Same. That’s risky business in this house, they’ll immediately be ripped off and probably wind up under the couch where they won’t be seen for 3 months.
@lindsayleigh1989 i dont put them on ds inside is rainbooys if we are going to the car because we take his boots off once he gets there and I don't want him to take his socks off and throw them in the car! Once summer comes ill likely not even put shoes or socks on him on the way to the car foe the same reason
@SmashJam 90% of the time I let DS put his slippers on and wear them to the car for that same reason. He either rips them off or pitches a fit because he can’t get them off. I can’t wait for sandal/croc season. I guess that’s my UO?
@runsomewhere obviously I'm biased because I'm Italian but for me it is the best food ever. Lots of people think it's just pizza bread and pasta but we have a very rich culinary tradition with so many different dishes that vary by region. But I respect that it's not for everyone!
@acunamatada lololol my boss's Facebook profile picture was taken at a Crocs outlet store...it's just of the Croc display, does not include her. She is a Croc lover. I have never tried the Crocs but...I feel like they'd be good house shoes/garden shoes.
ETA: grammar police!! Improper use of the possessive...omg I'm having a tough morning.
@kissableviv I thought of you after posting that thinking uh oh I hope she doesn't hate me for that one. I think I'm just more in to Asian and Latin flavors. While I don''t dislike any type of food, the European stuff is my least favorite as a whole.
@kissableviv I thought of you after posting that thinking uh oh I hope she doesn't hate me for that one. I think I'm just more in to Asian and Latin flavors. While I don''t dislike any type of food, the European stuff is my least favorite as a whole.
Haha no hate! Mexican and Asian food are definitely my top favorites, but if I had to choose an "everyday" cuisine it would have to be what I grew up with just because I think it's healthy and simple. If it was at all possible I'd be on a 3 day italian food, 2 Mexican, 2Asian - I'd have the week covered!
It is risky saying you don’t like Italian food with an Italian among us lol @runsomewhere
luckily @kissableviv is prettt easy to get along with!
@canucklehead123 I wear my H’s crocks outside all the time (if he’s not wearing them first) he likes them because they’re ultra comfy after wearing boots allll day long. And they’re easy to slip on if you’re running outside quick for something (mailbox, to the grill, something like that)
@canucklehead123 lol I don’t own any for myself but DS literally lived in these adorable lizard crocs last summer and he’ll definitely be getting another pair when the weather warms up
@acunamatada I LOVE Crocs wedges! They are the most comfortable wedges I have every worn! I have no shame in my game. Also, my sil gave me a pair of baby yellow crocs and I cannot wait to put them on the lo when she is old enough. They are soooo cute!
I guess mine for this week is about overly involved/invested people and boundaries with pregnancy that's come up on a few threads this week. Sorry, but when my MIL starts using "we" about my pregnancy I think it's weird and inappropriate. I also don't think "coming from a caring place" is a valid excuse for some of the rude comments and invasive questions people feel the right to around pregnant women - like weight comments or the unsolicited parenting advice that is condescending or meant to scare. I also don't think a woman should just get-over-it or accept that she can't have an identity outside of "mom" from now on. I look at my MIL who did that and she's been completely lost since the kids moved out because there is no part of HER left, she is super invasive in her kids lives and frequently upsets both of them because of her lack of boundaries into the business of her grown children. Yes, life does change after kids, but it changes again after they leave the nest and you need to still know who you are.
@gingerbride26 Yes. All of that. It bugs the ever living crap out of me when my MIL refers to my niece and nephew as "her babies". Like no. They are your grandbabies. Your babies are grown adults. I feel as though she is also missing something since her kids moved out. She is also super invasive.. although I do feel like she has a decent grasp on boundaries with me bc she knows I will have none of it. But for her biological children she feels like she has a right to know EVERYTHING in their lives. It just bugs me. I'm a private person and come from a pretty private family so I'm not used to it.
ETA I know things will change once I have one of "her babies" and she's going to want to be super invasive but she's gonna learn real quick that doesn't fly with me. And it's not just my MIL. Same goes for my mom.
