Who in the delivery room?

knottie89b0b5ebf70054c3

I have been asked by my mom, sister, sister in law and  best friend who is welcome in the delivery room.  Some of it as a genuine offer but no pressure and some with pressure.


I feel most comfortable with my husband and maybe my best friend.  I don't know about the others.  I am fairly private but don't want to hurt any feelings.  I also don't want to offend anyone (specifically my mom) and at the last minute change my mind. At that point if I want them in the room but they are already hurt by the situation.

Anyone discussed this or thought about this yet?

comealongponds

Welcome!

You might want to change your screen name to something more identifiable since it’s quite hard to differentiate all the Knotties from one another. We have some pinned posts at the top of the board that would be a good place to start for you, along with introducing yourself so we can get to know you. 

As for who will be in the room, same as last time it will be just my husband. No one met our boys (twins) until the next day for a variety of reasons (preemies, ECS, NICU) but even if we had had an uneventful birth the plan had been for us to call family when we were ready for visitors. It’s a very personal decision but I didn’t want the pressure of family in the room (or the waiting room) wanting to see and hold the babies etc. I wanted the opportunity to bond as a family unit before we expanded to include the rest of the family. 

hayhay93

My mom will be the only person in the room with me. If my boyfriend makes it to California for the birth then he has the option of being in there too, but he has an anxious personality, so I hope he stays out lol. 

elizabethrn87

Just my husband. I am in the mind set that this is between me and my husband and it is a moment for the two of us to share. I made that very clear with my first. I also asked no in stand around in the waiting room but that didnt happen. Oh well.

ckmb_1250

My thoughts are, this is not the time to be worrying about anyone's feelings but your own. Do exactly what you want. Don't listen to anyone/anything but your own instincts. My husband will be with me, and no one else I know is even allowed in the hospital. 

hillbillywife

I agree with @ckmb_knottie. It’s your baby, you get to call the shots. 

I made it very clear to everyone that I only wanted my husband in the delivery room with me. And that’s what we’ve had. However I did feel well enough while laboring with my first (thank you epidural!) that I let my mom and mil hang out with me. 

WorkinWeezel

For my first it was just my husband and I.  For my second, my mom and MIL were in the room with me.  I'm hoping they will be in the room with me for this one, too.  It's an experience I want to share with them- especially because my mom and sister had C-Sections, and my SIL had C-Sections, so I'm their only opportunity at this point

chaser61

Just my husband and doula. I didn’t even tell anyone I was in labor. I think people forget that although it is exciting and something to celebrate, mom is recovering and is bonding with her baby. I tell friends and family that I will let them know when I feel up for visitors. In the end, they will want to see the baby and get over not getting what they want real fast. You just have to stand your ground. 

zande2016

I had my husband and mom. I'm not sure who would have held my other leg if my mom hadn't been there lol. I guess another nurse (the main nurse was basically delivering the baby until the OB showed up to catch him). I was very annoyed though because mine was an induction, so family knew it was happening ahead of time, and some relatives showed up in the waiting room. I wouldn't have known they were there, except they kept texting my husband and he was not discrete enough so I figured it out. Then I felt all this pressure to pop the baby out so they could meet him because it was getting late. So if you have really pushy and obnoxious family like I do, and you think they might show up and wait, maybe tell your husband to hide your phone from you and also stay off his own phone so you can be oblivious. 

wildtot

I had acc section but i didn’t allow visitors until the next day and they were timed (my parents didn’t like that) but i think it was best decision for us. It won’t be much of an issue this time since everyone lives out of state. 
Like all the ladies said it’s your decision and don’t let their feelings get in the way. They didn’t make the baby, they didn’t carry it, they aren’t paying for the hospital bill, they have no say. They hospital staff will also do a great job at keeping people out if they show up against your instructions. 

zande2016

wildtot said:

I had acc section but i didn’t allow visitors until the next day and they were timed (my parents didn’t like that) but i think it was best decision for us. It won’t be much of an issue this time since everyone lives out of state. 
Like all the ladies said it’s your decision and don’t let their feelings get in the way. They didn’t make the baby, they didn’t carry it, they aren’t paying for the hospital bill, they have no say. They hospital staff will also do a great job at keeping people out if they show up against your instructions. 

