the person they are hurting the most is your DD. But it sounds like it’s for the best, at least until they can change their attitudes. I would 100% support DH’s decision to cut ties if his parents ever acted like that. They’ve come close, but then usually end up acting like nothing happened a few weeks later. Thankfully you all still have your parents and they are supportive!! 

shortstack930

Thanks, all! I am so glad DH came to that decision on his own. 

@mamabearcj @spartan4life surprisingly DD hasn’t even mentioned them since they stopped talking to us so I’m relieved it hasn’t seemed to affect her much. 

shortstack930

@HoosOnFirst that makes sense that she wouldn’t want to risk not seeing her grandkids! You’d think my MIL would realize that but apparently not...

chyvie

I have been trying to figure out if I should post about my whole life family crazy story on here because it is very dramatic and I have totally moved past it! I am now a strong and happy person and dwelling on the past is not healthy. In the interest of you ladies getting to know me I will give you the "short" story (even though it looks long it really is condensed) and if you have any questions you can ask!

My parents were roommates who hooked up and had me. My mother just got divorced and needed a place to crash and through a mutual friend found out my dad had a room. It didn't work out because my mother was into drugs and partying. My mom had two kids before me she abandoned in the divorce. I was taken away from her by child services when I was 18 months old because I left alone with her BFs 8 month old child for a night while they went partying. My dad got full custody of me and I rarely saw my mother. When I did see her I remember her doing heroin and now have a fear of needles. I remember her BF's were awful - one shot my guinea pig in front of me because he didn't like the noises it was making. After about two years my dad stopped making the effort to allow my mom visitation. She stopped making the effort as well and I didn't see her again until I was 11 - after my grandparents (her parents) helped me find her. 

My grandparents lived in Ireland and treated me like their daughter. I would spend my summers with them and it is the happiest memories I have of my childhood. My mother barely spoke with them and only used them for money. Example - she told them she went to collage and never did and used the money. They came to see her graduate as a surprise and waited the entire graduation to hear her name called and it never was. She is a real peach!

When I found her at 11 I called her house and asked for her and someone answered and said sure she is at work can I take a message. I then explained that it was her daughter calling and the guy (my step-dad) on the other end said sorry but I'm not sure what you mean - she only has one daughter and she is 4 years old (she also later had another daughter with this new husband). So I then learned years later than my mother never told her new husband or his very religious family that she had three previous kids. When I came into the picture she told her husband about her other kids but it wasn't until they were divorced 16 years later than my step-dad's parents found out about my two older siblings! When my older siblings came to find my mom they were told they were cousins because they both had red hair and didn't look like us all. 

So from the time I was 10, I was having a hard time living with my dad as he had two more kids and things weren't going well in his marriage and he took it out on us a lot. My dad starting getting controlling and abusive (slight hits and pushes and threats but nothing serious where I'd be left with a bruise or injury). This is mainly why my grandparents tried to find my mother again to see what she was up to. She was married and seemed stable so my grandparents helped me make the transition to move in with her. Unfortunately my grandparents are quite old and lived in Ireland so I couldn't move there without my parents permission. My dad agreed I could try living with my mom. I moved to my moms when I was 13 and it didn't last very long because my mother was still very immature and couldn't financially support me so asked me to pay rent at 16 when I got a job.  So I moved out on my own at 16 with my grandparents financial support. My grandparents thought I was mature enough and my living environments were not healthy in either cases so I would be best to live on my own. 

I then finished school and went to college and met DH at 22 and the rest is history. I always tried to keep a relationship with both my parents but it was difficult because it was so emotionally draining and dramatic. I kept things civil and saw them on holidays etc. But when my Nana passed away my mom and I got in a big fight because she stole her ring I was supposed to get. It wasn't the object but the memory I wanted to treasure. Unfortunately during all this my relationships with my siblings (who are 13 years and 8 years younger than I) were affected and we never were close. When I got married three years after the fight I tried to reconcile with my mom and invited my siblings to be part of the wedding. It brought us closer and we started up family holidays again. Then when my Grandpa passed and wills got involved and I found out she got herself back on the will (she was removed the last time I saw it) and blew all her money on drugs and material nonsense I lost it again. Again it wasn't the money I cared about it was the memory and principal of her using my grandparents. My two sisters had finally seen her for who she really was when she got divorced again and got back into the drugs and doing illegal things to get money for drugs, so they came to me and we as a group disowned her. We have not spoken to her in 3 years and it feels so good! 

My dad has been the type of guy who can't figure out what he wants to do for a living and is always bouncing around from one job to the next and one scheme to the next. Currently he in in the medical weed business but it is still illegal here and when he told me 5 years ago that he wanted to get into I told him it was a risk and I didn't want to be any part of it or know about it. He then decided to ask me a month before my wedding to be on his lease deed as a guarantor and I declined. He then used my wedding as a networking event (because a lot of my husband's commercial real estate coworkers were there) I lost it on him and told him he embarrassed me and my husband and he was not to contact anyone of them.  When his dispensary got raided when my at the time 19 year old brother was there trying to talk to him about our sick grandmother, they both got thrown in jail and called me to bail them out! I helped my brother by calling his mom but I was leaving on a 3 months trip and sure as hell wasn't going to be my fathers surety anyways. Then we found out he put me and my brothers on the board of directors of his new business without any of us knowing. So I was almost impacted by his stupidity. My poor brother now has a criminal charge against him because he was standing behind the counter so they thought he was working at the time. Long story short is I don't talk to either my dad or my mom.

Luckily I have an AMAZING husband and mother in law who treats me like a daughter. We have a very small family just the three of us, but I'm excited to make my own family with this little boy we are having! I have an amazing life now and have done things that most people with my childhood don't get to do - like travel the world. Most people who have been dealt the life I had have a higher potential to go down a dark route and become drug users or depressed or have similar lives like their parents but I broke the cycle! I'm healthy, educated, financially set and have a happy full life. I am very grateful for my ethics and mature responsibility learned from my time spent with my grandparents and I miss them dearly and I know they would be so proud of me. 

Thanks for reading all that - and if you have any questions I'd be more than happy to answer them.