@gingerbride26 I agree with you, it is weird to refer to someone else's pregnancy as "we", that is strange to me. And I have no patience for unsolicited advice in general, and just because someone else has given birth before doesn't mean I want to hear her story. If I want to know, I'll ask. DH and I literally had the same conversation regarding identity this morning. He's all for me not getting lost in what we call the "mom trap". While I'm looking forward to raising this little person, I don't want 30 years to go by and suddenly have no identity of my own. My mom allowed that to happen and while I love her she's got nothing of her own besides us kids and it makes me sad and also frustrated because she has no boundaries.
@noideawhatshesdoing and @moguippy so much same here, also coming from a very reserved family into a very in-your-business one and my own mother never went back to work and now just sits on the couch yelling at my dad all day. DH had to learn to not tell her DD was sick or if something was up with me while pregnant because we'd immediately get daily calls from her asking for updates, and since she tells everyone in the family everything, we'd get concerned calls from everyone else and it would just make these already stressful times WAY worse. It's hard keeping an identity outside of "mom" when you're neck deep in poopy diapers and puke, but I'm trying like hell to maintain some semblance of ME, even if it's just a sporadic girls' night and a work persona outside the house.
@moguippy glad it's not just me :-) i think she's still buttsore we didn't tell her I was pregnant until like 14-15 weeks in this time...but last time she told everyone herself before we could despite asking her specifically not to tell anyone. I could have killed DH last night for telling her we found out this week boy/girl but wouldn't tell her (all him I was just quietly eating my clam strips)...she called him after we'd gotten home and pestered him some more.
That all sounds annoying. I can't really relate because my in laws are simply amazing and have a lot of common sense. There's minorly annoying things about them but for the most part they are not invasive at all and don't impose anything on us, they are helpful if we ask them stuff and won't just preach on how to raise kids. My parents are very similar.
I am partly worried about losing my identity and we have done lots of talking with DH about it. I'm sure things will change once I hold this baby in my arms but at the moment I feel like I can tackle motherhood and being my own person still. I'm an only child so I'm very independent, I wonder if it's going to be easier for me to cut out little moments to myself no matter how difficult. Time will tell! Kids are not kids forever and it's important to maintain your own interests and identity otherwise at some point you'll become one of those helicopter MILs
@kissableviv I'm an only child too and feel the same way, it was a tough transition for me to loose all that me-time but you figure it out. We had a good routine going for a bit where I'd get 1 night to myself, DH's work schedule has made that tough to keep up, but there's always ways. I also want to instill that independence in my kids. It's gotten easier now that she's a toddler - she likes independent playing so I can sneak some time with my kindle while she plays with the cars and princesses and listens to Finding Dory for the 1000th time.
@kissableviv You are so lucky you got good inlaws and good parents. My FIL is a saint so I got lucky with that. My mom is also a Monster in law (I'm sure my SIL feels this way). My mom is one of the "incessantly gives you parenting/pregnancy advice that was relevant 30 years ago" people. I don't mind bc I've spent my whole teenage/adult life ignoring a lot of what she says so I'm used to it . My dad is the "will give your kid a cookie before dinner" types but other than that he's awesome, well, FIL does that too.
bahahaha @moguippy omg i think you're my spirit animal. Although mine wasn't really a monster-in-law but is DEFINITELY a grand-monster and the queen of "just-saying". My FIL is amazing and I adore him, though since MIL gets him worked up but then doesn't speak to him again he's part of the daily call pestering ring- BUT he's the only one in that family that ever asks how *i'm* doing, how's work, etc. My mother is very similar to MIL except doesn't try to play the "caring card" for sympathy, I honestly believe she has a mild form of Asperger's and pulls no punches in her delivery, plays no games, but will tell you your hair looks like crap to your face as a hello. My dad is just kind of beaten down by my mother after 40 years together, he's gotten pretty preachy about advice but he adores his grandkid and it's cute.
@kissableviv I definitely struggled with not losing myself during my first pregnancy but now with 2 toddlers and pregnant again I somehow still find time to do the stuff I enjoy and I feel relatively not exhausted throughout the day! My biggest obstacle to get over was allowing myself to relax with the kids but also telling myself that it is also ok to let them play independently so I can fold laundry or do the dishes and actually have free time when they are in bed. My favorite past time is reading and I actually have read more books now than ever in my life because I did it while my babies slept, breast fed or while pumping at work.
