@cseley321 I mean absolutely no offense to you by this, but emotionally, I just would not be able to handle that arrangement. It sounds like you are working so hard on all fronts, and his responsibilities begin at 10 and stop at 5. I think the resentment would get to me. Your post definitely made me more appreciative of all my husband does, even if he won't get out of bed to help me in the morning. I definitely agree about laying out expectations from the beginning, it can be so hard to change once we're set in our ways.
@zande2016 yeah, I made my bed and now I'm laying in it. Thankfully we get along really well (been together since 2001, married 8 years), and we don't really fight much. The bottom line is he is lazy AF. He complains of joint pain, stomach problems, all that jazz, there is always some reason he can't help. I have cried about it a lot and been at my wit's end, but honestly at the end of the day I just consider it like another job and that's helped me cope with it. I just wish sometimes I could go back and talk to that younger version of myself and lay down some ground rules before he got so set in his ways.
@cseley321 Wow, I don't know how you do all that. Like @zande2016 said, I couldn't handle that emotionally either. Is it possible that the new babe will give you a chance to set some new ground rules that would even out the responsibilities a little more? You know your relationship best, but it seems to me like it might be a good time to ask him to step up a little more. If he can't help with some of the physical things around the house because of joint pain, perhaps he can at least assist with paying the bills or something?
@noideawhatshesdoing we have already discussed that he will be taking on additional responsibilities with my oldest when the newborn is here. My plan is to present him with a list of things I expect from him and try my damnest to get him to stick to it.
And as far as bills, I gladly handle those because he simply will not pay them, lol. We used to have everything separate until I found out he just wasn't paying things. He recently got one credit card that he is solely responsible for. He has only been late once or twice in a year, but it's progress, right?!
@cseley321 I'm with you on the paying of bills...if I put that responsibility to my husband, we'd for sure be in collections and have our electricity/gas/phones cut off lol.
@cseley321 omg your such a trooper for doing all that! Dh always has to ask why i don’t cook or brings up things like yard work and trash but i ignore him. Sure we can trade and maybe I’ll get more time in the couch like he does most days. It literally turns into a pissing contest I’m house and i hate it. He knows what he can do to help. There is no shortage of reminders or messaging. I’m definitely setting expectations so i don’t build the resentment i did last time.
@cseley321 you’re a freaking saint! I hope hope hope he holds his end of the deal up for your sake.
+1 for a DH incapable of paying bills on time. When we met he had awful credit and I spent a solid year helping him pay off old debts that kept coming out of the woodwork. His credit is just now making a comeback.
I do most of the cleaning, and childcare. DH won’t lift a finger until he’s literally wading through trash or I specifically ask him to do something. Seeing how his parents keep their house (think Hoarders lite), I’m thinking some of it is just what he’s used to but I couldn’t live like that... Or it could very well be sheer laziness. I’ll give him credit that he does watch DS when he’s home and gives me a break. He’ll do bath time and change most diapers before DS was potty trained, and he generally really enjoys being a dad and wishes he could be home more. That being said when he is home he’s a slob and it’s somehow 10x more work for me to clean. I’m grateful I can be a SAHM even though it’s not 100% by choice, and I don’t mind doing the bulk of the work at all but it would be nice to not have to ask for help when I’m clearly behind on housework or have to nag him to do his whopping two tasks (cat boxes and sometimes garbage).
@cseley321 I can commiserate with you. Your life sounds similar to my life. My H isn’t lazy though, he’s the opposite. He’s ALWAYS working. He helps some getting DS on the bus in the morning but once he leaves for work around 7:45 he’s gone until 7:30 at the earliest, usually around 9-10pm. At which point we’re both exhausted and he eats dinner I made hours before and then we both go to bed. I try to be really cool about his working because he’s the only one that works and he’s doing his best to make sure we have lots of things we want on top of everything we need. Some days are just really hard though and it’d be nice to have more help- any help.
Ive had an emotionally draining couple weeks and I’m seriously struggling with the idea of having to wrangle 3 kids all by myself most of the time.
OMG, I need to give DH a medal... He's so on top of his shit on every level. @SmashJam I don't know how youre not pissed at YH for ignoring the water leak in the bathroom/basement. Is your husband not handy? Diagnosing, shutting off water supplies, drying stuff up, calling for help if needed... Those aren't hard things to do. Why do you have to be the only adult?
Afm, I have a couple wtfs. 1. I am literally appalled at so many husbands in this bmb. I'm so sorry.