I wish my hospital had been better at this. I will never ever forget, the day after my son was born, my husband and I finally both got to nap because the baby was sleeping for once. I woke up to the sound of people outside my door, and I recognized some of the voices. The door was closed so I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but then my phone rang and it was my cousin saying she was outside my hospital room door. Literally,  the next thing I knew, about 15 family members came into my room. Uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, 2nd cousins who were young kids. I was horrified. I was SO angry. But I was too nice to kick them out or stop them. The kids kept wanting to hold the baby, and I was so nervous about all the germs. Also, my room was SMALL. It turned out my cousin, who was visiting from out of town, organized this whole outing. They waltzed right into the maternity ward, asked security for my room number, and walked right in. 

So I guess the moral of the story is, tell your nurses you don't want your room number being given out, and don't be a pushover like me. 

devilcat139

Will be having a c section-my husband will be there as will my MIL who is the sr attending OB at the hospital where I’m delivering. I want her to oversee and make sure there’s no one junior who doesn’t know what they’re doing in there, no equipment gets left in me, etc. 

wildtot

@zande2016 I’m sorry to hear that! I’d be super pissed if they did that to me. We personally didn’t tell anyone the date other than our parents, siblings, and two close friends who respect our boundaries. No one else knew till later and no one got the hospital information. We also made it clear no sick or recently sick visitors, no recent smoking or vaping, and our parents who help us at home had to get the tdap. Like i said they weren’t too happy but it’s my decision how i wanted it to be. 

gingerbride26

I barely wanted DH there, and honestly there were SO MANY medical people in the room any one other than DH would have been too much.  I was also an induction for my first and was worried about people camping out in the waiting room, we lucked out in that although we checked in at 10 pm for an expected noon induction, baby came on her own schedule at 6 am - so baby was already here before most family woke up.  Also I've still not gotten around to changing my last name yet 4+ years later (hey it's a LOT of paperwork) and somehow my MIL forgot this, so even when we told them they could come visit, she couldn't get past the ward door because she kept using my married name LOL.  This one will be tougher because MIL will be watching DD so no hiding when this baby arrives.

wildtot

@gingerbride26 i haven’t changed my name on some things in 3+ yrs lol

cseley321

Too many people would just get in the way imo. It was just my husband. I had a hard labor with my first... there was little to no breaks between contractions and my epidural failed and I labored about 23 hours like that before I was able to star pushing. If I would have had a working epidural or at least normal speed of contractions, I would have been ok with additional visitors from time to time up until the pushing phase... but imo if it's your first, you should probably limit your distractions.

This time it will be a scheduled csection, so I am just going to call people aftet she is born (my mom or sister will be babysitting my toddler at my house)

moguippy

I really only want DH in the room. I already told my best friend she could be there. She said she wants to be my "doula".  She has no training, she basically said "just someone who can be calm and advocate for you". But I am really second guessing that, bc she had a scheduled c-section and never actually went thru labor herself. (not saying she is less of a mom or her birth was any less special/difficult/etc, she is a great mom, just saying she has no labor experience that would be helpful). I am a super private person so I don't know if I want any one extra there. I know my mom is going to be pissed I tell her no, but she can deal with it. I also don't want people to wait in the waiting room, but I know they will.

wildtot

@moguippy i never labored either and i can honestly say i have no idea how to calm someone in labor lol. 
I think people also sometimes forget that it’s not always a matter of mins or hours of laboring. It can take over a day! The joy and excitement of a new baby kind makes us forget that part as outsiders sometimes.