Since DH and I have figured out what each parent is (i.e. unsolicited advice, no boundaries, the spoilers), it has gotten a little better. We joke "how long till mom gives us unsolicited advice?, think your mom will invite herself?", etc. Kind of like a game and it makes it a lot more bearable. Then when it does happen we give each other a little side grin. It has definitely helped deal with it. And to be honest, we are really lucky all of our parents care so much and that's why they do what they do. I know it could definitely be so much worse.
I was pretty good at carving out time for myself with the hobby farm when DS was younger and napped a lot but as he got older and DS had less sleeping time during the day, it got harder because DH had to step in and he was making poor choices on the weekend that made that difficult, or had his own stuff, so finding balance was hard. When I had to sell the animals I didn't have much else but momming as an identity, and I'm working on that-although my one definite day out a month alone is to a La Leche league meeting. I'm getting my chickens back, have a great garden going, working on some great composting techniques, so I am starting to get my identity back as the DIY-er that I had before children, but the process of getting "me" back has taken a few twists and turns and looks slightly different than it did before.
No socks are worn in my house unless we just got home. DS hates them while at home and will actually come take mine off lol
Mexican food all the way here but i like others. I just can’t stand sushi.
I continue to struggle with my identity. I look at pictures and realize i am not the same person while i feel DH is the same. I don’t allow myself time either because there is always something for me to do- or it feels like it. I rarely go out on my own these days either. It’s saddening because i know all this and i tell it DH. He says i can go out and do stuff but the time i have planned i have to change them because he forgot or something came up. So i gave up i guess. During my leave i wanted to go back to work because it was part of my identity and my time. Didn’t help that i came back at a time they let go a bunch of people (not me). So next week is my bday and i have finally found a sitter to watch DS so i can actually have an adult dinner. I’m excited for that. And i really hope my leave and return to work goes as planned. I feel like this pregnancy has helped me accept things more and i am look forward in a positive way. One day at a time right. Sorry didn’t mean to bring this post down.
@SmashJam I'm so happy you are getting your chickens back. I was sad when I read your post about giving up the hobby farm. @wildtot that sounds like an awesome birthday outing!! I have the same struggles with DH - every time I take a step forward on trying to remember I matter too it seems something comes up at his work. It's def not an easy balancing act, I still suck at it but I'm trying to work on it. I don't love my job, but I love having those 3 days in the office where i'm just me and not just "Ashlynn's mom".
@kissableviv My view on losing yourself once you become a mom:
I don't think it's bound to happen and I don't see it happening to you based on what I see here. You have a career, your hobbies (like fitness), supportive family and a supportive DH. That doesn't somehow disappear when you become a mom although some portions of who you are may sometimes take the back seat temporarily.
The women I see really losing themselves are often the types that don't have a solid identity and are 100% about what's going on in their lives at the moment. These are the types that get in to a new relationship and NEVER see friends and completely ditch any previous hobbies. The types that get engaged and their entire life revolves around the wedding and all they care about is the wedding. I see these women becoming so wrapped up in their new roles that they just become mom.
The other group I see this happening to is unfortunately the ones with an unsupported husband. The women that are SAHMs who get an attitude like they do nothing all day or don't contribute as much as their husbands, or the women that work and do 99% of the childcare leaving zero energy and time for anything else.
I realize I'm generalizing but this is a pattern I see.
@wildtot I'm sorry to hear that, but why? I definitely don't intend to hurt anyone by sharing my experience. The above is a general description of what I have personally observed.
@runsomewhere I don't know, I think it's very easy to lose yourself when you become a mom no matter what your situation is. I have a career, hobbies that I financially can't afford to do anymore (and don't have time for ), an incredibly supportive husband and family, and I feel like I have lost my identity a bit or at least don't have much that's just for me. I think a part of the equation you're missing is privilege. Don't get me wrong, I'm privileged in many many many ways, but we are very middle class and very much struggle to keep up with our bills and maintain our household. So we don't have the privilege to pursue our own things. My husband is a tennis fanatic and he doesn't get to play much because he has to work and we can't afford to hire someone to watch our son while he goes to hit. I used to really enjoy going to yoga classes but now I can't afford the monthly fee and also wouldn't be able to pay someone to watch my son while I went. Also I just don't think anyone can predict how they'll react to becoming a parent regardless of circumstances.