2. A graduate advisee of mine made a big stink a few months ago about how we screwed up and didn't enroll her in some credits last summer, so we rushed to try to fix the problem and she STILL hasn't done the one step SHE needs to do so we can finish the retroactive enrollment. I'm mad because she is going to pretend like she didn't see my (50th) email explaining her one job and at the end of the semester when she cant graduate, she's going to blame us. I will not be giving any fucks.
3. The winter just will not end. I want to send the kids outside!!
4. Our furnace and heat pump are being replaced tomorrow. That means no heat all day while they do the install... And we're draining our entire e-fund to pay for it. Boo! Pretty sure I just said to someone on here not to drain savings for daycare because the furnace always breaks...
@hillbillywife yeah that was one of my coping mechanisms. Some people don't get any help at all due to their husband's rough schedules, being deployed, or just not being around at all (and not paying child support if separated), and some people do not have the opportunities I have to be able to stay at home with the kid(s).
As I said before, our relationship is otherwise pretty strong, and I'm generally a happy person, so I just keep trying to look at the bright side. The whole infant/toddler thing is just a short phase and a drop in the bucket. These years are going to suck for me, but things will ease up in just a few years and I will probably actually start to miss it. Yes, there will be new challenges as they get older, but I have noticed that as my daughter is getting older and better at communicating, my husband is getting more and more involved with her, so I think things will get much better down the line.
@wildtot@zombiehoohaa my husband doesn't have to poop when I ask him to do things but his morning routine(which includes the worlds longest poo) takes him an hour, and he gets so worked up when I am like, dude, we are leaving in an hour you haven't done your routine. He's always like, "UGH IM NOT IN THERE AN HOUR!" To make matters worse, he tells OTHER people I take forever to get ready...if you saw me on a regular basis you would be like...what does she do for that hour? Its maddening that my 15 minute shower is the subject of such ire and his hour long routine is "not that long."
@flockofmoosen3 he is aspiringly handy, but not handy enough to know how to turn off the water in that area. He totally could have mopped up the water though, and probably told me initially hoping I would come down and do it (which I did). I am of the "I think we can do this ourselves" camp and he is of the, "I think we should call someone" camp. He definitely fits squarely in the center of "always working so does nothing" and "walks by poop and does nothing because he doesn't care" I think he half just thought it wasn't that big of a deal and didn't want to deal with it and half didn't want to tell me the extent so I wouldn't freak out.
It's been interesting reading everyone's situations with your husbands. I'm definitely not one to judge and if it works for you and your family, then all the best to you. Every relationship and family dynamic is different. For us, I have been a no BS, everything 50/50, from day one of meeting my H. I think it was because I was not in a place where I was looking for a relationship and it just kind of happened for us. He works his butt off at work (up at 6am, out the door by 8am, home by 5pm, eat dinner/family time, work from 7pm - 11pm or later), but he also understands that he has responsibilities at home, as do I! I'm a SAHM/WFHM, so I'm doing all the house work, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and working two part-time jobs, but we know that when we are both home, we are both on baby duty. We trade off weekend mornings to sleep in and split MOTN wake ups. We've just found where we can make compromises for each other. I loathe taking out the trash, so H does that. He can't stand doing laundry and I don't mind it, so I take that chore. I think I also just got lucky by meeting and marrying an amazing man.
I must have really driven the point home to my husband about how pissed off I was, because he got up without me telling him to this morning, got our son up, and helped me get ready for work. He kept asking, "anything else you need me to help you with?" We'll see how long this lasts lol.
@kenya715 we are similar to you (except we both work full time outside the home) in that, when we're both home, baby duty is split 50/50. We each have things we do, like he is in charge of the trash and laundry, I am in charge of general cleaning and shopping, but I do feel we are very evenly split. It's just this morning routine we struggle with, and also his complete lack of communication abilities (and apparent inability to put gas in a car).
I am also trying to be understanding that he just started this job and is jumping in feet first trying to really impress them, but that doesn't mean my job is suddenly less important and I should be forced to arrive late/leave early to accommodate him. This will be an adjustment period for sure.
@Kenya715 I don’t think it’s fair to say that the reason why you have 50/50 shared responsibility is because you “lucked out” and married an “amazing man.” I think the majority of us are married to great people. I’m glad that you have such a good system worked out with your H but my crappy system isn’t because my H isn’t amazing. That’s just what happens when you’re trying to survive life sometimes.