julianne0

I loved having my sister and mom in the room along with DH, but looking back I do wish there had been more private time with just me, DH, and the baby right after she was born.
Does anyone think it would be weird if this time around we still allowed my mom in for the delivery but asked her to leave after for like an hour so that it can be more calm and we can focus on each doing skin to skin, etc. 
Writing it out it does sound kind of weird but maybe not if we talk ahead of time. My mom is super sensitive though so I have to be careful. For my first I felt like everyone was just standing waiting to hold her while I had her and I felt awkward lol. It’s also so chaotic and loud in the room with all of the medical staff- however I had the entire floor in the room because of an emergency that happened at the end so maybe it won’t be so chaotic this time around

WorkinWeezel

@julianne0 I don't think that's weird!  It's your time, you need to bond I'm sure your mom will understand.

@gingerbride26 that's hilarious about the name change!

@devilcat139 that's a nice perk!

My dad was literally asleep on the cot next to my bed as I labored with DD!  Haha so when my water broke my mom and mil held a sheet up around him while the nurse and DH helped me get to the bathroom and get cleaned up.

Clearly privacy isn't really a big deal to me haha
ETA- my dad left the room when it was time to deliver!

runsomewhere

I cannot imagine anyone but my husband in there. Labor is uncomfortable, personal and messy in my opinion. I would be so uncomfortable with anyone but DH seeing me in that position. No way. Family can visit once I feel up for it. 

chaser61

@julianne0 I don’t think that is weird at all. My hospital / birth center has something called the golden hour. Midwives, doulas, and all staff leave for an hour for mom, dad, and baby to bond. We did skin on skin and just took a moment to ourselves. The room went from bustling to quiet very quickly. It was great. Maybe present that to her as something new that all the moms are doing. It is only an hour...she could grab something to eat and call family for you. Even better, grab you something to eat that isn’t hospital food.

flockofmoosen3

My personal preference is to have my husband and one other support person to give him a break if needed. I will allow only select visitors the following day, but when I'm recovering and bonding with baby on the first day I don't want other people barging in and demanding to be included. It isn't their day.

For my first it was my husband and my MIL and they were both awesome. For my second it was just my husband and he was enough. For my third, it will be my husband and maybe my sister, who we are trying to plan to be in town for the big day if it works out that way. This will be my last baby and I would like her there with me for it. 

The thing is, you don't know how things will go down before or after, so if you're a private person then make sure you ask the hospital to keep people away (they're usually happy to be the bad guy). If you like the company, then do whatever your hospital will allow.

Kenya715

@julianne0 That's exactly what I had asked of my mom. She and my H were in the room during the time I was in labor and pushing, etc. She knew that once the baby was born, we wanted everyone out so H, baby, and I could bond together. I ended up with a c-section and my mom had gone to the hotel by that point (38 hours after we arrived at the hospital), so it worked out. 

This time it will just be my H since I'm getting a scheduled c-section. I'll have my son be the first one to visit and the four of us can have some time to bond as a new, bigger family. Then a day or two later, once we are rested, cleaned, and ready, other family members will be able to visit. It's such a personal decision and everyone is different, so if you want people there, have them. If you don't, don't. 

noideawhatshesdoing

For us it will just be me, DH, the doula, midwife and whatever other necessary medical folks.

DH and I have already told family we do not want them there. We want to be able to have this experience be ours without outside pressure or interference and we're only telling DH's parents when we go into labor because MIL is going to come watch our dogs and stay with them while we're at the hospital. So we'll meet DH's parents at our house when we get back from the hospital.

 Other than that, we told my mom and her husband we'd call them after baby arrives and we're ready for visitors and told my dad the same thing. Not sure what to do about the brother than lives in town yet, I'm bitchy when I'm tired and don't like his wife so I don't think I'll be up to being nice to her.    I don't want my grandparents visiting us at the hospital because I don't want to run the risk of either of them picking up any germs there and grandpa really shouldn't be driving anyways.