@runsomewhere it just made it sound like those who lose themselves are weak. Before and during my marriage i was strong and independent. I had my life outside of home and work and marriage, as my husband did too. But after birth i had to sacrifice a lot of that because my husband had to work longer hours, i got ppd, i was so independent that i couldn’t talk to my family about it or had no one to relate with. I tried to keep working out and have mom dates but i haven’t been the same since. I don’t think of myself having a weak identity or focusing too much one one thing in the now. My husband has a hard time learning to cope and understand my new needs since i didn’t need him that way before so it’s not entirely his fault as “unsupportive”. I think there are different variations of why one may lose their identity. Edited words
@zande2016 I don't think I'm missing the privilege piece of the equation at all, to me the fact that we are speaking from a privileged place on this forum is a given. This conversation is taking place between women with certain privileges. We are mostly married, middle class women with constant access to this forum where we discuss our thoughts on strollers, SUVs and baby gear. The very idea of a self identity and maintaining hobbies such as tennis and yoga as a mother is one we are privileged to be having.
@wildtot I apologize if that's how my post reads. Maybe I said too much when what I intended to say is that women are more likely to lose themselves when they lack a supportive partner or if they tend to get caught up with whatever is going on with them.
To me it is almost obvious that it's hard to maintain your identity and do things for yourself when your partner isn't contributing and you never get a break. I wasn't calling a woman who is strapped with doing most of the child care weak but pointing out that this is a setup that makes it much more difficult to maintain your sense of self. Our circumstances do have an impact on postpartum happiness.
Yeah, I decided to give up a pretty decent salary when I had my first kid. When that vanished, so did our nice vacations, my sports car, nights out, and a lot of the other frivolous things that made me happy.
I started feeling depressed about it about 8 months ago or so and decided to start working again part time. Even though the job is from home, it has really helped me to feel like a living, thinking person again. Of course now I am stressed to the max over time crunches and squeezing work into what little child free time I have in my life (I am part of the husband doesn't watch my kid camp), but overall I am happier now than I was before taking on that job... and the extra money is great too
Overall I agree that there are some pre-existing factors that might make the whole transition more difficult but I think it's pretty impossible to predict how things will go until the baby is here. I do believe that you will not be your previous self again and I'm ok with that. I have hobbies and a career and lots of friends -also some new mom friends I made at yoga - plus a supportive family but I still may feel lost and it will still be hard to keep up some of the things I do - not to mention financially we'll have to be a bit more conservative which I'm sure will be a slight challenge in itself.
@zande2016 no hard feelings, probably hormones contributing
I think you meant to tag @Runsomewhere? Or else if I offended you in some way I'm sorry! I agree with your post, sometimes life circumstances or just things within ourselves make the transition to parenthood so much harder and can lead to losing yourself. It doesn't mean you're weak, I think it's probably a lot More common than people talk about.
@runsomewhere maybe a better word than privilege to describe what I'm trying to say would be resources. I'm just saying, no matter how supportive your partner is or how many hobbies you had pre baby, none of that means much if you don't have the resources to do things for yourself or take time for yourself. I don't know, I'm extremely over tired and not sure if I'm explaining anything lol.
but as someone (else) who feels like they’ve lost their identity a little bit, it just comes off kinda rude to put it into a box like that. I don’t think you can predict how you’ll handle being parent before you’re actually a parent. Perhaps I was a little disillusioned with my perception of how parenting would go. Regardless, life throws you curve balls and sometimes dealing with those makes you lose a little bit of your self. Not that it always has to be like that or anything but it happens.
@hillbillywife i agree i had envisioned something way different and it hit me hard when i got the unexpected and planned. It’s really hard to say what things will be like after.
Re: UO Thursday 3/15
My UO: I don't really like Italian food. I mean it's fine but eeh. I've eaten it in Italy and in the US and it's just one of my least favorites.
(this was the least controversial UO I had today)
I LOVE CROCS.
ETA: grammar police!! Improper use of the possessive...omg I'm having a tough morning.
luckily @kissableviv is prettt easy to get along with!