@hillbillywife I agree with that, and I also don't necessarily think that a man who watches his kids and shares household responsibilities is automatically an amazing man and a woman is lucky to have him (he very well may be amazing, but the simple fact that he helps raise his child does not make him amazing). This just reinforces gender stereotypes and holds men to a low expectation/standard in my opinion. Like, if a man helps with his children and helps around the house, he is automatically amazing, but a woman who does those same things is just...a woman. Or a mom. I don't specifically mean this about anyone in particular who has posted in here, your comment above just reminded me of this opinion in a general sense. Example: I always have to laugh, when I take my son grocery shopping, literally no one bats an eye or says anything to me. Every single time my husband takes our son grocery shopping, or to do any errands just the two of them, without fail he gets a million comments from people and all this positive attention. Such a double standard.
I apologize if I came off sounding that way @hillbillywife, it absolutely wasn't my intention. It was two parts of one comment, not meant as the reason why this works for us. I have no doubt that all of the women here have married amazing people or feel they lucked out in their own way. Sorry for not being clear with my comment.
My DH does a lot (usually). It's just the "me coming home and him lounging" that grinds my gears. I said something, but sure enough he was napping when I got home (although he worked early and we were going out to eat yesterday so I gave him a pass).
Also, for anyone that needs this tip, before you ask your DH to do something, ask if he has to poop. When he says no, then ask him to do whatever you wanted him to do. Then he can't say "But I have to poop". Works every time.
@zande2016 and @hillbillywife +1 to gender stereotypes and changing diapers doesn't make you automatically amazing - although my grandmother feels it does. Even before kids, my MIL used to only give ME crap about the house not being clean enough and I would say "your son is a grown adult and lives here too". She's also made it clear she expects me to manage the whole house on top of my office job and take care of DH and kids.
cseley321 that a big part of this is how we were or weren't raised - my MIL was a SAHM and a cleaning fanatic and wouldn't let her kids do anything for themselves. In 10 years together he's gotten a lot more self-sufficient as an adult, but we have often had spats about how he would be dead without me because he doesn't cook, he doesn't do the taxes, he doesn't know where anything is in the house, etc. He has owned this and wholeheartedly admits he'd be lost without me and has been working at it, but that has taken many years of conversations. I also did the whole "i'll just do it myself" thing after DD was born, I felt I couldn't rely on DH to get it done, it needed to get done so I'd just do it, but I couldn't make that work. My health drastically declined, I was having multiple panic attacks a week, I felt like a zombie and I could feel my affection for my husband dying. I was literally killing myself trying to be super woman and had to say enough was enough. He's been a lot better since that epiphany in the fall, but he's still oblivious to what NEEDS to be done unless asked/given direction. Making lists in communal places helps. Also maybe he set up a nanny cam or something because after my rant yesterday, he told me to go sit down and made dinner himself because I wasn't looking good!
@gingerbride26 the whole MIL doing everything thing is exactly what I dealt with-except more like she was a superwoman teenage bride martyr who did everything on her own without her parents because she wanted to be self sufficient, then she had a man who was a worthless ass and did everything herself, and once she got rid of him, started businesses, got a great job, bought a house and raised to kids without anyone else's help, she just did what she had to do. My husband, in most cases, honestly believes that I am fully capable of getting everything done on my own because in his experience, women are strong and he just thinks since I don't say anything I'm good, he knows I am a strong person. I think this is why me saying, "I cannot do it and I NEED HELP" went a lot further than, "You should be doing this because I do too much" because he just didn't recognize how much I was really doing until I said something.
Re: WTF Wednesday
And as far as bills, I gladly handle those because he simply will not pay them, lol. We used to have everything separate until I found out he just wasn't paying things. He recently got one credit card that he is solely responsible for. He has only been late once or twice in a year, but it's progress, right?!
+1 for a DH incapable of paying bills on time. When we met he had awful credit and I spent a solid year helping him pay off old debts that kept coming out of the woodwork. His credit is just now making a comeback.
I do most of the cleaning, and childcare. DH won’t lift a finger until he’s literally wading through trash or I specifically ask him to do something. Seeing how his parents keep their house (think Hoarders lite), I’m thinking some of it is just what he’s used to but I couldn’t live like that... Or it could very well be sheer laziness.
I’ll give him credit that he does watch DS when he’s home and gives me a break. He’ll do bath time and change most diapers before DS was potty trained, and he generally really enjoys being a dad and wishes he could be home more. That being said when he is home he’s a slob and it’s somehow 10x more work for me to clean. I’m grateful I can be a SAHM even though it’s not 100% by choice, and I don’t mind doing the bulk of the work at all but it would be nice to not have to ask for help when I’m clearly behind on housework or have to nag him to do his whopping two tasks (cat boxes and sometimes garbage).