We want to be able to properly bond and hopefully get some rest as a family before adding other people to the mix. DH also didn't want to feel compelled to provide updates to people out in a waiting room.

acunamatada

Just my husband in the delivery room. I plan on laboring at home until I can’t anymore like I did with my first- I (accidentally) showed up at 9cm so things moved really quickly from there. After I got stitched up and was waiting for a postpartum room, my sister and mother came to the delivery room to take some cute pictures (DH is terrible with a camera).
We had some visitors both days, only immediate family and close friends, but no one stayed long and they all asked permission before coming. I personally wouldn’t make restrictions because I like some company, but my family was respectful enough the first time around not to be overbearing. But I realize I was lucky- if they had been too much I probably would have tasked DH with shooing them away and making restrictions with the nurses station. 

@gingerbride26 this makes me feel so much better about not legally changing my name yet! We got married in Sept and I have no desire to start all that paperwork! 

gingerbride26

@acunamatada my husband still gives me crap about it...I wanted to wait until closer to my passport expiring since I didn't want to pay for a new one halfway through, now every time I'm like ok I'll change it now, we go and book another flight and then I put it off again to not deal with TSA BS.  The hospital did let me write my married name on the birth certificate since I plan on (eventually) changing it.

zande2016

I'm another who has not legally changed their name yet...it's been over 2 years since we got married (closer to 2.5). My husband definitely gives me crap for it, but it is so much paperwork! Glad I'm not alone on that. 

noideawhatshesdoing

We've been married for 9 years and I only changed my name 3 years ago, and only because when we travel abroad I thought it would be less complicated if something happened to one of us and we needed to deal with hospitals or police or whatever. And maybe I'm the outlier here, but I still use my maiden name for work. Most of my client base of 13 years doesn't even know what my married name is, and I like it that way because then they can't find me on social media, etc.

gingerbride26

@noideawhatshesdoing I don't think you're an outlier.  I feel the same way about work and will continue to use my maiden name even after I get around to changing it.  My degrees, my certifications, and my patents are under my maiden name - professionally it just makes more sense to keep it, but agree medically/personally/kids-wise it's simpler to just have us all match.

SmashJam

@julianne0 I second the idea about the "Golden Hour"...maybe say its a new hospital policy if its hard for you to say YOU want them to leave for that time? Maybe you could get a nurse to come and gently remind after labor. 

I just had DH in there, and he went radio silent on everyone once I was in active labor. No one visited until the next day, and it was just MIL, FIL, and DH's grandma. The hard thing for me was keeping my dad and bro from visiting from out of town. Neither is particularly helpful, more like, hold the baby then pretend they aren't there and drink beer kind of people, so I knew I needed them to wait to show up. Last time my due date was June 15 and they wanted to come July 4 and I was like, no...which was good, because I didn't give birth til June 27. They came mid July, this time I am making them wait til late Aug early sept. 

millpe

So my sister just delivered last month and the sisters and my mom were all invited to the room while she was laboring (she sent out a text when she was going to the hospital). We all left (except her husband) when it was push time and waited in the waiting room. After she delivered they spent around an hour in the room alone. When she transferred rooms, we all (immediate family) stopped by to say hi and briefly meet the baby then went home. I imagine my day will be similar. I don't think i will mind have my sisters, SIL, mom, or MIL in during laboring, but just plan to have DH during delivery (or possibly one sister if DH isn't doing well). I don't mind if family is in the waiting room though. The hospital is good about not allowing extra visitors after delivery until we transfer rooms and they like to wait at least an hour. So we will get that alone time. My family isn't pushy though so if I change my mind or tell people to go home they would all respect that. Since I've never been there, I don't know how I will feel..

crabcake18

My mom and DH were in the room with me. I couldn’t sleep so they went in shifts to stay up with me which was great. This time I’m thinking I may just want DH but want my mom to be around still. I wanted mil to come say hi but once contractions started I couldn’t imagine entertaining anyone else! 

stillcozy

It will just be my husband. If all goes as planned my mom will be at home with dd and than my husband will go home and get them a few hours aftwr delivery once im settled in the room with the baby and make sure pain meds and latch are down 

morethanamama

@knottie89b0b5ebf70054c3 looks like you got lots of helpful response! Please feel free to introduce yourself and change your username so we can tag you easily. Lots of great discussion in this forum, it's worth contributing if you have the time!