@canucklehead123 I wear my H’s crocks outside all the time (if he’s not wearing them first) he likes them because they’re ultra comfy after wearing boots allll day long. And they’re easy to slip on if you’re running outside quick for something (mailbox, to the grill, something like that)
ETA I know things will change once I have one of "her babies" and she's going to want to be super invasive but she's gonna learn real quick that doesn't fly with me. And it's not just my MIL. Same goes for my mom.
I am partly worried about losing my identity and we have done lots of talking with DH about it. I'm sure things will change once I hold this baby in my arms but at the moment I feel like I can tackle motherhood and being my own person still. I'm an only child so I'm very independent, I wonder if it's going to be easier for me to cut out little moments to myself no matter how difficult. Time will tell! Kids are not kids forever and it's important to maintain your own interests and identity otherwise at some point you'll become one of those helicopter MILs
And to be honest, we are really lucky all of our parents care so much and that's why they do what they do. I know it could definitely be so much worse.
Mexican food all the way here but i like others. I just can’t stand sushi.
I continue to struggle with my identity. I look at pictures and realize i am not the same person while i feel DH is the same. I don’t allow myself time either because there is always something for me to do- or it feels like it. I rarely go out on my own these days either. It’s saddening because i know all this and i tell it DH. He says i can go out and do stuff but the time i have planned i have to change them because he forgot or something came up. So i gave up i guess. During my leave i wanted to go back to work because it was part of my identity and my time. Didn’t help that i came back at a time they let go a bunch of people (not me). So next week is my bday and i have finally found a sitter to watch DS so i can actually have an adult dinner. I’m excited for that. And i really hope my leave and return to work goes as planned. I feel like this pregnancy has helped me accept things more and i am look forward in a positive way. One day at a time right.
Sorry didn’t mean to bring this post down.
I don't think it's bound to happen and I don't see it happening to you based on what I see here. You have a career, your hobbies (like fitness), supportive family and a supportive DH. That doesn't somehow disappear when you become a mom although some portions of who you are may sometimes take the back seat temporarily.
The women I see really losing themselves are often the types that don't have a solid identity and are 100% about what's going on in their lives at the moment. These are the types that get in to a new relationship and NEVER see friends and completely ditch any previous hobbies. The types that get engaged and their entire life revolves around the wedding and all they care about is the wedding. I see these women becoming so wrapped up in their new roles that they just become mom.
The other group I see this happening to is unfortunately the ones with an unsupported husband. The women that are SAHMs who get an attitude like they do nothing all day or don't contribute as much as their husbands, or the women that work and do 99% of the childcare leaving zero energy and time for anything else.
I realize I'm generalizing but this is a pattern I see.
I think there are different variations of why one may lose their identity.
Edited words
@wildtot I apologize if that's how my post reads. Maybe I said too much when what I intended to say is that women are more likely to lose themselves when they lack a supportive partner or if they tend to get caught up with whatever is going on with them.
To me it is almost obvious that it's hard to maintain your identity and do things for yourself when your partner isn't contributing and you never get a break. I wasn't calling a woman who is strapped with doing most of the child care weak but pointing out that this is a setup that makes it much more difficult to maintain your sense of self. Our circumstances do have an impact on postpartum happiness.
I started feeling depressed about it about 8 months ago or so and decided to start working again part time. Even though the job is from home, it has really helped me to feel like a living, thinking person again. Of course now I am stressed to the max over time crunches and squeezing work into what little child free time I have in my life (I am part of the husband doesn't watch my kid camp), but overall I am happier now than I was before taking on that job... and the extra money is great too
@runsomewhere maybe a better word than privilege to describe what I'm trying to say would be resources. I'm just saying, no matter how supportive your partner is or how many hobbies you had pre baby, none of that means much if you don't have the resources to do things for yourself or take time for yourself. I don't know, I'm extremely over tired and not sure if I'm explaining anything lol.
I also thing hormones play a role
but as someone (else) who feels like they’ve lost their identity a little bit, it just comes off kinda rude to put it into a box like that. I don’t think you can predict how you’ll handle being parent before you’re actually a parent. Perhaps I was a little disillusioned with my perception of how parenting would go. Regardless, life throws you curve balls and sometimes dealing with those makes you lose a little bit of your self. Not that it always has to be like that or anything but it happens.