Ive had an emotionally draining couple weeks and I’m seriously struggling with the idea of having to wrangle 3 kids all by myself most of the time.
Afm, I have a couple wtfs.
1. I am literally appalled at so many husbands in this bmb. I'm so sorry.
2. A graduate advisee of mine made a big stink a few months ago about how we screwed up and didn't enroll her in some credits last summer, so we rushed to try to fix the problem and she STILL hasn't done the one step SHE needs to do so we can finish the retroactive enrollment. I'm mad because she is going to pretend like she didn't see my (50th) email explaining her one job and at the end of the semester when she cant graduate, she's going to blame us. I will not be giving any fucks.
3. The winter just will not end. I want to send the kids outside!!
4. Our furnace and heat pump are being replaced tomorrow. That means no heat all day while they do the install... And we're draining our entire e-fund to pay for it. Boo! Pretty sure I just said to someone on here not to drain savings for daycare because the furnace always breaks...
As I said before, our relationship is otherwise pretty strong, and I'm generally a happy person, so I just keep trying to look at the bright side. The whole infant/toddler thing is just a short phase and a drop in the bucket. These years are going to suck for me, but things will ease up in just a few years and I will probably actually start to miss it. Yes, there will be new challenges as they get older, but I have noticed that as my daughter is getting older and better at communicating, my husband is getting more and more involved with her, so I think things will get much better down the line.
@flockofmoosen3 he is aspiringly handy, but not handy enough to know how to turn off the water in that area. He totally could have mopped up the water though, and probably told me initially hoping I would come down and do it (which I did). I am of the "I think we can do this ourselves" camp and he is of the, "I think we should call someone" camp. He definitely fits squarely in the center of "always working so does nothing" and "walks by poop and does nothing because he doesn't care" I think he half just thought it wasn't that big of a deal and didn't want to deal with it and half didn't want to tell me the extent so I wouldn't freak out.
Married: 6/27/2008
DS: 3/14/2010 Planned, PG first try
M/C 6/2012
DD: 4/22/2013 Planned, UnDx Infertility, PG on our own
BFP: 10/28/2016 Unplanned, HUGE SURPRISE!
M/C 12/12/2016
BFP: 10/27/2017 Unplanned, HUGE SURPRISE
EDD: 7/2/2018
@kenya715 we are similar to you (except we both work full time outside the home) in that, when we're both home, baby duty is split 50/50. We each have things we do, like he is in charge of the trash and laundry, I am in charge of general cleaning and shopping, but I do feel we are very evenly split. It's just this morning routine we struggle with, and also his complete lack of communication abilities (and apparent inability to put gas in a car).
I am also trying to be understanding that he just started this job and is jumping in feet first trying to really impress them, but that doesn't mean my job is suddenly less important and I should be forced to arrive late/leave early to accommodate him. This will be an adjustment period for sure.
Okay sorry I'll get off my soap box now!
Also, for anyone that needs this tip, before you ask your DH to do something, ask if he has to poop. When he says no, then ask him to do whatever you wanted him to do. Then he can't say "But I have to poop". Works every time.
cseley321 that a big part of this is how we were or weren't raised - my MIL was a SAHM and a cleaning fanatic and wouldn't let her kids do anything for themselves. In 10 years together he's gotten a lot more self-sufficient as an adult, but we have often had spats about how he would be dead without me because he doesn't cook, he doesn't do the taxes, he doesn't know where anything is in the house, etc. He has owned this and wholeheartedly admits he'd be lost without me and has been working at it, but that has taken many years of conversations. I also did the whole "i'll just do it myself" thing after DD was born, I felt I couldn't rely on DH to get it done, it needed to get done so I'd just do it, but I couldn't make that work. My health drastically declined, I was having multiple panic attacks a week, I felt like a zombie and I could feel my affection for my husband dying. I was literally killing myself trying to be super woman and had to say enough was enough. He's been a lot better since that epiphany in the fall, but he's still oblivious to what NEEDS to be done unless asked/given direction. Making lists in communal places helps. Also maybe he set up a nanny cam or something because after my rant yesterday, he told me to go sit down and made dinner himself because I wasn't looking good!
That's so me if huby is around and I think DD has a poopy diaper or the cat pukes. I'm out of there so quick lol.