I'll have my husband and my doula. Not even sure if my mom will be at the hospital, I don't want to have to worry about her being uncomfortable/hungry/thirsty. I also plan to labor at home and if I get far enough on my own then I'll bring my mom with as at that point it might not be a long wait until baby is here (fingers crossed!)

paytonpedro

Last time I had my husband, best friend and cousin in the room. It was nice to have someone other than my husband who could take pictures for us and who could hold my leg because the nurse I had sucked. This time around, we may get a photographer or I may ask someone again. Not 100% sure and thinking just me and my husband. 

Its all about who YOU'RE comfortable with. Having someone in the room who you’re not comfortable could hinder the labor process.

 FWIW, having my cousin stab over me and stare at me while I was screaming through contractions was the most awkward thing ever. 

Katm89

********* Lurker here******* Hoping to not be a lurker too much longer

I had my doula, husband and Mom there. My mom had a home birth with me and I respected her ability to go med-free so I wanted that support there to remind me of my strength, but I will say during labor I felt almost weaker because she was there. When she would touch me and encourage me I would forget that I am about to be a mom and all of a sudden felt like a little girl again. It was kind of trippy. I got to the hospital at midnight and delivered at 3am, so my mom gave us a quick hug after and left. She didn't try to hold the baby before she left. She was super respectful and took some photos. You never know how you are going to feel. I really wanted visitors after and people kept their distance because I told them to.

This time around my mom will watch our daughter and my doula, husband and birth photographer will be present for the birth. I did tell my mom to stay in our house the week after the baby is born to help us sleep and occupy our toddler.

runsomewhere

paytonpedro said:

 FWIW, having my cousin stab over me and stare at me while I was screaming through contractions was the most awkward thing ever. 

This is how I feel. Like, you never know how labor will go and I would be too embarrassed to let go and really work through contractions the way I needed to or push the baby out if I had friends or family in the room. Major props to women that can, it would just be too awkward for me.

angleyeskkhr

With my first I originally only wanted my husband. But when I started pushing I asked for my mom to come in (hey I couldn’t hold my other leg up, push AND breathe at the same time. Lol). This time it’ll probably be husband, daughter, and mom. 

And if it makes y’all feel better, I didn’t get my name changed on my social until about 1.5-2 years ago, after 8 years of marriage!

Savanna111911

Our families can be extremely pushy and are local enough whto is they can all get there. I set the expectations very early on that I only wanted DH there for he labor. I consented to allowing them to come in in the event that I had an epidural and was comfortable but said that otherwise I wanted to be just him and that I’d they did come in the time would be limited. My labor was mostly through the night, so while I did allow my mom and mother in law to come in for a few minutes after I got the epidural we didn’t allow them to stay long so we could try to get a little rest. 

I think too many people in the room would be a huge distraction for me and I wouldn’t have been comfortable. But others may find that that’s easier for them. I think you just have to talk to your husband and decide what you’re comfortable with. Then I would make the expectations clear as soon as possible. I think that making our voices heard on that made it a lot easier. In my perfect world we would hold off a little bit before having visitors as well but with my family that was easier said than done. I do know that this time around I want some time with my daughter in the room with just our daughter and the baby. She will most likely be staying at our house with her grandparents so we will either have my husband pick her up or we will have someone bring her to us but have him meet her in the waiting area. But either way the plan is still just DH and we want some quality time with our daughter and the baby before we see other visitors. I think I’m also going to try to keep friends away. We had a LOT of visitors last time and I was exhausted. 

wildtot

@Savanna111911 you make a good point. Decided with your husband or SO to make sure they are comfortable too!